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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr DD hid boyfriend from me

156 replies

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 09:51

Was driving 17yr DD home from a male friend she's known for about 3 years. She goes to his house every Friday and sometimes on weekdays.
It was a quiet ride but about 5 minutes before we reached home she said out of nowhere "you know me and my friend are dating right?"
I asked how long for, and she said 2 and a half years. I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent.
I was very upset about it for the rest of the night. I can't believe she would hide that from me for 2 and 1/2 years... anyone else had an experience like this with lying? What should I do?
DD hasn't come down since she went upstairs after we got home.

OP posts:
ColdButSunny · 09/02/2024 10:13

FrenchandSaunders · 09/02/2024 10:01

Oh dear OP, not the best reaction from you. You’re bound to be surprised but to ignore her like that is odd.

Go up to her and start a convo, find out why she felt she couldn’t tell you, ask her how serious it is, tell her you’d like him to come over more, get a takeaway, get to know him.

Sorry I meant to quote this

Mrsjayy · 09/02/2024 10:13

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:07

I understand being sarcastic wasn't a good choice. I was very hurt and that's how I react when I don't want people to know. I'm just still very upset she kept this from me for so long.

this Is 1 of these things that isn't about you or your feelings she is entitled to a private life and she's told you now,deep breaths and apologise for the sarcasm it doesn't matter if you thought he was gay sexuality fluid and as I said atm he's her boyfriend so be a bit more upbeat about it.

Snowdropsarecoming · 09/02/2024 10:13

keiratwiceknightly · 09/02/2024 09:57

Give her half an hour and take her a cuppa. Apologise if your reaction was odd - you were taken by surprise. Say you're pleased that they are obviously committed to each other and make it clear he is welcome at your house. Then leave her to it.

(Except that you need to check - when the dust is settled - that she has proper contraception in place. But not yet.)

This is good advice.

Mumoftwo1312 · 09/02/2024 10:14

You've got to move past your feeling of being offended and get into supportive mode asap because chances are they might be sexually active and she might need support with contraception and other medical stuff

Snowdropsarecoming · 09/02/2024 10:14

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:04

We never really discussed relationships. The last time I can think we talked about any of that stuff was when she was 7 and I was doing the whole "no boyfriends till you're 30" spiel.
She never was interested in any of that stuff and never showed any signs of liking anyone. That and I thought it would be very rude to ask if they were an item - as if to say that I don't believe that he's gay.

Show quote history

Well, now we know why she felt she couldn’t tell you.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 09/02/2024 10:14

unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:07

I understand being sarcastic wasn't a good choice. I was very hurt and that's how I react when I don't want people to know. I'm just still very upset she kept this from me for so long.

The problem is that you’ve made this all about you. And it isn’t. Put you big girl pants on, accept that’s she’s growing up. Say sorry and move on. Be much more light hearted or she’ll completely close off from you

Onelifeonly · 09/02/2024 10:16

I understand your hurt. My kids are pretty open about such things and I sometimes get more information than I need (!). But as a teen myself, I didn't want to talk to my parents about about my dating life and neither did my friends with their parents.

It's odd she said he was gay though (unless he really told her that) as it sounds like she lied in case you banned their relationship. She was much younger then though and had maybe felt awkward about telling you?

TheCadoganArms · 09/02/2024 10:16

My mother was hyper critical when it came to any potential/actual relationship I had in my teens. It got to the point where I stopped telling her anything because I hated the negative scrutiny. This affected me all the way through uni and my early 20s where my default position was to keep all relationships secret from my parents. Sure they thought I was gay at one point.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 09/02/2024 10:16

Snowdropsarecoming · 09/02/2024 10:13

This is good advice.

Show quote history

She’s 17! She’s and been seeing him for 2 1/2 years, I dare say that’s probably already all sorted. She sounds like a lovely mature young lady

VaddaABeetch · 09/02/2024 10:17

Are you male @unusualbusiness ?

Saymyname28 · 09/02/2024 10:18

I was so hurt I just sarcastically thanked her for telling me and the rest of the trip was silent

This is why.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:19

VaddaABeetch · 09/02/2024 10:17

Are you male @unusualbusiness ?

No, I'm her mother.

OP posts:
FacingTheWall · 09/02/2024 10:21

The only sensible answer to being told about a teen relationship is “That’s lovely!” Anything else will just set up unnecessary conflict.

I wonder why you’re framing her need for privacy as lying to you. Teens don’t like to share stuff about relationships, and keeping stuff private whilst they’re navigating all sorts of new feelings and situations is absolutely fine. It’s not about you!

Teacup19 · 09/02/2024 10:24

OP, you don't have a right to be hurt here I'm afraid. Your daughter however does, from your reaction. She didn't lie to you and she doesn't need to tell you if she has a boyfriend. She probably didn't tell you because she knew how you'd react.

You can make it right by apologising to her for your reaction, thanking her for sharing with you, and inviting him around for tea.

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:24

FacingTheWall · 09/02/2024 10:21

The only sensible answer to being told about a teen relationship is “That’s lovely!” Anything else will just set up unnecessary conflict.

I wonder why you’re framing her need for privacy as lying to you. Teens don’t like to share stuff about relationships, and keeping stuff private whilst they’re navigating all sorts of new feelings and situations is absolutely fine. It’s not about you!

She's been calling him her 'friend' this entire time.
I just don't see why she didn't tell me when it started. When I had my first boyfriend my mum knew all about it!

I will apologise to her for the reaction. I was very hurt and reacted badly. I understand it's not about me but its hard to hide my feelings about it.

OP posts:
Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 10:25

You really don’t come across well. No wonder she didn’t tell you and can’t discuss this stuff with you.

I’ve got two boys, and maybe that’s different but we’re really open about relationships, dating, safe sex. I’ve never made snide or sarcastic comments about dating or age limits, I’ve never made them feel worry or shame over this stuff. It’s all very breezy chat and they talk to me.

You sound judgemental. Even your reaction; the idea that she has lied to you. She just didn’t spell it out to you. And if she had, it sounds like you’d have told her off for dating someone.

Really, when your kid can’t talk to you, it says more about you than me. How you react to
this could quite literally define your relationship with her for the rest of you life. So, be chill. Ask what she likes about him, if she is happy, invite him round for dinner. Be happy for her and nice about it. Do not mention anything about not being told, about lies and secrets or whatever else you want to judge her for. You’ve got work to do if you want her to start seeing you as someone she can talk to.

Foxblue · 09/02/2024 10:25

Okay, so she didn't tell you, for whatever reason.
But you are a parent - she hadn't told you 'mum, I'm pregnant' or some other massive thing that might mean you struggle to keep your emotions in check. This is very middle tier.
The FACT its middle tier, that she didn't tell you for so long, understandably would bring mixed emotions up in you, but its not so earth shattering that you shouldn't have been able to go 'oh, that's nice sweetheart, he seems like a lovely lad, does he treat you well?' Or other such response.
Noones perfect, we all get taken by surprise, but you really couldn't have just taken a breath and given a positive response in the moment? It really wouldn't have been that hard, it's not earth shattering news is it.
You could have then gone away and cooled down and gone back to her at a later point and asked 'so I'm curious, why didn't you tell me sooner?'
Can you see why the fact you had a knee jerk negative response to this news might be the exact reason why she kept this from you?
What are your thoughts? Do you have an idea of possible reasons? It could just be she felt shy about it!

Moier · 09/02/2024 10:28

But she hasn't lied.. she just didn't tell you.
In a year she will be an adult.
It's normal teenage behaviour .
What should you do?
Say oh that's really lovely.. would he like to come for Sunday dinner?.

lljkk · 09/02/2024 10:28

it's fair enough to tell her you're hurt that she hid it so long.
but no point in getting angry, that won't help anyone

What would you have said if she told you when she was 14-15 that she liked him & they wanted to date each other?

W0tnow · 09/02/2024 10:29

Ok. Go upstairs. Say, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Thanks for telling me. I just wanted to say that I like ( whatever his name is), I’m glad you’re happy. I’m sorry and I love you.

Thats it. Then leave it. In a week or so, tell her to ask him over. Or just tell her that he’s always welcome.

HandSelectedBy898 · 09/02/2024 10:29

She finally told you something op and you made it about you. 🥲

Sorry to sound harsh but that is why, I suspect, she kept it hidden.

She didn’t want to lie to you any more and your response was sarcastic???

You could have smiled and said “thanks for telling me, I wasn’t sure” and then asked if she was happy? Ask about contraception? Does she know about consent?

If you had concerns about the fact that he lied about being gay you could discuss that too.

With teens it’s all about tone and timing and choosing your words carefully. It’s easy to get it wrong.

HandSelectedBy898 · 09/02/2024 10:29

W0tnow · 09/02/2024 10:29

Ok. Go upstairs. Say, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Thanks for telling me. I just wanted to say that I like ( whatever his name is), I’m glad you’re happy. I’m sorry and I love you.

Thats it. Then leave it. In a week or so, tell her to ask him over. Or just tell her that he’s always welcome.

This ^

earlyfeb24 · 09/02/2024 10:30

I hid my first boyfriend from my mum for about 6 months when I was 15. She would always make disparaging remarks about girls who had boyfriends and how they should be concentrating on school work and that boys were a waste of time. She made me feel like wanting love/romance was somehow shameful.

Not saying this is what you have done OP, but this is why I did it.

W0tnow · 09/02/2024 10:32

I didn’t tell my mum much as a teen. I always swore that my girls could and would tell me everything. They don’t! Maybe because they have each other? They’re quite close, maybe that’s why.

But yeah. Make amends. You can bet that she’s just text him to tell you exactly what went down! You’ve got some ground to make up, but it’s easily done. We all make mistakes!

Original poster
unusualbusiness · 09/02/2024 10:37

W0tnow · 09/02/2024 10:29

Ok. Go upstairs. Say, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Thanks for telling me. I just wanted to say that I like ( whatever his name is), I’m glad you’re happy. I’m sorry and I love you.

Thats it. Then leave it. In a week or so, tell her to ask him over. Or just tell her that he’s always welcome.

That's the plan. I'm happy she's found someone she likes. I just wish I could've shared the excitement with her when this was all starting out.

I don't like the boyfriend much but not sure when it's a good idea to bring it up at all after my reaction. Or if it just shouldn't be brought up at all.

OP posts: