17yr DD hid boyfriend from me

[unusualbusiness]

Was driving 17yr DD home from a male friend she's known for about 3 years. She goes to his house every Friday and sometimes on weekdays.
It was a quiet ride but about 5 minutes before we reached home she said out of nowhere "you know me and my friend are dating right?"
I asked how long for, and she said 2 and a half years. I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent.
I was very upset about it for the rest of the night. I can't believe she would hide that from me for 2 and 1/2 years... anyone else had an experience like this with lying? What should I do?
DD hasn't come down since she went upstairs after we got home.

Never discussed relationships with a 17 years old? That's very strange to me!

My mum kept saying that she would want me to tell her if I had relationship to make sure I was safe. She also said that boys can not always be trusted when it comes to safe sex (she was definitely right about that!) So she took me to the doctor and payed for my pill every month. She never asked any too personal details, just wanted to get to know him and make sure I was safe and well treated.
Ignoring relationships and sex talk with a teenager sounds like a disaster to me.

I did this when l was fifteen, because of the way my mother was with me.
I started going out with my best friend's older brother (he was my first boyfriend), who she'd met, and l'd said l liked him, but no more, not that we were seeing each other, because l knew how she'd react.

She liked him, she actually said "He's lovely, and he's a good looking lad, he's too good for you, l wouldn't bother," and so many other derogatory comments about me.
He didn't live locally, so l could see him when l was staying with his/my friend's parents. He was lovely, older, but he treated me so well, as did his family who accepted me firstly as their daughter's friend, and also like a daughter.

I had no privacy at home. She'd go through my things, my wardrobe, l had to write my diary in code and lock his letters/cards etc in a record case, and say l'd lost the key. Even then she said 'she'd tried to get it open for me'.
I didn't tell her things because l had in the past, and had them thrown back in my face. She even did it in front of other people, including neighbours.

So frankly, OP, having read your posts, you wonder why she hasn't told you he's her boyfriend? I don't think it's hard to work out.

OP, I think there are some very harsh comments coming back to you and I feel for you as you are in a place where you want to do the right thing by your daughter but need support to help you do that - otherwise you would not have tried to seek answers on this site. Let's face it, there are no rule books for managing teens and its ok not to have responded in the 'best' way, you, like many parents, don't always get it right.

Let's look at the positives, like how kind of you to be driving her, she must really appreciate that. Great that she seems to be in a relationship with the boy, better that than random one night stands. And now the universe has given you an opportunity to think about your next level relationship with her. The one where you take some time out to make friends with the fact your not so little girl is possibly having sx. 17 might feel young to you (15 and 16 younger, if maybe she was having sx with him then too) but it happens, often. It's great your daughter feels happy to share this with you. Now you can next level and be the mother who supports her dating teen, as others have said in here, the knock on the door, cup of tea and 'thank you so much for telling me about X, I really like that you shared that and I'm here for you anytime'. A hug and a kiss. Maybe later that day ask her if she's on the pill and offer to set up an appointment for her if she is not.

And then leave her to approach you again to talk about it - which she will. You are doing the best job you can, it is only natural to worry but in a year she'll be an 'adult'. I am constantly told it's best to let them learn when they are still at home, in that way you are there to catch her if she stumbles. xx

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel
Er, there's your answer!
Nobody knows but you whether it was a joke or not, but your dd clearly felt unable to tell you.
Maybe she wasn't sure how you'd react.
Which is pretty understandable if you've been having bizarre conversations with her like this in the past!

How did she lie to you? Have you asked her before and she denied it? Because if you haven’t, she hasn’t actually lied to you.

It is quite possible he was gay when you first met him, and now is not. Or had no strong preference and now prefers to be in a relationship with a young woman, your DD.

I honestly mean this in the kindest way and as a way to try and get you to understand why you're finding these seemingly normal interactions difficult, but is there a possibility that you might be neurodivergent? The fact that you can't seem to self-regulate your emotions and that you're making this all about you screams ND as well.

I've had a teenage daughter I would have double checked tbh

Ignore my response. I've just seen from your more recent posts that you said you're autistic. That explains a lot TBH.

Some advice - leave your daughter to it. She has to navigate her own personal relationships herself. Don't get yourself too involved and don't make it all about you. Don't take everything too personally either.

I’m sorry OP but if you have done nothing to model a culture of open communication within your family until now then you can’t really be surprised, let alone ‘hurt’ that your DD didn’t feel able to tell you about her relationship. It sounds like it took a lot of courage for her to tell you at all.

It is good that you recognise the issues and intend to apologise.

I think you’ve been harsh with her, and need to stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

She’s a teenager, maybe she’s private or self conscious. Maybe she wanted to tell you for ages and couldn’t find the words. She’s told you now, that’s a good thing. I would say you’re glad she’s told you and she had no need to hide it from you. Give her the option to tell you more about it or keep her relationship private if she wants to.

Well she’s not going to be telling you anything again is she? That was her confiding in you and now you’re doing the silent sulk. If you want a relationship with your daughter apologise for making this all about you.

💯

That means she would have been around 14-15 when they started dating ? Maybe that’s partly why she has waited until now to tell you - she’s 17 and not very much you can do about it. I’d concentrate on getting to know him - if she’s been dating him for over two years then he’s obviously a significant person in her life.

She hasn’t really lied, I wouldn’t accuse her of lying, she just chose not to tell you, I’m sure there are other things she doesn’t tell you too, I remember being 17 and didn’t tell my mum much of what I got up too when I was with friends.

If you make a huge deal about it chances are she won’t tell you anything again. Go easy on her she’s almost an adult.

Just look after her a bit more. It comes across as you don't care. Autistic or not (and I'm ND) you shouldn't just opt out. Even if you are eating different foods, eat in the same place and show an interest in each other.

Be the grown up here!

Did she lie or just not tell you.
It's not the sort of thing you really announce to your parents. Especially if it happens gradually.

On the other hand DD does lie to me about stupid stuff....but I can normally tell if she is hiding something and to be honest if she was seeing anyone that routinely I would have suspected.

Hells bells OP, you sound cold and distant. A mother shouldn't be like that.

You also sound judgemental and entitled.

Your daughter's relationship is not yours to feel 'hurt' over....if she didn't tell you, there's a HUGE reason for that!

Wake up and smell the coffee.....and try to make some effort to change!!!

I mean if she’s been staying over every weekend that’s a bit naive to not realise that…..

I mean I have male friends but I don’t stay over every weekend for years. It’s a bit of a giveaway

Yup, this.

At least she made sure she is safe by asking you to drive her to there and back, quite a clever girl. May be was ashamed of what you might think of her early sexual life

Well there's your answer as to why she didn't tell you. I'm sure she's aware that you don't like him much - she's probably sensed that you wouldn't be happy about the relationship. If they've been dating for 2.5 yrs and he's been to her house twice maybe he didn't feel very welcome?

I think you need to chill. A simple good-natured smiley "Well that was a surprise. Do you want to invite him over?" . Play this down.

Move on. Nothing can change the past.

Ask her if she wants him there for the meal. Take your cue from her. Don't make this about you. Be normal.

As for him being a bit 'off', teenage boys are notoriously shy. They don't make eye contact, don't know what to say or where to look. I bet that's all it is. They're both so young. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Of course you are disappointed you have been lied to for 2 and half years. Most people would be. And no wonder you don't like the boy, he must have known about the lie as well. What can you do about it? Nothing. Talk to your daughter and find out why she felt the need to lie.
Also tell her what you think about him. She is your daughter, of course tell her. Don't expect her to do anything with the information but at least she know. I hate this don't tell your children you don't like their partners nonsense.