Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

My son is fair bit older , his girlfriend stays the weekend and goes home on Sunday . The following weekend he'll stay at hers . Things change from when they are really young , but you need a more balanced thing going on . Does son not spend time at her home ?

Your son needs to queue up with her, so she can get her free school meals. That eliminates him bringing her soup from home. I would tell him to choose one day she visits, because you can't afford to keep feeding her. Just talk to him and he will understand.

I grew up on FSM. It was harrowing at times, we had to stand in a separate line and sign against a register visible to all. I either took a packed lunch, or didn’t eat at all (I am fortunate that despite being an extremely low income my parents prioritised food, I know others were not so fortunate). I am sure schools are better at hiding who is on FSM today but I am also sure that many of the kids will know anyway. I understand if she doesn’t want to use her FSM entitlement, even if as an adult that would be frustrating to watch and indeed subsidise.

him taking her food could also be that it allows them to spend more of lunchtime together; if the queues are bad she could be spending her whole time queueing for lunch. At that age teens who are dating so seem to want to spend absolutely all their time together.

my biggest worry about this whole scenario is that at 14 I think your child is just too young. The age dynamic between a 14 year old boy and 16 year old girl is, ordinarily, quite extreme emotionally.

as for the food, I’d probably have a chat with him about relationship boundaries more generally; I’d ask for advance notice of their plans for when they plan to be around and need feeding, I would keep things like pasta and super noodles in the cupboard, and with advance notice I would feed her.

You're hardly a mug for giving her a lift and a bowl of soup

This is so sad. I would be worried why she is not at home at all? Is she being abused?

Name change mid thread isn't really the done thing. If you want people to read your posts and advise it makes it harder to find your posts. I missed that you've been driving her home for a month because I did see all OP posts and of course it only showed the ones from the original username.

I was your son's girlfriend. I'm now married to the son and have been for 20 years. I'm so glad and grateful they took me in and made me feel welcome and secure. It certainly changed the course of my life.

This was a nice, normal thing to do- you’re not a mug.

Sounds sensible to have a chat with your son about expectations. If you think she’s not being cared for at home, I would flag with the school.

14-16 is a big age gap. Keep an eye on that as it’s likely they will have different expectations. Her life sounds complex and you need to be sure your son isn’t getting involved over his head.

In all, I think the situation sounds like one that could take more involvement from you rather than less so I wouldn’t worry about being a mug.

Sorry, to add- if you can afford to feed her I would try to keep doing it at least until things are more settled, as well as flagging to school. It really sounds as if she needs support from someone, and your son needs support as well. Step forwards into this rather than back.

Yes I too remember the times when it was obvious to everyone, who had free dinners. But it's different now, at our school they use a fingerprint system for everyone. No-one would know if your parents topped up your account, or you received free meals. She needs to go and get her meals. It's not ops job to feed her, when food is already available for her.

I wanted to give another viewpoint here. When I was about 14 I had a friend (platonic female friend) who started spending every weekend at our house for about a year. It started sporadically but then became a regular thing. She’d come over on Fridays after school and stay, mucking in with the rest of us, until she’d walk home after church on a Sunday. My mum asked her a few questions and suspected her parents were going through a nasty divorce but my friend didn’t want to talk about it, so my mum just carried on feeding and hosting her and she became ‘one of the family’ for a while to the extent that she called my mum ‘Mummy [Deidre]’.

We didn’t realise the full extent of what was going on until much later. Without going into too much detail about someone else’s story, she was essentially fending entirely for herself during the week in very difficult circumstances, with very little food or money. I don’t know how she managed to be so strong for so long. I suspect the weekends at our house saved her, both physically and mentally.

I guess what I’m saying is that you never know what’s going on behind the closed doors of someone else’s house. Of course you are perfectly within your rights to put boundaries in place for this girl who’s at the house every weekend and no one would blame you for that. But I just wonder if perhaps the care you’re giving her is more important than you realise?

I don't see an issue giving her a lift or feed her during the weekend if she is at your house.
I see an issue she refusing to queue for the food at school and the fact your 14 years old spend the full weekend with just her rather to spend it with friends, her and doing other stuff.

The two Frist things are just courtesy, can you cook cheap meals every now and them? Pasta, risotto, veggie soup. There are cheaper than other recipes and the feed quite a lot of people.

The other two things don't seat right under my point of view.

I think you’ve had some great practical responses. Especially re him cooking for her rather than you!

I would also have driven the girl
home, no question about it.

ultimately - is he also getting to spend time with his friends and doing homework?

your son sounds thoughtful and caring :)

You're not being a mug but being very kind to a child who doesn't really have very much.

Just because it rarely works out that way, I don’t think that’s a reason to drive them apart.

myself and DP still studied during this time, saw friends etc. Yes we were so young but being together made us happy. We didn’t fend for ourselves. We lived rent free for years and then started to pay rent at a very low rate when we both worked decent jobs so that we could contribute.

it’s not about playing grown ups, it’s about being supported by a family to do something that makes you happy.

What you are doing is a lovely thing. You do not know that girls background but she is poor enough as to require free school meals. There is a massive stigma to that. Adding one plate extra to a meal for 5 is not going to be a lot. Many a girl, or boy have been saved by families like yours that 'took them in' and treated them as part of the family. It's far better they are hanging out at yours as the alternatives are far worse. Be grateful she is a nice girl and your son is seeing what a lovely family he belongs to.

This.

I was FSM and would avoid eating as the paying process made it obvious I was FSM. It’s so humiliating. A lot of schools now have it discreetly on the finger print system but my school, a top grammar, still to this day uses the same ticket exemption system. Horrible.

Not drive apart – which sounds a bit too Romeo and Juliet tbh, for a pair of teens! But I wouldn't actively put children together as adults (i.e. living together) either if that makes sense? It's just far too intense and enmeshed for what will 90% of the time turn out to be a hormonal fling (yes I know you met your true love but most teen couples break up, if not as teens then at uni/when work starts!)

I'm all too happy to help out a deprived child, but the issue with her moving in is that they (or either of them) may then feel compelled to continue the relationship for her survival – even if it's unhealthy (and I know yours was fine, but tbh most young romantic relationships aren't the healthiest. That's what you learn and grow from).

And this sense of "artificial" commitment may also continue into their young adulthood, forcing them into premature commitments etc.

In my mum's generation, they were big on settling down and committing/marrying early with the first serious relationship that came along, whereas I think you should explore your options and choose wisely. Ironically I did marry my first love, but we always had our own spaces and freedom and lives apart at first.

I think there is a stigma involved still with free school lunches ….even when it’s done discreetly by schools it’s not a nice feeling for the kids. I don’t know the answer to this one as seems OP is stretched as well with extra mouth to feed too … you Judy don’t know what the gf situation is at home .. maybe quite unhappy if she’s never there?

*just ( bloody auto correct!)

i think if they want to see each other maybe encourage them to go out a bit more with friends. Cinema, swimming etc if that is affordable. That way they aren’t eating all your food and you can collect him when he is done. I’m not sure it’s healthy for them to spend all weekend together. Do they see friends individually too. I would definitely stop the taking her lunch to school. I guess some meals are easier to add another person, roast, lasagne etc but not to be expected all the time! Xx

She is an uninvited guest. I really don't know why folk put up with this. Just say to her she needs to live in her own house. In any case your son is only 14. This is not really suitable.

I’d be more worried about the difference in ages, even if your DS is mature for his age. ( please be sure he knows about safe sex/ consent )
I really wouldn’t want this relationship to develop much further given DS is only 14 as it sounds too intense for now. Does he really need the worry of having to think about pleasing her / feeding her ?
It seems a very unbalanced friendship as it stands.

I would have a gentle but serious chat with your boy about exactly how he feels about her. Is it possible she is slightly manipulative ? After all, she has already been bold enough to let on that she isn’t used to boundaries. And he is increasingly bending over backwards to feed her.

Depending on how the chat goes, I would suggest you could tell him that you have been looking at the family budget and the COL means you have to tighten your belts again so that guests for meals have to be by invitation only when the budget allows. And other family members would also like to invite guests occasionally.
You will let him know if he can invite her for dinner on a Friday after school, after which you will drive her safely home, but that for now, you can’t feed her or drive her home over the weekends. If necessary, give him the words to use to explain it all to her, or better still, kindly explain it to her yourself.

Keep him busy with family stuff or with his mates/sports at the weekends.
Could you plan a weekend away to break the pattern?

You are not being a mug with the taxi issues, you are being kind. Although the extra food would get on my nerves too, try to be grateful that your son feels comfortable enough to have her round, and she likes your family. Imagine if your son was spending all weekend somewhere else. If you don’t want her there all weekend, because you want to spend family time with your son, then tell him- girlfriend can’t come over on Sunday afternoon, or must go home by x time etc.

If you change your name, people won't know it's you. You might be anyone pretending to be the OP!
On top of that the nifty blue 'OP posts: See next / See all' functions don't work - many people use that. And people who are watching your thread and have set their notifications to 'OP only' don't realise you've updated the thread. Basically, if you want people to consider all your posts in their reply, you need to stick to the same username for the whole thread.