How do I get ds to leave home?

[BlastedPimples]

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

@MaloneMeadow ok can you give specifics as to my "shit parenting" and specifics as to your "constructive criticism"?

Don't give him pocket money -that is for children. At 19 he can get a part time job. Also if he doesn't stop gaming - change the internet password.

He does sound depressed, it must be absolutely awful to keep trying to resit your A-levels. Not looking after himself or his surroundings would also be typical. The other possibility that springs to mind is that he has undiagnosed ASD. Is that possible? How was he socially through primary and secondary school?

How did he do in his GCSE's? Does he know what he'd like to do when he finishes school - there may be other routes into it than doing A-levels. I'd be really worried about him and looking into all sorts of different avenues that might be more suited to him.

@MaloneMeadow come on over. Clean his toilet. Tidy up his room. Get him to study. Get him to do anything. Accept the "fuck offs".

You do need to make life less comfortable for him. It’s not doing him any favours to think he has the option to sit around.

turning off the WiFi is a good idea. Take the router with you.

Cant you get his father on side?

I have investigated all sorts of avenues for him.

He won't countenance anything at all beyond gaming, weight training (he goes to the gym most days) and rugby.

How do you get him to leave? Turn off the Wi-fi.
Then turn off access to money, food, facilities.
He's an adult, not a child.
Send him to his father.

Lots of options OP.

And as for telling him he has to leave, of course he won't do that. He's massive. How do I make him leave?

If you really want to make him leave ask the police to escort him from the property. Once he's gone change the locks. If he comes back causing a nuisance, call the police again.

I like these ideas .

Make it as uncomfortable as possible for him .
I don't buy this he's depressed routine , people are too quick to attach labels . There's every chance he's just another lazy rude teen .

Can't his dad speak to him? Is it a possibility he could go and live with his dad? A fresh start?

He sleeps until 2/3pm every day. Wakes up. Eats 8 eggs and protein shake. Goes to the gym. Comes back. Games. Goes to bed at I don't know what time.

Complains when the school wants to meet him to talk about his lack of attendance.

Complains and is surprised when he gets Us in tests and exams.

Gets very angry when I remind him his dinner is on the table and that he's been scrolling through his phone for over three hours. Today he threw his phone across the sitting room when I said he'd been on it for hours.

OP I have sympathy for you in this situation. I think people will give pretty polarised opinions on your situation as you have described it here ‘help him he’s depressed ‘ or ‘kick him out’ but its never as simple as that in my experience. The reality of tackling entrenched ways of being usually require a middle ground approach.
Certainly something is not right in your Sons life, but without knowing more its hard to guess what that might be. Things that spring to mind- Neurodiversity? Illicit drug use? Prodromal psychosis? Early trauma or an as yet unknown life event? Screen addiction?
the solution comes from understanding the problem. Do you mind me asking is his Father present in his life and if so what is his take in this? It sounds like he might also have had a relatively privileged life so far? (Skiing/ sailing etc). Do you have any contact with his psychologist at all? Is that NHS or private?

But y'know, shit parenting for taking him to the GP and arranging a psychologist for him.

He's an adult OP - time for some tough love. Much respect for your patience to date.

I would cut off the internet/change the password, cancel his mobile phone contract if you pay for it and stop and allowance - only to be paid/returned after chores are done etc. I'd still support physical activity. He could get a PT job whilst at school - all my kids did lifeguarding/waiting/bar work - stood them in good stead.

Another thing I heard on here previously was a mother who had her daughter's bedroom door removed 😂

I have four adult (DS is 18 this month) children and I would not have stood for such entitled, rude and disrespectful behaviour. He isn't perfect by any means - just brought down 12 dirty spoons and dishes from his bedroom - but nowhere near what you are putting up with.

Turn off the WiFi. Cut off his pocket money. Stop giving him rides. All of these are privileges that are contingent on studying and doing his chores.

I agree with OP that saying shit parenting isn't constructive. None of us make universally perfect decisions for their kids and even if she'd been the laziest parent until now (not saying you are OP) , kicking her while she's down without anything constructive just makes her feel shit about herself and doesn't help. I don't have any further suggestions than ones I made above but think PPs have mostly given some great, non judgmental advice

I'm also guessing he won't be able to do the year again after 19. You can't stop his dad sending money, but you can stop buying him food and cooking for him, driving him places, paying for anything else he needs. If his room is a shit tip leave it, he's the one living in it. Not much you can do if the bathroom is shared unfortunately. I do agree with another poster who says give him a timeline and stick to it about him moving out to a shared house.
Yes, it could be depression. He could also be a shitty lazy teen who's going to turn into one of those shitty lazy husbands you see posted about on here every day.

Cut the internet off.

Gets very angry when I remind him his dinner is on the table and that he's been scrolling through his phone for over three hours. Today he threw his phone across the sitting room when I said he'd been on it for hours.

He can start buying and cooking his own food, or go hungry.

@Icannotbudget thank you for a rational response.

His father lives in UK. We do not. His father is a difficult man. Adulterous and had been violent to me. We are divorced.

His father thinks he needs more compassion. Yet he would lose his temper with him when he lived with us and ds refused to come to meal time or go to school when required.

His father has offered to house him too. So he will move country / house and nothing will change in ds's behaviour.

Sometimes I think nothing changes unless it HAS to change.

Anyway I feel a lot better for venting my spleen on here. Thanks.

Can he go to his dad's?
If you pack his stuff and change the locks, then he can go to council and get referred for the YMCA or other supported housing. It might be the making of him. The relationship has broken down. He's an adult.

Sometimes I think nothing changes unless it HAS to change

This is what many posters are trying to tell you.

Unless you change, nothing will change.

It sounds like you're not at that point yet and are willing to continue living like this.

I don't know what AS levels are but I'm assuming end of the teens , is he your youngest ? You just need to ask him what his plans are and give him a move out deadline, don't give him cash tell him he can have 3 meals any extras he can take a trip to the supermarket.

when I was 19 my mum started to charge me rent..very expensive rent…so I looked for cheaper places. She also said that she would pay me a certain amount each term if I attended higher education.

best thing she ever did. I left and went to uni… not cause I wanted to but for the money…. Got my shit together and am a professional now .

tough love is sometimes needed.

Turn off the WiFi at bedtime (change password) so he can't game.

No more lifts until he contributes to chores.

No more doing his laundry.

Close the bedroom door and pray the room survives until he leaves or cleans it. Difficult to do but your mh will thank you for it eventually.

Call once for dinner, if he doesn't come to the table then he goes without.

Talk to him regarding GP and depression and see if he wants another appointment. This is the only thing I would support him on but he has to want it.

Tell him that once this course has finished or he's kicked off it then you will expect him to leave your house. He will be an adult. If he refuses then you can involve the police. Tell him that this will happen, it's non-negotiable while he is behaving so badly.

Do not back down, he will be counting on you doing that. If he threatens you then call the police. Say what you mean, mean what you say.