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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
DeeLusional · 23/12/2023 16:23

You didn't answer - is there an adult male in the house? Teenage males often try to be the alpha in the absence of a male figure stronger than they are.

MinnieCauldwell · 23/12/2023 16:23

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/12/2023 16:18

Imagine how he will treat his girlfriend in the future op!

Stop doing anything for him. These are the consequences of abusive and controlling behaviour. Second he leaves, pack his bags and leave them by the door outside with a note explaining why you're doing what you're doing.

He needs to learn he doesn't treat women this way.

HE WILL BEHAVE THE EXACT SAME WAY TO HIS PARTNER. And he will have learned it off you because he will think this is all women are good for.

Indeed, to those that think he is still a child, he just might be dating your DD next year

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 16:26

DeeLusional · 23/12/2023 16:23

You didn't answer - is there an adult male in the house? Teenage males often try to be the alpha in the absence of a male figure stronger than they are.

Read OP posts. This has been answered.

i hope you're okay, OP.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 23/12/2023 16:28

I don’t have anything that helpful to suggest OP but wanted to say I understand where you are coming from when they are physically bigger than you but still your child. I am going through similar. I have no answers but some of the answers on here are just daft in reality. It isn’t that easy to just say no, and not buy stuff when you are all living together. Sometimes it has helped me to wait a week then when it is all calmed down, have a calmer conversation.

InShockHusbandLeaving · 23/12/2023 16:29

Things have gone very wrong OP 😮 I would never allow myself to be blackmailed by my own child. If he prefers being homeless then I suggest you let him give it a go.

caringcarer · 23/12/2023 16:30

Give him back his stuff to get your laptop back. Stop buying him the whey powder and be too busy to give him lifts. He will get the message if you had a bit of help around the house you wouldn't be so busy so might have time to drive him around.

BornIn78 · 23/12/2023 16:30

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 16:26

Read OP posts. This has been answered.

i hope you're okay, OP.

Show quote history

Read OP posts. It hasn’t been answered actually.

YoBeaches · 23/12/2023 16:31

Well you are tearing him like a child really. 18 can be a tricky age but you are enabling him.

Stop the lifts and Kay down some house rules which if he doesn't follow, 3 strikes and is out.

He is officially and legally an adult so you need to change your approach to treat him like one.

Amazedtobesane · 23/12/2023 16:32

BornIn78 · 23/12/2023 16:30

Read OP posts. It hasn’t been answered actually.

Show quote history

OP said:

His dad lives abroad. He's a problem person too. Abusive. Deceitful. We are divorced. Kids don't like to see him too often.

Ceci03 · 23/12/2023 16:33

What happened OP. Hope you ok. In contrast to other posters I think I would try a non confrontational approach. Can he be reasonable do you think. Sometimes we get into a cycle of resentment and then it's hard to get the outcome you want do you know what I mean. I'd try and get him on your side. Admit you shouldn't have taken his stuff agree to swap back all the stuff and say to him look you're too old for this carry on. Try and agree some ground rules. It's his last chance. Lay out the consequences if he doesn't start pulling his weight. Maybe you've done all this before but I think it's worth one more shot. He has to get a job if he wants special food. Otherwise he eats what everyone eats. You're not throwing him out yet but it has crossed your mind. Well that's what I would do . Jmo

nosleepforme · 23/12/2023 16:34

Oh goodness! Personally I’d call police for stolen laptop and he can compare his protein powder and eggs with jail food.
not acceptable

BornIn78 · 23/12/2023 16:36

Amazedtobesane · 23/12/2023 16:32

OP said:

His dad lives abroad. He's a problem person too. Abusive. Deceitful. We are divorced. Kids don't like to see him too often.

Show quote history

The question was - “is there an adult male in the house?”

The OP hasn’t answered the question.

caringcarer · 23/12/2023 16:36

Stop buying 80 eggs. Surely 2 dozen should be enough for all of you. Stop buying whey powder. If he wants it he gets a job to pay for it. I wouldn't buy him excess amounts of protein. My Foster son is 17 1/2 and does a lot of sport to a high level but he doesn't use whey powder it's unnecessary. A balanced diet with protein every day is sufficient.

LadyBird1973 · 23/12/2023 16:38

Not rtft but you need to de escalate this.
Talk to him calmly now. Tell him the laptop has to be returned - he didn't buy it and it's not his to take.
Tell him that you cannot afford to support a grown man and that he has to contribute - until he pulls his weight you will not be buying protein powders or giving lifts. That in a family there is give and take and since he continues to just take, you are no longer going to give.
And his remaining at home depends upon studying and sharing the load.

Then stick to it. Return his protein shake but buy no more. If he is physically intimidating you, that's when you involve outside help, but in the meantime try to get him to see reason and why it's not reasonable for him to carry on as he is. Do it without shouting or threats - just set out your stall of that is and that isn't going to happen in future.

ConnieCroydon · 23/12/2023 16:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MacLaine · 23/12/2023 16:41

He’d be moving out. Today.

MacLaine · 23/12/2023 16:42

I’d also be contacting the police regarding your stolen laptop. If it goes on any sort of record against him then it’s precisely what he deserves.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/12/2023 16:48

He's going to make someone such a wonderful husband. You should be proud. Why did you buy all this stuff for him in the first place.

penjil · 23/12/2023 16:50

"I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc."

Hahaha, that's not saying awful things. It's nowhere near. Although what you told him is the truth, he's probably laughing at you on the inside.

I think you've babied him for far too long, and now it's too late for him to change.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 23/12/2023 16:50

Time to give him notice to leave.

I would give him a month and mean it.

Unfortunately, I think you have created this beast and whilst you’re now trying to make him accept responsibility, as he’s been pandered to, he’s kicking back.

I don’t think anything other than tough love will work now.

In the month he has left, I would not be buying him anything for his special diet. He needs the consequences of his actions.

baubletits · 23/12/2023 16:51

Ditch the protein powder, replace with flour in the tin, give it back to the little shit. Then hide your laptop and any other valuables and tell him to pack a bag if he isn't going to follow your rules.

I don't know how you can put up living with him, he sounds awful.

DeeLusional · 23/12/2023 16:52

Sounds like he learned the basics from his father and is perfecting his technique on his mother. He won't change while OP carries on as before, why should he? The only price he has to pay is her "nagging" (obvs not my opinion but willing to bet it's his). The contempt he displays towards his own mother is despicable, but how can it be otherwise when she panders to him no matter what he does?

theleafandnotthetree · 23/12/2023 16:54

penjil · 23/12/2023 16:50

"I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc."

Hahaha, that's not saying awful things. It's nowhere near. Although what you told him is the truth, he's probably laughing at you on the inside.

I think you've babied him for far too long, and now it's too late for him to change.

Really good point, OP if that is your idea of 'awful things' you have clearly taken a very gentle approach up until now. And with this boy, it hasn't worked (there are those for whom it might) and he clearly has zero respect for you. So you must respect and save yourself first. Maybe he'll change and do better, maybe he won't but YOUR choice is clear.

poetryandwine · 23/12/2023 16:56

OP,

Are you all right?

ginasevern · 23/12/2023 16:57

OP, I'm quite worried for you. He is a big strong man who is essentially threatening you. I've been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour from my own (6ft tall) son but he was diagonosed with schizophrenia, so different circumstances. Do you think this could escalate to physical violence if you called the Police?