How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

Is there anyway you could try a conversation with him about his depression as potentially linked to ADHD or other conditions and that you want to see if there's anything that he thinks might be a unique challenge for him?
Tell.him you think he needs support but you aren't really sure what he really struggles with.

Even if you managed to get him to do any of the self tests online, maybe it might help him start looking in the right direction?

Even if it annoys him, he will probably mention it to his therapist, who might explore it further?

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia he's at an international school abroad.

He is YOUR SON - how can these thoughts even cross your mind?? Would you rather he be homeless than leave a mess in the loo??

@Mytholmroyd my other dcs are younger.

They look up to him as he's very muscly. And he's kind to them. My dd doesn't like him though. She's two years young than him and ahead of him at school now.

@Mybusyday I'm afraid you've extrapolated there. Nowhere did I say I wanted him homeless.

It's a bit confusing where you all live. Are you in the UK with your son living with you? Where does his dad live.

He can (potentially) get the bus, he can cycle, he can walk, he can get a lift from a friend, he can problem solve on his own

My ND Dd can’t really do any of this. She’s too overwhelmed by buses, too anxious to cycle, and as she’s out of school atm doesn’t have many friends. She would be completely incapable of doing any if the things suggested.

This is why kids with EHCP’s have transport provided by LEA.

Have you approached school for help/advice?

It's easy pontificating on an anonymous thread about how a mother with a history of an abusive violent husband should parent a fully grown 'massive' adult male and make him do stuff/get help/attend school/therapy who tells her to fuck off, is aggressive and throws things.

In reality I suspect most of us would be extremely unhappy living with that in our own home. I cannot imagine the day to day stress.

Please stop the personal attacks.

OP you have already done so much. I'm sorry he is being so ungrateful and difficult. I hope it's something he grows out of but that's not much help to you now.

What's his friendship group like? We lived abroad for a while and the kids at the international school (which was private) were in a bit of a bubble - all a bit spoilt. What are job prospects like where you are for someone his age?

Does he have another relative close by, or a close adult family friend, who could intervene - teens so often just ignore their parents as they go through a stage thinking they know nothing, but maybe another relative could make him see how he might be on the prepice of screwing everything up?

This is such a lot for you to deal with alone. Does he ever feel guilty for putting you through this?

Ah okay! Was hoping perhaps he had some older brothers who could help you. Glad to hear none of his aggression is taken out on them though.

Your not a bad parent, l think your quite rightly at the very end of your tether and exhausted by it all. It's totally understandable.l have experienced first hand the horrors of school refusal. I took it very personally and was given terrible advice from the school which ended up in my son and l being at absolute war with one another. We hit rock bottom.
Using force, shame and criticism will only ever make things worse.
If you asked your son to write down honestly about how he felt about himself he is probably his very own worse critic. He knows full well he is struggling and failing.
How does he reply when asked by friends why not at school, why does he keep failing his exams? How does that make him feel?
Positive reinforcement works wonders.
"I know your struggling but l know you will find your own way"

You have to keep that faith alive, it's so hard but like anything this is just a temporary stage in his life. Sometimes you have to stop knocking on closed doors, you have to draw a line and be willing to try something new.
I am a single lone parent to two sons, no male role models, but when they were younger teens l used to listen to motivational speakers on my iPad like Les Brown, he does a wonderful speech called "Its not over until you win", also listened to T.D Jakes, Jim Rowan etc. My sons used to laugh and make sarcastic comments to begin with, but l kept on listening whilst l was doing housework etc and l'm telling you now, something switched, they heard something because now both of my sons are highly driven and really motivated. I was speaking to eldest who is 22 today about how far he's come since he left school and he mentioned these speakers names. He still listens to them now. They are a very positive tool to work with, alongside books etc. They help you see things in a different light, make you feel more hopeful when it all feels so bloody hopeless.
Good luck.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I also have an ND child and she would have been able to walk and cycle although the bus would have been problematic.

If you have met one ND kid you've met one ND kid.

I am offering advice to the OP. If she feels rugby is important to her son and he can't get there any other way then she is at complete liberty to ignore my advice.

As she is anyway, of course.

I think he's had way too much of his own way for far to long and you have let him have it for so long he`s now an adult man that still thinks he can get away with it.
Tell him he,s adult now buck your ideas up or get the fuck out.
Sometimes you have to be crawl to be kind.

@DaniO2 Yes, I guess we are in a bit of a bubble.

I don't expect gratitude from him one bit. I only want some courtesy and some contribution to the household chores. School attendance is too much to ask right now, it seems.

So he had a good circle of friends but they've all left now to go to university. So he's either with the men in his rugby team - all in their 20s - or sixteen / seventeen year olds in his year group. Except he doesn't really see them becaues he doesn't go to school.

Are there any other male relatives or friends that he perhaps looks up to? Anyone who could talk to him?

@TeenLifeMum Yes, I have had many meetings at school about his attendance and behaviour.

He, as always, is utterly charming and highly regarded at school. He's very bright and a really nice bloke to everyone in public. In the meetings - which he would always attend sensing it was a big deal - he would say he would definitely improve his attendance, he knows he needs to attend to be enrolled into the exams etc. But it was all lip service.

That sounds like depression to me.

You are asking for help on how to get your DS to leave home and stating that you want him out. Where do you want him to go??

@OutOfTheHouse yes, my brothers and my ex bil have all chatted with him about it all and he says, yes yes, he will attend school. pull his weight at home etc. But he doesn't.

My brothers and ex bil - all caring, kind men that he trusts - have all privately said to me he should leave school for now and get a job and find his way slowly that way.

You cant really tell a 19 year old man to go to school can you.

I work at a university and one of my students was a big rugby fan/player - one of the reasons he chose the university but he was falling behind in his studies and regularly not attending compulsory classes and missing assessment deadlines.

The pastoral tutor brought the rugby coach in on the conversation and he had a word with the student - even warned him he could be dropped from the team. It worked.

Rugby is a game of rules and respect - I assume he accepts it when playing? So you watch him play? Could you speak to his coaches to see if they can help him with his self worth and motivation and his treatment of you? I know this is a generalisation but I have a lot of rugby players in my family and they all have family loyalty and respect for their mums. I wonder if his behaviour is linked to his father leaving/the divorce/feeling he contributed - was the divorce around the time he was 14?

I know it is difficult when he is an adult and his therapist won't speak to you.

I feel a bit better reading you have supportive brothers and a bil OP. Maybe you need a family conference to come up with an action plan that he has to agree to - could they take him for a year to get him out of the rut he seems to have got himself into?

Undiagnosed adhd