Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

christ. is feeding her really putting that much of a strain on you financially? or is it more the ‘principle’? she’s a child still and if she’s polite and accepts meals with a thankyou and uses manners etc and doesn’t demand things, please just have a think whether you’re being a bit, well, tight.

if your son was round her house, i’m sure he would get fed too? maybe see if that’s an option, have you met her mum?

and the ‘taxi service’ comment…euurghhh you remind me just of my mother who would do things ‘in good faith’ and then complain bitterly about it afterward. just don’t offer if you’re feeling put out by it. she didn’t ask you i assume?

you sound like you’re struggling a bit financially maybe your son is eligible for FSM and they can queue together.

I think them spending so much time together isn’t ideal when he is 14. She’s bound to have more freedom as she is 16.
Id be suggesting that visits are cut down a bit that she doesn’t come on a Saturday or a Sunday and do a family something with ds instead

The more posts I read the worse it sounds, this girl is a scrounger aided and abetted by her family. This is not your problem. Send her back to her family.

This

Sounds like she’s around 18 months older than him, I think it’s a lot at that age. I also think spending all weekend at yours is too much.

Just tell them, honestly I used to fanny around like this when DS got his first GF at that age, not wanting to cause offence and be liked. Just tell them they need to split weekends, one day at hers and one at yours. Those are the rules.

A 14 year old feeling this much responsibility for a girlfriend. No.

Re: queuing for school dinners - schools have had electronic systems in place for some time and these don't flag up who is on FSM and who isn't, so I'd be surprised if the girlfriend has embarrassment issues about it. Hazarding a guess, it's more that she can't be arsed and/or it limits her time with her bf!

OP do you have other children, how does this impact them and family life in general? That would be my concern. Weekends are my downtime, a stranger in the home changes that dynamic. Sounds like she would benefit from a Saturday job, she'd have money and something to keep her occupied. Agree with pp, it's too much and I would be encouraging/insisting on DS spending time doing other things, seeing other friends.

Involved? What, with soup?
They're not exactly planning the wedding.

Nasty post. She says they're feeling the strain.

I like your mean little jibe about FSM at the end clearly implying the OP would be ashamed of her son getting them. I imagine if it was an option she'd be aware.

For the PP saying he's 14 and she'd 16. It is more than likely that he is turning 15 shortly, and that she has just turned 16. They are only one academic year between them and most likely only just over a year.

How do you know?

You sound lovely but yes the gf is being cheeky. Definitely have a word with your son. She definitely seems to be calling the shots already.

I would continue doing it because you know where they are, they're safe and fed.
At this age with a girlfriend, you either have them at yours or they go and hang out elsewhere or at hers where you know even less.
I think cost of meals is a thing, so maybe chat to your son about being more frugal with offerings and to not just assume. I think buy cheaper snack things for the weekend maybe, or do cheaper meals, but the idea of family time at the weekend - that stuff does change when they become teenagers.

Kids in the same cohort consider themselves to be the same age regardless of whether they are born on 1st September or 31st August. It is possible she is almost 2 years older and it is possible she is just over a year older. Regardless, she’s only one school year higher.

This is your get out. For the next few weeks anyway until the evenings get lighter.
”It’s getting dark, cup of tea before you leave so that you get home before dark?”

(though we all travel about on foot and public transport after dark.. I guess it depends where you live, lanes without pavements etc)

A lot of assumptions there, especially after all of the posts on here explaining how they were saved or saved someone else from having a miserable childhood.

you need to discuss with your DS. I would guess he either doesn't understand what you have described here (strain on finances, extra person at home when you would like to relax with family ,etc.) and/or he can't tell her leave; she is clearly very comfortable being in your home for the whole weekend. Do her parents not care? I find that odd....

Is it just me or is 14 wayyy too young to be having his girlfriend hanging out in his house? I’d never have dreamed of that at that age, I also think it seems like he’s taking on a lot here and I honestly wouldn’t be supporting/fostering such a mature situation. She could fall pregnant and wouldn’t be a massive shock if she’s been in his that much (aware this could happen anywhere but you know what I mean)

I would continue to feed her but would maybe drop hints and say things like ‘I hope your mum is not worried or upset about you spending so much time here, she must miss seeing you every weekend.’ In the hope she realises that she might be over-staying her welcome.

If she's on FSM she has a family income of under £7k. As well as being a teenager and no doubt besotted with your son I suspect that she is also round yours because it's warm, safe and food is readily available which might not be the case at home. Teenagers in that situation are very aware that 'things aren't right' at home and will often cover up what is actually happening.

Whilst it's not your responsibility to care for her I personally would try look after her a little bit. Maybe come up with some boundaries e.g. the hours that she can visit etc so you feel comfortable too. Perhaps there are some chores she could help out with alongside your son that would make the situation feel more 2 sided for you.

Either way I think it sounds like you've raised a kind son.

Regarding FSM, at my children’s school all kids queue, choose their food and then use their fingerprint to pay. Either it is logged as FSM or comes from the online payments parents have to set up. So nobody will know.

I would perhaps leave one weekend day free but other than that, if it isn't a massive strain then I would just have cheaper food available such as pasta, jacket potatoes, cheese on toast etc so that it isn't costing too much financially.

If she qualifies for FSM, this means that her family income is tiny. It's no wonder she prefers to be at your house which is likely bigger, warmer and has more food.

You're doing a really kind thing.

and no-one would bat an eyelid if he was 16 and her 14.

Personally I'd prefer for them to be at my house, and feeding one more makes so so little difference. A Bolognese for 5 or 6 is neither here nor there, etc.

It's hard without seeing in person but if I give her the benefit of the doubt, she comes to yours because it is warmer, safer and she gets fed better. Hopefully she also genuinely likes your son.

What do you feel she brings? If your son's well-being is improved then OK, but often these relationships can dominate teen life.Assuming your son is doing GCSEs he needs to be revising. Is she a distraction. If so, this might be a good way in. Perhaps suggest he has one afternoon/evening with her a weekend. This means toy can plan for meals for that one day too.