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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
Toastandcoldsaltedbutter · 23/12/2023 18:15

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 23/12/2023 13:41

He’s the monster you created OP. Nobody ever decided to get off their arse and do chores when they’ve never needed or been expected to before.

Edited

I agree.

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 18:15

Azandme · 23/12/2023 13:26

Give him whatever it takes to get your laptop back. Lock it away, THEN remove all privileges as a response to his blackmail. How dare he?!

No more extra protein foods.

No more protein powders.

No more lifts.

No more laundry.

Dirty dishes from sink would get dumped in his bed.

If he won't do anything for you or your shared home, reciprocate in kind and stop doing things for him. He's an adult.

He can earn things back by pulling his weight.

I'd also ask him who the fuck he thinks he is.

Edited

This

If he doesn't think he has to listen to you and contribute, then he can move out. Tell him that.

Bamboozles · 23/12/2023 18:16

They change! When he's 38/40 you'll be back to loving him!

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 18:18

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

You can.

You stop buying him the eggs, the milk, the protein powder, the creatine, all of the extras.

You stop giving him lifts to anywhere except school if you get him there.

You stop funding his bone idleness. He's not contributing? Then he can go without spending money.

Lock up food for his sibling if you have to; fridge locker; so he can't take it.

YouJustDoYou · 23/12/2023 18:20

You've been enabling him for far too long. Time to get tough. Those were perfectly fine things to say to a petulant little shit - I would've been, and have been, far more harsh with my children. They know they will be told if their behaviour is being vile. Stop doing everything for him, fgs. Stop right now! He does EVERYTHING himself - his own damn laundry, his own damn lifts, he can't afford public transport/his stupid protein? Tough fucking titties, that's life, suck it up! Get a damn job.

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 18:21

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

That almost sounds the same?

if you are safe and not under threat, then you can tell him there's no money for his keep, he's an adult, he must leave if he doesn't get work in a month.

i think being kicked out now would be the best option but I can see you won't want to do that.

Karrak · 23/12/2023 18:32

What to do?

The army provides accommodation and free clothes. As much exercise as he wants. They are also unfussed whether he has A levels or not.

SheSaidHummingbird · 23/12/2023 18:35

He needs to move out. He is an adult, and he needs to learn that an easy, comfortable life won't be handed to him on a silver platter.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/12/2023 18:36

Bamboozles · 23/12/2023 18:16

They change! When he's 38/40 you'll be back to loving him!

I really hope this is a joke

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 23/12/2023 18:38

slore · 23/12/2023 17:35

That is a shockingly unethical diet. Climate change is a thing - this diet isn't necessary or justifiable, there are other ways for him to get protein that won't ruin our only habitable planet.

Show quote history

This is what you took from the thread?
OP is being intimidated and threatened (even if she can't see it) by her son. And you are wittering about climate change? Get a grip.

SheSaidHummingbird · 23/12/2023 18:38

Was also going to mention the theft but I see others have already pointed this out.

SheSaidHummingbird · 23/12/2023 18:39

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 23/12/2023 18:38

This is what you took from the thread?
OP is being intimidated and threatened (even if she can't see it) by her son. And you are wittering about climate change? Get a grip.

Show quote history

@Thisreallyisntmyproblem Well said.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 23/12/2023 18:40

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

Well no you can’t make him do things. He isn’t an 8yo child that you can physically force to do stuff. Taking away stuff from him is the type of leverage you had when he was a child. But he isn’t a child anymore and it wasn’t going to work.

You do have Ieverage and tools though.
You can stop buying so much stuff fir him. The eggs, meat, protein powder etc…
You can stop giving him lifts.
Nit in an angry way. But simply telling him rules in the house have changed. You expect xyz to happen fir you to do all of the above. Think carefully before hand.
Maybe actually tell him protein powders and extra protein have to be bought by him - therefore he has to work if he wants them.
Buy the minimum for the day (A pain but then he can’t eat the whole of tte shopping in one day)
Chores = lifts etc….
Id forget about the bedroom but tell him you expect him to deal with his own washing etc… then close the door.
Because you certainly can’t force him to do stuff, but that doesn’t mean you have to do whatever he tells you to do.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 23/12/2023 18:42

Tbh I wouldn’t go down the route if theft. Because in that case, the OP also committed theft on her ds stuff….

Undineimmor · 23/12/2023 18:44

He is a young adult and she is his mother. I second dealing with this issue gently then introducing rules in the future to pay for his eggs. Every mother loves their child so much. I am sure he loves her too behind the stubbornness.
The thought of throwing out an 18 year out is unforgivable and could ruin his whole life. He just needs a reality check and some discipline. It's never too late .

Delpf · 23/12/2023 18:45

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 23/12/2023 18:42

Tbh I wouldn’t go down the route if theft. Because in that case, the OP also committed theft on her ds stuff….

Well, no. She bought that stuff/presumably pays for his phone contract, given that he has no job.

Curlewwoohoo · 23/12/2023 18:45

This sounds really difficult and my kids are not at this age yet so I've got no hands on parenting advice. But I just wanted to say that I remember my brother at this age, he's 7yrs younger than me. He was horrible. But then at about 24, he suddenly emerged from his pit, came into the kitchen and had a full conversation, he was reasonable, he was witty, he was nice. It was an almost instant transformation. So my only thought is that brain development wise, he's not there yet. He's a selfish risk taker, developmentally. That doesn't let him off his behavior and I'm not sure how you should play things to deescalate the situation now but still improve things going forwards. But it is perhaps helpful to think it's a long game you're playing in raising a reasonable human.

MsMcGonagall · 23/12/2023 18:49

I would ratchet the stress right down. So, give his stuff back, get your laptop returned.

Then I would be seeking some conversations with him about ... life, how the world works... not in a punishment style manner, but adult to adult.

My DC have had much more awareness of this, built up for many years, eg, they know that I go to work so that the mortgage gets paid and food gets bought. I can't imagine them hiding my laptop because they know the correlation between me working on that laptop and money coming in.

It's about time your DS made the connection between your laptop and his eggs etc.

Sometimes I think they lost some innocence too early but now I think its good. We didn't hide it when we couldn't afford certain things.

DC 18 (A levels) has a part time job. Could your DC get a job at the gym or health food shop, something relevant to his interests?

stomachameleon · 23/12/2023 18:56

@TheGhostOfTheOpera as a mother of three sons who are pretty much grown up I agree with everything you have written.

Give him back his powder but don't buy it again.
If he wants 80 eggs he gets a job and buys them.
Same for powder and food beyond what you eat normally.

You do have the ability to change this. Then he will alter when he realises you are serious.

Meemawdebs68 · 23/12/2023 18:59

OP I do have a lot of empathy…. It’s extremely difficult to nurture a child -and whatever his age he is YOUR child -and yet retain control of your household. Yes he is absolutely in the wrong re work laptop and yes you need to find a way to communicate to him that his life choices/ protein powder eggs etc are HIS choices and NOT your obligation to fulfil. I would begin by calmly asking him to tell you exactly what he believes should happen- then explain what you see as his and your roles in that. Turn the tables- he will believe he has control and you can calmly explain that until he has the means to pay his way you will be the adult and you will call the shots. Younger child- ask him to explain to you why he looks up to the older one and explain that if older one gets everything he wants that will mean you and younger one will have to go without. Have been in your position and happy to advise and/or support you x

Daleksatemyshed · 23/12/2023 19:00

And this is how the famous MN Cocklodgers appear. Dad's a rubbish role model who doesn't bother with his sons so DM takes on being their only decent parent, but unless it's handled right the boys grow up seeing women as the housekeepers, the money providers, they see themselves as the man of the house but with no idea of the real meaning of the word. The Op's given her eldest everything he's wanted but he doesn't see himself as her equal, he sees himself as her superior, silly little woman he can ignore because she won't back up any talk with actions.
I'm really sorry Op but unless you have make a radical change here then your DS will never have any respect for you or for any woman who comes after you. Worse still he's become the male role model for your younger children so this pattern will just repeat itself. I'm sure you did everything out of love but it's time to wake up and smell the coffee

coodawoodashooda · 23/12/2023 19:59

stomachameleon · 23/12/2023 18:56

@TheGhostOfTheOpera as a mother of three sons who are pretty much grown up I agree with everything you have written.

Give him back his powder but don't buy it again.
If he wants 80 eggs he gets a job and buys them.
Same for powder and food beyond what you eat normally.

You do have the ability to change this. Then he will alter when he realises you are serious.

Do you have any tips you could share?

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 23/12/2023 20:05

Delpf · 23/12/2023 18:45

Well, no. She bought that stuff/presumably pays for his phone contract, given that he has no job.

Show quote history

But it’s his - basically given as a gift.
The fact she has paid for it doesn’t mean she can take it away.

slore · 23/12/2023 20:31

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 23/12/2023 18:38

This is what you took from the thread?
OP is being intimidated and threatened (even if she can't see it) by her son. And you are wittering about climate change? Get a grip.

Show quote history

It's only our one and only planet dying. Not important at all, ever🙄

I figured that on this long thread, everyone else would have already pointed out the obvious, regarding solutions for her problem son.

And no one else would have mentioned that his gluttonous, unnecessary diet is another example of his selfish parasitism, and she really shouldn't feel obligated to facilitate it.

stomachameleon · 23/12/2023 20:32

@coodawoodashooda I am being honest if it was me I would full on hulk and get my laptop back. I couldn't care less that they are all bigger than me they know I have a temper....

But she is not me.

As it's Christmas I would give his stuff back but stop buying things. I get why people don't. Getting in the ring with teenagers is not fun but he could be at home another ten years. You have to reset the balance. And it's not a good example to lead the other children. Sometimes the uncomfortable things are the right things.

No is a whole sentence and everything.