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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr DD hid boyfriend from me

156 replies

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 09:51

Was driving 17yr DD home from a male friend she's known for about 3 years. She goes to his house every Friday and sometimes on weekdays.
It was a quiet ride but about 5 minutes before we reached home she said out of nowhere "you know me and my friend are dating right?"
I asked how long for, and she said 2 and a half years. I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent.
I was very upset about it for the rest of the night. I can't believe she would hide that from me for 2 and 1/2 years... anyone else had an experience like this with lying? What should I do?
DD hasn't come down since she went upstairs after we got home.

OP posts:
Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 11:24

Your reaction was disgusting! Giving her the silent treatment (always a horrible, coercive tactic) over a natural rite of passage? Why do you think she felt she needed to keep it from you? Reflect on that and stop thinking about yourself.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:25

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/02/2024 11:24

And I don't mean the bit about "not until you're 30", I mean the "we never discussed relationships" bit.

Oh. Then no, we never really discussed anything like that. She would be embarrassed at anything romantic and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:26

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 11:24

Your reaction was disgusting! Giving her the silent treatment (always a horrible, coercive tactic) over a natural rite of passage? Why do you think she felt she needed to keep it from you? Reflect on that and stop thinking about yourself.

It wasn't the intention to give the 'silent treatment'. Not a word was said before in the car ride except for her saying hi. If she hadn't said anything I wouldn't have said anything either.

OP posts:
Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 11:27

You just sit in silence in the car as like… a normal thing? You’d have just sat in silence after saying hi?

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:27

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 11:27

You just sit in silence in the car as like… a normal thing? You’d have just sat in silence after saying hi?

Yes? What else would we talk about?

OP posts:
SameSameButDeliverance · 09/02/2024 11:29

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:27

Yes? What else would we talk about?

Show quote history

Her day?
What you’re planning to have for dinner?
What her and her now boyfriend had done that day / evening?
Plans for the weekend?
What you’ve been watching on telly?

Bloody hell OP… start chatting to your teen.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 11:31

I don’t think I’ve ever managed to sit in the car with my kids without chatting about stuff. There isn’t anything else to do! It’s a great chat time.

Even in the house, we talk over dinner, we have to pause whatever we’re watching on TV every night because something in the show will spark a conversation. During game night as well is a great time for chat because they’re relaxed, having fun and can be a bit more open then.

Do you guys just not talk?

mitogoshi · 09/02/2024 11:33

Yes invite him to dinner, but be on your best behaviour, no interrogating him! I suspect he's super shy, can come across as rude.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:34

SameSameButDeliverance · 09/02/2024 11:29

Her day?
What you’re planning to have for dinner?
What her and her now boyfriend had done that day / evening?
Plans for the weekend?
What you’ve been watching on telly?

Bloody hell OP… start chatting to your teen.

Show quote history

"What did you do?" "Nothing" since she was a child.
We're a fend for yourself for dinner family, we don't eat together. Everyone prepares their own meal. She never has plans for the weekend. And she doesn't care what I've been watching. I think she'd roll out of the car if I talked about what's happening on my fav shows!

We both have a pretty uneventful life. There's not much to talk about.
We're also both autistic and have been told we're awful at keeping conversations going. We just both don't really see a point unless there's something important we're dying to tell eachother.

OP posts:
Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 11:37

Right. All sort of seems hopeless. Think you just need to accept that you won’t really be included much in her life. That’s just how she has been raised. Fend for herself.

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 11:37

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:20

I'm thinking of inviting him to her birthday dinner next week. But I don't know if that's too high stakes?

invite him to dinner if he doesn't come that's fine.

SameSameButDeliverance · 09/02/2024 11:37

I did wonder if you were ND when you said ‘what would we talk about?’

I get that it’s harder / different for you but it you don’t talk to her, then you can’t then be angry that she’s doesn’t talk to you.

I really would try and engage with her. Who cares if she rolls her eyes at your topics of conversation - it’s what teens do! You just got to keep plugging away!

And try eating together - it’s an important time for families IMO.

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 11:39

ah I see you are autistic does that make navigating things difficult?

CakedUpHigh · 09/02/2024 11:41

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:34

"What did you do?" "Nothing" since she was a child.
We're a fend for yourself for dinner family, we don't eat together. Everyone prepares their own meal. She never has plans for the weekend. And she doesn't care what I've been watching. I think she'd roll out of the car if I talked about what's happening on my fav shows!

We both have a pretty uneventful life. There's not much to talk about.
We're also both autistic and have been told we're awful at keeping conversations going. We just both don't really see a point unless there's something important we're dying to tell eachother.

Show quote history

I was wondering about autism but I didn't want the massive audible eyeroll from 20k mumsnetters after mentioning it!

I'm an autistic mum to autistic children and you do have to try, not just give up and sit in silence. You can't not communicate with your children then complain you don't know about their lives! It's your job to ask and crowbar that tiny morsel of info. out of them. Or to sit bored out of your brain but smiling sweetly and making interested noises as they info. dump about their latest special interest. Your children shouldn't be fending for themselves emotionally at this age.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:43

SameSameButDeliverance · 09/02/2024 11:37

I did wonder if you were ND when you said ‘what would we talk about?’

I get that it’s harder / different for you but it you don’t talk to her, then you can’t then be angry that she’s doesn’t talk to you.

I really would try and engage with her. Who cares if she rolls her eyes at your topics of conversation - it’s what teens do! You just got to keep plugging away!

And try eating together - it’s an important time for families IMO.

You're right. I do feel bad because sometimes when she does say something to me it feels like I'm the brick wall being talked at. It's difficult to come up with responses. I try my best to stay talkative but I've never been talkative at all, not even with my own family.

It's also hard to eat together. We all eat different things with different preparation times, I have no idea how to make the food she likes or vice versa. Plus I usually eat lunch at 3 and dinner at 8. She'll have food at 12 noon and 10pm. Although DD and DS sometimes eat together since they like similar food.

OP posts:
Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:44

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 11:39

ah I see you are autistic does that make navigating things difficult?

I'm not sure! I don't know what it's like to navigate things without it, but I'd assume so.

OP posts:
CakedUpHigh · 09/02/2024 11:47

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:43

You're right. I do feel bad because sometimes when she does say something to me it feels like I'm the brick wall being talked at. It's difficult to come up with responses. I try my best to stay talkative but I've never been talkative at all, not even with my own family.

It's also hard to eat together. We all eat different things with different preparation times, I have no idea how to make the food she likes or vice versa. Plus I usually eat lunch at 3 and dinner at 8. She'll have food at 12 noon and 10pm. Although DD and DS sometimes eat together since they like similar food.

Show quote history

" I have no idea how to make the food she likes or vice versa."

How long has she been fending for herself at meal times that you don't know how to make food she likes? Maybe it's time to learn. You can prepare food together. Separate dishes if you wish but at the same time. It's not too late to try to get to know her and start communicating.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:51

CakedUpHigh · 09/02/2024 11:47

" I have no idea how to make the food she likes or vice versa."

How long has she been fending for herself at meal times that you don't know how to make food she likes? Maybe it's time to learn. You can prepare food together. Separate dishes if you wish but at the same time. It's not too late to try to get to know her and start communicating.

Show quote history

She's a very picky eater. DS was picky but she doesn't even like crisps, pizza, chips, chicken nuggets, all of the things usual picky eaters like. If I asked her what food she liked she'd never be able to tell me.

She just hated eating and mealtimes until she was old enough to start getting her own food. She likes things so spicy just being near the stuff makes my eyes water, and I have to air out the kitchen afterwards. I'd try my hand at it if just being near the process didn't have me wheezing!

OP posts:
Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:52

CakedUpHigh · 09/02/2024 11:41

I was wondering about autism but I didn't want the massive audible eyeroll from 20k mumsnetters after mentioning it!

I'm an autistic mum to autistic children and you do have to try, not just give up and sit in silence. You can't not communicate with your children then complain you don't know about their lives! It's your job to ask and crowbar that tiny morsel of info. out of them. Or to sit bored out of your brain but smiling sweetly and making interested noises as they info. dump about their latest special interest. Your children shouldn't be fending for themselves emotionally at this age.

Show quote history

Thanks for your message. I didn't even think to mention it since I've been told its 'glaringly obvious'! It runs in the family, so being quiet is just normal to me. I love my dad even though we were both like that to each other and didn't feel like I shouldn't say anything to him. So maybe my view was narrowed because of it.
Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
SameSameButDeliverance · 09/02/2024 11:56

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:43

You're right. I do feel bad because sometimes when she does say something to me it feels like I'm the brick wall being talked at. It's difficult to come up with responses. I try my best to stay talkative but I've never been talkative at all, not even with my own family.

It's also hard to eat together. We all eat different things with different preparation times, I have no idea how to make the food she likes or vice versa. Plus I usually eat lunch at 3 and dinner at 8. She'll have food at 12 noon and 10pm. Although DD and DS sometimes eat together since they like similar food.

Show quote history

You could try eating together (going out? Somewhere that offers options for all?) once a week as a start.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Seaweed42 · 09/02/2024 12:02

I think she just is a private person.
She doesn't want you intruding on her private stuff.
She kept you out because it's none of your business.

Now she can't understand why you are getting in a big huff over this.
I don't either.
Let it go. You are making this all about you and your feelings.

She expected you to be pleased for her.
But she got a bad reaction from you.

"I just wish I could've shared the excitement with her when this was all starting out"
The thing is, our teens are not our 'friends'.
We don't 'grow' children in order to provide ourselves with friends.

It's NECESSARY for a teenager to be separate from their mother.
It's how they learn to eventually grow up and live independent lives.

You are the parent. She is the child.

A parent's love for a child is not the same as the child's love for a parent.
One is an apple the other is an orange.
Do not expect her to show you the same love as you feel for her.
Because it's different.

Did you burst into the room and tell your mother excitedly that you fancied someone and were going out with them?

When I hear a mother who describes her teenage daughter is her 'best friend' I already know there is an emotional burden on that daughter.

Maybe when that daughter is 35 they can be more like 'best friends' but mother and teenager - no, there has to be boundaries.

Flottie · 09/02/2024 12:12

Seeline · 09/02/2024 09:55

She goes at least weekly to a male friends house for 2.5 years and you've never once thought he might be her boyfriend?!
I don't think she's been lying - you've just been very naive.
Has he never come to yours?

This. I’d have put two and two together and asked. Also the way she told you sounds a bit like your daughter thought you knew.

shearwater2 · 09/02/2024 12:18

I never talked about boys/relationship matters with my mum until I was about 17 and had a serious boyfriend. I wasn't hiding anything, there was just nothing I wanted to discuss. Ugh, how embarrassing!

I never had a discussion with my dad like that of any kind, and he never asked either.

DDs (18 and 15) are more open with us than I was but I don't pry, they are entitled to keep some things private. You have to learn to ask the right questions at the right time. Which I'm still learning.

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 12:18

I think I would work on ways to spend time together even if you are not talkative. If you don't spend time together, eat together, talk in the car, then how was she supposed to tell you two years ago about this boyfriend. There's no opportunities to interact. You have to built in time together, that suits your personalities, in which some talking can happen if you both want it to.

You are complaining that she didn't talk. You don't talk to her. She doesn't have any places or opportunities to talk. If you carry on doing what you have been doing, you will get what you have always got.

She sounds like she did want to talk to you on this occasion. I would go and say to her- love, I know I'm not a big talker and I'm sorry I handled that wrong. I'm happy that you are happy and I will try to open up more to listen. Sorry again.

Then start creating these opportunities to be together when talking may or may not occur, because she's trying to reach out and wants them!

CakedUpHigh · 09/02/2024 12:24

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:51

She's a very picky eater. DS was picky but she doesn't even like crisps, pizza, chips, chicken nuggets, all of the things usual picky eaters like. If I asked her what food she liked she'd never be able to tell me.

She just hated eating and mealtimes until she was old enough to start getting her own food. She likes things so spicy just being near the stuff makes my eyes water, and I have to air out the kitchen afterwards. I'd try my hand at it if just being near the process didn't have me wheezing!

Show quote history

Wow, that's really unusual. A picky eater who likes spicy food! Not the best suggestion by me then, you'll be sobbing into your dinner!