Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

I could afford to feed an extra mouth without worrying, I understand that might not be your position. I still wouldn't be ok with this set up though. I wouldn't want my 14 year old in a relationship with someone two years older, where he feels responsible for their well-being and if spending that much time together, it's far too intense.

Can you adjust the meal plan to cheaper meals for the weekend so you can feed her too? An extra mouth shouldn't be that much more expensive unless you are really struggling financially. It sounds like things are tough for her.

This.

Insist on her leaving at a reasonable time. That will also give your ds space.

The age difference would be my main concern, there's quite a difference between a 14 yo boy and a 16yo girl....

This could be my dds school that’s being talked about.
your not going to go to get lunch if your the only one, they only get half hour and most of that is spent queuing so they don’t bother. You wouldn’t want to be the only one no matter how hungry you are.
they tend to pool good or not bother.

If he’s year 10 he’s nearly 15?? And she must only just be 16? It’s not a massive age gap really, even at that age.

i think I’d sooner they were at my house, they clearly feel comfortable, and welcome. I think your ds sounds like a lovely young man. I’m not sure I could get that upset about it, if you push them too far away you cause yourself more issues. So being open is maybe a better way

My main worry would be that at 14 yo he feels responsible for looking after a 16 yo gf. This isn't healthy.

I agree. You should be teaching him about boundaries OP.
You don't want him helping everyone as he grows up and being taken advantage of.
(This is basically what's happening).

Have you had the contraception talk with him?

I wouldn’t have wanted my DS to only be seeing his GF if it goes wrong which is likely then he will have alienated himself from other friends. That’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

As much as this girls home life may be difficult, if they are poor enough to get FSM then there may not be much heating or food is it right that he ends up being responsible for her well being. It’s more than just being nice isn’t it.

There's also the situation that he may want to break up with her (in the future) and feels duty-bound to "be her saviour". A very unhealthy dynamic.

Its probably more likely she is embarrassed about free school meals or being poor 😢

Feeding an extra child wouldn’t bother me at all. I have done it many times,

Maybe the girls parent's can buy cheaper food? Shouldn't be that expensive to feed their own child.

Jesus christ. Why should op feed her? Why should her family have less on their plate as per a pp, or lower quality food so op can feed this girl?

Op, just tell her she needs to leave cos you're all about to have your dinner. Since when was that unacceptable to do? When I was a teen, kids were sent home because dinner was being dished up as standard, unlesd invited to stay.

Also, we had manners and would leave when the family were about to sit down, to go to our own houses, to eat our own dinner.

The gf's parents sound like right cf's.

Off topic slightly, but having had 3 teen DDs , none of them at 16 would date a 14yr old boy, dating the year or so below isn't the done thing.

Please don't feel like a mug. It sounds like the girl doesn't have much of a home life.

When my kids were teenagers, we always had a house full. I was single parent on a limited income but never begrudge feeding any of them a simple meal. I'd make a lot of soup or put a casserole in the slow cooker and make it go further by adding dumplings or Yorkshire puddings.

I would be more concerned as to why a 16 year old girl would have any interest in a 14 year old boy (no offence to your son!).

And I don't think it's healthy at his age to get so caught up with his girlfriend. When does he get to hang out with his mates? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me and I wouldn't want my 14ds to be in such an intense relationship at this age.

This is an interesting post which has me wondering what my old school boyfriend’s parents really thought of me. I had a boyfriend most of the way through high school - from end of y10 until I left at sixth form. He was a year younger. I don’t think he ever came to my house. None of my friends did. I had one other boyfriend before him briefly and another for a period when we weren’t together but we got back together later. I spent a lot of time at his. But there was no other reason than we were both in love. My family were fairly well off. Probably similar to his. But my dad had severe mental health issues meaning strangers couldn’t come into the house. My boyfriend’s family fed me several times a week, took me out on day trips to places, even let me stay over in their spare room. I wasn’t manipulating him for food or anything like that. Just that if we wanted to see each other it was to be at his. Or we could hang out with other teens on the streets and parks. I think all the parents preferred we were indoors. we did also hang out with other friends as well not just us two all the time, but we had a larger group of friends.

The fSM situation may or may not be the driving force behind the relationship. But don’t assume that it’s not a genuine relationship.

In my kids school no one really knows who’s on fSM unless they tell their friends. We don’t qualify for fSM despite being low income and on tax credits. The fSM kids have their lunch account credited with a certain amount of money and then they just order what they want at one of the school food stations. Some kids take packed lunches and some buy food so in friend groups there’s a mix. But the lunch queues are awful so of her parents aren’t able to send her in with food I can see why they might not particularly want to wait. My daughter often gets a meal deal and gives her friend the pudding!! lol. It’s cheaper to get the meal deal with the pudding than just a main and a drink. But she doesn’t always like what’s on offer for pudding so shares it out.

I’ve got a group coming for tea this week before they go to sleepover at another child’s. They will never sleep over at mine as my house is too small. My daughter’s friends all seem much better off than we are as a family. We have my part time income only as a single parent family where as all her friends have 2 parents working and all live in fairly large new build houses. But I’ll try and pitch in where I can such as making them all tea this week. We’ve had a few friends for tea over the last year or so but we don’t have any special types of meals. I make the pasta stretch further, offer sandwiches if it’s lunch, or this weeks it’s nuggets and chips which I’ve stocked up on in the freezer. But I hope the lack of offering them to sleep here doesn’t become an issue with the parents as time goes on. They’re welcome in the day, I just get turfed out of the lounge but they won’t be sleeping (lack of space, lack of toilets as we only have the one, and an autistic sibling who wouldn’t cope).

I think it’s lovely OP has been willing to take this girl in for meals so often. If it’s genuinely becoming hard financially then a chat with the son is needed about how free he can be with offering meals and snacks. Maybe ask him to forward plan when she’s coming so you can meal plan together with more budget friendly meals.

I always dated younger boys at school. I didn’t much get in with many people in my year group and found through clubs at school I had more in common with those in the year below. Interestingly also my 14 year old is now best friends with a girl in sixth form. They get on really well. They are very similar. Both autistic and met at an after school club as they have similar things in common. She also has friends in her own year and also years below her. They hang out with people of similar interests rather than age necessarily.

Coming from someone myself who was 14 when I met my DP who was 16 (1 school year apart), I spent A LOT of time at his family home. I would go most evenings for dinner after school and would spend the whole weekend there. I didn’t by any means have a terrible family home, but my DP’s family home was so comforting and I was treated as one of their own. Nothing was ever too much and they were happy to see their DS happy.

DP’s family didn’t have a lot of spare monies and each meal I had was always delicious, nutritious and simple - given they probably felt the strain of feeding somebody else. It wasn’t fillet steak, caviar or any expensive meals at all. I conscientiously didn’t want to overstay my welcome at any time, but I was always offered dinner. If there was an occasion where I wasn’t, I would simply go home which was absolutely fine.

We would both offer to cook for the family which was great as we learned how to cook and as my DP had a weekend job it allowed him to pay for some groceries too.

My (now) MIL to-be would drop me home every single night out of choice, not because I had asked or had no other means of travelling, it’s just what she wanted to do.

When I turned 16 and found an apprenticeship, I moved into DP’s family home, where we lived for 7 years until we purchased our own house together. This in itself was such a blessing as his family willingly allowed us to save as much as we could so that we could purchase our first home.

I understand 14 and 16 sounds extremely young. But they are probably very mature for their age, as I was myself.

I have always and will always be SO grateful DP’s family. Without them, I truly wouldn’t be where I am today. They have given me more support than my own family ever have.

12 years on, we have bought a house and are getting married next year.

Ultimately, the bottom line is is would you like DS to be happy? 1 extra mouth to feed a few nights per week can be accommodated for easily. But boundaries are always important. My FIL to-be set boundaries from very early on - I was welcome any time but I was never allowed
to sleep over in the same room (due to my age) which is of course absolutely fair enough and it was his home and the boundaries were respected.

If the issues is having an extra mouth to feed then perhaps suggest that she comes certain nights per week only? Could you suggest that perhaps DS could go to her family home for dinner too? If there’s a further underlying issue then you also need to address that. But I think your DS would appreciate nothing more than your support (which you obviously do give which I’m sure he is very grateful for) but asking to cut down on visits because of meals doesn’t seem justifiable imo.

Hope this helps :)

Fast forward 20 years and your 34 year old son and his wife still want to hang out at your house rather than her parents. You're winners here. Your son wants to hang out with you, he also sounds kind making his gf lunch. Sounds like you're on to a winner. What's the real issue at play here? Do you not like her? If it is just the money, bulk the weekend lunches out, or cook cheaper meals like huge pasta meals or sausages, mash and veg, bulk meals out with bread, shop smarter and buy things from different places i.e. bulk buy at a wholesale butchers, go to aldi/lidl for some things and more expensive supermarkets for other things. Be happy your home is becoming the heart of your sons (starting) further life. You'll be grateful when you're older and he wants to come visit you often.

What does do say her home is like?

My 16 year old dd ( year 11) seems obsessed with a 14 year old boy ( year 10). They message continuously, his name is on her lips all the time. It seems strange to me but he's quite mature for his age and she isn't and it's only one school year difference. Dd is also on fsm but it's not obvious at school and she doesn't beg food off anyone!
I would have to say something to my dd if I thought she was taking advantage of his parents though in all honesty he's more likely to spend time at mine as his parents seem very controlling.

Think folks are interpreting doesn’t want to queue as can’t be arsed vs doesn’t want to be seen in queue… neither of ours like school food so take pack ups, don’t waste time in queue, want to hang down the field, take what’s in (don’t mention the vegan phase 🤯) fashion etc … they know who the handful of fsm cases who eat with the younger kids are - they know they are expected to be kind but I’m not sure it doesn’t translate to pity/charity - one of ours delights in offloading stuff he’s not keen on on a fsm mate who’ll eats anything offered (apparently only the fsm case ate my wholemeal muffin) - I tend to add in more than necessary and feel virtuous that my child had a banana (he’s never voluntarily touched a piece of fruit in his life but the banana never comes home). We had one kid he picked up as a mate who smelt really bad I used to spontaneously pay to take them swimming and lend trunks and a couple of times accidentally splashed his uniform at tea with spaghetti Bol sauce as an excuse to shove through washing machine.

Name change fail @SalTtt :)

I think it’s a difficult one but your son sounds lovely and as a FSM child when at high school we had to queue up got a yellow tocken that could only be used on certain items I sympathise with her.
i don’t think the age gap is a big thing at all there is only one school year between them.
you do need to decide what action you want going forward it’s no good is all telling you what we would do as we are not you.
personally and my son is older he’s 19 she’s 17 (one school year) and she prefers coming to ours and I’m fine but one day Saturday/Sunday and if a Saturday he cooks as we have either takeaway or eat out we occasionally invite them