How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

Get him on a green skills day get his cscs card. Or trainee scaffolder those sought of jobs

CSCS is a British scheme, it won't exist where OP is.

@Mybusyday take some time time to read the thread please.

My DS was terrible to live with when he was 14-17yo. He was depressed and suicidal but never told me. He eventually sorted himself out and my lack of support ruined our relationship.

Hard parenting is difficult and can be the wrong thing to do, believe me, it's hard working out what the real problem is and more often than not, it's not laziness.

Gen Z are the first generation to have social media thrust at them from birth. I feel for them it cannot be easy being in a goldfish bowl constantly :(

My DD games and there is so much bullying and bad mouthing it's untrue. Being behind a keyboard brings out the worst in people - there are no consequences to atrocious behaviour. Is your DS OK online @BlastedPimples? Pls check in on him and make sure he's OK or of course, equally bad for him, not bullying others.

Could it be gaming addiction?

Would he do an OU course?

Dont need any qualifications. Can be done at home.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I have been through it to a degree and with counselling and taking a massive step back am slowly coming through it and that was with two parents involved.

My advice is to back off, use the negative energy to clean the skid marks, clean the kitchen etc etc and do not get cross. Comment that it would be nice to leave the kitchen tidy etc but don't labour the point. It is good that he is trying to study be positive but if he fails again he will need to find a job. Be supportive and sympathetic. Even when he is being rude etc. Try to only say positive things it is easy to get into a negative cycle.

You need outside help. May be a hobby for him or a counsellor, support worker anyone who can advocate for you both and put some structure in the home that you are both happy with. He may not be capable of studying and housework atm.

Teenagers find it hard to be tidy. Mine have never cleaned the toilet after themselves, picked up wet towels etc until the were in their early 20s

Motivational podcasts are also a good idea as pp mentioned. Sometimes it seems like they don't take your advice but they absolutely do. Things will get better.

I would cut off his access to gaming. Change the WiFi password and stop paying his phone contract if you are. He needs to break those habits. Explain to him that he gets those things back when he attends school regularly or gets a job.

It might be very hard, and not the right thing to do to ask him to leave, but his life at home needs to be less comfortable in order to force a change I think. I don't mean you shouldn't be supportive if he is struggling, but that he needs to realise that things have to be worked for.

My brother in law has been allowed to quit school and jobs and stay at home doing as he likes and making no financial contribution. He isn't rude or a slob, but it's done his mental health no good. He is now in his thirties and a virtual recluse.

I have three sons. It's not been easy. I have stopped paying phones, not cooked meals for them at times and taken the wifi box to work with me.
I have made life uncomfortable when it needs to be.
You have to figure out what's bugging you the most eg skid marks wouldn't bother me I would just bleach and sigh. Huge amounts of gaming and no school would.
Tell him no school then he gets a job.
No more lifts to rugby unless he is up and acting like a member of the family.
I hear the exasperation in your voice. Big hug. Your not a bad parents it's bloody hard.

I could tell you a thousand horror stories about mine but they get there. Promise.

I suppose we can't all be polite, hardworking, decent people. Sometimes nature beats nurture and perhaps he's just a shitty person. Lots of people with limited support here for OP. I disagree with all of them.

When you say we op do you mean you and your now ex?

I'm just wondering because if the person assessing him was looking for specific nd traits, what they could have missed was signs of trauma due to your exes abusive behaviour towards you. I've no doubt you did all you could as a mum to protect your son, but just growing up in that dynamic is harmful and traumatic and a lot of clinicians aren't necessarily specialising in dv. I work with lots of young people who present like this, but often they're either masking around others, or the trigger is home because of a parents behaviour in the home. It's really really common for dv perps to manipulate children in the home, either to stress out the other parent even more or to get information on the other parents comings and goings from the child. Historic trauma often overlaps with nd behaviours in loads of different ways but it might explain why you haven't got a clear diagnosis?

What you said about rage and refusing to cooperate sounds a lot like behaviours your ex probably exhibited at different points and we learn our behaviours from our parents first and foremost.

Where is he enrolling? I'm amazed they let him, given that he's presumably taking up a place at the expense of someone else who would actually take their work seriously.

Your comments aren’t helpful. She’s told you more than once. You just want to put the boot in. Please stop.

So presumably you live abroad? Do you have a base in the UK, or relatives there? If you do, it might be worth sending him back and telling him to get on the housing waiting list.

I'm thinking given his struggles when younger this is trauma based. His Dad was abusive and no longer lives in the same country. This is trauma.

That said he needs to grow up.

Certain things need overlooking like dinner, he doesn't need you to cook for him or eat with you.

Things like a messy room also I would leave.

Communal spaces need respect though. I would start charging rent.

He does sound depressed though. Healthy teens don't want to fail over and over and live like this.

You mention trying to get him help, I'm wondering what sort of therapy you've had? Parenting classes might be an idea? They will have more ideas I imagine for your situation.

This

I wouldn't tell him to hurry up,I'd leave him to it, pick your battles.

I gave up getting ds to clean his bedroom years ago, I go in once a week with a hoover ,he strips the bed. The other day I heard him hoover without being promoted first time ever and he's older than your ds!

Calm chat about leaving the toilet in a decent state.

Any practical suggestions as to how the OP 'takes' a 'massive' adult male to the GP if he is unco-operative?

She has posted several times about the years of help she has sought for him before he reached adulthood.

I have! My 20 year old daughter has said that to me before. She has even hit me. I regularly have to clean her urine and faecal incontinence (way worse than a skid mark trust me), and have he to even syringe liquids into her every hour due to her poor mental health at times.

I'm not saying your son has depression as I don't know him but a few things you have said stood out to me, such as being withdrawn and angry, stepping away from reality by immersing himself in gaming, not really applying himself at college and not much motivation to really do anything.

I think a little compassion and understanding could go a long way. I'm not saying it's acceptable him behaving like that towards you, but maybe there's an underlying reason which is worth exploring further before making him leave.

You says he games. In the short term are you able to turn off the router at a certain time in the evening? How is he funding his lifestyle? Are you paying for it? Stop paying for it. No more allowance. If he is failing school, over and over, no more paying for it. As others have said, no more doing laundry, no more catering to him in any way. Are you able to make it hard for him to sit around and do nothing?

How does he pay for the gym? Are you paying for it? If yes, stop doing that. I hate that people on here are trying to make you sound like a bad parent. You have a handful there and I would be ready to move him out into the world, too.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. No wonder you feel despair, anger, helplessness. You are doing so much to try to help your son and nothing is working. Those on here who say you are a shit parent can go fuck themselves. Or better yes, maybe they can take in your son and work their Disney magic on him so he becomes a stellar human being. Ignore the abuse. Mumsnetters are quick to abuse.

Please ignore the ignorant posters who say you are a shit parent. They are just showing themselves to be embarrassingly stupid.

When his exams get marked as a U, does that mean ungradable? You said he's surprised when this happens, is it genuine surprise because he can't understand why not or more like annoyed arrogance that he didn't get the grade he thought he deserved (ie an attitude problem)? I noticed some posters have mentioned ND. Amongst other things it causes communication issues. Is he not understanding the questions, but thinks he is? Any way of getting hold of his past exam papers to see what he wrote? Just ideas. I can't imagine many people get a U grade in exams, that's an extreme fail.

Typically a U is given when the exam hasn’t been sat or attempted