Page 5 | 17yr DD hid boyfriend from me

unusualbusiness · 2024-02-09T09:51:07+00:00

Was driving 17yr DD home from a male friend she's known for about 3 years. She goes to his house every Friday and sometimes on weekdays. It was a quiet ride but about 5 minutes before we reached home she said out of nowhere "you know me and my friend are dating right?" I asked how long for, and she said 2 and a half years. I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent. I was very upset about it for the rest of the night. I can't believe she would hide that from me for 2 and 1/2 years... anyone else had an experience like this with lying? What should I do? DD hasn't come down since she went upstairs after we got home.

InSpainTheRain · 09/02/2024 12:24

Don't be hurt, she just didn't want to share it. My son dates but doesn't usually say, I'm happy he's out there living his life. I think your sarcastic comment was wrong, I think you should apologise and say you are happy for her but it caught you unawares and hope you patch that over in your relationship.

Doingmybest12 · 09/02/2024 12:26

Sounds like it took some courage to tell you she gas a boyfriend , but I'd have been taken a back too if I hadn't been aware all this time and you've facilitated them having nights together since age 14 and she didn't say the relationship had changed. Also I would ve hoped the other parent might have approached you if they knew. I think its ok to be feeling upset about this. I'm not surprised your response wasn't perfect but you can both move on. Just try and have a chat and think her for telling you now and try and help her be open in the future.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 09/02/2024 12:37

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:04

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.
She never was interested in any of that stuff and never showed any signs of liking anyone. That and I thought it would be very rude to ask if they were an item - as if to say that I don't believe that he's gay.

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and you're wondering why it's taken over 2 years for you to tell her!!!

Shit parenting followed by sarcasm and silence when she eventually builds up the courage to mention it.

Why the hell have you "never really discussed relationships"!!!!???

Your poor daughter!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 09/02/2024 12:44

that last comment should have said 2 years for her to tell you.

DoIhavegreeneyes · 09/02/2024 12:47

Totally understandable, if it was months but she has strung it out a bit I agree.
My mother did not join the recent "Oh my daughter is my best friend" stuff. We were close and had deep love for each other.

Goawaytina · 09/02/2024 12:54

Useful thread, what not to do with my own daughter.
Op you need to fix this by being very gently interested. And supportive

incognito50me · 09/02/2024 13:03

My DD is a bit on the wild side, but she does share things about her romantic life. I, on the other hand, was a pretty secretive teen, so I know how it is not to want to share (I loved and still love my parents, and talked to them about many things, just not about my love life).

Invite the boyfriend over. It doesn't matter if he's shy (I am a shy adult and it's ok). You need to show her that he is welcome in your house.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 09/02/2024 13:24

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:04

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.
She never was interested in any of that stuff and never showed any signs of liking anyone. That and I thought it would be very rude to ask if they were an item - as if to say that I don't believe that he's gay.

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What’s ‘the whole no boyfriends til you’re 30 spiel?’
I’ve never had that. Did she not realise you were joking? Did she actually think you would disapprove of her having a boyfriend?

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 13:33

I have one child who shares and one who doesn't share that much, but it's equally important to have conversations with both, about relationships, consent, contraception, being treated ok, their friends' relationships, standards and all that stuff so that if and when they do share, you have a basis on which to do so. My daughter who doesn't tell me if she's seeing someone a couple of times has the right to privacy, but we talk around and about relationships and sex and that allows her to keep herself safer. It's not an all or nothing situation

BoohooWoohoo · 09/02/2024 13:34

Having read your update about the bf… have you considered that he might be ND too? Considering that you don’t seem to talk or spend time with your dd very much, it’s unfair to criticise someone who is awkward and doesn’t talk much.

Ask your dd about him. Being interested in him will hopefully help undo yesterday

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/02/2024 13:46

MonsteraMama · 09/02/2024 10:12

So you haven't spoken to her about relationships for a decade, the last time you did was to tell her no boyfriends until 30, you've never asked her or shown any interest in her relationships, and you're confused as to why she's struggled to find a way to confide this news to you?

She's probably been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you for ages, and your childish reaction has now confirmed to her that she was right not to confide in you.

I agree op but it's fixable

Gillypie23 · 09/02/2024 13:51

Speak to her invite him round and get to know him.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2024 14:24

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:20

I'm thinking of inviting him to her birthday dinner next week. But I don't know if that's too high stakes?

Ask her what she'd like to do

Itsachange · 09/02/2024 14:32

I can understand you being a bit hurt, but she hasn't done anything wrong and has told you something that matters to her. Time to make sure she knows she can talk to you about this stuff. Ask her what she wants re the birthday.

zeibesaffron · 09/02/2024 14:45

MonsteraMama · 09/02/2024 10:12

So you haven't spoken to her about relationships for a decade, the last time you did was to tell her no boyfriends until 30, you've never asked her or shown any interest in her relationships, and you're confused as to why she's struggled to find a way to confide this news to you?

She's probably been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you for ages, and your childish reaction has now confirmed to her that she was right not to confide in you.

Absolutely this!!

You now have an opportunity to make this right - invite him over, get to know him! Your DD didn’t tell you for a reason your anger/ disappointment should be self directed.

Travelban · 10/02/2024 07:51

I agree with everyone else. First I would talk to her and explain your reaction and reassure her that you are very happy for her. There is a lot of ground to cover here ... she must have been only 14 and a half or 15 when first dating and navigated it all by herself, that is quite a big thing.

I can see why you are upset but sometimes as a parent we have to learn from our mistakes. It doesn't pay to be too reserved with teenagers sometimes. Best to push them to open up as they are just contrained by embarassment and fears sometimes.

Travelban · 10/02/2024 07:57

Ps good point by another post about the other parent.. cannot imagine having a 14 year old girlfriend here and not making contact with the other parent for all sorts of reasons. Sadly though I do many parents like this. Doesn't make it right.

SGBK4862 · 10/02/2024 08:19

It's a bit much to say you don't like him because he is rude. Having met a lot of teenagers in recent years via my own kids inviting friends round, many are awkward initially in meeting their friends' parents in the parent's house. As the adult, it's incumbent on you to be welcoming; on the other hand they can find it too much if you overdo it. Some have adult-level social skills at this age, but many do not. As long as they treat my children well, they are welcome.

Jennyjojo5 · 10/02/2024 08:24

TheCadoganArms · 09/02/2024 10:16

My mother was hyper critical when it came to any potential/actual relationship I had in my teens. It got to the point where I stopped telling her anything because I hated the negative scrutiny. This affected me all the way through uni and my early 20s where my default position was to keep all relationships secret from my parents. Sure they thought I was gay at one point.

I’m 45 and I still hide relationships from my mum because of her critical ways! She’s never been welcoming to any of them (she’s an amazing mother and grandma but for some reason will not accept any Boyf i have and is extremely unwelcoming to them)

ive been the opposite with my boys (18 and 22) and they even tell me the morning after they’ve had a snog (or more!) with a girl at a party!

incognito50me · 10/02/2024 08:26

Travelban · 10/02/2024 07:57

Ps good point by another post about the other parent.. cannot imagine having a 14 year old girlfriend here and not making contact with the other parent for all sorts of reasons. Sadly though I do many parents like this. Doesn't make it right.

Yes. This is why I made contact with my then 14 year old DD's boyfriend's mother. It was the right thing to do.

Travelban · 10/02/2024 08:36

@incognito50me same here!

Startingagainandagain · 10/02/2024 08:51

I would say from your reaction that it is understandable that your daughter did not confide in you.

It is perfectly normal for her to date yet you reacted in a really immature way and made this all about you.

You should also have had a serious conversation with her about sex and relationship by the time she turned 13/14.

Frankly she sounds like the reasonable and adult one in this story.

YorkBound · 10/02/2024 09:15

Hi @unusualbusiness
I'm half way down the thread and I just want to say that Car Chats are some of the easiest times for your teens to be open with you as there isn't the pressure of face to face intensity but it's also enclosed and intimate without distractions.. I have three teens (including DS 19 Autistic) and they all love a car chat with their mum. It has been a place of safe communication in the hardest of times for my DD 15.
Please have a think about just asking about your DD's day when she gets in the car. It's fine if she doesn't respond enthusiastically. Give her a daft anecdote about your day after you've asked about hers. Tell her how great she looks, tell her you thought of her earlier that day when..., that you relayed something she did that made you smile / laugh / proud to a friend / family member.
Find opportunities for positive communication with the independent young woman in front of you that still needs her mum. That'll be why she bothered telling you at all. All the best.

SausageRoll5862 · 10/02/2024 13:13

She's SEVENTEEN not seven! It makes me wonder what it is about YOU that she decided to wait 2.5 years to tell you!

Did you ever tell her she ''can't date'' until she's 90 and only then with your permission? She needs and deserves her privacy!

If he's gay then that's a good thing as you won't have to worry about being a granny!

I think you way over-reacted, this is 2024 not the Medieval Times when women didn't have the right to have their own brains!

They've been together for 2.5 years, that shows dedication and commitment to me.

Invite him round to your place or go out to a cafe or something, try to get to know him. He's probably a really nice lad.

ZombieGirl86 · 10/02/2024 13:18

She didnt hide it shes obviously just worked out you hadnt worked it out. Your reaction is silly