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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My daughter's just had sex :(

198 replies

sapphire · 28/03/2008 12:56

My DD and her b/f have just had sex ... she's not quite 14, he was 14 earlier this year..

They've been "going out" for about 6months now and his mum and I have been keeping a close eye on them as there have been various things said that made us worry that the relationship was more serious than we wished for. She spends a lot of time round at his house (as we have all sorts of other problems going on here and it's not a happy place) and his mum has been really careful - she allows them to go in his room to listen to music etc but the door has to stay open and she checks on them every 15 mins - and I do the same here.

yesterday she invited me and my DS over for dinner - after dinner he and her younger son went upstairs to play on the PS in his room and DD and b/f went up to HIS room ... we had coffee and a chat and then one of the younger boys came down to say that DD and b/f were kissing under the duvet - his mum went up to ask them to come down and be sociable and b/f did, DD didn't so I went up ..... and noticed an open condom packet on the floor. We talked to them as yes, they have actually done it.

Feel so disappointed in DD - we've talked lots lately and she kept reassuring me that they would be sensible - and ashamed and hurt and upset and confused. She's very mature for her age but still, she's only 13. And at least they took precautions but they are jsut kids.

Don't really know what to do. his mum and I spoke to both of them and said how disappointed we were and that though we won't stop them seeing each other from now on they stay with other people all the time. I'm sure that won't stop them if they really want to carry on but not sure what else to do.

Help!

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:25

littlewomen wow. good luck. let us know how it goes.

yes of course i didn't mean 'this is my favourite position with your dad!!!'

i nearly keeled over that you agree cod, you usually think i'm a nutter!

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:26

darth, all that is important, but if it is only given a negative spin, all credibility is lost....if sex is discussed purely in terms of being bad news all round then how on earth can we hope to be taken seriously?

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:27

i really think a slightly feminist spin on this is important. I can't think that boys would be having sex early (at all?) if they weren't likely to experience orgasm/pleasure.

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:27

Hmm DV I'm not sure that such a negative approach is so helpful

And I've got friends who were teenage mums and actually, it's not that terrible

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:28

you see underage pregnancy is awful (unwanted pregnancy is awful) but i do think the pill is pretty crap too. and if condomns (i'm not spelling it right am i?) are used properly they are very effective.

DarthVader · 05/05/2008 14:29

sophable, good point, but I think that for the under 16s the negatives far outweigh the positives because they are so unlikely to be able to deal with all the aspects of sex that they need to be able to deal with.

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:31

I don't know DV, I think teenage sex can be GREAT

I think the negatives only start outweighing the positives once you are in your 80s and your hips hurt

DarthVader · 05/05/2008 14:32

MP maybe I am too negative but I think a teenage mum of 19 is one thing, 13 is something totally different surely?

Is it really true that being a mum under the age of 16 is not that terrible? I don't know any so I am making assumptions really.

noddyholder · 05/05/2008 14:33

I agree if you rant about the negatives they won't believe you anyway as you are old out of date and laways warning them off things which turn out to be highly enjoyab;e.Better to acknowledge the good side and perhaps they will respect it for what it is and we will produce a generation who are not as uptight as many of us seem to be.Sex is great good for your health mentally and physically enjoyable fun exciting and free!Once you have contraception sorted and no one is being co erced you can't really knock it

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:33

depends on the under 16 year old imo. some 18 year olds are totally unready for sex, some 14 year olds are.

god i hope i get this right with ds. I will be devastated if he is an arrogant little shit that pointlessly jabs with no thought for her pleasure, their pregnancy or his STI.

equally i don't want him to be scared out of his head and weighed down with the responsibility for his partners orgasm!

i hope i can somehow communicate to him how important knowing your own body is, taking time to know someone else's and talking about how it feels all the way through, so no one is doing anything other that what feels good, is safe and they fully want to do. including him.

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:34

Being a mum at any age means having your world shaken to the ground.

But people tend to think TEENAGE MUM oh no, it's all over!!!! When (if you have a supportive family) it is really not the worst thing in the world. Bloody difficult to achieve certain things (like your GCSEs!) but not a bar to having a full and successful life, by any means.

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 14:34

it against the law!

folks forget that

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:35

yes nailpolish. it is a law designed to prevent co-ercion. so are these conversations hopefully.

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:36

Well the law is there to protect against abuse

It was never meant to lock up teenagers discovering sex

Downloading music is also against the law but they all do that

DarthVader · 05/05/2008 14:36

Sailing holidays on yachts are probably great fun, but you wouldn't usually go without learning to swim and how to deal with emergencies.

I think you need to attain a certain level of life competencies before sex can be enjoyed without it being reckless and I doubt that you would get to this point at age 13.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:37

darth, i agree that most wouldn't, and also think that these kind of open discussions help them be better equipped.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:37

i wonder how sapphire is doing?

Tatterdemalion · 05/05/2008 14:39

hmmmm MP (up to that last point I have been nodding furiously here with your and sophables posts).

I'm not sure that the positives of early teenage sex outweigh the negatives. I think (and I am still thinking about this so I am happy to have my mind changed) that really really excellent sex happens when

a) you are confident with the actual mechanics of sex, and know your own way around your body (ie what type of stimulation really works for you)

b) you are confident in your method of contraception to prevent STI's and/or pregnancy

c) you are fairly happy with the person that you are having sex with isn't a first class shite and/or completely inept.

d) you have some emotional maturity to deal with the consequences of being sexually active

I'm not sure I was up to speed on any of those things when I was 13.

Tatterdemalion · 05/05/2008 14:40

sorry uber slow typist, MP that was your post at 14:31:55

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 14:40

i think you have the makings of a four point plan there tatter!

Tatterdemalion · 05/05/2008 14:43

I'm wondering about sapphire too, hope she and her dd are ok.

dittany · 05/05/2008 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:48

We need a flow chart!

I agree Tatters, lots of young teenagers are TOO YOUNG FOR SEX

although I think if they are gagging to explore and they have a longish term partner (like in the OP), there is a safe ballpark for them to explore in - and I think it's good that they know about other options. I spend most of my teenage years having non-penetrative sex. It was huge fun, and far less "risky" (or 'big') compared with intercourse.

Listen to Sophable, she is saying it all MUCH more coherently, I agree with her posts far more than my own

Tatterdemalion · 05/05/2008 14:57

lol

my favorite ever piece of advice during my teenage years was from one of the Rugby teachers (standing in for the biology teacher), he said, with the greatest confidence, infront of a lecture theatre full of the lower sixth

"you know girls, teenage boys are absolutely shit at sex, they don't have a clue what they are doing. If I were you I would just masturbate a lot more"

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 15:02

lol that's great