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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My daughter's just had sex :(

198 replies

sapphire · 28/03/2008 12:56

My DD and her b/f have just had sex ... she's not quite 14, he was 14 earlier this year..

They've been "going out" for about 6months now and his mum and I have been keeping a close eye on them as there have been various things said that made us worry that the relationship was more serious than we wished for. She spends a lot of time round at his house (as we have all sorts of other problems going on here and it's not a happy place) and his mum has been really careful - she allows them to go in his room to listen to music etc but the door has to stay open and she checks on them every 15 mins - and I do the same here.

yesterday she invited me and my DS over for dinner - after dinner he and her younger son went upstairs to play on the PS in his room and DD and b/f went up to HIS room ... we had coffee and a chat and then one of the younger boys came down to say that DD and b/f were kissing under the duvet - his mum went up to ask them to come down and be sociable and b/f did, DD didn't so I went up ..... and noticed an open condom packet on the floor. We talked to them as yes, they have actually done it.

Feel so disappointed in DD - we've talked lots lately and she kept reassuring me that they would be sensible - and ashamed and hurt and upset and confused. She's very mature for her age but still, she's only 13. And at least they took precautions but they are jsut kids.

Don't really know what to do. his mum and I spoke to both of them and said how disappointed we were and that though we won't stop them seeing each other from now on they stay with other people all the time. I'm sure that won't stop them if they really want to carry on but not sure what else to do.

Help!

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 15:58

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 16:00

yes that's where you have been doing it wrong sophable

I don't think my physio would approve TBH

Remotew · 05/05/2008 16:08

The wheelbarrow sounds just up most mens street.

I am also very open talking about sex to my DD. She asked me what an orgasm was and I explained that it was something that was supposed to happen to a woman during sex but it reality it rarely did. Usually always to a man though. . She is not at that stage yet thank god.

I had a serious bf and by 14 we were experimenting leading to full blown sex. By 16 I was heartbroken. I wish I hadnt started so young and met the same boy a couple of years later.

My DD and her friend were talking with much frankness recently about the rumours re some girls at school. I was pleased that they cold speak so openly to me. I guess its like the song. Some girls will, some girls wont.

dittany · 05/05/2008 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 16:16

agree dittany. i think that can only change when girls start thinking about their sexuality in terms of themselves and their own pleasure rather than in terms of how they get to have a boyfriend and keep him.

Remotew · 05/05/2008 16:18

Yes double standards still exist!

I wish I'd spent more time worrying about my maths homework. We just to do homework in between shags .

I would be very unhappy if my DD started having sex now even if it was with a steady. The boys will move on to someone else once they meet other girls who will be interested. (Checking DD on her Maths revision).

aGalChangedHerName · 05/05/2008 16:20

I have been talking to my dc forever about sex,love and everything that goes with it.
Sophable i know the implant and injection carries risks but it was my ds1's gf who went to the family planning clinic with my ds1 to get advice about safe sex and contraception.

I think that the fact they were grown up enough to seek help shows that they were grown up enough to be having sex.

I still wish they were not having sex because i believe most teens are not mature enough to be in an intimate relationship at that age. My ds1 and his gf are strangely mature and committed for their age and they can openly talk to us and her parents.

I don't think however all teenagers want their parents to talk about the nitty gritty. FWIW i did impress upon my son that sex was not just about his pleasure but also about his gf's and he did say they could talk to each other about what was good and what wasn't.

As a mum who has experienced this i can tell you no matter how cool or open you think you are going to be it is very hard,and easy to think you know how things are going to be.Your dc may not want to ever speak to you about sex or he may be totally fine with it. I speak to my son and other dc about stuff and allow them to do stuff that i never thought i would. Until you are in the situation i don't think you have a clue tbh.

I didn't!!

Remotew · 05/05/2008 16:21

Totally agree Sophable. Hopefully I've brought mine up to respect herself and her own feelings. No being smug either I just want her to have higher self esteem than I did at her age.

Sorry about my grammar this afternoon. It must be the affects of the 5 mile walk we've just done (that's a lot for us).

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 16:22

i don't think i'm cool! ask anyone that knows me!

aGalChangedHerName · 05/05/2008 16:32

Sorry i didn't mean "cool" as such. I meant cool as in being ok with decisions you teen will make. I thought i would help him through decisions but he made this one with his gf.

I really hate the constant comments about boys just out for a shag btw. My ds1 is not like that at all and 3 of his mates have had the same gf's for months/years.

I realise some are but equally i know some of my ds's female friends are just out for a shag. They say as much which i find very sad. I can only hope my own dd's love and respect themselves enough not to want to bed anything that moves.

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 16:35

i think its nice when teens have the same steady gf for ages and ages, but i also think its shame and they are missing out

(trodding on own toes here!)

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 16:35

that goes for gf and bf

Remotew · 05/05/2008 16:37

I realise that not all boys are just out for a shag. I was with my bf from aged 13 to 16, when naturally he did want to move on. Its was the most painful experience I've ever suffered and I realise now that had I been older I would have been better equipped to deal with it.

I think most young teens are not ready for a close mature sexual relationship.

aGalChangedHerName · 05/05/2008 16:37

I know what you mean Naily. I think with my ds and his gf it will be devastating for whichever one gets dumped (if) but i comfort myself that he/she is not having multiple sexual partners yet!! lol

littlewoman · 05/05/2008 16:39

My dd's have been through this. They are 19, 18 and 17. I also teach them to deconstruct the tabloids and magazines, nobody believes anything they read in my house without they question 'who wrote this? Why?' etc. but I really never considered talking to them 'officially' about sex, thinking that they learn it all from school /friends /net anyway. But actually I do feel it is important. It is. And I feel a bit ashamed that I haven't thought about it before.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 16:39

aGal don't you think that your ds is different because you've been open and communicative?

aGalChangedHerName · 05/05/2008 16:40

Abouteve i was more meaning people who believe boys indiscriminately sleep with loads of girls and care not a jot about any of them

Tomsmate · 05/05/2008 16:41

I'm on this thread and I have been there too.
My children are late teens and early twenties.
And have step children in their thirties.

Talking to them when the moment is right as custardo did on the stairs, is IMHO the way to go.
Make it matter of fact, with a few giggles thrown in, if that is right too.

Sex like all relationships should be about mutual respect and should be good fun and exciting and pleasurable for both.

Help your child love and respect themselves and show respect to others.

I'd still rather all early teens didn't have sex early. Of course I wish they were still busy having a child hood.

Fact is though, that some teens will be ready for sex earlier than others (I was!) and being able to talk openly and honestly and get accurate advice is so helpful.

That the OP is talking like this with her daughter, means she will be alright I am sure.

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 16:42

i think i will send my girsl to a convent

aGalChangedHerName · 05/05/2008 16:43

Sophable yes i do and i hope to be as open with ds2 (who is silly and giggly about sex) and the dd's.
I always told him that he should never feel like he had to keep secrets from me. And so he can trust me. When he and his gf told me they were having sex with a condom i wanted to be sick But i had to make the best od a shit situation and say the right things even tho i didn't really feel like it iyswim?

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 16:44

naily that is straight into the lion's den IME

aGalChangedHerName · 05/05/2008 16:44

Lol Naily you have years yet to talk to your girls. They will be fine!!

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 16:45

oh yes. catholicism. i should know.

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 16:46

god when i think what i did as a teen i kinda feel faint...

Remotew · 05/05/2008 16:47

I think its wrong of parents to bury their heads in the sand and should start to be open about sex from the age of 13. Agree it doesnt have to be serious discussions. If there is something on TV you can throw in a comment to let them know its OK to broach the subject.

The OP seems shocked at first but then handled it very well. I think its fair to assume that its a possibility from age 13 and its usually the most unlikely ones that start doing it early.