Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

@Shinyandnew1, OP is now posting as STtt.

Then I imagine OP is new to Social Media.
People online make shit up for attention seeking & to enjoy the arguments they might start. This is commonly called "trolling" like a troll under a bridge, but it's sometimes harmless fantasy, to be fair.

Trolling is especially suspected when people post a difficult facts about a situation, and the trolling is often targetted to the special sensitivities of the Target Platform (MN is the social media platform here). Ticking off more than one sensitivity is sometimes called "bingo card" behaviour, because the troll designs their fantasy to elicit strong emotions on multiple topics, as though they all appeared on a bingo card.

MNers are especially hyper-reactive to things like "children" getting over-involved in relationships, but also children especially disadvantaged kids should be kindly treated, as well as "women shouldn't be exploited" (eg OP paying out for a cheeky fucker) and cost of living crisis in general.

To be fair, if OP was really a troll she'd have dropped in by now that the 16yo girl is a trans Tory & vegan. That would have been like lobbing a grenade in.

hth

Thank you to the person who pointed out the time the OP had returned to post-I had completely missed that. @SalTtt it is impossible to keep track of what’s going on if you change usernames!

Maybe as you have been feeding her, her mum is encouraging her to go to yours.

Cant believe this is a genuine post! Really?

I am torn because she is obviously a kid that needs help and feels comfortable at your home with your family.
But you can't spend resources on another person that you don't have. Whether that is time, food, car rides, whatever. 16 is old enough to take a bus alone in most circumstances.

Get some cheap stuff together. Home made soups and bake-at-home baguettes For example.
My DS had a mate like this years. Always at our house. Fed him all the time. I later found out that his parents and older brother were alcoholics and his other refuge was his grandmas until he found her dead one day. In the end I was glad that our house was a refuge.
BUT I did used to make HUGE cheap meals like serving up a massive platter of chips topped with fried eggs and bread and b

PS and ‘butter’ 😊

It may well be her friends bring stuff from home for her because they don't want to wait for her to queue.

At home, I'd feel privileged that my son felt able to bring his girlfriend round so much.

It's lovely to see the caring nature of your son making her soup and a sandwich. He's going to make someone a great partner one day!

I'd just go with it, but perhaps as others have said, stock up on good bulk ingredients for weekend meals where it's not costing loads to add another plate.

If she ever does appear to be using him in some way (other than getting a decent meal here and there) it will be much easier to spot if they're hanging round yours a lot.

I don’t understand how people can begrudge others of food, if I have unexpected guests I always feed them.. if I have family over , I always feed them too.. it doesn’t hurt me to stretch the food a bit more.
i suppose growing up without not having anything though has made me more of a generous person…

I’ve always fed my dcs friends when they are around at meal times. Just add a bit extra of veg/ bread/ pasta/ fruit whatever is needed. When miney was tight, it’d be jackets n beans n cheese. Or no cheese, if I didn’t have any.

Did anyone stop to think what sort of a home does comes from? Is she fed and looked after properly. Always had girlfriend, friends around, fed them all.

How can you call a hungry kid a ‘scrounger’?
‘Aiding and abetting’ I’m quite embarrassed for you.

I’ve never really noticed having to spend more when the random rabble join us for tea - I cook as planned and just add extra veg or pasta or soya mince or beans… what I did have a problem with was snacking fridge raids - key ingredients for a meal would vanish, a family size packet of ham, 800g blocks of cheese, 12 sausages as a snack - eldest son and friends basically eating habits of a Labrador, probably would roll in fox shit too for a laugh

She chooses not to eat free school meals because she doesn’t like queuing up for them yet she is happy to take food from others. When I was a teacher we would go on field trips and were given packed lunches for the fsm students. In my experience, most of these students had mobile phones and were happy to buy burgers, leaving the fsm lunches for the teachers to eat rather than throw them away!
I am not saying that your son’s girlfriend is cheating the system: she could be truly in need but the fact that she rejects the fsm makes me wonder. She probably doesn’t like queuing up because she thinks it is displaying her ‘poverty’ to others.
You need to set clear rules and be much firmer about when she comes to your house for meals. By invite only.

What if your food is already so stretched that one person more would make a difference?!
Do you make your family go hungry?
Not everyone can stretch their food by adding a bit more this or that 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds as though she is from a family that doesn’t have a lot. I guess I would start from a place of are you buying more food and can you afford it, I think you said you weren’t. So not really sure what the issue is, it sounds like a kindness and why would you begrudge doing that. Surely it’s better they are at your house and you know where DS is especially given he is only 14. In terms of the lifts home, maybe she could leave earlier and walk/bus or don’t always offer? But again I would be grateful if someone did that for my child and if it’s only a quick lift, it’s not a major deal. Sometimes the impact of kindness can mean such a lot to a child, I bet she feels really wanted at your house, maybe she needs that.

No one knows if there's enough food at home though.

The problem seems to be with her no eating the meal that's provided for her at school.

Maybe her parents don't know & if they did they'd send a packed lunch?

I wouldn't want to be regularly feeding someone else.

If you've shopped & planned it can be a pita rearranging what you have planned or stretching meals at the last minute.

Be aware that as your son grows you may well want him to remember that his friends and girlfriends are always welcome. If he doesn’t feel that he is the one who will spend time at their house and you may be the loser. This may or may not be a long term relationship if it is then you all could have a great and close future and she will remember your kindness. If it isn’t he will remember your kindness in welcoming his girlfriend and feel that he has the best family ever. We are a household of between 6-9 people depending on girlfriends and boyfriend. I love them all and love that they are comfortable with us. Planning meals can be tough but a small small price to pay.

I think she means the ‘trying to convince’ is tedious, not the kindness.

Although it's there's a law called the Romeo and Juliet law that means nothing can be done about it if they do consent to doing things. Covers up to 2 years so long as one isn't an adult

So.did I. From when we moved into our now house kids were 14, 13 and 10. I knew most nights if not all school nights I would have 4 extra mouths to feed if not more and up to 8 extra on weekends. Im a disabled single mum on benefits and the kids got fsm. I still did it. The other kids parents didn't care where they were. Be it field, park or by the river. In fact one daughter and her friend were over last week and she said how much it meant to her. She still lives at home and hasn't long lost her job. Her mum doesn't allow her to cook a meal even if it is the only thing she gets to eat all day and she couldn't care less as to where she is either. Said she could be in a ditch for all her mum cares. Yes I made sure I fed them both a good meal both nights she was here. Invited her to stay with my daughter who's house/dog sitting when I'm away and can eat what she wants.

Romeo and Juliet law doesn’t exist in the UK.

Bare in mind that if you stop feeding them or say not to come as often they may go elsewhere, where you have no control or idea what’s going on.
Also you mention worrying about the cost but also say you haven’t actually purchased more yet. I wouldn't think a spag Bol going from 5 to 6 would make much difference.
I know there are children who will get little to nothing at home of a weekend. I personally couldn’t refuse to feed her. I would just make sure that meals that are less easy to split between an extra person happen mid week and ones that easily go a bit further happen at the weekend

Correct - however, CPS guidelines explicitly provide it's not generally in the public interest to prosecute in such cases

"is not in the public interest to prosecute children who are of the same or similar age and understanding that engage in sexual activity, where the activity is truly consensual for both parties and there are no aggravating features, such as coercion or corruption"