How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

@DisappearingGirl apparently his behaviour is acceptable and I am selfish and a shit parent for finding it unacceptable.

The lack of intelligence from some posters is astounding.

To be fair OP, but her responses you’ve given this post I can see why your DS acts like he does. It seems a bit ‘like mother like son’ to me with the attitude.

You seem to be more concerned about the ‘skid marks’ than you do his mental health though.

OP I can't see any responses to people who have suggested turning the WiFi off, changing the password, removing the router etc. Have you tried this? Who is paying for his gym membership?

Bloody hell you need to calm down. You’re coming across as very aggressive.

How do you do this: Give him an eviction notice. He is an adult - he needs to be responsible for himself.

Child benefit ends age 20 if in full time non advanced education.

I would siting him down for a conversation and point out that he is an adult and expects to be allowed the freedom to be one…If that is the case then he needs to show enough maturity and determination to help himself.
Remind him that realistically, he’s not going to pass yr 12 because he simply hasn’t been. His reasons for not going have worn thin as he is not helping himself by having a normal sleep schedule, healthy diet and seeing the GP if his depression is getting in the way.
I would give him two week’s notice to show that he is making healthy changes to help himself, and if there is no genuine effort after that, give him one month’s notice to vacate your home.

I am also quite surprised they are allowing him to enrol on A Levels for a third time, is that at the same school/college? Is it the same courses? It may be his last chance as there may not be funding any more for him. I’m not sure how it works nowadays… have you talked to his tutor?

Absolutely no one here has told you his behaviour is acceptable. We’re just saying your response to his behaviour is less than adequate. Posting to mumsnet on how to get rid of him. Thinking that getting him a psychologist is your half done and therefore you have done everything you can and can now give up on him.
Being more enraged about poo marks in the toilet than the fact he’s only attended 6 days of school this year.

How about, instead of “oh but he brought his own tech so I can’t possibly take that away wah wah” you go into his room, take the bloody console, since it’s under your roof that you let him live under. Tell him to get up, meet you downstairs where you can set some boundaries, ask him what kind of help he needs for his depression, then instead of reeling off a list of things you want him to start doing.. start with one thing. Work on it.

If he doesn’t want to or he can’t manage it, tell him you will go with him to the council to get him on the list for his own place and that if he can’t respect your house rules then he can’t live under your roof. You won’t abandon him, but he needs to decide if he wants to live with you and respect the house, or move in with his dad or his own council place.

rather than bitching to mumsnet about how much you hate your son.

Let’s all back off a bit hey. Mumsnet is the place OP chose to get things off her chest. I’m sure she’s not saying what she’s typing here to her son. It’s meant to be a safe venting space. It’s hard saying how you really feel to people in your life sometimes and that’s where internet strangers come in handy.

@HeadsShouldersTitsandArse

You're missing the point entirely.

Where did I say "hate"?

Of course I am pissed off he doesn't go to school but that's part of his depression. Or isn't it?

Do you know how many meetings at school I have been to?

Do you know how many reasonable chats I have had with him?

Do you know how many times I have tried to lay down the rules with him?

Have you ever had someone just tell you to fuck off or ignore you?

I find it amusing that you actually think yo I tell him to do me thing at a time that he will do it.

It that if I go to the council to get him a place of his own he will actually leave.

You have no idea because you have never encountered anyone who will actively not do what you ask them to do. Refuses to.

Because you have zero experience of it.

And I have talked to him many time about what he needs.

He has refueled help until he agreed to visit a psychologist. He started in Jan 2023 for six sessions then refused to go again until Feb 2024.

Refuses to engage.

Top tips though @HeadsShouldersTitsandArse

Refused help.

My brother was like this 20 odd years ago. School refusal from around 14. Never finished school. Lay around doing nothing. My poor mum. He was not violent or rude. But just did nothing. It was undoubtedly depression, but knowing that didn’t help the real situation she was in.
I have no answers only sympathy. It was a distressing time for her and for all of us. It caused deep rifts between siblings.
Ours didn’t have a happy ending. My mum passed before he improved. In fact it was probably only that that made him do anything. He is still depressed, but now lives with his wife. Does more than his share in his relationship and cares for his children well.

I am certain that if my ds could accept school isn't right for him right now and that getting a job of some sort, earning some money, with a sense of future and independence coupled with the psychological help he is getting, he would make great strides.

And could always return to education later.

His behaviour isn't acceptable.

The difficulty you face is how to change it.

It's hard to change behaviour like this.

What might help you, and certainly helped me, was stopping doing things for him.
I was as much less resentful.

So I billed it to my kids as "I'm teaching you life skills".

I made a video and instructions of how to use the washing machine. Laminated and stuck by the machine. Bought him ikea bags and an airer.

Showed him a few times how to use it, then stopped doing his laundry.

Lo and behold I am less resentful and he has only himself to moan at if he doesn't have clean clothes.

I noticed much further upthread one poster mentioned re drugs

Gym/Body Building /Excessive eating
Temper and aggression.
Could he be taking steroids ?

I have no idea how you'd get him to admit or deny and he probably wouldn't consent to a blood test .

Also this. If you are the administrator you can and probably should do this.

I have a relative like this.

Only he's 34 now and been at it for 15 years. It's worsened massively in the last 18 months. He's been violent towards his parents. I think he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. My completely uneducated observation is that he has pathological demand avoidance. It's amazing what discomforts he would live with in order to avoid doing anything.

What I don't think you or any PPs have suggested is that he goes and gets a job. Any job. Putting screws in boxes. Stacking shelves. Pushing trolleys, whatever. Something that tired him physically and mentally, where he has to comply with someone else's rules, and builds different relationships.

I think that a massive part in this situation was that the parents always thought their DS was above those kinds of jobs. I wonder if you and your DS think this too... a third attempt at A levels is unusual, you mention skiing, sailing and rugby, all quite MC where we are.

My ultimatum to him would therefore be this:

1. By Easter, he's either fully engaged with school OR he leaves

1. If he leaves school, then within 2 weeks, he must be doing a job where he works 30+ hours per week. Any proper job will do.

If neither of these happen you will then give him 2 weeks' notice to leave home.

Whilst he's at home there will be no WiFi at all, he must keep regular hours (I.e. hours of 11pm-5am are for sleep only), he must contribute x hours of chores per week, any communal areas that he uses must be kept in reasonable condition. He must comply with his meds/therapy etc. Say you'll give him one serious warning if this doesn't happen. If it continues, he'll then go straight to 2 weeks notice.

That's it. What you want is for him to be polite, self-sufficient, and independent. Forget about his education now. If he sorts himself out he can come back to his later... apprenticeship or whatever.

Take the pressure off his education for now. But make it clear you won't support him to bump along. Because before you know it he'll be 30 and you'll both have had a very miserable 10 years.

@Octavia64 thank you.

This is almost certainly ND behaviour. Refusal of demands/overwhelm/anxiety.

l have an ND Dd. I think your ds has undiagnosed ND. This is what is behind his school issues/gaming issues etc.

Sounds really tough, I’m not surprised you’re at your wits end. I hope things improve for you.