Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

[tearinghairout]

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

I am most certainly NOT niave, my DD1 is 17, and i have made many mistakes with her. So i am not niave, i am experienced. I dont want to be her best friend, i want to be her mum - i was too strict - she moved out

Fo all of you digging at science teacher I for one DO have a teenage daughter and agree whole heartedly with her posts

I read my daughters diary and I do it for her own good

My friend was referred to a behavioural psychologist in the states who asked her if she read her daughters diary

He ADVISED it

I want to know what my daughter is up to and what she feels
By reading her diary/jotter thing I have found out things i did NOT want to know and would have been far more content not to know but it is not my job to blithely sail through life in blissful ignorance of her misdemeanors. Tempatation is there for teenage girls nowadays in one form or another. Of course it was in our day and of course I know what hormones do to a girl..

I am a frustrated hippy at heart and would like to say live and let live but 14 is young and sex nowadays is rarely as loving/simplistic as it was in the 80's - check out the article in The Times about young mens pornograpic expectation of young girls - it would put you all off. Do you want the 'coming in your face' issue for your 14 year old?? sorry if that sounds harsh but that is reality

I have a 13 and a half year old and i almost feel like posting a picture of her so you can see the reality .

It is NOT like it was in our day - no really

There's 14 and there's 16. I would try to take a backseat if my dd were 16. But when she is still only 14, you are obliged as a parent to encourage her to wait a little longer.

Do you posters thing that having sex at 14 is a good thing, no biggie?

We all have so many years to schlepp around being an adult, wondering and worrying if he still likes us, will he call us back, why did he flirt with that other girl, why did he finish with me??? yadda yadda yadda....

The thoughts of exposing my 14 yr old daughter to all that sh1te would be v. depressing. You can't totally protect yourself from that at 24, so a 14 year old needs help to protect herself from all the slings and arrows of sex and dating too young.

Of course there is every possibility that my advcise isnt worth jack shit as i am obviously a bad mother anyway, for not having a perfectly behaved, virginal 17 year old who has never got pissed up in the park with her mates, never tried cannibis, never moved in with her boyfriend at 17 and had her neck tattoo'd. Yeah, im a fucking terrible parent. My daughter?? I think she is fucking great actually!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm the parent of a 20 year old & an 18 year old, so I don't think I'm that naive.

Yes, it's your right to say that your under-age child should not be having sex, but that doesn't mean it's not going to happen. How are you going to ensure that she is never alone with a boy? DD's current bf is her best friend's older brother - do you ban them from ever visiting any friend who has a brother? One of DD's friends whose mum was very strict lost her virginity in some bushes in the corner of a park on her way home from school.....

Herc, you may well be right, but neither of us can say what your ds will be in 2 years time. tbh I don't think many of us can contemplate our dc having sex at ANY age

nor perhaps should we, to some extent it is none of our business and we do more harm than good trying to make these decisions for them

give them self esteem, trust, responsibiliy and information and hope like mad it will all work out

none of us want our 14 year olds having sex but how are you going to stop them if it is what THEY want, and at what cost?

Paula - just because a behaviour psychologist advised it doesnt make it right....

Mme Cholet there is a BIG difference between encouraging your dd at 14 to wait a little longer (which yes i agree would be the right thing to do) and attempting to physically stop her from doing so through disciplinary measures and taking away her privacy and her autonomy.

FrannyandZoey - very sensible and true post. You're right of course. That's what I hope I have given ds - the tools to make decisions and I guess the rest is hope for the best.

i too clearly remember being a teenager and i remember looking back at 20 and thinking 'god i thought i was grown up' i was not

I also had children relatively young so am not eons away from my 16 year old...

My eldest child is a 16 year old ds - no experience of girls but sadly he does have an awareness of hardcore pornography....

( a fact i again found out by doing things i allegedly should not)

I used to be a lot more free and easy with my attitudes about teenagers before I HAD them

Madame Cholet, I don't think many posters on this thread have said that having sex at 14 is a good thing, just that it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person...

Um this is a difficult one.
I worked with a group of 13/14&15 yr olds recently. Sex was one of the topics we were covering. I don't think any of them had had sex but they were definitely all trying to. I was impressed though at how much they all knew about contraception, stds, hiv etc especially the boys.
OP in your case I think I would organise a girly evening for the 2 of you, a bit of pampering and nails etc. Get yourself prepared with leaflets from the GP's and be brave. Ask her about the boyfriend etc, mention the durex google and then I think I'd be saying sex should wait etc etc.

"I read my daughters diary and I do it for her own good"

I found this statement really chilling tbh

so what do you do with the information that you find there? How does it help you to be a better parent to her?

I am not naive and I know quite a lot about teenager's lives now. Perhaps more than some other posters on here, as I have been the confidant of teenage girls for several years now.

I caught my mother reading my diary once. We don't get on very well. She is not somebody I'd confide in. I'm not sure whether my opinion of her is based solely on the diary incident as she is generally a silly woman with too little sense and too much drama (yes, she is Mrs Bennett).

It's good to give mid-teens responsibilities and trust (admittedly I have only practiced this on ex-partners teenage sons) but I know I'll be more involved in my own DCs decisions, especially sexual ones.

tearinghairout - I think you do need to have a really frank discussion about sex and peer pressure with your DD without letting her pull the 'I know all this, can I go now? line. Make her know it's serious. But DON'T tell her you read her diary!

I do think in the right circumstances ( huge questionmark over what they are !) that underage sex is fine

actually i read that the average age of losing virginity in UK today is actually 18 which was shocking considering rates of teenage pregnancy

a minority are doing the full deed at 14 but that minority need protecting

i think it is good the op read the diary - she needs to know

I am upset for her - i bet you all would be if it was your little girl

Yes, 14 is still a child.
Yes, she should leave sex till after she's 16.
Yes, you should know what your children are up to.
Yes, you should protect them using your own judgement.

But there's 'should' and there's reality. It's great that not all 14 year olds are desperate to have sex, it's great that you're protecting them, and it's great that you have teenagers for whom that works. Life's just a bit more complicated imo. And what works with one 14 year old doesn't necessarily work with all others.

Rustybear, I hear what you're saying and I can also make the distinction! I didn't assume that the OP's dd was a bad girl.

But a fourteen yr old should not be considered an adult. They are not 'on their todd' when it comes to moral guidance, practical support, financial assistance!! confidence and character building, career-guidance etc etc

I believe that treating your children with basic decency and respect (ie not reading their diaries) is more important than having knowledge of every area of their lives (which you could never have anyway)

your long term relationship is IMO more important and more integral to their self-esteem than some teenage mucking about

if your children DON'T know your views on sexual relationships, and plenty of common sense information about STDs, health issues, pregnancy, and so on, then fgs tell them quickly. If they do know, what more (short of physically imprisoning them) do you hope to achieve to influence them towards the decisions you want them to make?

Franny - i think you really are so judgemental and have made me quite {angry] and

I cannot post on here what it was I found out about my DD but I was so so glad I had read it and dp and I could nip the issue in the bud

I did not tell how I had found out what she was doing to herself but i would have otherwise not have known to this day

Please dont make sweeping comments- 'chilling'

NO I was able to protect my daughter .... give you 10 years more as a parent you may understand

DD2 who is 2.5 will clearly be perfect, go to university, campaign for no sex outside of marriage and lose her virginity to her doctor husband after a two year courtship, the first year being chaparoned everywhere, at the age of 35. Just like DD1 was supposed to do

lol LEM

I think that's what my mother had in line for me. Instead, I developed a personality.

Goodness, do you actually seriously think your daughter was having sex outside the youthclub??? Sex as in penetration, loss of virginity, etc outside the youth club!?

Is that really likely?
Is that something your dd would do?
WHO has sex outdoors this time of year, and for the first time, too?

I am sorry, I am not buying it.
One moment she is writing about hugging at bus stops, innocent as that, the next she does such a private act outdoors?

Isnt it more likely that they were having a good and proper long snog for the first time, and it is snogging she will get better at with practice?

That is how I read it.
And I am by no means "innocent". I too had my first boyfriend at 14, and although we did end up doing some pretty sexual things, we also started with hugs on busstops outside the youthclub, and eventually snogging, and from there on, home alone at his house. etc you get the picture.

TALK to her about sex and contraception, DO NOT let on you read her diary. As another poster said, mention it in terms of "you seem to be serious about "Luke", so maybe it is time for you to think about contraception, should you wish to go down that route with him" etc

hi tearing hair out.
firstly, i make no judgement on you reading your dds diary, but wanted to share that my mum used to read mine when i was a teen (i knew by the way the laccy bands were replaced wrongly! lol) and basically, stopped writing in it....i appreciate that you may be feeling shut out or in the dark about your dd, but in the long term, it can only destroy a trusting relationship.......

about the sex thing. to me, it sounds like sex is on the cards....the fact that shes said "'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he')" sounds like maybe a teenage fumble/hand job/blow job.....not that that makes it any better i know, but you may still be able to talk to her about safe sex. she can and should use condoms for all these fumblings. it may or may not lead to sex....depends on her, the lad and their relationship......and its something that, as lots of other posters have said, they will or will not do, with or without your consent.

i think that you could initiate a discussion that you had seen the durex search...can you make a joke and say "dad thought it was me looking at them!" to sort of keep it light, and then explain that you are happy to buy/provide/research with her/accompany her to get some if she chooses, and had she considered going on the pill/injection when the time came to protect herself against pg.....

i like the "i've been chatting to my friend from work whos 14 year old daughter is pg" approach......you can share some of your worries with your dd and explain that you didn't realise that children so young were sexually active and so you'd not thought to talk about it before.....its something that can potentially gain you both a lot of trust in eachother if its a journey started together.

the good thing is that i'm sure at youth club, she will be provided with up to date sexual heath care and advice, and if the staff there are doing their job, they will be discussing morals,self respect,choices, alternatives to penatrative sex, entering into discussions about legal age of consent etc.... with the young people there.

hope this gives another angle.
x

I am sorry to hear that you feel that way PY, but I have given my honest opinion on the information on this thread

I found what you said upsetting, as I said

there have been many sweeping statements made on this thread - about naive posters who have no experience of what they are talking about

I have posted my opinion of the situation given in the OP and I feel it is wrong to pry into a young person's diary for the purpose of catching her out in sexual activity

I am not going to change my opinion of that

Where's custy when you need her?