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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I get ds to leave home?

314 replies

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 18:10

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 04/03/2024 03:04

Sorry to hear you’re going through this op.

I know a lot of people on here are saying depression, but IME, you can only offer so much help and the person also has to help themselves.

There is no excuse for him telling you to fuck off or for throwing things and I would consider the safety of the rest of the household in case he is likely to ger worse.

He needs to start acting like an adult. If he doesn’t want to finish exams, fine, don’t force him. A PP made a good point that you can’t really tell a 19 year old man to go to school. But then he needs to get a job.

I agree with the other posters about removing his internet access. Change the password daily and give it to the other kids. Explain only well-behaved people get the wifi in this house and if he wants wifi, he can either improve his behaviour or he can get a job, move out and pay for his own wifi.

Stop doing his laundry, and definitely stop taking him to rugby. I personally think it’s embarassing that a 19 year old man is getting lifts from his mum to his hobby. He needs to make his own way there. Or as a minimum he needs to pay for petrol.

I’d also stop cooking for him tbh. And literally stop paying for anything. Is his dad really giving him money for everything including rugby?

When you do these things, if he accuses you of being a shit parent:

-Tell him you love him
-Ask him if there is anything else you can do re mental health support, support looking for jobs etc
-Remind him that he is an adult and therefore he needs to be in education or get a job and it’s unacceptable for him to demand this lifestyle for free.
-Remind him that you will be expecting the same of your other DC once they reach that age
-Offer any help again re mental health finding a job.
-Also offer to help him find somewhere else to live if he is unhappy here, but obv he will need to pay for it.

MariaVT65 · 04/03/2024 03:09

Also I think you made a good point about the psychologist not speaking to you as he’s over 18. What else do people expect you to do if you’re not being given any insight to help?

sashh · 04/03/2024 03:12

He does sound depressed but he needs to engage with services.

Can you take the games / console away?

Dontcallmescarface · 04/03/2024 03:51

sashh · 04/03/2024 03:12

He does sound depressed but he needs to engage with services.

Can you take the games / console away?

I'm not sure taking those away from a tall, muscular angry young man is a good idea. It could be the tipping point from verbal abuse to physical abuse IMO.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 04/03/2024 05:16

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 18:28

@MaloneMeadow I expect you think it's ok for him to tell me to fuck off he. I ask him to hurry up because he's going to be late for the rugby match to which I am driving him? Because he might be depressed?

I'd stop driving him to matches and stop reminding him when it's time to leave. He's old enough to get himself to where he wants to be or deal with the consequences.

Justfinking · 04/03/2024 05:40

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 18:19

No, he's 19 in April.

He's repeating Year 12 for the third time.

No wonder he's depressed

Autienotnautie · 04/03/2024 05:42

It sounds like he's struggling with his mh. It's good he's started seeing the psychologist again hopefully it will help but yes it will take time.

I appreciate its hard but you need to back off him and give him some space. He can't improve just because it's convenient for you.

With regard to help around the house, I'd expect him to have a couple of jobs such as pots and couple of times a week and put the bins out. Failure to help would result in loss of money or internet. Also I'd expect him to clean the toilet after use. I wouldn't worry about his room.

Personally I wouldn't have supported a third year of starting alevels but now it's happening I'd see it through. If he fails again he needs to get a job.

I'd give him sometime to try to pick himself up and for hormones to settle. You will presumably know whether he will pass the year in the next few months so he can decide re continue or get a job. I agree a job will probably give him a sense of purpose and responsibility.

It sounds like you feel like you are blamed for his behaviour but because your other kids turned out ok it must be his fault. Maybe nobody is to blame, maybe he's just struggling. You are only a good a parent as your hardest child. He needs your support not judgement

MaloneMeadow · 04/03/2024 05:43

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 18:28

@MaloneMeadow I expect you think it's ok for him to tell me to fuck off he. I ask him to hurry up because he's going to be late for the rugby match to which I am driving him? Because he might be depressed?

Why on earth are you giving him lifts to matches and reminding him when he needs to leave? He’s almost 19, not 9!!

OP, FWIW judging by your posts you have a very confrontational and aggressive tone which in all likelihood is rubbing off on your DS. Pick your battles, be calm with him and and avoid needless fights which are only going to make things worse

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 06:22

@MaloneMeadow I only get irritated on MN by idiotic comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 06:23

@MaloneMeadow because he asked me nicely for a lift. So I said I'd give him one. More shit parenting?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 06:35

@MaloneMeadow I notice your posts have been reported and deleted by MN HQ. Perhaps you should reconsider your approach?

OP posts:
MaloneMeadow · 04/03/2024 06:41

@BlastedPimples You do realise that it’s not a competition to see how many times you can mention my name within 5 minutes? If you are using the same aggressive and relentless approach for your DS no wonder he is having issues.

No doubts that you are the one who reported my (singular) post!

GinForBreakfast · 04/03/2024 06:51

Such a difficult situation OP. Are there any older males in his sports that he looks up to that could mentor him and get him to see he needs to change?

He's not going to change his behaviour in the short term so you will either have to accept it or physically remove him from your house (you will need help and a posse), change the locks and pack up his stuff while he is out at the gym. Give him money for a hotel room and a flight to his dad's and then refuse to engage.

There definitely is a cohort of young men who "fail to launch" for whatever reason, it would be interesting to research causes and solutions.

RantyAnty · 04/03/2024 06:53

He seems to know that you're not going to kick him out or anything

Is it true that no matter how mean he is to you and dirty and messy, you are still providing him with all the comforts of home such as cooking, cleaning, lifts, money laundry, etc. for him?

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 06:54

@MaloneMeadow you're just not very good at helping, are you? Just scraping the barrel for nitpicking posts.

You aren't required on this thread because your posts are merely spiteful.

OP posts:
Jifmicroliquid · 04/03/2024 07:07

OP- you are getting very aggressive in your replies to people because you don’t like what they are saying.

What did you expect? You are having major problems with a man that you raised, you state that you are still running around after him despite how rude and obnoxious he is, yet when people point out these things to you, you get defensive and nasty.

I think a proper ultimatum is needed here. You tell him that from now on you won’t be cooking, washing or cleaning up after him. If his attitude towards you, the house and his education doesn’t change then you will be giving him notice to move out.
And you need to mean this.

Stop giving him lifts everywhere and reminding him that he has rugby matches. He is old enough to sort himself out.

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 04/03/2024 07:10

Switch off the internet.
No money, no laundry. Dont buy food for him.

The only thing you should be supplying him with is a deposit on a room share.

MaloneMeadow · 04/03/2024 07:12

Jifmicroliquid · 04/03/2024 07:07

OP- you are getting very aggressive in your replies to people because you don’t like what they are saying.

What did you expect? You are having major problems with a man that you raised, you state that you are still running around after him despite how rude and obnoxious he is, yet when people point out these things to you, you get defensive and nasty.

I think a proper ultimatum is needed here. You tell him that from now on you won’t be cooking, washing or cleaning up after him. If his attitude towards you, the house and his education doesn’t change then you will be giving him notice to move out.
And you need to mean this.

Stop giving him lifts everywhere and reminding him that he has rugby matches. He is old enough to sort himself out.

👏

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 07:14

@Jifmicroliquid only to one painter who keeps talking nonsense and is singularly unhelpful. I pity her friends and family should they come to her for any help with their own difficulties.

Meanwhile, I am getting two types of advice.

  1. Don't do anything for him at all.
  2. He's depressed. Support him more.
OP posts:
MaloneMeadow · 04/03/2024 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 07:22

Oh do go away. You have offered zero constructive help.

OP posts:
TerfTalking · 04/03/2024 07:25

I’m guessing the OP is somewhere like Switzerland or France with the international school, and her DS has certainly had a privileged life with skiing and sailing and being allowed to stay on at school when he would probably have been given his marching orders now if state educated.

Im not going to beat the OP with a stick, she has four DC and only one like this. Sounds like he’s the eldest, and I wonder if his lack of motivation is driven by being the oldest, being more aware of what and who his father is, possibly impacted by his behaviour when younger. Brought up in a world of privilege, he has no drive.

Could be ND, could be depression, could be enormous entitlement but given all offers of help and support have been refused I would start with the withdrawal of home services and finances. He needs to understand that come the summer, that’s it for financial support for food, education, utilities etc.He will be expected to pay his way. I would stop the washing now, I would take the router to bed with me, I would refuse to engage unless he was pleasant. How does he get to the gym? Buy his games and subscriptions if he is a compulsive gamer? I would withdraw all finances from my end, dad must give him a healthy allowance if he can fund the gym and his gaming addiction or do you pay for things too? It needs to stop, now.

Are you frightened of him OP?

It’s worth a try. I feel for you, we know a family whose very bright ex grammar school son is an abusive, waster, now 30 and no further forward, they’ve tried everything. He’s living them with a dog he wanted, they didn’t, in a box room and with a criminal record and no hope.

I wish you the best x

GinForBreakfast · 04/03/2024 07:31

Some posters on here need to seriously check their thinking. OP is not presenting as a sympathetic enough victim so deserves what she gets. She's asking for it.

Arses.

scoliworrier · 04/03/2024 07:37

Pick the ways you support him. Start giving him more responsibility and pride in his own abilities (this is not to say you don't already).. but tell him to get to rugby himself. That would be a good start. I assume since he's at an international school you're in a city with public transport?
Young people thrive on responsibility, and at 19 a weekend job or at least volunteering (can he coach any of his sports?) Will help bring him out of himself. My children went to a British state school, and by 16 all their friends had weekend or evening jobs in term time as well as holidays. There's a saying isn't there? If you want something done, ask a busy person! The more time they have on their hands the more you get people can drift.
Your DS is probably only too aware that he is a failure and viewed as such. Small changes can shift that.
Do not expect overnight change. This sounds like it's been been building up for a long time.
But I stand by my assumption that he is depressed.
I'd take joy and comfort in the fact he is lovely to his siblings too. That's a big win

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2024 07:41

@GinForBreakfast some posters seem to be heavily invested in this thread but only to attack. Not to assist or be constructive. It's weird behaviour.

OP posts: