How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

How long have your been living abroad? Could there be any cultural differences at play or difficulty in adjusting to a new country? Possibly language issues as well?

Also, you mentioned CAMHS. Do you mean that he accessed CAMHS while in the UK or he has been under the care of the local equivalent? Again, depending on the country where you are living, you may encounter quite different attitudes to mental health which may or may not be helpful to your son.

Did he witness or experience any abuse from his father? That could potentially be another underlying issue.

It sounds as though you have done a great deal for your son and I completely understand why you are feeling at a loss. If his school is supportive (and it sounds like they are) I would contact them and lay everything on the line. Maybe they have additional resources or ideas about where to turn?

Totally this.

I've been depressed, there is no way I'd have gone to the gym everyday or anything I didn't actually have to do.

I'd be way more concerned he's using steroids.

Op he may need help and you have obviously tried to help him. But the reality is he's an adult and once his education ends he needs to wake up to reality and get a job.

And why are you cleaning his bathroom, if he has his own bathroom leave him to it, his washing room.and tea as well. He can sort himself out if he's not willing to engage or be polite.

If he's got the motivation and energy to play rugby, go to the gym every day and take care of his diet to sustain muscle he's building weight training ( protein shakes and eggs) then he's not depressed. Depressed people have no interest in doing anything for pleasure other than maybe eat/drink/take drugs. Sounds just spoilt to me. Has he thought about being a PT?

Well, this is it. He will get up for a rugby match but not for school.

And he's obsessively meticulous about his diet. Protein levels etc.

I don't think he's taking steroids. He's a puritan.

But then I just thought depression is a complex affliction and perhaps school is too daunting.

We had a chat yesterday after I did some reading about ND burnout.

I suggested he leave school. Take that pressure off. Take time to process. Get him assessed for ADHD or ASD meanwhile.

He is reluctant to let go of doing AS levels. Everyone else does them so I suppose it's scary to be the only one out of that well worn path.

But if he's not attending school, then he's not doing AS levels anyway iyswim. So I will chat to him again today and see what he feels after he's slept on my suggestions.

Thank you so much for listening to me when I was in deep despair and worry. And for constructive advice and kind words and understanding.

How can he game without internet? Learn how to restrict his access. It worked on my DS. Who pays for his phone? Same deal. Buys and cooks his food? Laundry? You need to explain consequences calmly and realistically and then carry through on actions. You can selectively lock out his devices from internet! Good luck.

i would have thought school wont want him back after easter

I have absolutely no advice, just wish I could give you a hug. It all sounds very exhausting. M
xx

Yup, been there. It's not shit parenting BTW. I think it is easy for them to go off the rails at college age unfortunately. In the end, I had to kick my son out (the situation got far worse than yours and I had a primary age daughter - I couldn't have her seeing him swearing/shouting at me/drugs and behaving like a tramp). The icing on the cake was when my daughter's school called me with some 'safeguarding' concerns.

Find him a HMO, pay three months rent for him and give him some shopping. Change your locks. Then tell him to crack on with life. He won't like it, the harsh reality might shock him into being better but it will take time. There were times my son had no money, no food. I would take him out and help him with the basics but ultimately he knew he had to get work. He is older now and just about managing to hold down jobs, he realises he behaved badly and knows I had no choice. Sometimes hard love is the only way.

I think it’s totally normal to feel quite lost around that age. The security of school and knowing what life is going to be like year in year out is suddenly gone and you’re expected to suddenly be an adult and join the real world and mentally and emotionally I think it comes as quite a shock to some.
This is no excuse for rudeness of course, but someone who isn’t good at dealing with how they feel about things might come across this way.

Does he have a goal or a future career ambition? If not, might he accept that it’s better to just go and get any job he can for a year or two to let his brain catch up a bit. This will allow him to play rugby in his spare time and game etc (plus have money for the things he enjoys), while letting the stress of the past few years go?

This will ease him into the working world but without the knowledge that he’s ‘stuck’ doing this forever.

This was my son a couple of years ago, and he was very depressed. What I did was keep lines of communication open, I asked him why does he game so much, and listened to his response, I asked him to come for a walk with me, watch a TV programme with me, not the while family, he may only feel he can cope with one person, you need to be available constantly, I said, even if you have a low time at 3am, come and wake me, we'll go downstairs and chat, have a cuppa, sit in silence, whatever you want. Op it's not easy parenting, it's stressful and exhausting, but now, I have a totally different son, who has come through it, and out the other side, and I'm so proud of him. Good luck. X

Turn off the internet when you want him to do something or simply get the home internet disconnected and use mobile or even put a password on it he doesn't know. Then there will be no gaming all day when he should be at college and if he doesn't go no internet when he gets home

Get the police to escort him out, and let him see how life is when you're homeless. He has zero respect for you!!

Guess he may not be academic. Does he have a safe place to go? Sounds as if you may be afraid of him. Seems you have checked out for depression. Then stop all support I.e. finance food washing his clothes cleaning his room etc. Difficult one he is an adult but still your Ds. You expect this behaviour from a 13 to 16 year old. Maybe a social worker could help. Good luck.

Because that’s obviously going to work so well for a ND depressed person🙄

Great that you spoke to him OP. How did it go down? Did you feel you managed to get below the surface?

From the sound of it OP you have tried to help him and he has refused, time for some hard lessons now.
Want to be rude a dispectful simple
Shut the electricity off to his room, can't game if there is no electricity.if he wants the privilege of gaming he has to do a certain number of chorus and studying.
Stop making him meals or doing anything for him
At 19 he should know how things work and being respectful and pulling his weight is a must.

Based on what I've read from the OP and her replies I think she's done more than enough to try and help him so I don't really get some of the comments blaming OP. Sometimes there's only so much one can do for a child.

@BlastedPimples i speak from experience, when i have been depressed, i lose interest in everything, nothing i used to enjoy will excite me or make me get up. I wont listen to music, wont exercise, wont talk to friends, wont go shopping, watch tv, The not washing is just being dirty and gaming is lazy.

My teenage daughter is lazy AF and drives me mad. I'm looking for a solution myself. I tell her no money or phone and she just says 'i don't care' I think in your case, you need to do something more drastic to kick his arse .

If I were you I’d get rid of his gaming devices. He’ll go mad but this situation can’t get much worse. Then tell him you’ll give them back when he sorts out accommodation for himself. It’s all way too cushy for him and he has nothing to strive for. Read Abigail Shriers new book

It sounds as though you're at the end of your tether. Children know the exact buttons to press when it comes to their parents. It seems as though he is pushing you away. Is there another adult he can talk to? An aunt/uncle or grandparents?

Hi its not your fault, every child is different. Is he your eldest?

Firstly I have a 23 year old and have gone through some what similar of disrespect that you are going through.

I learned the hard way too, but after advice from an experienced friend of mine who had been through this too, I learned you have to hit them where it hurts if you want to move forward and change his behaviour.

There is a way where you can turn off his access to the Internet (ask a techy friend, mu husband did this and he's not here to explain) Don't let him game all weekend at your expense. Stop buying the food for him to overeat (if you have other kids, get them a treat on the way home from school or give them money to buy some whilst out) take away all of the privileges that you provide him with.

Before all this though, sit and think about what you are going to say, you don't want to argue with him, you must keep calm and assertive. Let him know that as soon as he shows some change, when he shows some respect, well then 1 privilege will be given back 1 at a time.

It's important to keep letting him know how much you love him, how much you care and worry for his future and his health, make it clear its not him you don't like, it's his behaviour.

Good luck

You need a holiday break to recover from all the stress you are under. Invite your son if he wants to go, although i dont think he will as you both need a break apart.

Ive read all your posts but not the replies, but i have seen a couple that mention gaming. If he's pretty much addicted to gaming and playing all night then everything will revolve around it and everything else is an interuption.

Its a nasty downwards spiral and difficult to break. The mechanics of these games are so complex that a minor interruption can spoil hours of gaming and invoke a furious response.

Check with your son how much hes gaming and what games hes playing.

Whatever you do not threaten to or block internet access.

I had this with my son until the age of 26, the best thing i ever done was throw him out. Amazingly, he found a room and a job within days. He has a great life now with a good job, holidays and more importantly a social life. That was all i ever wanted for him.
Don't enable him to waste his life, make him adult.

Sometimes tough love does work...

Please read about neuro diversity, pda, the explosive child. Lost in school, Declarative language.
My 12 yr ild is the same.
Children want to learn if they can. He's not doing it because he won't, he can't!!.
You're child needs understanding.

Have him mentally committed to a 72 hold in hospital for mental problems. A 19 year old that acts like that definitely is dealing with something. They are supposed to be ready to get the f outta parents houses. He is in your care, I'd make him.get mental.help