How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

Absolutely this.
All you people ready to attack OP- you're not reading this right.
She's done everything she can. He's an adult now and is behaving like a 6ft verbally violent toddler. Might not be long before verbal becomes physical.
Tell him to go. When he won't, call the Police. It's your home. You have a right to feel and be safe OP.
Not everything can be fixed, unfortunately.

Gosh well if his dad will have him, send him off!

If he fails this academic year, I would tell him he must go and live with his father. It sounds to me like you are going to be in danger of physical abuse if you try to roll back from being used. I certainly would not be cooking him meals either. He's just treating you like a doormat OP.

I think there’s some things you could do, regardless of whether he is depressed or not, but there are some things that you just need to let go. For example his lack of doing college work you just need to let go really, it’s his life, if he wants to spend his time failing the same course every year then that’s his choice, he’s not a child you can’t force him to study or try. But what you can do is lay down rules for what you’ll allow in your house around that, my BIL was sort of the same and although they couldn’t force him to study they did do the “okay, you’re 18 now, if you want to mess around at college that’s fine but we aren’t going to fund it so you’ll also get a job, and pay us £X board a month, fund yourself”. You could do that, if he wants to mess around that’s fine but he is an adult now so he will pay you £x or he will have to find somewhere else to live. You’re allowed to have rules for the adults who live in the home and you’re allowed to set consequences when those rules aren’t followed, keeping room clean, do own washing, cook x nights a week, whatever rules you set, it needs to be the case that if he is going to continue living at home then he follows those standards, if he doesn’t then he needs to find somewhere else to live. I don’t mean this as a criticism of you but just something to think about, you need to decide whether you want him to grow up or not. I don’t understand why you’re dropping him off at rugby, or reminding him to be on time for it? He’s 19, he’s an adult, he can get himself to rugby and if he’s running late then he’s running late and he’ll miss it. Stop reminding him, stop babying him. You need a proper sit down chat and set out your expectations and what the consequences will be, and then stick to it. I work with quite a few young adults who have come from similar situations and often having to stand on their own two feet is the making of them! X

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

He is an individual, some children require much more support or attention or different parenting to others, even in the same family and being in a large family can make it very difficult to tailor your style to each childs needs. I am one of five and one of my siblings needed more than my parents could give them as they simply didnt have the time or time to develop their parenting - so they were collateral damage. They did eventually develop into capable independent adults, but we all knew our parents had let her down.

Where what ages are your other children and where does he fit in? oldest/youngest/middle?

Maybe moving to live with his dad would be a positive move for him, you, and his siblings (especially if younger) as you have given up on him now.

When did his challenging behaviour start? Do you think he could have add or be somewhere on the autistic spectrum?
He also sounds like an addict if he's gaming a lot of the time.

I can't believe that he is happy and obviously neither are you. It sounds like a horrendous situation.

So either he is incapable of change in which case you are in for a miserable life of supporting him or, you are enabling him to continue living in such an antisocial and unproductive way. Assuming he isn't neurodivergent I would be tempted to give him an ultimatum (and follow through with it). If he can't treat you with respect then he needs to move out.

If you can, get some counselling for yourself. And if you can - try and detach emotionally as much as possible.

It does actually sound like depression.
lack of self care
low motivation
sleeping a lot
irritability
pushing people away.

In which case you are completely a shit parent, not because of the parenting youve done, as like you said you have two others who aren’t like him.. but because you have not bothered to even sound the slightest bit concerned that he has literally told you he has depression, you just think he’s a rude, lazy little shit and want him gone.

I’m sure you’ll be feeling tip top if it gets too much for him and he really does ‘go’.

Sort it out OP. Get him the help he needs and stop being selfish.

I feel your pain. I've been through a very similar experience. It wasn't my shit parenting. My son capitalised on his height/strength to intimidate me. Everything you mention, gym obsessed, voraciously hungry, disgusting toilet, his room like a filthy sty, cooking at 2am, sleeping til 2pm, sometimes later, not going to school.

"Parenting" wasn't going to penetrate his forcefield.

I sent a pm as I can't deal with the "you're a shit parent" bs

I'd get a caravan for him on the driveway and a pay as you go electricity and heating meter. Change the house locks. Let him fend for himself

I’m genuinely horrified by the amount of threads on this forum from desperate mothers about their teenage or early twenties lads behaving like arrogant, rude, entitled and lazy pigs.
What on earth is happening?? Is this why we have so many vile, women hating men knocking around??

We have a lot of young men in our family, and despite setbacks along the way and disorders such as depression and anxiety relating to divorced parents etc, these lads have grown up to become well rounded, respectful men who are holding down good jobs and in stable relationships.
Whats going wrong? Is it poor parenting or is it genuinely the influence of things like gaming (of which none of the lads in our family got that into)?

I understand some people might disagree with what I’ve written, but I’m genuinely wondering why or how it goes so wrong with so many.

I sent a pm as I can't deal with the "you're a shit parent" bs agreed @ChanelNo19EDT (my favourite EDT too!)

Posters saying that are out of order. Talk about judgemental. I would never tell a mother at her wits end that she is a 'shit' parent. The arrogance. I am shocked.

@HeadsShouldersTitsandArse erm have you actually read the thread? Suspect you haven't but fancied getting the boot in anyway.

I have taken him to GP, I have arranged psychologist for him. He finally goes every week. After refusing for months.

What I despair at the filth and the abuse. I'm sorry but leaving shitty toilets, refusing to even put your plate in a dishwasher or wonder why school is wanting a meeting after six days per term attendance or telling me to fuck off is not acceptable even in depression.

Im worried he may lash out at you physically and/ or damage the property. Some men have no issue with beating up their mothers as they know it's unlikely they'd go to the police. But would not want to be known as a dv perp

And ag yes. How very selfish I am for feeling despair and overwhelmed by all that. What a selfish hag.

That was one of my plans. My other plan was to pay his rent somewhere for a yearvand make it clear that he's on his own now. Luckily he's with a male relative now.

There is just a limit to the amount of swearing, shouting, mess, hostility, disdain, greed, intimidation, entitlement and laziness that we "shit parents" can endure.

Just pack him off to his dad, where do you live at the moment, dad can come and collect him, school won't keep trying to educate him, he is an adult now.

👏

@MaloneMeadow I have taken him to psychologist. Duh.

But telling me to fuck off is acceptable to you, is it?

@Jifmicroliquid I will try not to be annoyed by your question because I think you believe you know the answer.

When my son was small, he reacted so explosively to "no" or a request to do a chore that I researched methods of low demand parenting. These strategies worked until he got older and I was working full time. I'm a single parent but many married mothers also need to work full time. I focused on keeping the relationship intact so I didn't shout /punish him. THAT NEVER WORKED ANYWAY.
my son was gaming obsessively and I was at work. I seriously considered cutting the Internet but my other child needs the Internet. Maybe I should have insisted. It's hard to discipline a child who scares you with his explosive rage at being disciplined.

I'm happy for you that you can believe that the reason is bad parenting.

OP I wonder what would happen if you just ‘let him live his life’. As many have already suggested, do nothing. No cleaning of room, bathroom (unless you have to share with him), no lifts, no cooking.

How significant is the money from his dad? Once you do nothing for him I’m sure he’ll start looking at options for moving out? Maybe with mates or overseas with his dad. What would be the point of staying with you if you do nothing.

What an awful situation to be in. I really feel for you. Best of luck x

I'd send him to his dads. As you've said dad will take him. He will either stay with his dad, or he will hate it and want to come back home and then you can lay ground rules. But it gives you a break from the stress of him for a bit.

He refuses to go to his dad's. Doesn't much like his dad.

Sorry about your situation, I would probably stop doing anything for him or paying for the gym etc, make him clean the toilet and respect you if he wants to live in your house. Does he have any friends you know could be a good influence or any positive male role models in the family or someone he would listen to that you could get on your side? Do your other children live at home too and can they support you in thiis?

It sounds very very difficult.

It could absolutely be that depression or neurodivergence are involved ... but in a way, does this matter? It's still not acceptable to behave how OP's son is behaving. And you simply can't help someone unless they want to help themselves.

I don't know what the answer is but I do have a lot of sympathy. It sounds like it would be better if he moved out but that's not easy to achieve either.

@ChanelNo19EDT your post is interesting.

Ds also would go absolutely bonkers from the age of 3 onwards when I asked him to do anything like get his coat to go out. He would do this for years. Refuse to get dressed for school. Go crazy and chuck his booster seat around in the car when I was driving. Simply wouldn't do the smallest of tasks. Very strange.