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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help - have looked in DDs diary and feel sick, devastated, that she is having sex

202 replies

tearinghairout · 22/03/2008 12:35

She is 14.3. She told me a few weeks ago that she was going out with someone (14.1)

She didn't say any more so I started looking in her diary (awful, I know, - two of my friends with DDs the same age do it....) Anyway, lots of stuff like 'we hugged at the bus stop'. Aah. I know that at Youth Club they do lots of things about contraception - they practise putting condoms on a fake willy at 13!! So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to talk about sex with her. I said that people didn't need to do anything they didn't want to, and the under-16 law is there to protect people. She said 'Mum, we do all that stuff at school' so I left it. We've also had plenty of discussion about abortion etc because of the storyline on Corrie recently. Not sure if at 14 that's 'real' though.

Then she found out through the grapevine that he'd 'done it' with his previous gf (15) & was upset. (diary again) Now she's out & I looked in her diary again - it described something that happened outside Youth Club last week. She says 'it' happened out of the blue & she wasn't very good ('but will get better with practice, he he').

I can't tell you how sickened I feel. I told DH & he said perhaps it's just a hand job or whatever, but that he'd noticed someone had googled Durex the other day (not us).

Whatever do I say to her before next Youth Club???

OP posts:
cazboldy · 22/03/2008 13:14

I was going out with my now dh at 13. Was having sex at 14, and fell pg. Ds1 was born 2 months after I was 15. We have now been married for over 10 years, and we have 5 beautiful dc

I understand that you only read her diary as you were so worried, but this is definitely not the way to build trust. I think you have to make sure your dc are comfortable about talking about anything with you from a really young age. I don't want my children to make a mistake, and worry about how to keep it from me.....I want them to come running into my open arms.

I think you need to try and talk to her, as an adult, on equal terms, respecting her choices and with no anger. Much easier said than done, I know, but you need to be on her level, to make her listen to you. hth

cazboldy · 22/03/2008 13:16

but scienceteacher, where there's a will, theres a way, and imo that would be forcing her to go behind your back

ScienceTeacher · 22/03/2008 13:23

I wouldn't take that chance. There would be no such thing as behind my back.

I am seriously shocked at the responses on this thread, btw.

bethoo · 22/03/2008 13:25

give her some leaflets on AIDS. that shpould put her off.

camillathechicken · 22/03/2008 13:25

but it is better that she has contraception, trust in her parents and is open and honest, than climbs out of the window at night, or says she is staying at a girlfriend's house but is sneaking off to see the boyfriend....

twas ever thus, and i think that being honest about it is hte way forward, so that she is protected and safe

no amount of heaping shame, or grounding or huge punishments has kept teens from having sex

lucyellensmum · 22/03/2008 13:26

tearinghairout, i know how hard this is, ive been there and its shite. I THINK my DD was 15 when she lost her virginity, but she may have been younger.

I know you feel by buying the condoms or taking her to the family planning clinnic you are condoning but its better than sticking your head in the sand. If she is going to do it, she is going to do it, i promise you that much. IF you sit her down and say, oh, it seems like things are serious between you and your boyfriend, do you wonder if you should sort your contraception out? That way you can make her an appointment for the family planning clinic and they can talk to her about all the health risks etc, you can go with her or wait outside, or have him go with her. Yes, is is only 14 but the way i see it is this, our bodies tell us we are ready by releasing all those hormones, it is natural to want to experiment. Just let her know that you are OK with it (even if you are not and it makes you feel sick, it did me) because then she will talk to you about it if she needs advise. Now my DD is 17 and in a serious relationship, she will often ask my advise about her pill etc, say if she is sick or takes it late (i have made her think she must take it on the hour!!) I dont like the thought of my baby having sex, but id rather know she is protected.

posieflump · 22/03/2008 13:28

scienceteacher - so you would tell her you read her diary and are grouding her because of what was in it?

bethoo · 22/03/2008 13:29

tbh i think all you can do is talk to her about the importance of contraception and not feeling pressured. from the diary it seems that she felt intimidated that her boyfriends ex had done more and felt obliged to be competitive iyswim?
you could go one of two ways, be unsympathetic and demand a pregnancy test to bring her to reality or tell her that if she is having sex then she is responsible adn shuld be aware of contraception as she should not only be concerned about pregnancy. i know that i lied to my mother and of course she was always reading my diary which meant i never confided in her at all as i felt i could never trust her. she was also in denial that teenagers had sex.

WanderingTrollegg · 22/03/2008 13:29

I think you'll find that a work colleague/friend of friend/someone on mumsnet has a teenage daughter who has just found out she's pg after first time sex. Tell dd you are v worried she'll be next, give her condoms and make sure she knows how to get more. Give her the wait for someone special spiel, but don't expect her to do so. I don't think there's much you can say which will stop her tbh. I would keep giving her condoms, the worst that can happen is she can hand them out to her friends (who also will have sex with or without them) if she's not using them herself.

I don't think it sounds like he's forcing her, or she's under pressure. She's going to have to make her own mistakes here. If you can, slip in something about everyone saying they've done it when almost no one has.

lucyellensmum · 22/03/2008 13:31

Science teacher, do you have any teenage daughters?

ScienceTeacher · 22/03/2008 13:37

Yes, posie (although tbh, it's irrelevent to how I know). Some things are more important - respecting privacy is not a top value.

I would never let my DCs ever think that I respect their privacy - they are children, and they know the rules of the game. This is why I insist that they have me as friends on Facebook and Bebo - or no computer access. I tell this to my girls at school and they are shocked - but I think that I am a caring parent for it. Far better than to let them become statistics.

ScienceTeacher · 22/03/2008 13:38

My eldest daughter is 11 (I do have teenage boys though).

I teach teenage girls, and am very concerned about their lives outside of school.

LuLuMacGloo · 22/03/2008 13:38

WanderinTroll - I think your idea is brilliant. Saves face all around. I'm going to try and remember it for when my dd/ds get to a similar stage.

camillathechicken · 22/03/2008 13:41

glad you are not my mum, scienceteacher !

children and teens deserve to have some privacy. i don;t think that intruding on every area of their life is acceptable.

trust is intrinsic to a good relationship and essentially you are telling your DCs that despite you bringing them up well, you do not trust them, and you have to be involved in every part of their lives.

lucyellensmum · 22/03/2008 13:41

ST - it is different with your own. I think you are doing the right thing thing re the facebook, but are you not worried they will just have a secondary account?

I was very strict with my DD and it backfired bigtime, so i didnt practice what i am preaching really, i just wish i did.

WanderingTrollegg · 22/03/2008 13:42

Scienceteacher you sound a lot like my mother.

I am 36 and unmarried, so still waiting for Mr Right and am a virgin. I absolutely never snuck out, bunked off school, hung out with bad boys behind the garage and drank cider, smoked or did drugs. Oh no.

You can see a pic of me in my saintliness here

Thing is, not everyone has easy laid back obedient teenagers - perhaps you do, and yours won't sneak around behind your back. The fact that there are so many teenage pregnancies in the UK makes it unlikely that all teenagers are like yours.

lucyellensmum · 22/03/2008 13:43

also ST, if you teach biology then surely you will have an understanding of the effects of hormones - they are quite a powerful driver

camillathechicken · 22/03/2008 13:44

sometimes, the harder the parents, the more ingenious teens become to ensure they can do what they want

and yes, LEM, hormones are veryyyy powerful driving forces.

ScienceTeacher · 22/03/2008 13:46

I do understand hormones, which is why teenagers need help from their parents (or other adults who care for them) to stay on the straight-and-narrow.

I think teenagers struggle to make the right choices under their own power. It is not enough to impart your values and expect that to be enough.

camillathechicken · 22/03/2008 13:51

but life is not that black and white , is it?

do you want your children to remain virgins until marriage?

it is not enough for you to want it, they have to want it to

struggling to make the right choices , absolutley..... but encouraging openess and an environement where you show you repsect them and can help them make decisions, rather than making decisions for them, is surely helpful.

at what age will you step back ?

ScienceTeacher · 22/03/2008 13:52

A lot older than 14 - can't believe that is a serious question.

scorpio1 · 22/03/2008 13:53

i lost my virginity at her age, exactly IIRC.

Most important thing is contraception - my parents put me on the pill, we were a very open family.

scorpio1 · 22/03/2008 13:55

And i don't think she will stop having sex - once you dp, you just carry on IMO.

Also have the STI chat with her - a baby is the nicest thing you can catch.

camillathechicken · 22/03/2008 13:55

i am trying to understand your rationale.. and at what point you will think that your teens can be trusted to make their own decisions.. 16? 18 ? or post teen?

camillathechicken · 22/03/2008 13:56

sorry you cannot beleive it is a serious question

i am struggling to understand why you thikn that making your DCs add you as a friend on facebook and bebo so you can essentialy control them is a good thing. so i am asking questions to understand more about it. as i might be totlaly wrong in how i would like to do things