Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

But she’s causing the literal opposite to happen. I’ve got 3 dc in 3 different schools on free school meals, all them have systems in place where you don’t know who’s paying or who’s not. They’re all online accounts nowadays. Dc1 school meals are set price and fully covered, dc2 and dc3 you pay/top up via parent pay, one scans her lunch card for food and the other has a fingerprint system. There’s no reason to not use the school canteen, and the fact that she’s begging for food off her mates instead of bringing her own packed lunch in clearly says she doesn’t have the food herself? You don’t hide from your mates that you don’t have food by asking them to bring food in for you. Sorry about your ds btw, I hope you set them straight!

this Is what I would or did do. she doesn't need to be hanging about your house all day, you need to tell your son this.

Lots of schools aren't as good at this. Our is good EXCEPT, the children have to know what's covered - lots of things are so if they get to th counter and use their fingerprint, its rejected.

Other schools are even less discreet. Don't assume that just because your experience is good, all are.

I always fed my sons' girlfriends and friends if they were here, I have 5 sons so there always seemed to be a few extras here after school and weekends! Is it just the cost that's bothering you or the amount of time they spend together? If you're cooking for 5 people, one more isn't going to make much difference a couple of times a week?

You don't sound a mug you sound lovely.

My dds boyfriend is here all of the time. Especially with it being half term. Yea it costs a bit but not loads. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Is it? I often think Mumsnetvis a weird universe. I am a teacher with a daughter the same age. She goes to my school.

I would say it's pretty normal for where we live.

A simple solution. Tell your son he can’t have her around as much. They will have to go out or go to her house. I wouldn’t want another teenager in my house every Friday, Saturday and Sunday!

Why? My daughters boyfriend is here right now. It's not any different.

Just curious obviously its your personal preference.

I agree that it doesn't sound that excessive seeing someone 2 or 3 afternoons x week at 14..?

Each to their own. I just don’t feel fully comfortable and settled when other people are in my house outside of my immediate family. A few hours here and there would be fine but not every weekend, that’s also my time to relax after working all week.

Personally, I would be happy that she enjoys coming to your house and that she and your DS aren't spending their evenings on freezing park banches or at dodgy parties. We aren't flush for cash at the moment and find food shopping ever more expensive, but I would be able to and would offer her pasta, soup, homemade pizza, chicken nuggets, eggs, toast, crisps, carrot sticks. (I'd save the oysters and prime rib for when she's not there.)

As for the driving, if your son went to her house you would pick him up late at night rather than let him get the bus so dropping her off seems more or less the same to me...

Can your son also use the school canteen? Then his girlfriend can use her FSM voucher as he will queue and eat with her?

Is she respectful though? She’s 16yrs old so she knows well enough that it’s rude to impose yourself on others and expect to eat their food without an invitation. She’s also rude expecting other children to bring in lunch food for her because she can’t be arsed to queue up.

Your DS is younger and it could be he was chosen because of that. Most 16yr old girls would be looking at boys two years older than them, not two years younger.

I’d be blunt with her frankly and tell her it’s time to go back to her house as you’re having a family meal and/or there’s no food for her. I’d also try to tactfully suggest to your DS that she come after lunch. Let them hang out after school on Friday and/or one afternoon at the weekend but stop the rest, including him taking in food for her.

@Combattingthemoaners

Why can't you relax? I am literally lying down reading mumsnet now. Dd and boyfriend are gaming.

You are right we all have our idiosyncrasies.

It's all online these days so no one knows who is on FSM , it doesn't sound like it bothers her though if she's telling everyone that she can't be bothered to queue .

Also if you only took her home when her mums car broke down then I'd hardly call that a big deal, that was your choice

If you don't want her there or you can't afford to feed her so much talk to your son and put some more rules in place . Just because she is on fsm doesn't mean that her parent/parents can't afford to feed her

Different strokes for different folks eh. I work with teenagers all day every day so maybe that has warped my tolerance levels outside of work.

Different strokes for different folks eh. I work with teenagers all day every day so maybe that has warped my tolerance levels outside of work.

Snap. My dd goes to the school I teach at. 🤦‍♀️

Exactly. She shouldn't be relying on being fed at yours, presumably the parent/s get child benefit for her, they can feed her with that.

I was on FSM's for a few years after a sudden change in our family circumstances. My school would make all the FSM kids line up in a separate line to be given a ticket that you gave to the cashier. This was a very clear signal for other kids to bully those FSM kids. As a consequence I refused my ticket and went hungry most days at school because the whole system was hugely stigmatising.

Thanks so much for the responses. It's really interesting to see the variety of views. I'm sorry that it's sparked discussions about how FSM is handled in schools and the discomfort & bullying that it can cause. My DS also avoids the lunch queue in favour of pack up so maybe it's more an issue of the school's queue management 🤷🏻‍♀️
For context, he's a very mature 14yo but yes, it is feeling very intense very quickly.
Also for context, the taxi service has been over a month, it wasn't a one-off event!
You've given us food for thought and we'll be talking to him about what's reasonable.

I’m sorry that happened to you. I remember the kids in my school when I was a kid also being given tickets but they just joined the same queue as everyone else.

Now, everything is digital. The kids all have cards and FSM kids automatically get the FSM money on their card every morning, and they just use their card like everyone else so no one can tell. It is much better.

When she mentioned how you have boundaries, what was your sense of what she was saying? e.g. that it was new for her, she felt restricted, she liked it. More to the point, how did you feel?

As a 15/16 yo I got things I hadn't had in my own family from my boyfriend's family. Hugs, conversation, attention etc. It made it very difficult for me when he broke up with me - I wasn't just losing him iyswim. I think it also made things temporarily difficult between him and his parents.

I think there are lots of solutions to this, but the main thing is avoiding the kind of enmeshment where she becomes like a family member (at least at this age).

You might be her first experience of gentle boundaries and distinct relationships, so I would go with your gut (after a bit of reflection about how to put whatever you decide gently and firmly - perhaps to them both so DS isn't in the position of being your mouthpiece/interpreter?)

@semideponent The mention of boundaries was a positive thing, DS messaged me (unprompted) to say something like she fully respects the boundaries and really likes us (me & DH).

Gosh wouldn't bother me.. a little bit less on each plate provides an extra meal for another person.
My daughter always has Grandson girlfriend there..
I remember doing it when mine had b/f over or friends. I was a single parent on benefits and l always welcomed anyone for a meal or meals at any time.. my house was always open and still is..
I can't imagine being so petty and mean.

My main worry would be that at 14 yo he feels responsible for looking after a 16 yo gf. This isn't healthy.

@Moier Thank you for your viewpoint. I think calling me petty and mean is a bit strong! I'm neither of those and not sure why you feel the need to throw out an insult at me.