How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

You describe a lot of things that are the same with my son .. especially the early years you described in a reply .
My son has autism,gets angry very quickly.was also said to Be very bright ,and knew which meetings to attend and always came across as charming and chatty,good at putting an act on around everyone except home .
But at 19 your D's has to go for the assessment himself,it's not anything you can do for him.
Mine has a lot of qualifications,that I very much doubt he can use to work.
He doesn't meet the criteria of assisted living,which I feel he needs ,but his social worker doesn't..so it's a matter of getting him on the council waiting list ,and getting him a flat ... according to his social worker....coz it's that easy to get a flat ...
I know young people are living at home longer ,these days ,I've 4 adults living with me ,all in their 20s..but various levels of ASD ADHD..so I try not to push to much

Personally I would threaten to sell all his stuff on the internet. Anytime he leaves the house I would go in there and remove anything of worth and say it has been sold. Like his PlayStation or whatever they call them these days. Hide them at a friend's home and tell him if he doesn't sit down with everyone else in the family to eat, he will get nothing to eat. Clear out your fridge and cupboards and put food in friend's homes and hide any credit cards so he cannot call a pizza. Cut off his mobile phone and make sure he cannot use anyone else's phone. Make him sit down and listen to you. Make him wash properly and clean his room and if he has problems tell him when you are there to listen to him. If he doesn't wash tell him he has to get out. You can tell him that he needs to leave your home if he doesn't respond. Ask him does he like his life the way it is now? If not, he can talk to you, and if/when he does, really listen. Try to work with doctors and teachers to find out his problems. If this doesn't work. Get his keys and tell him to get out. If he gets violent or will not go, tell him he's not a child anymore. You can call the police to remove him if he won't go. But give him the opportunity to talk to you first.

I am really shocked by the lack of empathy shown here. Sorry, OP.

FWIW, I have a Yorkshire mixture of mental health issues and neurodivergence in my household. Do they all struggle? Yes. Does that struggle translate to disrespecting me by telling me to fuck off and point blank refusing to contribute in any way? No.

Depression is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. I say this as someone who has been diagnosed with chronic depression since she was 16.

OP, I would give him one warning. I would make sure he knows that this warning is definitive and that you will not be pushed over, so it would not be wise to call your bluff.

And then if he does, you wait until he goes to the gym to get him out. Pack up a bag of essentials for him, print out a letter advising you've kicked him out, change the locks, and meet him on the doorstep with the letter, his bag, and an instruction that he's to go to the homeless section at the council. I don't say this lightly. I was kicked out routinely from being 13 and landed in the homeless section myself at 16 for far, far less. I understand the consequences of this action.

But I believe his abuse will escalate if allowed to go unchecked because I suspect he already knows he's too big for you to do anything about it. What you've described here isn't strictly depression. It's bullying behaviour he knows he can dish out because you'll be scared of his size. That is unacceptable. He is now an adult and there is no reason you should continue to allow this behaviour in your home.

There is no reason you can't tell him you love him, will support him, will be there for him whilst he's on the doorstep and leaving. But you can absolutely do those things from a distance.

I feel sorry for the mother here. Alot.
I have seen this type of behaviour before.
It is based on his circle of friends
He needs motivation.
As a teenage of that age it is very easy to see those supporting you as "nagging and annoying"
There is very little respect for parents anymore.
I feel that you need counselling together as this is impacting you heavily.
Please look after yourself.
For everyone who is having digs at the mum, she is trying her best.
Btw maybe he would suit an apprenticeship instead of alevels or to find a job.

There are some kids you can do nothing with. He is an adult, and a bully if he speaks to his mother like that. He is bound to be having a detrimental affect on his siblings. If it's any consolation he will go one of two ways when you do get him out. Either he will become homeless or he will have to make an effort to meet his own needs. He may have to work if he wants to eat massive amounts.

I don’t think you are a bad parent at all OP. It’s a very sad situation for you both.

Is it possible he’s addicted to gaming because it’s a solace to him, masking his very real problem of having to deal with adult decisions ?
Is it possible he doesn’t engage with his studies because he’s actually very clever…maybe even gifted and yet doesn’t want to grow up and have to make those same adult decisions ?

Living an international life doesn’t always come with a guaranteed positive outcome for youngsters, in that life can be too easy for them. It’s a bubble kind of privileged life very often, where everything is provided and the cost of stuff doesn’t enter into their thinking. Maybe that’s not the case for your family but did he ever hear words like …….no you can’t go on that ski trip because we simply can’t afford it. ?

When he asks you …”how exactly are you going to make me do that, “ whether it be getting a job or cleaning his own bathroom, maybe he relies on the fact that you or his dad will always provide, and always pick up after him because he knows you love him. Maybe he is actually deeply ashamed of himself and goes back to gaming to distract himself from those terrible thoughts.

I can fully understand your desperation at wanting to help him now …to stop the lack of respect and bad language and dirty habits before they spiral down any further. It could well be a form of depression where he just can’t face adulthood and how to go from being in high school to setting his own course and providing for himself. It’s all too big a jump now for him to self motivate so he takes the easy very defensive way out, hurting those who love him.

I have no advice other than what has been offered already, but I can easily see how this situation can develop. I would gradually make him aware (without any big dramas if possible) that privileges such as wifi, clean laundry and 8 eggs a day come only with good manners (which after all, you know he is perfectly capable of) and aren’t to be expected without them. Drip feed that thought into his psyche whenever you can. But always be ready for an honest (not just lip service) heart to heart if he prefers.

No doubt he now gets an allowance rather than pocket money. I would keep it going for now but gradually make him aware it’s dependent on good manners and he loses a month next time he uses bad language against you or others in the household.

I would forget about his studies … just refuse to pay to enrol him in any more education.
In order to avoid him becoming reclusive which I’ve seen happen before in kids who shut themselves off because they just can’t take the next step, I would keep encouraging the gym, the rugby, the sailing and anything else so that he always stays connected to society.
Maybe it will be his peers in the rugby club who eventually get through to him and offer him a lifeline into the adult world. An easy job for just one day a week helping out might help him start back onto the right path.
Good luck OP.

You do realise that even kids who are a risk to themselves can’t get help at the minute? No doctor is going to section a 19 year old because ‘mummy said so’

Yes, as if. I did look for help for my son along the way but because he wasn't self-harming wasn't depressed, one potential source of help was closed to us. Another source of help was apparently not suited to him because he is in now way cognitively impaired. He does have a dx but can be quite charming when he wants something, like saying "you can't put a price on your child's happiness!" before he asked for something.

When The Problem is gaming, it seems uncertain whether saying no to pizza with friends, the gym, field trips et cetera is a good idea or not. You want them out of the house enjoying life with peers who might be a good influence, not raging, resentful and gaming at home.

Anyway. There's a gap in the help that's available ime. Not much help for boys who are sort of mildly on the spectrum but cognitively FINE. Apologies is this language offends anybody but social worker basically confirmed this to me.

To be honest your post and subsequent posts come across as very angry and aggressive, you are clearly at the end of your tether. The trouble is, fighting fire with fire is going to get you no where. The harder you push, the further he is going to dig his heels in. I have a younger brother and he was very much like this during his teens. He was horrible, angry, lazy and so on. I can tell you now, he has hit his late 20's and you'd think he was a different man. He has moved out and is a responsible adult, he has expressed that he was deeply depressed and hurting.
Have you got a relationship with your son? How long has he been this way? Did he finish his GCSEs? Do you think A'levels are really for him? Would you want to go to college when all the kids are two and three years younger than you are?
I think you need to tackle this from a different angle. What you've tried so far hasn't worked. It sounds like he has lost all respect for himself and those around him. Has he got any friends? Has he got other family members? Who shows him love? Is he lost and angry, hurt and alone. If all he's going to get is anger and hatred towards him then what is the incentive for him to change?

Make life less comfortable for him. Only cook enough for yourself. Don't buy any special treats he likes. Don't keep excess food in the house. Make it so he has to get up and get out and fend for himself.

@Goldengirl32 I have a good relationship with my son. I tell him I love him most days and he has wider family members who all care about him.

Obviously he annoys me with with his slovenly ways and the fact he doesn't attend school troubles me a lot. And whatever else is going on in his head that means he sleeps a lot.

He has friends. He has a small social life but he's not into pubs and clubs really. Plus at university, whilst the majority are aged 18-21, there are also many other students of an older age. This is the very least of our worries at the moment though.

He is or rather was vet academic until aged 14. Smashed his 11+ and was attending a great school before we went abroad where he was enrolled in another great school.

I don't think you can read someone's frustration and despair on MN posts as indicative of the whole of RL relationships.

I was very low on Sunday when I started the thread and there were some halfwits who clearly enjoyed putting the boot in more, showing zero support and giving zero constructive advice.

As for coming across as aggressive on MN towards those goons, oh well. Never mind. I have received so many super helpful and insightful posts on this thread for which I am very appreciative.

@Goldengirl32 why would you think all he gets is anger and hatred towards him? This is a totally unfounded assumption.

Do you buy the eggs and the protein shakes? Stop buying those things. And stop cooking dinner for him.

The anger issues , along with being a gym bro makes me wonder if he isn't using steroids. When did the anger issues start? Did his gym habits change around that time?