Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

[tearinghairout]

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

expecting teenagers not to want to kiss and touch sexually is unrealistic and unfair IMO

I don't think what she wrote in her diary sounds like full intercourse to me

sex is one of the strongest human instincts that there is and as parents we do our children a disservice if we can't recognise that
what we need to do is maintain a relationship of trust and respect with our teenagers (this would include NOT reading their diaries for a start) and foster an atmosphere in which they feel safe confiding in us and discussing problems and worries with us

telling them they must NOT engage in any sexual acitivity and disciplining them for doing so will achieve the opposite - children who will do anything they can to hide their private lives from you and will never come to you for advice or guidance

I think I would start a conversation asking about the youth club maybe say you were talking to someone who had gone passed it and thought they saw teenagers getting a bit over friendly! Or try anything that may want her to open up to you perhaps a girly shopping trip or a coffee somewhere quiet you know her better than anyone so you know where would be best.

I would buy condoms and tell her they are in the bathroom cupboard but also have a chat about sex being a special thing, explain that of course you would rather she wasn't/isnt planning on it in the very near future but would rather support her than ignore it/her.
I too would rather by DD waiting but wouldn't want her to deal with an unplanned baby either.

Remember too that condoms aren't just about preventing pregnancies they are all about safe sex too!

Good luck.

ST, Most of the girls I know lost their virginity before 16. And nothing bad happened to them as a result.

Now, I'm not saying that their self esteem was fantastic - if it had been, they probably wouldn't have had sex. but low self esteem manifested in underaged sex - it wasn't caused by it.

Unless your children never leave the house (except to go straight to school & back) when they are teenagers, scienceteacher, there is no way you can say "There would be no such thing as behind my back"

This is why I never read DD's diary - if you do find out something like this, there's not really anything you can do about it that you shouldn't already be doing - keeping their trust, keeping lines of communication open, making sure they know the facts, not just in theory, but in relation to real life (as in WT's scenario)

I know as much as I want to about DD's sex life (she's 18 now btw) I know she's on the pill & practices safe sex, I don't know which of her various boyfriends was her first, or when it was (though I have a fairly good idea) and she knew I wouldn't freak out when she was a few days late & asked me to buy a pregnancy test - it was negative, as I was pretty sure it would be,it was just for reassurance.

i thikn the equating young teens having sex as bad teens is a mistake

sex at a young age does not make you inherently bad

I'm not surprised you're upset. And I don't think it's terrible to read your fourteen year old dd's diary. You suspected she was having sex and you were right. And she is only fourteen.

It's all very for some posters to criticise you for reading her diary, but you're the one who will have to support her and build back up her self-esteem if it gets damaged by this experience.

I think you should sit down with her and tell her that you've heard through the grapevine that she's having sex. Shock her by reminding her that this is (on his part) statutory rape.

Ask her can she ring this guy for no reason. Would he be glad to hear from her, or would he say "why did you ring?". Has he introduced her to all the important people in his life? He should be proud of her! If he's not proud of her then she shouldn't be handing herself over to him. She can never regain her virginity, but she can learn to better evaluate whether or not she's having sex out of curiosity, lust, love, peer group pressure.

Ask her tough questions like these. She'll never admit it to you, but perhaps the answers to the questions will go round in her head, and make her think twice about how quickly she sleeps with the next boy, and which boy.

Good luck to you. My dd is only five. But I would have done what you did. I would have read my DD's diary if I thought she was going to risk damaging her long-term self-esteem over some 14 yr old boy.

agree camilla. especially within a relationship.

AT the end of the day though, who are we, as parents to dictate what is the right or wrong choice?? Who is to say that having sex, in an informed, confident manner with protection in place is wrong at that age? Id much rather my DD wait until she is 35 but its not going to happen (that horse has well and truely bolted). Making them feel that sex is wrong, is quite frankly an out dated and niave standpoint.

We can only guide and put the relative arguments across in a non dictatory way, as i said hormones are a powerful driver in the teen (its natures way of making us have babies!) but so is rebellion.

OP, i honestly wouldnt be so worried about DD, at least you have met this lad, met his parents etc - it could be worse

Personally, finding out that my mother did not trust me or respect my privacy to the extent that she would read my personal diary, would have affected my self-esteem pretty dramatically, not to mention permanently affecting my relationship with my mother.

Your teenage children are not your possessions. You have no right to snoop like this and then lie about what you have found out. What do you think this teaches teenage children about adult relationships, trust, privacy, respect for other people and responsibility?

OP i dont think you were wrong to read her diary by the way. Of course you mustn let her know this, but find a way to talk about it. It is natural as a parent to want to know what our children are doing, and to keep them safe. It might just be of course that she hasn't gone the whole way.

The boy himself is only 15, its not like he is predatory 20 year old. I also, dont think there will be lasting damage to her self esteem. But then if you ground her and treat her like what she has done is wrong, well... it might be a different story. Only you know your daughter and how she will react to the "talk". But you really do have to give her some credit. As you say, she was googling durex so that suggests a responsible approach. That could be a good way of bringing it up, just say about finding the durex link and that you were concerned that she had "sorted herself out".

From personal experience, I agree with Franny.

i was told by my parents at 16 - not the same as 14 i know, but i was quite sheltered and a late starter compared to my friends - that i could not go out with a man who i knew to be a really genuine, great bloke. I carried on seeing him in spite of, basically, all my freedom being taken away and a very open acknowledgement in our house that i had no privacy - and no right to it if i would not promise to stop seeing him. (he was 17 years older than me and looking back i realise how they must have felt, especially as i had always been the 'good' one, toeing the line and not questioning my parents)
This just made me even more determined to do the opposite of what they wanted and eventually when they gave me an ultimatum - us or him - i chose him. it took a long time for my parents and i to rebuild a relationship but now, 20 years down the line, i am married to the man, we have a child and i have never got on better with my mum and dad.
Luckily for me, things have turned out great, but it could all have been different from the beginning if both my parents and i had handled things differently at the time. i might even have lost interest in this guy if it had not become such a big deal for me to stick to my guns.
From my point of view, the best thing you can do is support your daughter in whatever decision she makes because she will do what she wants with or without your permission. Talk to her about the implications of sex at her age but never let her know you have read her diary, this will destroy her trust in you completely. However sick it makes you feel, welcome this boy into your house, let them feel they can be open and honest with you and hope that they repay you by doing so.

I don't think to say you've "heard through the grapevine she's having sex" would be a good idea - whether it's true or not, she'd suspect one of her friends, or worse her twin of telling you, which could lead to all sorts of bad feeling.

Oh and btw, I know lots of DD & DS's friends who dyed their hair at 14 - in fact DD went dark red at that age - if it is a sign of rebellion it's a pretty minor one.

why u readin ur daughters diary ?? sometime kids write things in them that r just in there imagination unless u have proof she is at it i wouldn't worry to much or just ask her straight up if she is having sex and give her the consiquensies if she is ie wat the law does about it

Umm, sticking my head above the parapet here I have to say it absoloutely is me who should say whether my child having sex at that age is right or wrong.
It is for me to say. I am the childs parent. I am not their mate or best friend. Their parent.
And having sex at 14 is unlikely ( possible of course) but unlikely to be the best thing for their emotional or physical well being.

By all means argue the method by which early sexual activity is made less likely but I can't take that step further and say 'oh well, it may not be such a bad thing'
It may not be a bad thing but the chances are pretty good that it is not the best choice for my child.
I try and give my children appropriate privcy and personally I wouldn't look in a dairy. I do still expect to try and keep basic control of what they do. I know where my kids are all the time and who with and I expect them to be honest with me. I also set great store by ensuring that they understand that early sex is a bad thing for their health and that a partner rushing them into early sex is unlikely to be really serious about them.

I know this may not work. I know that they may at this moment be plotting a life of wild abandon while i am at the shops but I will not treat this as if it is a fag behind the sports hall.

In an ideal world pagwatch i totally agree with you, trouble is, we dont live in an ideal world. It seems the OPs daughter IS having sex or contemplating it. The best course of action in my opinion is to ensure she is well informed and protected. OF course it would be better if she wasnt doing it, but she is

yep - agree with that. That horse has bolted and protection is now the most important thing.

An ideal world would be nice though wouldn't it

My mum found my diary and read it, she found out that i had sex at 14 and phoned the police, and tried to have him arrested for rape. I moved out, but before going i burnt the diary, it was my choice to have sex at 14 i was not pressured in any way. The police didnt take it any further because i wouldn't talk to them.
It took me months to move back home, I then met my now dh and moved out to live with him 2 weeks before my 16th birthday. I dont trust my mum, i cant talk to her openly. I could never really talk to my mum when i was growing up.

Sorry but if it were my dd I'd be making sure I knew exactly where she was and doing my best to ensure she wasnt alone with a boy in order to be able to have sex knowing what you might know now.
I would also make sure she knew all about contraception and had access to it still.

SOunds very contradictory I know.

not read whole thread but YES YES pagwatch and science teacher

It is MY say so for my under age 'little' girl

I think a lot of MN parents are a wee bit naive about parenting older children tbh

In an idealisitic world we all 'like to think' we would be saying 'it is your decision - just be careful'

When you have children up to the age of 10 ish - 14 sounds old - it really truly is not

Scienceteacher: that;s not being a caring parent, that;s being a borderline abusive one. Teenagers are people, not property and you do not have the right to police every aspect of their lives like this. It would serve you right if your teenagers ran away from home and they may well at least try to run away if you snoop, spy, meddle and bully them to this extent. You need to get a grip.

Ah.

Just remembered something.

My mother read my diary and thought I didn't know she'd read it.

Hence, I embellished.

Possible?

unfortunately unless you are never going to let your teenagers out of your sight, it is not your decision, it is their's.

I've worked with teenagers and perhaps more importantly remember very vividly being one myself. It isn't naivete that makes me advise respect for their privacy. It is experience.

Yes, you're right and I work with teenagers too but looking at my ds who is a boy I know and 12 there is no way I could contemplate him having sex in 2 years time. He is a child and will still be a child then. However, I recognise I can't police him and therefore ensure he knows about contraception etc even know and talk to him lots.

If he had a diary I wouldnt read it though. Step too far imho.