Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

[tearinghairout]

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

I hope my post doesn't come over as judgemental at all. I haven't got daughters, just two very young boys, and I wouldn't have a clue what to do in this situation. My Mum kept my knickers on me by scaring me from a VERY young age about boys going off girls immediately after shagging them! Not perfect.

I agree it really doesn't sound like she had sex, btw. Not even close.

Tearinghairout, I'm going through very similar at the moment with my daughter and she is only 13. We've always discussed sex and relationships etc very openly, as I was only 16 when I fell pregnant to an older and controlling man. (My parents were very strict and sex was a taboo subject in our house. I didnt want to make the same mistakes.)
Now my daughter has been going out with a boy since December and has informed me today that she has been to connect to sign up for a card, so she can access free contraceptive!!! I know in my heart that this is a good idea and she is being very sensible but can't stop the fact that my heart stops with fear every time I imagine my little girl taking such a massive step at such a young age. My daughter has told me that she isnt ready to have sex yet, but I cant help but wonder why shes going through the embarrasment (surely it is at this age) of going through an interview with the connect advisor, and giving all of her details, if she isnt going to follow it up with the actual act.
Now I'm wondering whether I've been too open with her and given her the idea that it would be fine, just because I dont get hysterical every time sex is mentioned.
I know exactly what my reaction would be if I was reading this post, that she has been honest up to now and I should trust her....But the fear is making me ill!!! I just want to lock her in her room and crumble the pill onto her cornflakes for the next 10 years.

I cant believe you read her diary, it may have been a kiss!

Having to force youself to talk to her about sex at 14 is mad, you need to talk to her about it and make sure she cares about herself enough to only do it when she wants to and is ready and that she protects herself from STDs and pregnancy, its not the schools responsability, it's yours, don't just leave it there!

I relise it sounds like i'm saying 'your a bad mother', but i'm not, we just all seem to have forgot how it felt to be 14, my hormones were raging and sex was pretty much all I thought about.

i am surprised so young tbh

Having a dd around this age she is like a little girl

her friends look older but apart from vile mood swings she is no where near puberty

All she thinks about is make-up - clothes - her baby siblings and who has fallen out with who at school.

SEX is not on her radar and she will be 14 in a few months

But not all 14 year olds are like yours, PaulaYates (although it would be nice if they were)

At 14, I was 5'2 and had 36 D breasts. Hardly a child!

i know that theantiflounce but just trying to balancce the scales a bit here

( nb i would love those boobs now!!)

Am back! Thanks again for all your views. To answer your point, Paula - sex was not on DDs radar either until Valentine's Day, or rather boys weren't, but this lad sent her a rose on 14/2 & note saying he loved her, which she showed me by the way; she seemed amazed. Before that I had no inkling at all that she & her close friends had any thoughts about boys, her fave band is Girls Aloud! Now he texts her at night to say goodnight, and she's told me, and no, I haven't looked.

I've come to the conclusion that I am looking at this through adult-relationship eyes, and reading too mush into it. She has never been to his house; he hasn't been here since he & DS stopped hanging around together, last summer. She's met him in town & went to the cinema once, to my knowledge. She was back home at 6.00. (Not saying you can't have sex before 6.00, just that she's not seeing him much outside school, or in the evenings.)

SO, I think you're right - it was a snog, or some sort of fondle, that's all. It's not logical that she went from tentative hug to full-on sex in the Youth Club carpark in a matter of days. Thanks to those who pointed this out, for bringing me to my senses. But he has had more from a previous gf, (allegedly) so sex is a possibilty & I've got to tackle the subject. Will use the durex-google as an angle.

Incidentally, the reason that I haven't tackled this subject much is that they have it shoved down their throats (so to speak) at school, in PSHE, and at Youth Club too. I have a friend who's a TA for this agegroup who says it horrifies her that all dch are taught, at 13 or so, the works, including how to 'pleasure' each other without having full sex. In her opinion some might be ready for this info, but others (mostly the boys) are too immature & sit at the back giggling.

They arm them with all this knowledge about adult relationships, & then tell them not to feel pressured etc. It's like teaching someone how to drive a car, but then saying 'You now know how to drive but you can still get the bus for the next three years'. Not saying that there shouldn't be education, just that it does seem to be everywhere & cover everything. (DS is less 'private' than DD & he tells me everything they learn; they are in the same class.)

Spidermama, am mortified I've offended you. I've liked your posts in the past . I know the snooping is wrong.

Beautiful - thanks for the idea of the book. I hadn't thought of that. I'll look into it.

i remember when i had my first boyfriend when i was 16 and woke up 3 mornings in a row being sick. my mum assunmed i was pregnant and made a big fuss. we hadn't done more than kiss at the time but we split soon after that cos i felt it wasn't worth the hassle. turned out i had apendicitis but the damage was done. 15 years and 2 kids later i still don't get on with my mum and find it hard to talk to her. DSD1 is 15 and a terrible flirt but i have bought her and DSD2(13) condoms and showed them how to use them. tbh i worry more about DSD2 cos she's very naive and secretive. DS is only 10 but i'm already thinking of how to approach the whole thing. DH assures me that boys of that age are all talk and i remember what it was like at school but i'll still do what i can to make sure they're safe.

i'll prob get shot down for saying this but age is irrelevant in some ways. my sis is 25 and is far more naive than DSD1

Reading too much into it - in vino veritas...

There've been a lot of good points on here.

My own experience with my mum was not good in this area. Duo - aren't you afraid of encouraging them, considering they get 'taught' it anyway? Things have changed since we were dch, more info, yet we still have the highest pg rate in Europe, oft quoted statistic that doesn't change despite how much info they're given.

I was taught 'sex before marriage is wrong' so I ended up getting married at 18 - big mistake. I've tried hard to strike a balance with my dch, but dd is a bit secretive, unfortunately.

'You now know how to drive but you can still get the bus for the next three years'.

Yes! That's the perfect analogy!

Well, I'm going to knock off now (see, once you start talking about it, sex gets everywhere!)

Thanks to you all, I really appreciate this. (sways)

I (hic) love you all, you're my besh frens (hic)

Easter eggs tommorrow - YEAH!!!

maybe so but at the moment i'm going with i can't stop them so i'd rather they had everything they can have to help them. plus i believe that the more the less they want to do it. cummon, if you were 14 and hadn't done any thing would the whole grossness put you off?? i always tell them that they'll be ready when the can talk about it without being embarrased and it's working so far. DSD1 talks about stuff with a good friend of mine and my friend tends to fill me in on anything major. as i said it's DSD2 who worries me cos she believes everything that she's told.

soz meant the more they know the less they'll want to do it. oh and the whole grossness not put you off. must remember to put down glass of wine when typing DH came home from footy match with DSD1 and told me that she had been asked out on a date by a guy 5yrs older than her. while he was silently seething and trying not to jump out and tell the chap where to go, she calmly told him that she was too young and wouldn't go out with anyone her dad wouldn't approve of. (DSD1 didn't know DH was on the other side of the wall wigging.)you've never seen a happier man

Message withdrawn

iCod - After a fashion.

Thanks icod sweetie.

I know now that I jumped to a conclusion & read something into it that (I hope) isn't true. But (almost) everyone here has helped me A LOT - which is what MN is for, no?

The comment from someone that it's all very well with finding stuff out but what do you do with the info? is very appropriate here.

I've come to the conclusion that the answer here is dialogue, and, as someone else has said, I can't let her get away with 'We talk about that stuff at school' but will have to have a Proper Talk very soon. This is hard for me, given my own upbringing, experience & (lack of ) parental involvement, instilled guilt etc. So it's meant a whole new mindset, mind being opened up to new ways of thinking, and for that I thank everyone who's contributed. Especially illuminating are those who've told what happened to them, and convinced me that how I handle this now will be critical to my future relationship with her. It's good to hear that some of you have had loving and positive sexual experiences that started 'early'.

I won't be looking in her diary again.

Not read the full thread - but it sounds likea blow job or hand job tbh. That is what is most likely to happen outside the youth club - well it did when we I was 14. The full thing is not exactly easy to negotiate behind the bike shed when you are practiced, never mind a first timer.

Seriously, you need to stop reading her diary. It is a gross invasion of privacy, not to mention 'people who listen at closed doors will hear things they don't want to....'

Leaving aside the diary thing - you need to have a good talk to her about contraception, STDs, pregnancy etc, and that experimenting can be fun - but only if you are doing it because you want to, and not to impress a boy or something.

oMG - not read whole thread but my dd is 13.5.....and her best mates brother is 15 and she really likes him.

Oh i wish she wrote a diary....

I'm really sorry, but you shouldn't read other people's diaries, you really shouldn't.

My aunt did this to my cousin who worked out what had happened and started writing things like "I hate my mum", "I despise mum" etc to punish her.

They've never got over, and cousin is now in her 50s.

Tearinghearout- there was an interesting article about teenagers and sex in the Sunday Times colour supplement on Easter SUnday (by Victoria Gill iirc).

Oh Tearinghairout,haven't read the whole thread but i know exactly how you feel.

My ds1 and his gf are 16.6 and 16 and have been in a relationship since they were 14.6 and 14 years old.

He was taken on holiday by her family(shared a room with her dad and brother) and managed somehow to have sex twice when they were away. Once with condoms and once without(daft bugger oly took one)

He told me when they came back as he was worried that he had got her pg. I helped them visit the FP clinic for condoms. His gf now has the implant and while i would rather they had both waited i would rather they are sensible and looking after one another.

Haven't read the whole thread, but one thought: does she have another adult she can also talk to about this? I think it's great that you're planning a proper discussion with her, but there may still be stuff she doesn't feel happy talking to you about. If there is someone (an aunt, godmother, friend of the family, youth club person?), could you say something like 'I appreciate that you might not want to talk to me about some stuff, but would you talk to X instead?' Just so she can get an adult perspective rather than half-truths from her friends. You could also reassure her that X wouldn't pass any info on to you.

Not sure what the position is re: her GP - can she talk to a doctor in complete confidence at 14?

Not saying that you aren't enough guidance for her, but it can be really helpful to have another adult to talk about this stuff with.