My daughter's just had sex :(

[sapphire]

My DD and her b/f have just had sex ... she's not quite 14, he was 14 earlier this year..

They've been "going out" for about 6months now and his mum and I have been keeping a close eye on them as there have been various things said that made us worry that the relationship was more serious than we wished for. She spends a lot of time round at his house (as we have all sorts of other problems going on here and it's not a happy place) and his mum has been really careful - she allows them to go in his room to listen to music etc but the door has to stay open and she checks on them every 15 mins - and I do the same here.

yesterday she invited me and my DS over for dinner - after dinner he and her younger son went upstairs to play on the PS in his room and DD and b/f went up to HIS room ... we had coffee and a chat and then one of the younger boys came down to say that DD and b/f were kissing under the duvet - his mum went up to ask them to come down and be sociable and b/f did, DD didn't so I went up ..... and noticed an open condom packet on the floor. We talked to them as yes, they have actually done it.

Feel so disappointed in DD - we've talked lots lately and she kept reassuring me that they would be sensible - and ashamed and hurt and upset and confused. She's very mature for her age but still, she's only 13. And at least they took precautions but they are jsut kids.

Don't really know what to do. his mum and I spoke to both of them and said how disappointed we were and that though we won't stop them seeing each other from now on they stay with other people all the time. I'm sure that won't stop them if they really want to carry on but not sure what else to do.

Help!

go on pill and use condoms . he probably won't be the last b/f and need to protect against everything as much as possible. less fuss may help to not prolong this relationship and she may act differently next time !

No-one has actually discussed the emotional side of this- it's all been abut pregnancy and STDs- which is v important.

However, boys and girls are very different! Boys simply want sex, whereas girls see it as love and a relationship. It is most likely they will split up- how will your daughter feel then? Will she continue to have sex with every passing boyfriend, now that she has done it ? With the increased risk of diseases and pregnancy?

I don't agree that she ought to go on the pill, as long-term pill use is linked to cancers, and she still needs to use condoms against STDs.

I think she should be advised that sex is part of a very special , close relationship.

And to be really frank, what sort of lover is your average 13/14 year old boy? They are only interested in their own satisfaction.It is unlikely she is getting much out of it physically, but she might be doing it to keep him, or if she thinks everyone else does it.

Thirteen is much too young- for emotional reasons. The law exists for a reason- and you should encourage her to take notice of it.

My sister got pg at 15. None of us even knew she was having sex. It was an awful time. All her friends disowned her.

Her boyfriend at the time was 15 also & he told her to have an abortion. We are catholic & sis couldn't bring herself to have one. She had the baby & her world fell in on her.

My niece is 15 & she has had a boyfriend for 9 months now... I chatted with her mum last week & she hasn't even had a talk with her about contraception etc.. despite what our other sister went through.

So I think you have been very open with your dd & at least she can come to you for advice & be open..... I worry for my niece who although seems to be very mature, I wonder if she acts more mature than she is, ie: thinks she's old enough for sex when she really isn't

Unfortunately, with girls hitting puberty so much earlier these days, the average age for losing your virginity has gone right down with it. Thirteen is not unusual these days, sadly. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying that I believe it is true from what i hear (I have four teenage daughters). Two of my girls were about that age.

I'd have been totally that they'd done that whilst I was downstairs though. I'd have said "how would you like it if I did that to you, skank?" . Sorry, I know it's not funny, but that is how I would say it.

Of course, I would do all the other talking as well. Very worrying, on an emotional level, I agree. Their bodies may be approaching adulthood, but their emotions not so much. Rejection is very very hard, at that age.

I can't imagine what it must be like - my dd is only 4, but I can say, (from experience of losing my virginity at 12 !! that you aren't going to be able to stop them. If you try to they will find a way, and she too will stop sharing things with you.

At least they are taking precautions and you have been a great mum for her to at least know how to take precautions - I had NO IDEA and seriously do not know how I did't get pregnant. We used to be in bf's bedroom with his parents downstairs, in my playroom in the attic with parents downstairs. My mum was just too naive and selectively blinded to realise or even consider anything was going on. It wasn't until I was with another bf at 15 that she said 'I hope you won't do anything stupid and if you do NEVER under this roof.'

For some reason I confided in her immediately after coming back from the FCC with the pill and she was very supportive but she has no idea what went on when i was younger. And then at 15, it was in parks, up alleyways, either bedrooms.......honestly, they will find a way

[ashamed at myself]

Sapphire,i would seriously think about getting the implant or injection to prevent pregnancy.

My ds1's gf has the implant. They have been in a relationship since they were both 14 and they are 16.8 and 16.4 now. I would rather they had waited till they were both 16 but hey they are teenagers.

Oh and to whoever said boys are only in it for sex? Some might be but i don't think you can say that for all boys. I daresay some girls are only in it for sex too!!

whoaaaah!

lets try to cool the temperature of this thread down a bit! the pill is bad enough let alone implants (there are side effects to both you know!).

your daughter is in a loving relationship and wants to have sex. nothing in this world is going to stop her and it hasn't (including you being downstairs).

the absolute worst thing you can do is get draconian, this will push them together a la romeo and juliet.

is he a nice boy? is he kind to her?

if it were me, i would have a long gentle, humour filled chat about STIs (really talk to her about the implications of chlamydia, genital warts, these are the most common two but go through them all and pregnancy/abortion). I'd also talk to her about whether she orgasms or not, and all the other things they could be doing to give her pleasure, other than penetration. I'd talk about how if he was a really great lover, his primary consideration would be her pleasure first, and penetration would come after that. I'd ask her if they have had, and can talk about manual and oral sex. I'd suggest that if she found that embarrassing maybe she wasn't ready for penetration. i'd get a little feminist on her in terms of female pleasure. i'd ask her if she was faking orgasm and talk to her about why if she is.

if your daughter is mature enough to have this conversation honestly and openly, then i would suggest that she is mature enough to make a decision about her sexual life. but it think it would be interesting to see how she responded to it...

she hasn't done anything 'wrong'. she has used a condomn. talk to her about your early sexual experiences....were some good? do you regret some of them.

if you treat her like an adult, she will either rise to it, or will realise that she really isn't ready for all of this.

Oh sophable- are you serious? How many girls would like that type of conversation? When I was 13 I didn't even know that women had orgasms- shows how old I am!!!!

Female orgasm is very tricky- i have friends in their 50s who are non-orgasmic- despite the best efforts of their partners- so it's not a measure of pleasure or success in bed.

I do not know of ANY women who have had this type of chat with their mothers-or sometimes even their friends, come to that! And I consider myself pretty broad minded and a woman of the world!

I think the best any parent can do is to spell out the risks-
the more partners you have, the higher the risk of STD, cervical cancer and cancer from being on the pill for years. Condoms have a high failure rate amongst the young and they burst even with careful use. Implants can have side effects and the risk is that with the pill or implants, they won't use condoms,so the risk of STDs and cervical cancer will increase.

My advice would be that you don't HAVE to have sex with every boyfriend . Think about the consequences- the relationship won't la st, then how will you feel? Sex should be more than a cup of coffee- it should be part of a deep and meaningful relationship.

IMO, as a teacher and parent coach, I just feel that the emotional responsibility of a sexual relationship is too much for someone so young.

I think that girls of that age should see boys as friends as much as possible and not get into heavy relationships.

I know that none of this helps the OP, but I just think that kids now think everyone is doing it and should do it, whether they are ready for it emotionally or not.

If they're going to do it with both mums just downstairs, then no power on earth is going to stop them.

I agree with the others who say she sounds very mature for her age, and congratulations to you for having such a healthy, open relationship with her that you can discuss it.

You say that "home is not a happy place" - this may be a factor? It often is with girls who have sexual relationships early.

They've had sex, they're not going to stop - but they've been sensible and mature, used protection, and she's discussing it with you. Try and hold back your horror and fear, and focus on that, and keep a calm communication going.

Sorry - just reread that and it sounds rather judgemental about the 'happy home' bit - I didn't mean it like that (writing in a rush, should have left it) but more a sense that it's great that in spite of that you have brought up a brought up a mature girl who's open with you, and having sex in a loving relationship, albeit a bit prematurely.

hls, I'm deadly serious and that is exactly my point. if sapphire's daughter really is as emotionally mature as she thinks that she is, she will be ready to engage in this conversation. the stuff about orgasming is at least as important as the STI stuff....so many young women have sex with little or no pleasure themselves and only later in their lives come to an understanding that their pleasure is at least as important as their partner's.

no the daughter may not 'like' the conversation but the reality of being a sexually mature adult is the ability to think and talk about this sort of thing, with her mother (as she is still in her mother's care) and definitely with her partner.

Sapphire a really important question to ask your daughter is whether she can talk about this stuff with him. if not that raises serious questions about whether continuing to have penetrative sex with him is a wise thing and i think this kind of conversation may get her thinking about it.

sophable- sorry, but i think we will have to agree to disagree! lol

That sort of conversation is off limits for most women,let alone daughters of 13.

Do you talk to your mum about those things? Do you have a daughter of your own to whom you would talk like that?

I don't think it has anything to do with being emotionally mature- god, I'd hope that in my 50s I WAS emotionally mature now, but I could never in a million years have or/have had that chat with my mum and she's a darling. For a start, it assumes they have a good/happy/fulfilling sex life themselves and that they have no hang ups.

I really do think that children need more guidance, in the shape of "That's not right at 13" - whether they continue to have sex is another matter, but often they are wanting someone to say that. it is well known that children needs boundaries and something to push against- if they don't, the feel lost and confused.

I COULD have had sex at 13- I had a boyfriend who pushed for it- my parent found out- they read his letters- and they did everything they could to keep us apart. I didn't have sex at 13 because I knew I was too young,and that I wasn't ready for that. I was also terrified of getting pregnant, even with condoms. Looking back, I made the right choice. he dumped me shortly afterwards, for a girl who said "Yes".

I'm not being cynical - I just think that kids need boundaries, even if they choose to ignore them. I don't go for all this "mums my best friend" as it confuses them- that's well-documented- not my words.

I'm with you on this hls. I wouldn't be happy about it at all

Thanks sss- I was beginning to feel like an old middle-aged spoil sport!

hls, imo it is part of our duty of care as parents to ensure that our children understand that there is more to sex than STIs, pregnancy and succumbing to pressure to do it. I think most parents fail in this duty of care. I hope not to do so.

i think the fact that the thought of this conversation horrifies you is linked with our high teenage pregnancy rate and spiralling incidence of STIs. As a society we owe it to our young people to counter a culture of youporn with some honest discussion of all aspects of sexuality. because if we don't, all their left with is the youporn. which is a very bad thing indeed.

do you not see that our inability to speak about these matters goes back to victorian attitude of embarrassment and brushing under carpet accompanied by the biggest prostitute population ever?

sapphire your daughter needs to see that you are comfortable talking about this stuff, that her sexual pleasure should be central to the experience and she needs to ask herself why it isn't if it isn't (i bet it isn't).

i am not condoning sex aged 13, far from it. I"m saying that your daughter needs to ask herself some questions about what she is getting out of it/why she is doing it. and you need to lead on those.

where is morningpaper when you need her?

My gut reaction to the OP is one of sheer sadness that this having sex appears to be the norm for a lot of teenagers.

Whilst I can see where hls is coming from, I can also see Sophable's pov and think this is really good advice. I'm guessing though that a lot of mums would not be able to have this sort of conversation with their child.

this

(should preview, grr)

sophable- do you practise what you preach? Do you have these conversations with your mum? Or your daughter?

You didn't answer that!

If you haven't a daughter, then I think you are on dodgy ground giving such strong opinions.

I can see that Victorian values have a lot to answer for. I am not for a moment suggesting we turn back the clock.

I just think you need to be realistic about the type of conversations that go on in families. Have you never realised that the last thing in the world children want to hear about is their parents/mother's sex lives? Have you never realised that most children are highly embarrassed at the idea of their parents having sex? These taboos, for want of a better word, exist not because of Victorian values, but because innate psychological issues connected, ultimately, with incest.

However, can you see that teenage pregnancy has actually RISEN since there has been more sex education, free easily-available contraception, and so-called tolerance of teenage sex!!! Now I wonder why that is?

I am not a prude, but the LAW exists for a reason- to protect children from their own immaturity and being taken advantage of. In other countries, it is the culture for many girls to marry at 12 or 13. In our western society it isn't. That doesn't mean that they don't want to have sex. But it does mean that some self-restraint is sometimes called for- and that I as a parent would encourage that, because the risks of pregnancy, disease, emotional hurt far outweigh any benefits of casual sex.

Agree with sophable.

I have two stepsons (13, 10) and a daughter (3.6) and my partner and I are as open as possible about sex - and that its principle function is mutual pleasure.

OMFG
I can think of nothing more dreadful and inappropriate than advising one's daughter on orgasms and sex tips.
FGS!!!