How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

Def ND somewhere
3 years of funding for 16-19 education so OP over estimating somewhere
I'd make his deadline 28th June as his educational funding will have ended then.
Years of poor parenting and boundaries will not have helped DS, not blaming OP some parents can't hack the hard stuff and tough boundary setting

Then make him leave

The shock of emergency accom will be horrendous for him but make be the wake up needed

Oof. Some rough responses.You have to state that YOU can't continue, not that HE mustn't do x, y or z. It has to be `I need things to be like a,b,c'. You're not telling him what to do, you're telling him how things must go in your home. If he lives alone or shares with others then THEIR rules apply. You are not judging him or his (by now adult) behaviour, you are setting boundaries for your house/family etc. If he lives under different rules that's fine, just not for you.

I agree with this. He doesn't give his own mother basic respect and decency so he doesn't get the privelige of electricity to play his games. He doesn't get his laundry done or his meals made.

OP, I really feel for you.

Absolutely lay it on the line that you won't be giving him lifts or help or electricity or wifi until he starts

Cleaning after himself

Showing common courtesy

Studying for his A-levels

Showering and grooming

This is very basic stuff and he is a grown adult.

Tell him you love him but he doesn't get to treat you badly. If he doesn't like living with you, he can move out, but until then, he does these basic things as normal, ongoing, or he finds his cushty life is gone.

My friend did something similar. She established basic things she would be happy to do e.g. wash clothing and bedding put in the linen basket, cook one meal for serving at a set time, do a normal family shop and things she would not e.g. go into messy bedroom to find clothes and take off bedding, cook alternative meals or re-serve it at other times, buy extras for special diets, etc.

She felt the effects for her and her family were very positive.

@MaloneMeadow names? What names?

And he sees a psychologist. Should I get him committed too?

Actually @BlastedPimples I agree with the above poster and I’d look at it more carefully.

Maybe he isn’t ND but checking would be a really good idea. Many teens mask very well until they can’t. Often when they start secondary. Sometimes later when they go to Uni.

OP are you scared of your son? You mention a few times his height/weight etc. if you are living in any sort of fear, especially after your previous partner being violent, then you absolutely can’t continue living like this (as I’m sure you don’t want to).

Does anyone know of any charities / support that help in this sort of situation?

Why does he get to game so much? It should be zero gaming, he doesn't deserve it.

What a horrible post! You have poor reading comprehension.

She has tried EVERYTHING. He is rude, nasty, verbally abusive and lazy to her. He is a grown adult now, you can't force an adult male to do anything they don't want to.

He wants to game all day and go to the gym. He is ruining OPs life. Find something helpful to suggest ffs

I'm sorry some people are giving you a hard time. It's not due to shit parenting. Shit parents don't ask for help.

You sound like you are just drained and all out of ideas having tried engaging with the school, having tried letting him just get a job,having tried GP & counselling. It sounds like you have tried soft love and tough love. Ignore anyone who criticises. It sounds really difficult.

I think you need to consider giving him options:

For the next 3 months he either has to:

1. Fully address his depression (if that's what he has) - regular counselling, less game time, more exercise

2. See his GP to see if there's any further issues which may be contributing to his struggle yo find his way in life

3. Re-engage with education with an 80% attendance rate minimium

4. Get a full time job

Failure to do them and he will have to move out.

You also need support. Can you seek professional help? I'm not in the UK but am sure posters can suggest resources. You need counselling and support in dealing with this? Are there any support groups fir difficult teens etc?

I wouldn't bother with the arguments over washing or language as they are only symptoms of a better problem. Focus on the bigger problem.

Is there ever a good time to reach him where he actually listens to you? Does he have any other relative he listens to or anyone in his life that he respects in life enough to have that "what do you want from life?" discussion with - former teacher? Sports coach? Uncle?

It sounds like more than just laziness.

She has tried to get him help. Depression can be dealt with and overcome.. but the person has to get help.
i would stop paying for electricity for gaming, stop doing laundry and cooking. I would tell him to get serious help - including medication for depression - and that he needs to do his exams, or he’s out. This can’t go on

Op is desperate here! She’s tried everything but she cannot physically make her son engage! It’s a very difficult situation and there is no point blaming her!

at this point I don’t think you alone can sort the situation, he is too old, seems to be addicted to gaming. He needs to go to a boot camp! Join the army! Or go somewhere where they are really strict on discipline.

Can I just ask, to everyone who says ‘make him move out’, how does one actually force someone to move out? Change the locks while he’s at the gym and leave his bags out the front? Whilst legal, wouldn’t it permanently damage their relationship?

Ahhh.. a boot camp and the army - that well known cure to neurodiversity!

OP, this must be really difficult but he sounds quite similar to a lot of teenage lads. Pretty sure it would piss me off too. Most of the teenage lads I know who went through this stroppy stage, agressive tone, no motivation, no job, but they did come out of it the other side.

Bit of an intrusive question, but when was the last itme you told him you loved him or gave him a hug or said you were proud of him? If he's a good/ skier/sailor there's something to be proud of there, surely?

And this will probably be taken the wrong way (as in a barb which I don't mean too and tone can be very hard to interpret on the internet), but your posts are a bit angry/defensive on here, maybe you talk that way in real life and he's reflecting that back on to you? Maybe you're similar in a way that causes you to clash.

The only real way you can get rid of him will be via the police if he won't listen to you. I hope it doesn't come to that, and in time, you find your way back to having a loving relationship again.

But I totally understand he's acting like a ratbag and a spoiled sod, and don't blame you for reaching the end of your tether.

I suspect his dad's absence may be at the heart at a lot of it. Does he have contact?

Sounds like a shit situation (literally and figuratively). It really sounds like he is stuck in a massive rut and so far has managed to resist having to do anything. Until he gets out of that rut he’s in just a cycle of being idle.
I would start off by telling him that living there comes with a cost. So he gets a job to pay or you start taking his possessions. He has a month to raise £250 a month rent (or whatever figure you choose) and if he doesn’t give that to you then you’re taking his Xbox.
Stop cooking his meals, buying the food he likes, giving him lifts, until the rent comes in. No toiletries, no nothing. He’s an adult. If he asks for anything, it’s a no unless he’s paid his rent and cleaned up after himself like a normal human.
I think as soon as he starts working and earning things will change.

Sounds a bit like demand avoidance. www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance#What%20is%20demand%20avoidance? I only say that as ive looked at various things over the years in relation to my DS1.
I dont believe its shit parenting. Of course some folk are shit parents, but most of us are just doing the best we can. I have two boys. Chalk and cheese since day one. One is hard work and doesnt seem to like existing all that much and the other is easy going and wants to live life fully. With my eldest I have to tread carefully. I love him very much but worry about him all of the time and im fearful for his future. I dont have any advice im afraid. But i can empathise somewhat.

Op that sounds incredibly frustrating and tbh I think you're feeling really stuck with him because he in himself is feeling really stuck but is unable to verbalise it. So instead you're getting aggression and presenting like he doesn't care. He's self sabotaging because then if he fails he knows why and he's in control of it.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work and honestly, I think there's probably something there for your son that he's struggling with things that maybe happened in the past, or just what having a dad like that means for who he's going to grow up to be as a man. These are really deep, hard things for any young man to talk about and even though you've clearly been working hard to try and get him support, he might not be ready or know how to use the support properly. Because that means opening up and being honest which is scary.

Truthfully, I don't see your son ending up anywhere but in a men's hostel if you do kick him out because there's just not enough accommodation at the moment. There are a few charities for young people who offer supported accommodation you could link in with but again places are limited. They might be able to offer floating support and family mediation to try and help him sustain living with you and take responsibility for that? I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that he's over 18 now and you want to agree a contract for living together. I'd say you understand that right now it doesn't make financial sense for him to go elsewhere but he needs to then start taking a more grown up approach to living with you because you're both adults now.

I'd try to get a reasonable compromise, he keeps his room tidy and takes on certain household chores and you do the rest. I wouldn't be doing his washing, ironing etc any more. I probably would still cook for him if it suits but only because its easier to cook in bulk isn't it than for one. If he's not home for mealtimes then he let's you know and he sorts himself out though.

I'd start asking him for keep... it needs to come out of his pocket money if he won't get a job but it might encourage him to. You might not pay for his x box etc but you presumably pay for the WiFi so I'd be telling him that unless he's in work or school every day he should be then the WiFi password will be changed and he won't be able to access it. Do try and compromise and encourage him to add to the contract.

Then I think you should try to agree fair consequences, what does he think should happen if you both don't follow through? I'd also try to add in doing something fun together and take it in turns to pick an activity so it's not all heavy.

I know all this is easier said than done op. Please prioritise your self care because that's a lot to deal with in your own home.

.

How do you make him leave? Wat until he goes out then change the locks. First though, I'd have one last try at getting him to set up life a little bit first.

He's on his 3rd try for a AS level and it isn't working. He's depressed enough to be seeing a psychologist (not easy help to get on the NHS). He's refusing medication, which is his right to choose that. I think it's time to admit his current life isn't working for him. He's too ill to be in education or work. He's 19 now, no legal requirements to be in education. He needs to claim universal credit.

Once he has a universal credit claim going, adding in housing benefit will be much easier than starting the whole lot from scratch whilst homeless. That's why I'd try to see him get the money first. After that give him a deadline for finding another place to live, if you really want him out. It'll be a shared place, that's all he'll be able to afford even with housing benefit, so he'll have to accept that. He's not going to be able to get anywhere without money and trying to navigate the benefits system whilst living on the streets is going to be incredibly difficult for him.

So try to give him another year to claim benefits and find a room to rent. He sounds annoying, a financial burden and possibly a piss taker, but he's still your son and if he's not aggressive or abusive I think he at least deserves the year to get his new life set up before being kicked out.

I think traits of PDA too. Definitely ND.

Im not sure kicking him out will do anything. Just make him vulnurable.

If you’ve got the money l’d get a private screening for ADHD/ASD. Then you know what you’re dealing with.

So when he was young, we took him to the GP about his rage and refusal to cooperate over the slightest thing. I thought he ticked all the boxes for ODD or something.

The GP dismissed us over and over because he was fine at school. He excelled academically until he was 14.

Anyway, by the time he was 10, he hadn't improved so we found a child therapist for him. It cost us a lot but we had to find out what the problem was.M.

After 18 months, she said there is nothing wrong with him. He's "very intelligent and sensitive." Yet his behaviour was still the same at home.

Back to the GP again who eventually agreed to refer him to CAMHS. He had the six sessions at CAMHS who said again there is no issue with him.

Current psychologist won't divulge anything to me because he's 18 and it's a confidential relationship. Unless of course he threatens to harm himself or someone else.

So there we are. Gone from pillar to post. Not one MH intervention has been deemed necessary.

So those of you claiming I have done nothing, please give it up.

Meanwhile, he refuses to consider any other help. Anything at all.

And yes, he has said, "And how exactly are you going to make me?" when I suggest he goes and lives with his father or gets a job.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I think we are going to have to do that private screening.

Although I know he will refuse to do it.