Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

Yep. Her mum had a working car till recently.

I have exactly this problem, but I'm lucky enough to be able to afford the increase in food, and I also love that I can turn out at night (even though I moan sometimes) and give them lifts everywhere. My dd's boyfriend comes from a deprived background and it makes the relationship very difficult as we are constantly compensating for this, but she doesn't want to feel like his mother by feeding/giving money. It is not an easy one.

Soooooo many mumsnetters are soooooo privileged!

not everyone can afford to just buy more food. Food is really expensive these days.

I think you should be so glad that your son has a lovely girlfriend. Believe me, not everyone is so lucky.

As girls are usually more mature at that age, doesn't she find there's a big difference in them?

@ItsallIeverwanted

and I also love that I can turn out at night (even though I moan sometimes) and give them lifts everywhere.”

why do you love it? Just out of interest

I would just carry on feeding her. Sounds like she might need it

@LuckySantangelo35 that I can make sure my dd and her boyfriend are safe. The buses here are now completely rubbish since Covid, they went from every 10 min to once an hour and often don't turn up. I don't want him trudging an hour in the rain. There are other issues of neglect and actual abuse, but that doesn't sound like what's going on here. I don't always give lifts and if the bus is coming, he gets it, but so often now it is not and the gap between people who are advantaged/disadvantaged is widening in CoL times, and that knocks onto relationships. My ultimate goal is to get my dd driving herself by passing her test- guess what, her boyfriend does not have the money for driving lessons, he's looking for work to pay food and rent.

😔

she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm

Tell your ds that his gf can only come over either Saturday or Sunday (not after school) and has to leave by 4pm. This is way too intense for a 14 yo. She's the legal age of consent but your ds isn't.

I do agree though that all weekend is too much, I set a limit of one 24 hour period on the weekend! One night staying over, otherwise it's too intrusive on our home life, two or three nights up til 10pm.

well ,maybe she wants to lie on her sofa with feet up in old t-shirt and joggers. that's not exactly acceptable with guests in house, irrespective of whether the guest is called "DS's gf" or smth else.

How on earth is not acceptable with a teenager in the house? The teenager is not there to visit with you! Ridiculous statement.

The cut off for FSM is £7400 household income.

Another one of those threads that confirm I'm certainly going to be a stricter parent than Mumsnet considers appropriate.

It wouldn't even have crossed mine or my siblings minds to bring a partner home at 14!! When we should be focused on our education.

Why? Thats how its been with visiting kids/teens for years, with no issues, until recently, so not sure why you are mortified.

And all this OP is tight and mean, and surely she can just stretch to feeding one more, what can it cost, well obviously too much for her own mother to feed her, maybe things are getting as tight for OP as they are for the girls mother? This girl is not the OP's responsibility, she should not be adjusting her budget, meals, and life skills teaching to take account of her, The kid has her own parents and home for that.

In terms of the driving thing - if he she new she had to get the bus why not leave earlier?

I grew up in a family with no car and always made my decisions around public transport. If I had to get the bus, I would time it accordingly so I wasn't coming home too late alone.

To echo others, when other people are in my house. There is a different vibe - there just is. I certainty wouldn't be walking about in my PJs if we had company, regardless of who it is.

It's not a partner, @Outliers. It's a boyfriend/girlfriend. Plenty of kids at school have a boyfriend or girlfriend - with any luck they are really good friends with them, as the OP's son seems to be with his girlfriend.

I’ve yet to cook a meal that couldn’t feed one extra mouth, so I’m probably not best placed to advise on that… I may not be able to send her lunch several times per week though.

I do think, however, is that this relationship sounds quite full on for a 14 /16 yr old. It’s good she recognises you have boundaries, but that should also extend to the amount of time she spends in your home. Your son needs a break and you need family time. And if he starts feeling responsible for her, he may find it difficult to break up with her. He’s too young for that burden.

Sure, whatever you wish to call it

Does that include all benefits (Pip, UC, Carers etc)? I'm not sure how anyone could live on that where I live as rent on a small house would be about 1500p/m.

Again, mortified for you. I have always fed a child that was here regardless of age for YEARS. Adjusting her life skills? What planet are you on? It costs fuck all to buy a few cheap pizza’s, put a few more potatoes in a pot a couple of days a week.
NOBODY knew what my home life was like back then but my boyfriend’s family certainly never told me to go home because they were eating! I cannot believe you think that is ok. She’s a kid regardless of who has responsibility of her and if she was in my house she would be fed regardless because that it called kindness and manners…I certainly wouldn’t come on here bleating how much of a mug I was.

@Icantbedoingwithit

a lot of people would find it harder to relax with their offsprings bf or gf there
its OP’s house I’m sure she works out she deserves to chill out in it

Food aside it is more concerning a 16yo is dating a 14yo and actually illegal if they are sexually active.

I’ll join you as an outlier. Mine came home with me at 20 and my dad wasn’t impressed even then 🤦🏾‍♀️. My daughter is 15 and doesn’t have a boyfriend. Long may it last 🙏🏾.

I would agree to her eating one night a week at yours for dinner (Fri/Sat night) and perhaps a sandwich/soup for lunch on a Saturday.

However, she gets free school meals so needs to use them. She can have a proper meal at school and thats the idea of free school meals for those who really need it. She shouldn’t be turning them down out of laziness to queue.