Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

I've posted on similar threads where families have had this sort of issue.
I had an overbearing friend who was older when I was similar age to your son and I really needed the adults in my life to take control of the situation- but they didn't. My 'friend' used to hang around for the whole weekend too. Hopefully your sons close friend is not a bad influence like mine was - but it will be claustrophobic, whether he recognises that now or not.
It's a shame for her if her home situation is tough, but your 14 year old shouldn't have anything more than a pet depending on him.
This influence now could really affect your sons mindset toward everything, including work/studies and therefore options later on. It absolutely did in my case.
He should be mixing with lots of different friends and trying different hobbies/activities at the weekends - basically developing himself.

Looking back my son was the youngest in his year and girlfriend was oldest in her year . She was a year above. I never even thought about feeding her or any of my other children’s partners. It costs pennies to feed an extra person.
I was always reassured that our children and partners came to our house and enjoyed our company .

Ask her to bring stuff, a bag of spuds, a few loaves of bread, whatever helps fatten out the menu while she is there. She can bring it from home.

I'm glad you replied with your story @Snouk22 as I was thinking how lovely it would be if the two of them ended up together for years and op turned out to be mil, how nice it would be if the gf had stories like 'when I would spend all weekend at mil house she always had a place set, food ready and made me part of the family from young age'
My cousin met her dh a bit older but they have stories like this and it's beautiful how much of a family they all are

If it doesn't seem like the gf is going anywhere any time soon then I'd just make a mental note on Friday-Sunday for dinner it's it's family +1, cook for that, no stress or drama just expect she will be there and shout them when it's ready

Just be nice to her and make her feel welcome. Easy. Maybe then it won't feel like she is imposing

I think there are lots of factors here.

Do DS and gf spend all their time in his room and only join you for meals, or is she integrating into your family? Do you have a decent relationship with her or is she still very much a stranger to you?

Have you spoken to DS and asked why they are always at your house, and don't hang out at hers ever?

If it's a budget issue you need to explain to DS that you can't afford to feed her as much as you currently are doing.

Are they both up to date with all their school work and so on?

Discuss contraception with him. Make sure there are condoms available because teens often struggle with abstinence. Don't be naive, if they are a couple they are sexually active in some capacity, otherwise they would just be best mates.

I think the age gap at their ages is significant - your son is 14 and she is 16. To be honest it was a long time ago but I can't imagine me or any of my friends at 16 years old being prepared to go out with a 14 year old. In fact, my son told me he really liked his friend's sister but she was two years younger so it would be inappropriate to ask her out.

I see nothing but a world of trouble ahead if he continues to be so enmeshed with this girl. Given she is 16, do you think they are having sex? You certainly don't want to find that she is pregnant and proposing to keep the baby and expecting your 14 year old son to step up as dad. She does seem to have a rather entitled streak. At 16 I would have been deeply embarrassed about inviting myself to dinner at somebody else's place once let alone on a regular basis.

I am sorry but my job is look out for my child's interests, not somebody else's. I think you can introduce some rules about time for study and her not monopolising your family's' and your son's weekends. Can your husband take your son away for a weekend - sporting event or something manly - and she doesn't go with them? Hopefully the relationship burns itself out with no lasting consequences.

I do think a 16 year old dating a 14 year does require some extra oversight tbh and would be worried she's doing this because she needs somewhere to eat/be on the weekends.

I think keep them in eyesight and encourage low cost high carb snacks and lots of lentil base dinners.

Send her home after two hours. And stipulate one girl
friend free day each weekend. That is enough for your young son to cope with.
Be nice and drive her home.
Family meals are crucial in communication so you need some of those without guests.
One lunch and one dinner per weekend is ample.

The lunchtime thing is unfair and making use of your son.
I suggest you and DS cook with girlfriend for one of those visits during the weekend and teach her how to make a frittata to last for three lunches, or a salad for her lunch box.
Discuss that you've noticed she needs help with preparing her lunch. Teach her how you make a sandwich etc.

Skill her up rather than providing her food. State that she's old enough to supply her own lunches if she won't wait in the line.

Sometimes an older girl dates a younger boy as it is less threatening and there is less expectation she will have to have sex with him (teacher for 24+ years so seen most things!). Also kids see years not actual ages so to her he will just be the year below.

She sounds vulnerable. Lay your table and feed her OP, but perhaps say that Sunday is family night. My mum used to feed a friend of mine who still to this day is in contact with her and claims she showed him what a family should be like.

The NHS says that condoms have a 2% failure rate with ideal use but in the real world, they have a 15% failure rate due to user error etc. Given those odds, I'd be very concerned about pregnancy since I feel a 14 year old is going to be more in the 15% category due to inexperience and so on. I might be old fashioned but I don't think 14 year olds are prepared for the consequence of being sexually active. As the mother of a son, I'd be dubious of her saying she is on the pill as I have certainly seen it happen that the girl concerned was not on the pill as she assured her boyfriend she was. (I have no idea why either.) In that case a very resentful teenage father was expected to step up.

She may be embarrassed to wait in the queue for a free school meal.
It sounds like she is vulnerable and doesn't have a great home life. My feeling is she needs support. I would try and chat to her without embarrassing her to find out exactly what is going on. It sounds like she comes from a very poor background with not much family life.
She may not be using your son but may find stability in him.
I do understand that you want to relieve some pressure that the relationship may be causing your son as he is very young. I don't know that I'd have the heart to turn her away if I am honest.

Agree with all of this.

I also think it’s a bit too much for her to be at your house all weekend.

-At 16 she could get a job
-Is your DS still able to do other hobbies and see other friends?

In case it's of any relevance, I asked my 22 year old son if when he was 14 he would have gone out with a 16 year old girl. The answer was an emphatic and unhesitating "no".

I hope you don’t teach grammar.

It doesn’t happen often but it does happen. Dd is year 11, 15 and briefly dated a boy, whose previous gf was in the year above. Dd said their relationship lasted for about 5 months. He was year 11, August birth and she was year 12. She was 17, him 15.

As for the topic, I think your ds seeing the girl so often is quite intense. She should now be studying for her exams. If you could get them into the studying mindset, I’d consider having her over a fair amount and make your ds responsible for feeding her cheap meals as already suggested. He should also be seeing his mates. I would see taking her home as something you’d have to do anyway if you were collecting her. It sounds like a PIA.

We had similar with a friend in lockdown, who spent practically the whole summer in our garden one year. We also used to feed and drive her home as well. They never fed dd beyond half a budget pizza, would eat takeaways in front of dd. Basic thank you texts from the mum.

You’re letting it annoy you, but what you’re doing is a nice thing, that your son (and her)will remember for a long time to come, even if they don’t realise now.

Also, it’s not that she doesn’t want to queue at lunch, it’s that she’d have to do it without her friends.

they are probably very mature for their age, as I was myself.

@Snouk22 Your story about moving in together permanently as teens is genuinely lovely and romantic but it rarely works out that way. More teens break up than stick together I'd say, and even if they stick together from a young age it might be a toxic and enmeshed kind of situation.

At 16 and as a young adult, I don't want my child to be "mature for their age"... It's more age-appropriate for them to be freely dating, studying, exploring and living their life – not be 2 children living together playing grown-up and fending for themselves in a way.

Is a few meals a week really that expensive for you? 3 half days also isn't that intense for teen couples, who are mostly joint at the hip! And giving your son's gf regular lifts is totally reasonable imo.

That said if she's actually depending on your DS/your family for necessities, that sounds worrying. He's a teen boy, not a married man. Maybe you can gently shift the focus to studies, clubs, hanging out with his other friends as well, etc. Or, since you're giving her a ride, why not say you can only do it earlier for some reason (eg have a call at 8/9pm, prefer not to drive in the dark, etc), to nicely encourage her to go back before dinner on the weekends?

I came from a low income background and from when I was 15, I worked weekends to pay for my own clothes/toiletries/transport costs and to contribute to the family income.

The only option for this 16 year old isn’t for OP to provide food for her every weekend.

For the food aspect I wouldn't begrudge that, but I'm a teacher and have worked with lots of kids who have fsm and some of them have shockingly incompetant parents so I would feel quite sorry for her. I'd just buy some cheaper meals, maybe leave them a pasta bake or jacket potatoes and beans and treat myself and dh to something else or a meal out or something.

As others have said, though I would be worried about such an intense relationship too. Does your ds do sports and activities on a weekend or go out with his mates at all? If he doesn't have regular hobbies it's probably a bit late to introduce them but you could maybe arrange a father and son outing on a weekend that could start to break up the habit of them spending the whole weekend together. Maybe a bike ride, go to watch a football match or something, or some visiting family days out that don't include the girlfriend if you have any local?

@Agapornis I am completely new to Mumsnet and still deciding on my username. Quite like the fact that I can change it so easily so maybe I'll change it again... not sure what the issue is?

@lljkk I'm not sure why I would fabricate any of this? It's a genuine situation.

Taking her home in the dark is not you being a mug. It is the right thing to do.

It sounds like she might come from a deprived home and your son is being very kind to take her lunch. It obviously means they can spend more time together at lunch. For me the issue would be the expectation she can stay all that time plus it's a lot. However, having said that I want my children to feel they can bring friends round and I love to cook so everyone is welcome whenever they want to come. One weekend my son came home to help me, brought his girlfriend and I bought her train ticket and as we went out for dinner with friends I paid for her too. If you are struggling to pay then you have to put a limit on when she is there.

Like others have said, my main concern here is that they spent so much time toguether as a couple just hanging around in a house.
Don't they have other friends or interests?
If she has so much spare time an no money, she is old enough to get a part-time job.
I would be having a word with my son about how life works and expectations.