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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr DD hid boyfriend from me

156 replies

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 09:51

Was driving 17yr DD home from a male friend she's known for about 3 years. She goes to his house every Friday and sometimes on weekdays.
It was a quiet ride but about 5 minutes before we reached home she said out of nowhere "you know me and my friend are dating right?"
I asked how long for, and she said 2 and a half years. I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent.
I was very upset about it for the rest of the night. I can't believe she would hide that from me for 2 and 1/2 years... anyone else had an experience like this with lying? What should I do?
DD hasn't come down since she went upstairs after we got home.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2024 09:52

What should you do?

Invite him for dinner and get to know him.

Zoomerang · 09/02/2024 09:54

I’d reflect on why she felt the need to do this.

BoohooWoohoo · 09/02/2024 09:54

Why do you think you should know ? Your reaction will have taught her not to confide in you in future.

I have 3 teens and the 2 who told me that they were dating only told me months after they started. The other tells me months after a break up and I think that’s fine. I remember wanting privacy as a teen and respect theirs. They also know I will help them with contraception if it’s needed.

Sobbingteen · 09/02/2024 09:55

Yeah, I get why you're hurt but I don't think you should approach this with anger. I think you need a good conversation about why she felt unable to tell you.

Seeline · 09/02/2024 09:55

She goes at least weekly to a male friends house for 2.5 years and you've never once thought he might be her boyfriend?!
I don't think she's been lying - you've just been very naive.
Has he never come to yours?

keiratwiceknightly · 09/02/2024 09:57

Give her half an hour and take her a cuppa. Apologise if your reaction was odd - you were taken by surprise. Say you're pleased that they are obviously committed to each other and make it clear he is welcome at your house. Then leave her to it.

(Except that you need to check - when the dust is settled - that she has proper contraception in place. But not yet.)

Midnlghtrain · 09/02/2024 09:57

I'm sure the sarcastic thanks and silence really confirmed to her she'd made the right choice!

Honestly people are entitled to privacy, and I think you should think that the moment she's decided to share something like that with you, you didn't react in a way that will ever encourage sharing again. You've made this about you feeling hurt when you should have felt happy she wanted to share something with you.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 09:57

Seeline · 09/02/2024 09:55

She goes at least weekly to a male friends house for 2.5 years and you've never once thought he might be her boyfriend?!
I don't think she's been lying - you've just been very naive.
Has he never come to yours?

I was told he was gay when I first met him. I don't know if it was a lie or it changed, I should of asked. But even worse if it was also a lie.
He's been to my place twice.

OP posts:
Plump82 · 09/02/2024 09:58

This says more about you than her.

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 09:58

Seeline · 09/02/2024 09:55

She goes at least weekly to a male friends house for 2.5 years and you've never once thought he might be her boyfriend?!
I don't think she's been lying - you've just been very naive.
Has he never come to yours?

I mean this, did you never think to ask her ? poor kid has been trying to build up to saying something for 2 years !

Ducksurprise · 09/02/2024 09:59

I sarcastically thanked her

Says it all.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/02/2024 10:01

Oh dear OP, not the best reaction from you. You’re bound to be surprised but to ignore her like that is odd.

Go up to her and start a convo, find out why she felt she couldn’t tell you, ask her how serious it is, tell her you’d like him to come over more, get a takeaway, get to know him.

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 10:01

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 09:57

I was told he was gay when I first met him. I don't know if it was a lie or it changed, I should of asked. But even worse if it was also a lie.
He's been to my place twice.

Show quote history

you are being a bit dramatic nobody lied just couldn't approach you for whatever reason not all daughters are open and "pally" with their mums and find saying stuff difficult. I do think you need to reel yourself in a but.

PillowRest · 09/02/2024 10:01

To me, your reaction shows why she hid it.
Why didn't you say something along the lines of "no I didn't realise! That's great, he seems lovely. Has everything been going well/how did he first ask you out"

Also did you even show interest previously, asking if she liked any boys, if she liked him etc?

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 09/02/2024 10:02

You need to reflect on your reaction here op.

If my kid felt the need to hide something from me for 2 years, I would be questioning what I did to make them feel as though they couldn't trust me.

The sarcasm and silent treatment are probably a massive reason why.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:04

PillowRest · 09/02/2024 10:01

To me, your reaction shows why she hid it.
Why didn't you say something along the lines of "no I didn't realise! That's great, he seems lovely. Has everything been going well/how did he first ask you out"

Also did you even show interest previously, asking if she liked any boys, if she liked him etc?

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.
She never was interested in any of that stuff and never showed any signs of liking anyone. That and I thought it would be very rude to ask if they were an item - as if to say that I don't believe that he's gay.

OP posts:
Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:07

I understand being sarcastic wasn't a good choice. I was very hurt and that's how I react when I don't want people to know. I'm just still very upset she kept this from me for so long.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 10:08

7! she's 17 now and you have never spoken about relationships? I mean he might be gay but atm he's her boyfriend you should support that.

Mumoftwo1312 · 09/02/2024 10:08

My bil starting dating a woman for several months before telling MIL- then they moved in together quite quickly because of lockdown.

My lovely mil immediately welcomed her into the family, invited her round as soon as that was allowed, bought her flowers that matched her name (like, roses for Rosie).

Be like my MIL! Invite him round lots and then you'll see more of your dd too

Mumoftwo1312 · 09/02/2024 10:09

The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.

My goodness. I think you've answered your own question here, op

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:10

Mumoftwo1312 · 09/02/2024 10:09

The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.

My goodness. I think you've answered your own question here, op

That's obviously a joke!

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 09/02/2024 10:10

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:04

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.
She never was interested in any of that stuff and never showed any signs of liking anyone. That and I thought it would be very rude to ask if they were an item - as if to say that I don't believe that he's gay.

Show quote history

Here's your answer

This is more telling of your relationship than it is about her and them

MonsteraMama · 09/02/2024 10:12

So you haven't spoken to her about relationships for a decade, the last time you did was to tell her no boyfriends until 30, you've never asked her or shown any interest in her relationships, and you're confused as to why she's struggled to find a way to confide this news to you?

She's probably been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you for ages, and your childish reaction has now confirmed to her that she was right not to confide in you.

Mumoftwo1312 · 09/02/2024 10:12

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:10

That's obviously a joke!

Show quote history

Is it obvious to your dd? I mean, the only reason why she wouldn't tell you is a dread of your reaction.

Does she think you'd overreact? ground her? Forbid the relationship?

Can you reassure her on these points

ColdButSunny · 09/02/2024 10:12

Exactly this