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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My daughter's just had sex :(

198 replies

sapphire · 28/03/2008 12:56

My DD and her b/f have just had sex ... she's not quite 14, he was 14 earlier this year..

They've been "going out" for about 6months now and his mum and I have been keeping a close eye on them as there have been various things said that made us worry that the relationship was more serious than we wished for. She spends a lot of time round at his house (as we have all sorts of other problems going on here and it's not a happy place) and his mum has been really careful - she allows them to go in his room to listen to music etc but the door has to stay open and she checks on them every 15 mins - and I do the same here.

yesterday she invited me and my DS over for dinner - after dinner he and her younger son went upstairs to play on the PS in his room and DD and b/f went up to HIS room ... we had coffee and a chat and then one of the younger boys came down to say that DD and b/f were kissing under the duvet - his mum went up to ask them to come down and be sociable and b/f did, DD didn't so I went up ..... and noticed an open condom packet on the floor. We talked to them as yes, they have actually done it.

Feel so disappointed in DD - we've talked lots lately and she kept reassuring me that they would be sensible - and ashamed and hurt and upset and confused. She's very mature for her age but still, she's only 13. And at least they took precautions but they are jsut kids.

Don't really know what to do. his mum and I spoke to both of them and said how disappointed we were and that though we won't stop them seeing each other from now on they stay with other people all the time. I'm sure that won't stop them if they really want to carry on but not sure what else to do.

Help!

OP posts:
ib · 05/05/2008 12:29

I'm with sophable. I had sex at 13 in a happy, committed relationship and regret it not for a second. My parents gave me the space to be with my bf without checking up on us so we only ever had sex when we were alone in the house and in the mood, but several of my friends whose parents checked up on them regularly had sex with the door open and their parents downstairs. They just didn't enjoy it as much and of course had less time to make sure they got the condoms on right and all that, so had many more pg scares than I did.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 13:03

it is nothing to do with 'sex tips' moondog. i think you know that too.

hls, i had sex aged 15. my mother tried her best, but was distraught at it and showed that. she voiced disapproval of the relationship and tried to stop us having opportunities to have sex (so i would stop in on my way home from school ). i was in a relationship with the guy for 3 years, he was decent and caring and i feel very lucky that he was my first.

I think that my mothers' reaction (born of concern and opprobrium) contributed to my being extremely promiscuous once out of this relationship. not good.

I have a boy. I will be talking to him about the fact that women's orgasms are not as obvious to get to as mens and how important it is to be open and communicative with a partner about whether they are enjoying it, as well as discussing STIs and pregnancy/abortion. I've no doubt that he will find the conversation excruciating, however, I would have failed in my role as a parent if I didn't have it with him. I will do it earlier rather than later.

the lowest teen pregnancy rates in europe are in the netherlands and scandinavia. they teach sex education early and talk about other forms of sexual intimacy, orgasm, the emotional aspects of sexuality.

teaching young people about oral sex etc contributes to lower rates

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 13:05

I agree with Sophable, and I HOPE that I am able to have these discussions with my children.

I agree particularly about discussing your own experiences - good and bad - in order to try and be open about the emotional consequences.

I've got lots of long and drivelly diaries from my early teenage years which discuss my thoughts and feelings about sex - I'm so glad I've got them, I wonder if my DDs will be interested to read them when they are that age?! I hope so.

Yes of course they might hate me and rather DIE than discuss such things with me, but I hope I can have an open relationship with them about these things. (And it sounds like you have a good relationship OP, which is most of the good work done, IMO.)

And I agree, they are having sex, they are going to keep having sex. They are in a relationship, she is not shagging boys at a nightclub to impress her friends, she is just exploring and learning with her boyfriend, which is great IMO.

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 13:07

And I suppose that yes, my father took this approach with me (in his own way) although TBH when he and my mum split up it was largely about ME advising HIM. Bless him.

Tomsmate · 05/05/2008 13:32

I too am with Sophable and have had these conversations with our teens.

Not all in one go-that does make it sound like an excruciating conversation but over a period of time.
Certainly both ds's and dd's know that pleasure is as important for females as for males, but also that 'No always means no' and that they always have the right to decide exactly what happens to their own bodies and am pretty certain now they won't be pressured into anything, they don't want to do.

Am also of the opinion that their sex lives has got nothing to do with me-most teenagers will have got all of the morals and beliefs in what is right or wrong by the time they are this age-if parents have done their job right.
Knowing they can come and talk to me about anything, they tell me is hugely reassuring. They know they can come to me for anything.

I had sex at 14 -26 years ago!
I wish I hadn't. I was persuaded by my bf. And by the idea that my friends were 'doing it' Wish I had known a whole lot more from my mom. Can have much broader conversations with her now-but I still have to lead those conversations

going back to the OP. I am full of admiration for your relationship that your daughter can talk to you about this.
Yes you are right, having sex at that age is what you would wish for any child, but it is happening. You and she will be alright if you can carry on talking.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 13:34

tomsmate i completely disagree that this 'conversation' needs to be ongoing and not in one sudden hit. but sometimes it will feel more like a 'sit down and talk about it' one and i think for the OP this might be one of those times.

it is all about knowing enough to know what is possible, what you are entitled to, and that you shouldn't feel pressured.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 13:35

argh! i completely AGREE!

littlewoman · 05/05/2008 13:52

My eldest teenager wouldn't want me to talk to her about sex. That's a bit sad really. She pretends it doesn't exist around me. Her mum doesn't do that, and I respect that's the way she wants to see me (even though she knows it isn't true). 2nd daughter gives me far too much information which I raise my eyebrows at and pull shocked faces, but listen to her and try to help. Third one has had sex once. Doesn't want to do it again til she finds someone she likes and trusts, but she talks to me about it. Fourth hasn't been there yet (she's only just hit puberty). Sex is rude according to her lol.

My point, everyone is different, so before having a chat with your children about your own sexual experiences you might need to check up on whether they want to talk with you about it. That's only fair, isn't it? Maybe it isn't. I don't really know. I just really couldn't imagine telling the kids about my sex life. I wouldn't have wanted to know about my mother's, that's for damn sure.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2008 13:56

i don't think it has to be about own sexual experiences, and i think that is a fine line to tread (over confiding by parents in children is a very bad thing imo). however, the emotional aspects of your own experience might be a useful thing to talk about. and you can do the rest without making it personal!

women are built in this way, women often fake orgasms, why would that be?, it can be easier for a woman to get pleasure from manual or oral stimulation then penetration, it is really important to be lubricated enough before penetration, not being can cause thrush and irritation, as well as cystitis etc etc etc. these are all really important things for a young girl embarking on her sexual life to know about imo.

kama · 05/05/2008 14:02

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littlewoman · 05/05/2008 14:03

Right, well now that I agree with, Sophable. Have just read the entire thread. I still don't know that I could do the whole 'this is what I do in bed' talk, but it is an excellent question as to why they are doing it and what they are getting out of it, given that most of them will not be orgasming (through lack of knowledge/ experience) at age 13. It might very well be submissiveness and a desire to please, which in and of itself panders to patriarchal values and 'men rule, girls drool' theory (yes, that is a real theory ).

I think that is a very valid point, and I understand the point now of the conversation, and in what way to lead it. It will naturally lead on to what they can and should expect, if their partner is loving and in it for her too. I wish my mum had talked to me now; I although I still don't want to know her favourite position, which is where I thought you were coming from, for the sake of shock value Sorry.

moondog · 05/05/2008 14:04

Jeez, I've been arpound the block (and then some) but would have dies had my (very liberated mother) tried this on with me. Oh, and had a lovely 22 year old bf at the age of 17 who waited months unti li was ready.

Tbh, being all 'healthy' and open about it takes the fun out of it frankly. i wanted it to be deep down adn dirty actually.

FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 14:05

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littlewoman · 05/05/2008 14:08

I have resolved to have a glass of wine with my girls this evening (to lessen the embarrassment and instill an all girls together camaraderie), and to lead the conversation in this direction -not the youngest one yet. She will keep. But the others, yes. It is a good thing to do.

I feel quite enlightened. Shall I let you know how it goes?

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:08

Yes Littlewoman I think it is more about talking about respecting yourself and doing it for your own enjoyment (as a woman) and being aware of the mechanics of arousal and the different types of sex - and about the emotional side of things. I think you can say "I remember doing X and feeling X" as a pointer for discussion, rather than saying "Ooh yes I like it when your father goes down on me."

I have a diary from when I was 12 in which I wrote a list of boys I wanted to 'snog' and boys I wanted to 'have sex' with

  • I'm sure if I had a willing partner I would have been up to all sorts of mischief

I blame Judy Blume

FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 14:09

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FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 14:12

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morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:14

littlewoman

Seriously I love listening to young women's views on sex and things like that, I am fascinated by their opinions and experience in these changing times; it must be weird growing up with porn so normalised but sex talk so repressed

morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:19

there was a good article in the Guardian (obv) a year or so ago about how young women are having more sex but not more orgasms, it was very thought-provoking (can't find it now)

FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 14:20

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morningpaper · 05/05/2008 14:21

They did lots of interviews with young women

It was very interesting

noddyholder · 05/05/2008 14:21

Better to keep the dialogue open from a young age and stress the pleasure and the pitfalls.Sophable is right it is not just about the mechanics.We are so ridiculous in this country about sex

DarthVader · 05/05/2008 14:22

i think you should have a talk about the legal age of consent being 16 and why this is.

Also have a chat about what can go wrong, in terms of her health, relationships and emotional well being. Ask her if she can talk you through what she would do in various possible future scenarios:

she gets pregnant
bf is unfaithful & gives her an std
bf dumps her & tells classmates she is a slapper
etc

Is there any way she could get some insight into the experiences of underage mums and young girls who have had abortions?

Heated · 05/05/2008 14:22

I'd suggest to your dd to use more reliable contraception than just a condom. Amongst teenagers condoms have a 65% reliability rate and in older adults a figure in the high 80s%.

Heated · 05/05/2008 14:23

Btw, that isn't all I would say, but there are wiser words on here than mine.