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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr DD hid boyfriend from me

156 replies

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 09:51

Was driving 17yr DD home from a male friend she's known for about 3 years. She goes to his house every Friday and sometimes on weekdays.
It was a quiet ride but about 5 minutes before we reached home she said out of nowhere "you know me and my friend are dating right?"
I asked how long for, and she said 2 and a half years. I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent.
I was very upset about it for the rest of the night. I can't believe she would hide that from me for 2 and 1/2 years... anyone else had an experience like this with lying? What should I do?
DD hasn't come down since she went upstairs after we got home.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 09/02/2024 10:43

Aah, Ok. Well maybe just say he’s welcome at anytime. And you’re happy she’s happy.

But people rarely end up with the person they meet as a very young teen, so if you’re not a fan, don’t dwell on that too much at this point.

If it makes you feel better, I found out my daughter had a boyfriend via an innocent comment by one of her younger sister’s mates! And I can’t let her know that I know!

Maybeicanhelpyou · 09/02/2024 10:43

It shouldn’t be brought up at all!!!

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 10:44

It doesn’t matter if you don’t like him. Unless he has actually done something tangible for you to discuss because you’re worried, you don’t say that. And if you do need to discuss anything, you do it gently and carefully until you’ve built a better relationship with her. Honestly, the more you reveal about your thinking, the worse it gets.

You really need to regulate yourself if you want an open relationship with her.

Flopsythebunny · 09/02/2024 10:45

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:19

No, I'm her mother.

Show quote history

You don't sound to have a close relationship with your daughter? Is there a reason for that?

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 10:47

never bring it up you don't like him keep your dd interests close but unless he is obviously unlikeable and abusive you don't have to like him you just need to be civil and pleasant.

WandaWonder · 09/02/2024 10:48

This is not about you all you seem to be going on about is 'poor me how can anyone do this to me'

Think about your child

BoohooWoohoo · 09/02/2024 10:48

Maybe it’s time to think why she generally goes to his house rather than it being more 50/50.

Yes, you need to be complimentary about his boyfriend unless he’s done something bad. If you can’t fake enthusiasm then stick to your happy she’s happy sort of comments.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:48

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 10:44

It doesn’t matter if you don’t like him. Unless he has actually done something tangible for you to discuss because you’re worried, you don’t say that. And if you do need to discuss anything, you do it gently and carefully until you’ve built a better relationship with her. Honestly, the more you reveal about your thinking, the worse it gets.

You really need to regulate yourself if you want an open relationship with her.

It's mostly the fact that when he visits he doesn't really acknowledge me much in a way that comes off as rude. He'll nod at me if I say hello or goodbye. I feel like he doesn't really care to establish a relationship with me (especially if he's been dating my daughter for 2.5 years!)
The most I've heard from him is a 'thank you' after dropping him off after the two have been to a concert.
Maybe I'm just catastrophising. I want her to be with someone as pleasant as she is.

OP posts:
HandSelectedBy898 · 09/02/2024 10:50

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:37

That's the plan. I'm happy she's found someone she likes. I just wish I could've shared the excitement with her when this was all starting out.

I don't like the boyfriend much but not sure when it's a good idea to bring it up at all after my reaction. Or if it just shouldn't be brought up at all.

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Great update op! 👏👏👏

No I’m afraid you are not allowed to make comments about his character unless you are worried in any way about his behaviour and even then you have to address it in the most oblique terms and just plant a few hypothetical questions here and there to make her think. Obviously you go straight in like a bullet if you think she is in any serious danger or being coerced to do things that she hasn’t really consented to do.

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 10:51

he's a teenage boy I'm assuming they are the same age he is acknowledged you in his own way and you say he's hardly at your house.all you need to do Is say hi "Tom" how are you.wait for the nod or reply that's it they are not your friends.

HandSelectedBy898 · 09/02/2024 10:54

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:48

It's mostly the fact that when he visits he doesn't really acknowledge me much in a way that comes off as rude. He'll nod at me if I say hello or goodbye. I feel like he doesn't really care to establish a relationship with me (especially if he's been dating my daughter for 2.5 years!)
The most I've heard from him is a 'thank you' after dropping him off after the two have been to a concert.
Maybe I'm just catastrophising. I want her to be with someone as pleasant as she is.

Show quote history

OK so not saying hello politely is a bit rude but more likely the lad is incredibly shy and tying himself up in paroxysms of self doubt rather than being deliberately impolite op. Can you remember what it was like being a teenager or young adult? You can try and get to know him over pizza in a relaxed way before you drop them off one night, but he doesn’t really have to establish a deep and meaningful relationship with you at this stage.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 10:59

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:48

It's mostly the fact that when he visits he doesn't really acknowledge me much in a way that comes off as rude. He'll nod at me if I say hello or goodbye. I feel like he doesn't really care to establish a relationship with me (especially if he's been dating my daughter for 2.5 years!)
The most I've heard from him is a 'thank you' after dropping him off after the two have been to a concert.
Maybe I'm just catastrophising. I want her to be with someone as pleasant as she is.

Show quote history

He’s just being a teenager. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Really, you need to sort your thinking out.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/02/2024 11:01

Look, some teenagers want to be private about these things. They don't want you to be all excited and 'Ooh you've got a boyfriend - how exciting!!!' with them about it, because it's a bit cringe. Or maybe she was a bit nervous/embarrassed to tell you 2.5 years ago when she was younger, and then once she'd hidden it, it became harder and harder to then say 'Oh.. ummm... actually he's my boyfriend!'

I suspected my 17yo dd was in a relationship with someone in her friendship group and it turned out she had a girlfriend. We have a great relationship and there's no way she thought I would be angry or judgmental etc. She just wasn't ready to talk about it. In the end I asked her, she admitted it and I think she was happy she'd told me.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:02

BoohooWoohoo · 09/02/2024 10:48

Maybe it’s time to think why she generally goes to his house rather than it being more 50/50.

Yes, you need to be complimentary about his boyfriend unless he’s done something bad. If you can’t fake enthusiasm then stick to your happy she’s happy sort of comments.

They stay there because boyfriend's house is larger, has more snacks/food and things to do around it. From what I heard he has a decently sized room instead of hers which is quite small.

I understand it's a bad idea to bring my thoughts about her boyfriend up. I'll keep them to myself and apologise whenever she wakes up.

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 09/02/2024 11:06

Say your sorry, say you are pleased she is happy, say he is welcome at any time and have a chat about contraception. DS first girlfriend at that age was not that engaged with us but i was always friendly, always had an offer of a meal and spoke to him about keeping them both safe.

Teacup19 · 09/02/2024 11:06

Try to shift the focus off you.

  1. You're disappointed that you didn't get to share in the excitement of HER new relationship? I don't think there's any place for a mother in this (and I have a DD)
  2. YOU don't like him and want to bring it up (it's not your place to do this, it's her decision to make)
  3. He doesn't make an effort with YOU. (It doesn't matter, he needs to be making an effort with her)
Is it possible that she finds you a bit controlling?
Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:15

Teacup19 · 09/02/2024 11:06

Try to shift the focus off you.

  1. You're disappointed that you didn't get to share in the excitement of HER new relationship? I don't think there's any place for a mother in this (and I have a DD)
  2. YOU don't like him and want to bring it up (it's not your place to do this, it's her decision to make)
  3. He doesn't make an effort with YOU. (It doesn't matter, he needs to be making an effort with her)
Is it possible that she finds you a bit controlling?

I don't know why she'd find me controlling.
She's basically got free reign, to go out, hang out with friends when she was in high school, go to sleepovers, go to concerts. I'd never tell her she can't date someone because it's not my call to make.

OP posts:
Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 11:18

Not controlling, but disapproving. It's a shame he wasn't more welcome even as a friend, as he was obviously a good friend. Make this right, apologise and make your home more welcoming.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:20

I'm thinking of inviting him to her birthday dinner next week. But I don't know if that's too high stakes?

OP posts:
Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 11:20

And it IS hard work making teen boys open up, just smile, offer food and seem pleasant, they relax and it will improve. It is all a bit painful going, but they are 15, 16, 17!

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 09/02/2024 11:21

I would start with opening lines of communication first and see what she wants.

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/02/2024 11:23

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.

This is a joke, yes?

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 09/02/2024 11:24

They stay there because boyfriend's house is larger, has more snacks/food and things to do around it. From what I heard he has a decently sized room instead of hers which is quite small.

Teen couples don't care about that stuff. They go where they feel safe, comfortable and welcome.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 11:24

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/02/2024 11:23

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.

This is a joke, yes?

It was a joke, yes.

OP posts:
ObliviousCoalmine · 09/02/2024 11:24

And I don't mean the bit about "not until you're 30", I mean the "we never discussed relationships" bit.