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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My daughter's just had sex :(

198 replies

sapphire · 28/03/2008 12:56

My DD and her b/f have just had sex ... she's not quite 14, he was 14 earlier this year..

They've been "going out" for about 6months now and his mum and I have been keeping a close eye on them as there have been various things said that made us worry that the relationship was more serious than we wished for. She spends a lot of time round at his house (as we have all sorts of other problems going on here and it's not a happy place) and his mum has been really careful - she allows them to go in his room to listen to music etc but the door has to stay open and she checks on them every 15 mins - and I do the same here.

yesterday she invited me and my DS over for dinner - after dinner he and her younger son went upstairs to play on the PS in his room and DD and b/f went up to HIS room ... we had coffee and a chat and then one of the younger boys came down to say that DD and b/f were kissing under the duvet - his mum went up to ask them to come down and be sociable and b/f did, DD didn't so I went up ..... and noticed an open condom packet on the floor. We talked to them as yes, they have actually done it.

Feel so disappointed in DD - we've talked lots lately and she kept reassuring me that they would be sensible - and ashamed and hurt and upset and confused. She's very mature for her age but still, she's only 13. And at least they took precautions but they are jsut kids.

Don't really know what to do. his mum and I spoke to both of them and said how disappointed we were and that though we won't stop them seeing each other from now on they stay with other people all the time. I'm sure that won't stop them if they really want to carry on but not sure what else to do.

Help!

OP posts:
McDreamy · 28/03/2008 13:03

Oh sapphire I have no advice but feel very for you. At least you are a mum that she can talk to, sex was a taboo subject when I was growing up. I swear my mum thought I was a virgin the day I got married (I was 31!!).

I would have loved to have had a relationship with my mum like you have with your daughter. I know that probably doesn't help right now, but you sound like a great mum. Keep talking

WanderingTrolley · 28/03/2008 13:06

They had sex whilst their parents were downstairs?

zippitippitoes · 28/03/2008 13:06

well they were sensible

it is young

but they have been seeing each other for a while

i wouldn'tput too much pressure on them that will only drive them together

if you are tough on them then doesnt that run the risk of making something nice a bit tacky and disappointing

suzywong · 28/03/2008 13:09

wow, that's right under your nose and no mistake

however, they used protection, and they are in an established relationship ... can any of us really ask for more than that from our kids? I know I was fumbling around at every opportunity from 15 onwards (with same boy) and no power on earth would have got me to keep my knees together.

I think you have done a great job so far, don't beat yourself up anymore.

purpleduck · 28/03/2008 13:10

I don't know what to say...
Well done for talking to her

Gosh, thats so young.

I was 14 too, and I was with my ex b/f til I was 23, but wish I would have waited.

Keep talking.

FioFio · 28/03/2008 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DforDiva · 28/03/2008 13:18

I understand how you and other mum upset about they had it whilst you were there and trusted them. At least they had protection, Im no help, but what you are doing is sound really good. Hope they understand it

TigerBollyKnickers · 28/03/2008 13:19

I suppose if they were three or four years older then it wouldn't be so bad but they are so young aren't they . It sounds like your dd's idea of sensible was using a condom (which is good of course) whereas your idea of sensible was not to do it at all. Perhaps you could be clearer on exactly what the boundaries are? (Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick)

Sounds like you have done everything right so far. I don't think you can do much more tbh.

I feel for you, I'm dreading dd getting to this age.

Original poster
sapphire · 28/03/2008 13:23

I thought we were on the same wavelength, me and DD - a girl in her class allegedly had her SECOND abortion last year and DD was quite shocked about it, so we'd talked about how sensible it is not to have sex when you're young and she'd agreed - and I'd explained not just about pregnancy and diseases but about h0ow it affects you emotionally and she'd said it's okay mum, we're not going to do anything, don't worry ...... which is why I feel so let down now.

I feel like I want to rant and rage and scream at her but know that wouldn't achieve anything ..... I'd rather keep the communication going I guess.

I just feel so sad - and also a bit worried that (a) they won't have used the condom properly and (b) that she'll talk to friends and word will get round school ...

OP posts:
Miggsie · 28/03/2008 13:26

...the main worry I would have (now the deed is done) is that she said one thing to you then did it anyway...was she just saying what you wanted to hear or did her boyfriend pressure her?
Also, she may be confused right now so you talking to her and not being judgy is really really good.

I think in this situation I would hide in a cupboard so you are handling it much better than I ever could.

zippitippitoes · 28/03/2008 13:27

well she could take the morning after pill if she wasnt sure not that i know anything about that i dont think it is particularly pleasant

you have a close relationship

keep that going

dont worry about what other people think you will drive yourself mad

she is mature, she is in a relationship there isnt a great deal you can do about it except chat with her if she will but having done it once it isnt likely they will go back is it?

ROSEgarden · 28/03/2008 13:32

Maybe when her friend had the abortion she DIDNT intend to have sex as , as you say that was a year ago, but she wont come up to you and say oh mum BTW ive changed my mind..she is very young, but you are obv a fab mum that she can tell you this, so keep the lines of communication open, tell her you need to now dicsuss the pill to ensure no unwanted pregnancy and condoms to prevent disease, tell her you do NOT condone this but you know by shouting she may well go against your wishes anyway..youve done a grand job already

paros · 28/03/2008 13:58

You are a fantastic mum and so is DDs BF mum . Wow you two are so amazing to have such a close relationship with theses two kids because lets be honest they are still kids .All I can add is keep the communication going . And maybe nip down to family planning (if its still called that and get them loads of condoms because I bet they will still do it and a leaflet on how to put the things on or you could consider asking her to go on the pill as well .

MeMySonAndI · 28/03/2008 14:09

They were in a estable relationship and have used protection. Please be kind to her, I understand you are disapointed but at the end of the day, kids seem to be more open to these things nowadays than we were at the same age.

Obviously, you are disapointed, they seem to be growing up faster than they should, but it is important for them to keep a healthy attitude towards sex. And for the communication channels to remain open. If you show your disapointment too focibly, she may be inclined to stop talking and to do these things hiding them from you, which I think would be far worse.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 28/03/2008 14:12

I did it with a bf whilst parents were downstairs.. there are not many choices when you are young are there!

But I was not 13.

At least they were careful Sapphire. Sorry for lack of constructive advice.

Original poster
sapphire · 28/03/2008 19:53

Thanks for all the support. I was feeling pretty devastated this morning, like I must be the worst mum on earth for letting this happen, but I feel a bit better about it all now. As I said they are both mature for their age and it does seem like this was a mutual, planned decision, not a "hormones getting the better of them" fumble that went too far.

I've had a chat with her today and don't know where things will go with them from here but at least she knows I still love her and am here for her whatever.

Thanks

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 28/03/2008 19:58

Oh Sapphire I don't know what to say. You know your dd is a kid yet she feels like an adult. 13 is so young, plus it is ilegal.

Sounds like you have a fabbo relationship with her though, but I feel a bit of condemation is needed here for fear of agreeing with it IYKWIM?

Sorry, don't mean to offend you but 13 is too young.

KristinaM · 28/03/2008 20:01

It sounds like you and the other mum have done everything you could

Quattrocento · 28/03/2008 20:07

Well what's done can't be undone - they are a bit young but at least they were sensible - they are realistically going to be doing it again - best think about how to handle that?

I don't know what to suggest about the getting around school thing - am sure you're right - but it can't be uncommon and will soon be forgotten.

SilentTerror · 28/03/2008 20:10

My daughter was 15 and we were devastated. She had little understanding of the whole concept of pregnancy etcdespite being an intelligent girl. They supposedly had used a condom but we got her the morning after pill also. I think the key is to maintain conversation but not givr the impression that it is ok to have sex at 13.It isn't.
Could you and the boyfriend's parents have a talk to them together? They will be embarrassed no doubt(ours were!) but no bad thing imo.I don't think you can give them the green light to repeat the experience,but obviously let her know how much you care about her and that is why you would prefer them to wait.

Rosbo · 28/03/2008 22:09

Yes 13 is very young to be having sex, but tbh, whats done is done, can't change it now really can you? And ime, they'll probably carry on having sex now that they've already done it. They think they know what their doing now, if you know what I mean. Best thing to do is make sure they know how to use their protection, and keep talking to your daughter.

AMAZINWOMAN · 28/03/2008 22:20

im sure your dd b/f's mum must be devastated too. What does she think?

MotherOfGirls · 29/03/2008 08:24

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job, Saphire.

I tried to talk to my mum about contraception when I was 16 and planning to sleep with my boyfriend and she couldn't cope with the concept at all. Consequently I went though a terrifying pregnancy scare (she doesn't know this - we stopped talking about anything important). Her disgust with the idea of me having sex certainly didn't stop me and I have never forgiven her for not being there for me - 26 years ago!

My DD1 is almost 13 and so I can understand your feelings. I think children are growing up faster these days and so perhaps today's 13 equates to 16 all those years ago. I only hope I will be able to handle things as well as you are doing. We can't control the actions of our teenagers so keeping the lines of communication open is the best we can do, in my opinion.

Please don't beat yourself up. Your DD is lucky to have a mum like you.

Disenchanted · 29/03/2008 08:28

When you are young you don't mind people are downstairs.

I lost my virginity (though I was 16 and DH was 15 at the time) upstairs at my MILs house, it was her birthday and half the family were sat downstairs, we didn't even have a lock on the door!

My gut feeling is that you need to be open. Now they have had sex they will have it again.

I suggest you put your daughter on the pill and have a few more frank discussions about safe sex.

I would be too that she is so young but it sounds like they are trying to be senisble and its good she can talk to you!

Leenie · 14/04/2008 13:04

Saphire, i really feel for you, i am going through this with my 14 yr old (just turned 14), it is actually in a weird way a comfort to know that i am not the only mum, i spent ages feeling like i had failed in some way, even though i know i have brought both my daughters up the same, ( i also have a 16/17 yr old), she diddnt show the slightest interest in boys at 13/14, i have sat and spoke to my girl, although in reality i wanted to scream and shout at her, i couldn't though cos i know that it would have made her be even more secretive and distant from me, I have however explained to her that although i am not going to ban her from seeing her b/f, as they have betrayed my trust, they are no longer allowed to be upstairs alone, good luck, i hope things all work out good,