My daughter's just had sex :(

[sapphire]

My DD and her b/f have just had sex ... she's not quite 14, he was 14 earlier this year..

They've been "going out" for about 6months now and his mum and I have been keeping a close eye on them as there have been various things said that made us worry that the relationship was more serious than we wished for. She spends a lot of time round at his house (as we have all sorts of other problems going on here and it's not a happy place) and his mum has been really careful - she allows them to go in his room to listen to music etc but the door has to stay open and she checks on them every 15 mins - and I do the same here.

yesterday she invited me and my DS over for dinner - after dinner he and her younger son went upstairs to play on the PS in his room and DD and b/f went up to HIS room ... we had coffee and a chat and then one of the younger boys came down to say that DD and b/f were kissing under the duvet - his mum went up to ask them to come down and be sociable and b/f did, DD didn't so I went up ..... and noticed an open condom packet on the floor. We talked to them as yes, they have actually done it.

Feel so disappointed in DD - we've talked lots lately and she kept reassuring me that they would be sensible - and ashamed and hurt and upset and confused. She's very mature for her age but still, she's only 13. And at least they took precautions but they are jsut kids.

Don't really know what to do. his mum and I spoke to both of them and said how disappointed we were and that though we won't stop them seeing each other from now on they stay with other people all the time. I'm sure that won't stop them if they really want to carry on but not sure what else to do.

Help!

God, I really don't know how I would react. Dh would need restraining.

I hope maybe to be like my SIL. SIL is very blunt and open - the whole family party to her views on this one! Said to 14 yr old dd she doesn't want her having sex under age, would be a disappointed but knows too that teenagers experiment. Doesn't want her dd to sneak around or lie, but to be honest. DD to decide for herself, to meet a boy who likes her for her company and not be pushed into it. Invites all bfs to the house, bfs are slightly intimidated but the current one has stuck around.

Ex-dh MEETS all the bf. A man of few words, big on brawn. Uses the word 'respect' a lot.

sophable- I had to laugh- you'll talk to your son abut women's orgasms? Oh PLEASE!! he will probably have found out all about it from the web before you get the chance! The poor boy- he will cringe with embarrassment.

Your ideals are all very well, but they aren't founded in reality- or experience- yet!

Don't know if any of you read Cosmo - my daughter does, and has since she was about 14- well, they are pretty frank about all things to do with sex- I read it so I know what she is reading, and if I need to step in and fill in any blanks.

I think the difference here, if I can say so, is that I appear to be the only poster on this thread who has actually been through this as a parent- my kids are now almost 22 and 20. it makes a difference if you have actually been there!

My own experiences were far from happy- my parents ere exceedingly protective- they would not let me babysit with my boyfriend, alone, even when I was 19!! as they were worried I'd have sex with him. I swore I'd never be like that with my kids- and I haven't been.

But I think there is a happy medium.

Quite honestly- and I am only half- joking here, I think most 13 yr olds should be worrying about their maths homework, not their next shag, lol!

he will probably have found out all about it from the web before you get the chance!

That's exactly WHY parents need to talk to their children and give them access to PROPER information, unless they want to raise a generation of men obsessed by phallo-orgasmic-centred sex lives who think a first date is crap unless you ejaculate in some girl's face.

And COSMO as an acceptable first place for sex advice?????

Here's this month's issue:

• Sex position of the month: Wanton Wheelbarrow: Bend over a chair until your arms are on the surface. Have your man grab your ankles and enter you from behind. He's in a perfect position to hit your G-spot.

FANTASTIC sex advice

G-spot FFS

oh i don't know hls. we have baths with ds most nights, naked cuddles, answer his questions honestly but with as little (or as much) detail as he asks for not more, he's seen me change a tampon and knows what periods are.

i don't think i'm doing badly so far. and i'm pretty certain i'm not hippocrite enough to renege on this when the going gets tougher.

it's an ongoing thing, not something that hits suddenly at puberty.

i think cosmo is an appalling model for young women. orgasms as goals. sex tips for how to get him, please him and keep him. trivialises and at the same time objectifies sex rather than making it a messy, fun, complicated part of being human.

i see you got there first mp.

Oooh and

SEX TIPS: Number 1: Lap Dance Fun! "Why not treat your man to the ultimate tease!"

Sorry but if my daughter can't give an insightful feminist deconstruction of this rag by the time she's 14 I will have failed

pmsl at wanton wheelbarrow....sounds like some kind of 14 year old boys' idea of 'experimenting' to me, not a position that a girl is going to get much out of tbh.

i'm actually feeling a bit sorry for you hls, you were doing ok, sort of, until you brought cosmo up!

What about this: "Blow Job Hell! Learn to love it!" (natch)

"Advice taken from: Sex: How to do everything"

Oh yes just what I want my daughter to aspire to: DOING EVERYTHING

I'd rather she read the Daily Mail TBH

oh FGS- get real. I just KNEW that when i wrote that there would be that response!

Have you got a teenage son? Have you talked to him about female orgasms? If so, and you are talking from a great, positive experience, fine. If not- then wait til you have.

Sex is not about mechanics. it is NOT just about how to give a woman orgasms. It IS about being close and discovering what pleasures a person- THEY communicate. It is not really a parents' role to give lessons on how to make a woman happy in bed! How would you know what makes a woman happy anyway! we're all different!

This thread has moved so far from the OP. Basically, I don't believe a 13 yr old is ready emotionally for sex. I also believe that the risk of pregnancy and disease is high. I think they should be encouraged to have friends as part of a mixed, social group, and to leave sex until they are old enough to cope if things go wrong- which they sadly often do.

Final post- said my bit!

Comments under article "How to be a blow job queen":

"My fella loved this! so did his brother!"

there isn't enough for this

that wanton wheelbarrow sounds terribly hard work on the elbows. Bloody hell if dh and I did it this house I would spend the whole time trying to identify particles of dried on sauce and breakfast cereal adhered to the back of the chair.

Now THAT'S proper advice: "Avoid positions that make you concentrate on housework"

yowza. something pressed a button? i think you know you've pretty much misinterpreted everything i've said.

please do tell me where i've mentioned that it is my role to tell my son 'how to please a woman?'

that his partners' pleasure is important and that if she is female it might not be as straight forward as find the hole, move in and out and bobs your uncle? yes. i think i need to find a way of conveying that to him.

isn't what i'm proposing the opposite of sex being about mechanics?

very confused by your interpretation tbh.

"god can you stop pumping the chair is digging into my stomach, i am practically being sliced in two here, the blood is rushing to my head, i deel like my head is going to pop off....i might puke"

the real world there cosmo

i can't remember in what context but sme months ago my two sons aged then 14 and 18 were talking about blow jobs quite casually whilst on the stairs, and (as you do) i walked pased them and said "whats good for the goose is good for the gander" which prompted a "what does that mean" response to which i said if you expect to take you should also expect to give ...then i winked and carried on about my business

kinda shut them up actually, but reminded then that oral sex isn't just for guys - i think they forget that amidst the teenage throng of mate braggin etc.

this whole conversation has reminded me that i haven't talked to my daughter for a while, i think i shall make an effort to ask her some stuff

funnily enough 'how to please a woman' is pretty much cosmo paradigm isn't it? except they seem more interested in the mechanics of how to please your man.

custy: there you go! you did exactly what i'm proposing. it doesn't ahve to be a one hit sit down and i'll tell you how it is moment.

also, i was wondering MP, how the living f*ck do you bend over a chair and HE grabs your ankles??? how is that physically possible? if he grabs your ankles his chest is going to be the thing trying to penetrate no?

custardo, ever sensible

here is the illustration

so romantic

it looks like an interogation technique from Abg Ghraib

ABU

ah you see, i missed that one foot was off floor. nice.