Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

[tearinghairout]

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

Thanks to you all - I can't stay on here atm because there are people around .

FWIW I don't think it's OK to read her diary. I did it even though I knew I shouldn't. The temptation was too great. I won't tell & will try to stop doing it.

Anyway, I'm learning a lot here, really feel my mind opening to other ways of thinking, and for that I thank you all.

To those of you who can't imagine their boys wanting to be sexually active at 14 - they grow up awfully fast in the last year of primary school, then they start secondary and all of a sudden, they're youths!

Will check in later.

mildmj...i really phrased that badly....I agree with you completely about the reasons not to have sex early. What I was trying to indicate was something my daughter said. She said that mums don't "grow up" with their daughters and that it seemed OP's shock was more that she was having sex than that her daughter was so young. (the shock about the sex was there too, but it was that emphasis my daughter was picking up on.)

That's a very good quote from the joy of sex book, about a row with somebody you're having sex with being so much worse than a row with somebody you're holding hands with.

It's for this reason that I think a 14 yr old needs to be protected.

Examples of where somebody slept with their boyfriend days before their 16th birthday aren't the same as this.

OP went for a drink at midday. I reckon she's drunk the bar.

THO, you sound like a fantastic and loving mother. I've just read through the whole thread and it struck me that many were saying that girls who had sex young were lacking in self confidence/went on to have children very young/went off the rails/whatever. Wanted to say that that was not at all the case for me, I was extremely self confident, went on to be very successful, admittedly got married young (not to the same boyfriend) but am still happily married 15 years on and had my first ds just over a year ago (at age 35).

The reason I was having sex so young was that I had a boyfriend I loved, who treated me well and did things to me that I enjoyed. I did not feel pressured into it and when I eventually broke up with him and went out with other boys (3 years later) I did not feel like I had to have sex with them, and in fact did not.

My parents' openness and supportiveness made me feel in control, so I was doing what I wanted, even if it was not what they would have wanted me to do (I know it wasn't, but they stayed out of it).

My friends whose parents were much more controlling felt much more out of control and had much worse experiences. One friend was only allowed in her bedroom with her boyfriend if the door was kept open. They had sex with the door open and her parents downstairs. It was just really stressful and rushed, so quite unpleasant. I, OTOH, had sex in my own bed in my own time. Which meant we could take it slowly and only go as far as I was comfortable each time. From being together naked in bed to full on sex took more than a month, so quite a while! And I think having that first experience be so positive was a huge factor in allowing me to become sexually self-confident and eventually in the really happy relationship I ended up in.

I'm sad that so many of you think it is normal to have sex at 14. I'm not coming at this from any kind of religious pov, but I do think 14 is too young. It means there are no "inbetween" years from childhood to adulthood to me.

It seems to be a given that if you suggest to your teenager that they don't do something they automatically will. But what can a concerned parent do? ignore it or condone it?

I think your reactions are perfectly understandable OP and you are only showing concern for your child (she is a child). I would be feeling the same. As my dd is only 7 I can't advise, but I have a modicum of understanding for your feelings.

tearinghairout, I really feel for you

As you are probably feeling right now that a mother's place is "in the wrong"

Too strict or too liberal, you can't win

My advice is to do whatever you need to do to keep your own sanity because your daughter will do what she wants anyway

No-one is saying condone it, just be aware that if your child has reached that stage there is little you can do to stop it happening, so damage limitation is the best way forward.

Of course in the conversation about condoms etc a big deal should be made of feelings, puberty, the legal perspective, a parents preference to the child waiting etc but the parent must be realistic about it and allow the child to decide for themselves after all info is presented and discussed and then stand by them.

I think life is quite tough for teenage girls these days. I have an 18 year old cousin who is pregnant with her first child and I was utterly shocked by her bebo page.

She is from a stable, middle class family with older parents who had no idea what she was up to until she got pregnant.

Her bebo page is full of raunchy poses and scantily clad girls. She had published lots of suggestive photographs of herself and when I spoke to her about it she shrugged and said it is what everyone of her age does. This from an intelligent A Level student! At her age I was wearing doc martens, 501s and little t shirts to the pub. Girls of her age dress in short skirts, low cut tops etc and it is pretty shocking.

Sex has become accepted as the norm for teenagers. Not just experimenting in a steady relationship, but sexy photos on the internet and one night stands.

So, OP. What to do? The culture seems to be working against you.

agree re bebo my dd is 13 and the shots of her friends from her middle class grammar school are also shocking

everyone is in a provocative pouting pose

I was horrified and she told her friends!! the next day one changed her picture and said her older friend had encouraged it

i do not allow bebo but would advise those who do to check the photos

oh god. you are at such an incredibly crucial moment in your relationship with her daughter. THAT puts whether or not she is embarking on her sexual life into the shade.

if you abuse her trust, and let your feelings about her sex life get in the way of your unconditional love for and acceptance of her you may lose her forever. no joke.

you can do NOTHING to stop her from having sex. if you ground her she will do it in her lunch hour at school if she wants to.

focus on building her self esteem, making sure that she realises how wonderful you think she is. you obviously don't trust her at all given that you use reading her diary to find out about her life. similarly she doesn't trust you to know about what is happening with her. you need to really start communicating with her, and NOT making it more difficult for her to be open with you by passing judgement on what she tells you.

this is like watching a car crash for me as this was the exact point at which my relationship with my mother was irrevocably damaged, i was 15 and her reaction to my early sexual experiences broke our relationship in a way that we are still struggling to repair.

she is a young adult. if she is to respect and trust you, you have to model that in the way that you treat her.

From what you wrote in your OP I wouldn't assume sex. I documented every little thing in the lead up to sex so if she hasn't mentioned other things (touching, kissing etc) I would assume she meant a bit of a snog. That said, if she's googling durex she's obviously got it in mind in the not too distant future.

You won't be able to stop her so it's pointless trying. I would tell her that you know she's googled durex and then give her 'the talk'. Get some condoms for her and trust her to hold off until she wants to.

Some of my friends were having sex at 14. Others (myself included) weren't. Though if I'd had half the chance I probably would have been! IMO the only crisis is if she isn't using condoms or feels in any way pressured.

agree that it doesn't sound from what you've said as if penetration is what is being talked about btw.

The approach my parents took was to be very open about sex. They told me they would prefer me to do it in my own room at a time when I wanted to do it. They didn't want me doing it in alley ways and beaches, they said. So I was allowed to stay at the houses of boyfriends overnight from about 16/17. It was bit of shock when I went to stay at DH's parents before we were married and tehy put us in separate rooms at 25!

A colleague of mine recommended bowls of condoms in the bathroom.

Have to agree with MMJ on one thing - activities! I was SO busy with dance and music classes that I didn't have a moment to even talk to boys.

Mind you, all that happened was I went to uni at 17 and shagged the first bloke I met And it was LONG overdue and I enjoyed it

take issue with Madame cholet quoting statutory rape
not so for two under age teens of 14.
I say ask your dd in a non threatening way about the durex googling. That's public open info. Tell her you are concerned about her having a sexual relationship and try and make it bonding and secure. Offer her support and guidance as objectively as you can manage

WHile the age of consent is a useful guideline, not that long ago girls were routinely married off and mothers at 14/15, so 14-year-olds wanting to experiment with sex or feeling sexual desire is not some bizarre modern freak of nature. It does seem that young people who have been given sensible sex education (ie not abstinence-orientated, education which acknowledges that sex is pleasurable when done with a consenting partner - rather than being something inevitably dirty and dangerous) tend to start having sex later. Also, teens with supportive families and good self-esteem tend not to rush into sexual experimentation. Here's a hint: prying, snooping and controlling are not good ways to boost a teenager's self-esteem and self-respect. Feeding them scaremongering bullshit about how having sex early will inevitably ruin their lives is no way to help them become sexually-sensible adults either - it will just make them decide that you are ignorant and full of shit and everything you say can be discarded.

I agree with franny, sohphable et al that it sounds very unlikely that she is having sex. I think it is wholly unrealistic to expect a 14 year old not to want to have sexual contact with her boyfriend.
fwiw I was an extremely confident teenager, at 14 I was certainly sexually active and lost my virginity at nearly 16, as I really couldn't hold on any longer .

having sex for me as a teenager was not about being pressured, or doing it because everyone else was, or because I was lacking in confidence or seeking affection or any of those stereotypes. I never felt used or abused but I certainly had a pretty fantastic time tbh. I wanted to have sex simply because I wanted to have sex I had strong sexual urges and I am not sorry that I was sexually active at that age. I was never promiscuous, never had an STD...just a happy normal successful life.
just wanted to say that having the need to have sexual contact at 14 isn't some terrible route to disaster but really very normal.

I'm with franny on this. I could not, would not intrude on my dds privacy by reading her diary. I'm astonished how many of you think this is OK. If you really think it's OK, tell them you're doing it.

You will lose her trust and respect. How can you look her in the eye knowing you've read her diary.

i keep reading madamez's posts and nodding in agreement just lately.. am i on the slippery slope to morris dancing now?

and definitely agree with sophable's point about the crucial thing being this crossroads you have reached in your relationship with your daughter

Camilla: ooh, I've got a set of hankies that would reaaaaly suit you

yay ! and ankle bells too?? someone who used to work for PILs does morris dancing, he did a lovely display in town recently with his troupe... it is very jolly !

oh yes, sex is fun. I think it's easy to forget that because the thought of our kids having sex is a bit . But that's really one of the biggest motivations when you're a teenager isn't it? A bit of exploring and a hell of a lot of fun.

Anyway, doesn't sound like she's there yet and isn't she sensible googling durex? Hope you can have a good sit down and chat.

I think the saddest part of this story is that the 14-y-o girl was worried she didn't do [whatever sex act it was] very well, but would "get better with practise".

Girls' magazines these days are all about performance -- "be the best he's ever had! Do 10,000 things with marmite he'll never have felt before!". Where was the diary entry about how he wanted to please her?

This is a good book to give to her Not tonight, Mr right by Kate Taylor on why girls should wait to have sex. It's not religious or moral, it tells about the bonding efects of our hormones after we shag (girls get more attached than men due to oxytocin), and how waiting to have sex for a while and not trying to win him over by dislocating your jaw to give a perfect blow job is better for your self-esteem.