Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

You are just making yourself sound ridiculous. Its perfectly normal to send kids home because its dinner time. Plus many people are calculating every portion down to the penny and OP is starting to feel the pinch. She doesn't owe this girl anything and the girl isn't her responsibility. All this shaming because she or others can't feed random strays needs to stop.

I don’t get that at all unless they are sitting on the sofa beside you which I doubt they are.

@Icantbedoingwithit

you don’t need to get it

great for you you can fully relax but lots of other people couldn’t in that situation and that’s fine

no, it is not acceptable for me, it is a question of etiquette. I wouldn't do that with people who are not my immediate family (i.e. living in the same household or my own parents visiting). I am not adopting any GFs/BFs into my household as much as I am happy to host them occasionally, including feeding. They can't move-in like that.

I would also question what kind of family this girl is coming from if her parents are completely aloof re where their 16years old daughter is hanging out for 3 out of 7 days of week. It is not even a question of poverty but a question of care and decency. one can be poor yet still not be ok with the child being permanently absent.

@Icantbedoingwithit

exactly!

Whether the cost of the food is an issue to me boils down to affordability, but what I'll definitely say is that this kind of pseudo-matrimony is developmentally not great for a year 11 kid and IMO fairly terrible for someone in year 10. it should be about friendships, hobbies, and schoolwork at that age.

Agree completely with this.

At 14 I wouldn't be happy with a girlfriend being around so much, all weekend till 9pm at night is too much, and id be putting some restrictions on it tbh. The giving her food when she's over wouldn't bother me at all but if she's at yours constantly I can see how it adds up as you'll be providing all of her meals and snacks!

It is way too young.

Again it comes down to being a parent to your child and having firm boundaries in place.

Going to the cinema on a Saturday or hanging out together with a group of friends at the weekend - no problem at all. The occasional meal - also not a problem.

Spending weekend after weekend together, staying over till 9pm and the Son feeling responsibility to take lunch in for her - no way.

I hope my Son’s biggest worry at 14 is his school homework and what game to play with his friends.

Random strays? I guess we differ there. I would never ask someone to leave my house because we were eating no matter who they were. I would always ask if they wanted to join us. That can be done very cheaply. Different folks and all that, I would always choose the kinder option and share. You never know what is going on in any child’s home life and although it would not be my responsibility, if I had an inkling not all was good, I would plate up an extra dinner a couple of times a week. It’s not like it’s every day. The OP has described the child as a lovely girl, that would be good enough for me.

The only issue I would have however is the age thing.

Really?

Either have her come round less often. Or feed her. Don't go for passive aggressive humiliation

I am going to go against the grain of the first couple of pages of responses and unless it is causing you financial hardship - I would feed her. It is not your responsibility but your house/son and family sound like a bright spot in her days. It is unlikely they are going to stay together forever. So many families in food poverty - if you can help without it really hurting you - I would.

It might not be broken down. Or it might be fixed now and they haven't told you.

I agree with pp, send her home for tea.

Mumsnet always amazes me - the extent to which anonymous posters are so quick to hector, pressure or even shame someone into taking on a role or obligation that we have no way of knowing if they would actually be willing to do themselves. They are quite happy to pressure the OP into running a one-woman soup kitchen but, to paraphrase a famous quote: 'The problem with this approach is that you eventually run out of other people's time and money'!

Besides, as you said family of five, I imagine that you are not the only adult in the household. What is the view of your spouse or partner?

My own view is that it would be fine for her to come over one half-day each weekend. Say, 12 - 6pm, to include either lunch or supper. Plus perhaps going out together on a Friday night. Be warm and welcoming, offer her a good meal when she is with you, offer her the bus fare if she needs it and offer her a lift so that she gets home safely. But that should be it. Your duty is to your son and your other children. If you have further concerns about her wellbeing or safety then it is really school you should be speaking to - if someone effectively takes her in then this could be masking problems that outside agencies might need to know about.

Turning to your son, he is in Year 10 - I am frankly staggered as to how he finds the time to hang out with her all weekend, surely he has a ton of homework to be getting on with? Plus other uses for his time. What about:
Homework and reviewing his GCSE subject work
Reading for pleasure
Hobbies and interests
Exercise and sports
Other friendships
Volunteering - DofE etc
Careers research
Housework and cooking

He is slipping into a restricted, coupled-up lifestyle at a very young age and if you are not careful at best he will compromise his GCSE grades and overall development, or at worst, end up a very young dad.

On a weekend, I will slob around in a dressing gown till mid afternoon with no underwear on. My hair will be a mess, or in curlers.

I wouldn’t want to do either of those things if guests were here.

Mumsnet always amazes me - the extent to which anonymous posters are so quick to hector, pressure or even shame someone into taking on a role or obligation that we have no way of knowing if they would actually be willing to do themselves. They are quite happy to pressure the OP into running a one-woman soup kitchen but, to paraphrase a famous quote: 'The problem with this approach is that you eventually run out of other people's time and money'!

So true @AnonyLonnymouse . They try to convince us they are so kind, but it's tedious.

Agreed. OP is allowed to relax in her own home and not worry about girlfriends and feeding them.

Yup!! It’s her house afterall

I have this too! My DS is 17 and in college FT. DS’s girlfriend is 18 but also at college FT. Roughly 5 nights out of 7 AND the weekends she has been at my house. Eating and staying over so food, and showers… hairdryer going! So my energy bills are creasing me too!

I’ve dropped hints to my son, and to her, eg, I need you to go to her / your house as it’s not fair. The answer I got was I don’t like going there (he doesn’t like going to my house). I felt mean but said, I can’t afford to keep doing this. It’s your Mum’s responsibility to feed you. The GF is lovely and appreciative but this is impacting so much on my finances.

I have taken the GF on holiday twice too and am set to on a third occasion too but this next holiday I told her she will have to pay for her own flights. These holidays were pre-booked, pre their relationship.

I’ve been like this as she’s FT at college with only a little PT job. My son the same having a PT ‘student’ job alongside his college studies. I’ve taken her away because I like her, plus my DS didn’t want to go alone with just me now she’s on the scene.

Recently - at half term, her Mum went away to Spain for a week and didn’t tell her until 2 days before. She took all her siblings plus one of her sisters‘s friends. My DS’s girlfriend was really upset. Not told, not invited and worse than that… told she couldn’t stay in their house on her own so that only left my house! Apparently all because she is now over 16. Honestly I feel it’s more her Mum taking the Michael than her! Her Mum hasn’t even been in touch with me to say thanks for ‘putting her up’ while they went on their ‘secret’ holiday or for taking her away - not that I care, but I would have definitely thanked her. In view my DS has eaten there twice in 7 months I feel completely disrespected.

The more posts I read (not OP), the more dispirited I become by the seemingly mean minded nature of some posters

TBH in the circumstances I would be inclined to try and get more for your money when it comes to food shopping. My Son's DS comes round here a couple of times a week and he cooks for them (they're 16 so older) and he did have a girlfriend when he was 14. For various reasons she was round her house a lot for one of the school holidays, so ate with us a lot. I do a big online shop in Iceland every week and stock up on offers.. As others have suggested, you could also get your Son involved in making cheap and cheerful meals for them both, if he's not aleady.

That is a completely different kettle of fish than the OP! I don’t blame you feeling disrespected!!

Was in similar situation with similar aged son. GF seemed to really like being at our friendly, generous house. I took this as a positive sign and reflected well on us as a family. His early dating experience was a learning experience for all of us. Eventually they broke up, & I think of her fondly and pleased to think she enjoyed our hospitality.

I also fully realised, that my son has/will probably do the same to another family who are warm and generous. (I’m sure I did the same in my youth, never would have occurred to me that parents thought I was sponging off them for meals)

Or, rather than drop subtle/passive aggressive 'hints', speak with son and reduce frequency of visits