Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

what amazes me is readiness to kick own DC out of house at 16-18-20 because no way "a grown person" food feed of me, yet ready to let 14 years old DS play house with a 16years old girl with a highly questionable lifestyle.

It's not women's responsibility to take in waifs and strays.

If you're so keen to be kind and not mean, offer to send money to OP to feed the girl.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

maybe op doesn’t wanna spend all her wage on food 🤷‍♀️

Presumably the girl's mum's car will be fixed so you won't feel obliged to be a taxi service. If she doesn't live that far away, is it such a big deal occasionally? Regarding the food, I would think one more for a meal doesn't make that much difference and it isn't every day. You sound like a smashing mother.

The son's girlfriend is not a random stray

Kindness is so tedious 🤔

It's not kindness that's tedious, it's your attempts to prove you're oh so kind whilst attempting to foist more work and cost on to the OP because she's a woman that's tedious.

3 times a week is not every day but it is far too much. OP may well be a smashing mother but that doesn't mean she has to feed other people's kids 3 times a week.

It is not just dinner though, which is easier to get another portion from.

I expect it is 3 days worth of snacks and if they are anything like my teenagers it will be multiple packets of crisps, fruit, biscuits, bread, coke etc. Which all adds up.

But tbh the problem is not the food or the driving which is CF from the parents and the GF has CF behaviour in not doing school dinners because of the queue and expecting her BFs parents to fund yet another lunch for her. It is the fact that the 14yrs sons weekend is now taken over by the GF. I would not be happy at all. One day a weekend is more than enough if they see each other at school.

@RazzlePuff I agree with your stance. At the end of he day I want my boys to feel that they can bring people home. Its hard though if its impacting on finances.

Feeding one of my dc's boyfriends/girlfriends wouldn't be an issue.

A 14 year old having a steady 16 year old girlfriend would have been a huge issue, especially if they were spending Friday evening and all of Saturday/Sunday together.

I'd be signing up my 14 year old boy to tennis/rowing/rugby/amateur dramatics club and finding an Easter/Summer activity camp for them. I'd make sure they had far more interesting and social things to focus on.

I don't think you're being a mug, you're just being kind. They're not old enough yet to finance their own snacks and meals, I have a 13yo daughter and I frequently do meals for her friends, its just part and parcel. In the case of a broken down car, I'd give them a lift too.

Do you think there might be issues at home ? Maybe your son helps her because he knows she won’t eat other way ?

Tricky. But I’m Irish and would just feed her.

Oh Op-you mean you haven't offered to have this poor, under fed, neglected girl move in??🙄

I read an article that one theory why life is so tough recently is that everyone is just obsessed with the nuclear family.

I wonder about what the GF is like generally and with you as host. I sense it's not just the extra food etc but the fact she's around so much inhibiting family time and total relaxation in your own home. Sure some people are 'make yourselves at home' to everyone but others are more private. Also, what is the age gap? Is your DS nearly 15 and she's only just 16 or what? It's unusual for a 16 year old girl to want to hang out with a 14 year old boy but maybe he's mature for his age. Also, if you've been giving her lifts home for a month is her mother's car not fixed by now or has a favour become an expectation? Does DS never go to hers?
I think you need to talk to your son then maybe to both of them. It doesn't make you mean to set some boundaries.

I would feed her (as we do regularly with DD2's boyfriend, though it is reciprocated in her case) but perhaps limit it to once a week? Then perhaps could they go to McDonalds or something another time?

It would be interesting to see the dynamics of these nuclear, I can't relax when my daughters boyfriend is there crew, in 10 years time.

My boyfriends Mum was like thia. We rarely see them now. Grandkids are closer to my family. Not saying its a given but would be interesting to look at the situations in 10 years.

TeeBee
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I know that's not what the OP was asking, but I'm inclined to agree. It doesn't sound very balanced at any age...let alone at 14. This would be my bigger concern, to be honest.

Agree with this.

No posts from OP for 24 hrs.
Has anyone suggested the OP meeting the other parent(s)?
We would have done for all the reasons stated.
Too young to be so involved with each other.
Is she manipulating him
The expense

I honestly don't find these stories of moving in teen couples permanently heartwarming tbh.

Its all overly enmeshed from a very young age without any real opportunity for self actualisation that isn't wrapped around your teen relationship.

it creates too much obligation on one partner from a young age, why should a teenager feel guilt about making an ex homeless if they no longer want to be together.

teenagers will be fine if their gf/bf is 20 mins away.

Happy it worked out for you guys though

I agree, if they believe they are grown up enough to have a relationship like that in their GCSE years(spending alot of time together at the weekend, meals, lifts etc), then they are grown up enough for the families to meet.

If I was the OP, i’d try and meet the other Mum, perhaps use the excuse of wanting to get to know the Mum as her daughter is spending so much time at her house. Perfect opportunity to find out if the GF is in real need.

I agree it's too much, too young. DS should be spending some time each weekend on his own hobbies, seeing his friends, doing family things. GF should be revising for her exams, doing a Saturday job (so she can buy her own lunches, if she doesn't want the school lunch), seeing her own friends.

OP, I'd be inclined to say they should spend Saturdays separately, or at least not at your house, so they don't have two consecutive days/evenings together at your house. Otherwise before too long they'll be suggesting GF stays over, to save you having to drive her home/her having to come back next day.

And as the days get longer, she can get herself home in daylight.