Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

[tearinghairout]

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

Hear, hear, MMJ.

I don't think it is a done deal that children will rebel from strict parents either. I think most teens with strict parents will just accept it and be quite candid with their friends about it ("I am not allowed to blah blah blah"). Much better this than to be walking the streets with no one worrying about you.

The most important thing for young people is to have adults who care about them, and take an interest in their lives. This does not mean letting them get into situations where they will get hurt, or turning a blind eye. It means taking control if and when it is necessary.

The reading of diaries does not have to be a covert activity. Although my kids are not diary writers, I am quite open about emails, etc.

As a teacher of 27 14-year old girls, I can safely say that not one of them is ready for a sexual relationship. The more precocious ones (those with boyfriends) are probably at the bottom of the readiness pile. I am pretty clear with them about how I feel about their antics, but they do continue to tell me what they get up to at weekends, so I think I am pitching it fairly well.

sorry I am phrasing things HIDEOUSLY in attempt to get my ideas out

I don't know the answer to the drawing the line question and I can't speak for anyone else but I do remember being a teenager and I do know that saying "don't do it" wouldn't have stopped me. And I bet it wouldn't stop plenty of teenagers today either.

highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe in the UK IIRC

themildmanneredjanitor

I just dont think that is going to work.
Had my mum sat me down and said that, it would not made any difference what so ever. Why? Because I suspect most teenagers know already that having sex at that age is wrong, and that their parents dont want them to.

tmmj, She would've had sex no matter what they ahd said to her, she felt ready, she was 'in love' and wanted to sleep with her boyfriend.

If her mum hadn't reacted the way she did she would've probably had sex at some party in a spare room possibly without contraception/protection from STI's.

The conversations with her mum and the actual arrangements of it all weren't immediate either, they discussed it, all of it, and every feeling she would possibly have both before and after sex for about six months before it happened, his parents were also aware and he spoke to his mum in depth.

By treating them like adults they behaved like adults and waited longer than they probably would've done without the 'talks'.

I can't comment too much as I only have a lo. I remember my mum saying to me that "once you've done it, it's hard to go back to holding hands". It didn't mean so much to me at the time but made a lot of sense as I got older and started new relationships.

I really feel for the OP, but talking a lot and getting your dd to trust you surely is the way to go what ever you choose to advise her. That is kind of the point, unless you never let her out of your site inc at school you can only advise and hope she has listened. Good luck, it's a tricky position.

personally i am 29 and 14 - 15 was the time that me and friends started to experiment sexually. its going to happen i am afraid and putting myself in your daughters shoes i would be horrified if i knew my mom had read by diary. i avoided writing anything down that was in any way incriminating and actually used a code! i kept a list of who i had done what with in code, which sadly i cannot understand now.

i think the best you can do is provide her with full and candid information about how to do it safely.

my mom was woefully neglectful in this area and i can still remember sitting on a bed trying to work out if the tear was high up the condom it was ok to use! and it was out of date!!!! as it was i decided not too - thankfully but that was only through my limted common sense and what i had read in magazines.

Girls/young women are reaching puberty, starting their periods and growing breasts at a younger and younger age. Yet we still persist with this magic age 16.

Who cares whether she is 14, 16 or 18. Is she OK? Is she taking care of herself? Can she talk to you if she needs to?

If she wanted advice/permission with contraception are you on her side. If she fell pregnant by accident could she come to you for advice?

I don't think you should tell her you have read her diary. It will destroy her trust.

and i just want to clarify i dont think it is wrong per se to read her diary as it has given you a heads up about the situation but i personally would not tell her you have read it as this could be much more damaging

While reading what you say she has written in her diary I personally wouldn't think she has had sex I think that only you know your daughter best, some 14 y/o are ready, emotionally, physically etc for a sexual relationship, some aren't.

If she is generally quite mature for her age, sensible and happy with good self esteem and she likes this guy then maybe its not necessarily going to be a bad thing if she does sleep with him.
One of my closest friends was still a virgin upon starting university, she was so desperate not to be she had a drunken one night stand which she deeply regreted afterwards. I think I'd rather my daughters lost their virginity at 14 to a boyfriend who is also a close friend than at 18/19 to a total stranger.

Then again if she isn't emotionally or physically ready it is important she doesn't feel the need to do the deed.
I was quite mature for my age at 14, I was already in the first year of my A levels at boarding school and I 'lost it' to a boyfriend with whom I'm still close friends today. However while I was emotionally ready I physically wasn't, I hadn't started my periods and it was not a comfortable experience, I was lucky, he was a lovely guy and everything worked out.

Physical and emotional maturity aren't linked, Swedes.

I foster teenage girls and we were all taught on our course not to invade their privacy as usually their privacy (physically and emotionally) has been invaded before in many ways.

I think your relationship needs work if you only talked about sex with her a couple of weeks ago (too late and should be part of everyday conversation and not a taboo imo), if she tends to be secretive with you (maybe she senses your disapproval?) and you are 'sickened' by her exploring her sexuality in some way.

I know what I've written may sound harsh but I think your going about this in the wrong way. I can totally get the temptation to read a child's diary but you can't get away from the fact that this is not the way you should be finding out your daughter is sexually active - please try and see this as an opportunity to encourage more openness from her.

I think swedes is right in one respect.
Of course age is important but nothing suddenly magically changes at 16 to make someone 'ready', some people will be ready before some not for years to come.
I think that was the point she was tryign to make.

tearinghairout - I have a dd (14.5). She's not a big diary writer but if she was I'd probably be furtively reading whilst knowing it was a Bad Thing. I read their (I have 3 teens) MSN messages if they leave the window open and I check the google history on a regular basis.

FWIW I agree that she's probably not yet had sex; I think things have taken a step that way though and she's probably feeling pressured by what happened with the previous GF (if it's even true) It's a really tough situation. Hard to keep them safe without unwittingly condoning underage sexual activity; have a chat, make it absolutely clear that you think it's inadvisable but that she needs to be safe if that's the way she's going to go. Sympathy.

I think the issue about the x-gf needs to be raised during a Talk, but that's going to be hard without letting on that you have read the diary.
Maybe say something like 'are you still a virgin' and then ask if he is, going on to explain that maybe his x-gf is feeling a bit silly about sleepign with him now as she probably felt similar to the way your DD does now and is no longer with him etc

I had sex for the first time about 3 days after my 16th birthday as I had an over-heightened sense of drama and didn't like the idea that my boyfriend who was 18 at the time might get sent to prison. To be honest there wasn't that much difference between the pre-birthday activities and the post birthday activities! I was emotionally and physically sexual before that magic birthday - just not to the extent of having penetrative sex.

Are you kidding ST? I had the strictest parents out of all my friends, and was the first to lose my virginity - they didn't know about it, they'd have grounded me forever!

It happened on the way home from school, so believe me, unless you are going to mistreat your 14 year old by allowing them no privacy whatsoever, they will do it when they want to, not when you think they should. They could do it in their lunch break at school, if they wanted to. Don't make it a power issue, and don't pretend it can't possibly happen.

For God's sake do not tell her you read her diary. She might go into a rebellious retaliation phase which could be far worse than the present situation. Keep trying to talk to her about sex and particularly about her self worth and that she should value herself and her body very highly. I would even contemplate talking to the boyfriend to make sure he know of your fears and is certain that you take a dim view of illegal activity. I think you have to be quite proactive in these kind of matters otherwise teenagers go with the flow...

I think you should just tell her you saw the google search but don't mention teh diary reading!I would be concerned too mainly about pregnancy and infections but not about the physicality which is par for teh course with teenagers I'm afraid.But you do need to talk to her because anything could happen now that shes crossed that line and if she is using condoms she needs to be using them properly as they are not fail safe unless correctly used.I know this is hard to face and she is your little girl but its not as hard to deal with as a baby or chlamyddia.TALK TALK TALK

I just asked my 15 yo DD who is quite sensible. She says ..like your DH that it might mean anything. Most NB don't sit her down and preach, but tell her very openly that if/when/once she starts to have sex you really would like her to talk to you so that you can help with advice and contraception. If she is definitely having sex your main priority is her safety. You can let her know that you would have preferred it if she waited because in your mind she is your little girl, but you must also let her realise you respect her growing up.

I realise you left the thread aged ago....just thought i would give you the teenage angle. And DO NOT admit you went through the diary (My DD is adamant about that. You will completely lose her trust)... use the durex search as your foot in the door.... this according to my DD

Also... ask her to tell you what they get taught at school... it might be really interesting and provide a good opening.

When I was 15 I met an 18year old who I fell in love with. About 9 months after meeting him we decided to have sex after a build up of lots of tother activities . I sorted myself out with the pill and felt very happy about it all. I was 16 by then and doing A levels after having done very well at GCSE and being an all round sensible sort of girl.

My snooping mother found my pills and went absolutely mental. She was furious and her and my father were clear that they were disgusted in my behaviour. They were horrible to my boyfriend and made my life miserable. They continued to allow me to see him but made things very difficult.

This did not stop us from having sex and neither did it make me end my relationship. In fact the knowledge that my parents disapproved made me continue to see him and eventually marry him at 21.

Now my parents were right, he wasn't the man for me, he was too quiet and introverted. We divorced after a couple of years of marriage in what was a very painful time for all involved. BUT if my parents had been supportive of our relationship early on I think it would have just fizzled out. My determination to rebel against my parents claustrophobically controlling behaviour by continuing to be with him had awful results.

I would strongly urge anyone to keep open lines of communication with teenagers, try to give them the knowledge, info and skills to think through their decisions and be there for them if the shit does hit the fan but don't try to control their lives as it will ime backfire dreadfully.