Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

When DS was 14 he was too busy gaming with his friends to have a girlfriend. And 16 year old girls wouldn't have looked twice at a 14 year old boy.

We've been the other side of the fence. We actually stopped her going round until after lunch and picked her up before evening meal as we were not comfortable with the amount of time she was there. He did spend quite a bit of time here and we did feed him but it is a bit of a problem when he was the fussy eater and didn't like what we ate whereas she eats absolutely everything. We used to give her extra money for lunches out with him so they weren't eating all his parents' food.

I’d be feeding her.

It’s common decency.

Send them away and you’ve no idea where they are etc. And you son wouldn’t forget however reasonable reasons you gave. Perhaps cook cheaper?

@DoIhavegreeneyes Thanks for your message. I'm working today so not had time to respond. Tbh I'm also overwhelmed by the no. of responses and grateful for everyone's perspectives. DH and I have agreed we need to sit down and agree our boundaries and then speak to DS.
It's fascinating to see different people's takes on the situation but there is quite a bit of narrative-building/assumptions that doesn't necessarily reflect our situation.
I guess it feels like a transition for us to have a gf round the house and that was part of my reason for posting, it's the transition to being parents of teens and all that comes with it.
I appreciate all of the advice, thank you.

Perhaps cook cheaper?

Why should other members of op's own family have to miss out in order to accommodate a girl who has no relationship to them?

I'd be pretty peed off in these circs if I was told I had to have smaller portions, or eat lentils or pasta, for the benefit of a brother's gf.

Where does it stop? What if everyone wants a friend to dinner three nights a week? I mean if you say yes to one, you have to say yes to all, don't you?

This isnt something which I havent seen similar before ,all be it in a work setting.
You have to start a prep. Store. ( EMERGENCY SUPPLY OF FOOD) In a separate place. Example: Locked cupboard in Garage or Shed, where random strangers cannot just grab and go . Also discuss with son when the guests will require feeding at weekend. Ask for a contribution towards meals for any extras guest.
( This is reasonable as I PAID to visit parents as a teen)
Next idea: Find out what Foods ' Guest ' likes or dislikes and serve the opposite.
Next idea: Go ' Vegan' till guest gets message.
Next idea: Turn off Central Heating and Hot Water.
Next idea: Announce that youre decorating his bedroom. Remove bed. So he sleeps on sofa.
Leave it like that for a few weeks. Then start setting Rules and Boundaries . If it goes wrong REMOVE BEDROOM DOOR.

Only on Mumsnet.

@Todayzname

so everyone in the family should have cheaper and probably as a result less nutritious meals in order for op to keep feeding her 14 year olds gf?!

It’s beyond horrible … how pays to eat at their parents house ?

I wouldn't presume. If the car hasn't been fixed in a couple of months and the child is on FSM, there could be no money for car repairs. It's not one meal a week either. This child is there eating at OP place lunch and dinner both weekend days, dinner some after school days and OP's DS is taking additional packed lunch in for this girl a few times a week. OP is providing the majority of food this girl eats in a week.

OP the lunch queueing issue is going to be because her friendship group is all taking packed lunches, of course it then marks her out as a FSM child if she's queues and eats alone, as well as impacting on her friendships if she's not there to socialize with the others at lunchtime.

Your DS is kind and that's lovely, but he needs reminding kindness should also be shown to his own family and not make the assumptions his parents are happy to foot the bill for feeding another person. He's not even asking you, he's just taking and that's not ok. From her perspective, if she's hungry or cold at home, good manners and not imposing is likely to come second to getting her needs met. Your DS will have been telling her it's fine, too.

Your DS is kind and that's lovely, but he needs reminding kindness should also be shown to his own family and not make the assumptions his parents are happy to foot the bill for feeding another person. He's not even asking you, he's just taking and that's not ok.

Absolutely. It’s not his call and they to have a conversation before he continues to take advantage of his parents’ hospitality.

What the heck. There are so many things wrong here I don't know where to start. She's silly fur not queuing for school lunch. She sounds immature.

Im confused about the lunch queue as we pay for lunches as do alot of my Sons friends. I didn’t think FSM were obvious to others so not sure why she cant just queue for them and tell her friends her parents dont do packed lunches. I refused to do packed lunches after primary school. Surely she must have friends who buy lunches that she could stand in the line with?

OP, please use the same username in the same thread so people can find your replies...

There are a lot sadder things going on in the world than a 14 year old having to entertain his girlfriend elsewhere.

Are you feeling quite well, @Vonesk?

Think it depends on the school, ours is huge and I suspect relies on a large proportion taking pack ups. At GCSE there are loads of clubs and extra revision classes on offer and queuing for lunch means can’t do - at £3.80 it’s quite expensive in theory it’s a main meal plus cake / dessert and a bottle of water but the options are often macaroni cheese or baked potatoes and beans / cheese - for two it’s over £160 a month and it’s easier for them to take leftovers or a sandwich. I don't know anyone in my school friendship group who buys lunches and the only kids mine know who do it are fsm. A couple of kids we know from primary take pack ups and I strongly suspect are entitled to fsm but aren’t taking them up, from what I know nothing changed and on benefits.

Can't your son also get school meals and then he eats with her. Probably be better for you to be paying for his lunch and him getting a cooked meal, than providing a pack meal for him and his gf.

My dd won’t take food and won’t eat in the dinner hall. Too embarrassing apparently. She’s year 11. This is infuriating with GCSES coming up but something I’ve now accepted. She eats when she gets home. It is unfair to say the girl is immature or should just queue up. My dd has an absolute obsession with fitting in, this is personality plus tricky medical conditions which she refused for years to discuss and is slowly accepting. It isn’t possible to put old heads on young shoulders.

Maybe I misunderstood but I read it as she was embarrassed/ashamed about being in the fsm queue

As a side, but related, issue

"Im confused about the lunch queue as we pay for lunches as do alot of my Sons friends. I didn’t think FSM were obvious to others so not sure why she cant just queue for them and tell her friends her parents dont do packed lunches. I refused to do packed lunches after primary school. Surely she must have friends who buy lunches that she could stand in the line with?"

"Maybe I misunderstood but I read it as she was embarrassed/ashamed about being in the fsm queue"

If this is true, that the GF doesn't want and is able to be identified as having FSM then the school is failing in wider duty of care.

No child should know if another is on FSM or not.

As a former teacher I rarely knew - same queue. Meals were cashless, identity from fingerprint.

I have never heard of a school now with a free school meals queue.

If there is an issue with lunchtimes and your son is taking in hot soup for his year 11 girlfriend rather than her accessing what she should be eating, I think you should phone to have a chat with the safeguarding lead/pastoral team/HoY/Senco.

If she is suffering from neglect at home, your son (or you) feeding her for repeated meals every meal is hiding this and you wouldn’t want to be complicit in disguised compliance. The school should be aware of the situation. If she just wants him to make her soup, then that’s a different matter but that needs to be unpicked.

Has the OP replied with a different name? I missed that-what time?

I don’t think it’s an intentional “free meals queue” I had a couple of months free school meals. They only credited the account at lunchtime. Most of the kids preorder a lunch at first break from the to go place. Panini / toastie/ baguette and then just collect. As the credit only appeared at lunchtime you’d need to go get food from the canteen. It’s perhaps a good thing as meals from there were more balanced than carbs/cheese but the queue is long so unlikely to be there if you have other options.

"Maybe I misunderstood but I read it as she was embarrassed/ashamed about being in the fsm queue"

But her friends know she is entitled to fsm anyway. She must have talked about it if DS feels it necessary to provide her with lunch every day. (Which I agree he shouldn't be doing, it's not his responsibility, nor op's.)