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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
Brats4kid · 25/12/2023 00:16

It's a form of control. He knows that he can get away with it, because you let him. Get your work computer back and do what bornin78 said. Don't buy him in stuff he needs, don't give him lifts, dump his dishes in his bed. He has no respect for you because you are indulging him. Cut this cycle and stick to your guns. Or you'll be never thanked by him.

Dibbydoos · 25/12/2023 02:31

@BlastedPimples I'm so sorry, he's pushing boundaries, what an ungrateful so and so.

Get your laptop back, then tell him you're not supporting his lifestyle anymore you've had it. I'd also suggest he/you talk to the local authority so he can move out into assisted libijg cos clearly he cant look after himself.

He has threatened you and that means youre potentially at risk.

He might be 18 but he's acting like a 3yo.

Hoping tge sterness of the you're getting nothing and the involvement of the local authority to find him somewhere to live will be a kick up his jacksy. If not I'd push for him to leave.

Sending a hug.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2023 03:21

NickyT64 · 24/12/2023 22:13

Well if you don’t have your laptop you can’t work which means you won’t get paid which means he’ll have to find somebody else to buy him his 80 eggs and gallons of milk. How does he think all this appears in the house- magic?????

Show quote history

This is basically it, isn’t it? Idk if you’re still reading op. He wouldn’t be getting many if any presents from me today with this attitude.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 25/12/2023 08:29

I won't dump dishes in his bed. That's foul.

But I'm not buying him his meat. Limited eggs and milk. No lifts. I just won't engage. All our conversations about being clean and tidy have come to nothing.

I think he needs to leave but nowhere to go. I doubt homelessness will help.

He was very academic - smashed the 11+ - but since Covid lockdowns, he just lost focus and had failed to do well at school.

He always very defiant, constant rage as a child over being asked to do things like get dressed, do homework, tie his shoe laces etc.

We were so desperate with the constant rages over nothing when they continued after aged 4 up to aged 14 that we sought several different types of therapy for him. Nothing worked.

I have not enjoyed being his parent at all.

I really think he would benefit from joining the armed forces. Structure. Discipline. A future.
It's weird. He is very disciplined with his weightlifting to the point of obsession. Claims he can't possibly get a part time job because he is doing A levels and does two sports (weight lifting and rugby).

I just don't want to be around him. I think he's a bully and throws his weight around. I won't spend on him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 25/12/2023 08:30

And regarding the work laptop, I told him my work is what keeps up fed and his response was I had to do what he wanted and give him back the protein powder which isn't his by the way. I buy it for me and the other dcs if they want it too. He knows this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 25/12/2023 08:30

Keeps us fed

OP posts:
Luckypoppy · 25/12/2023 08:39

I would be tempted to ring the police and report it stolen! You can say work have reported it. They won't charge him but maybe will scare him enough.

ChanelNo19EDT · 25/12/2023 09:08

. He thinks he can use his strength to scare you. Let two police in heavy boots, padded vests and batons in holsters show up in a squad car and ask to speak to him. Let him understand that the police will back up his mother not him. Let him know that the police advised his mother that she can apply for a safety order and a barring order. Let him know that the police ask his mother if she wants to press charges with regard to stolen laptop or not. Let him know that that decision is yours and that the police listen to his mother the head of the household .

pebbles8811 · 25/12/2023 09:35

Throw him out he can phone the homeless team for your local council who will provide him with homeless accommodation even at Xmas and if he says he has no where to go then tell him tough he chose not to help when asked, if hes that grown up I’m sure he can stand in his own two feet without your help, bet it brings a quick attitude change but don’t back down show him who’s boss

Kate0902900908 · 25/12/2023 11:49

He's on a road to disaster.
you need to stop all privileges immediately. No more protein no more 80 eggs or anything he asks for. His basics will be met. That is it. If he doesn’t like it he is out. You have to be strong he is 18 and bigger than you and he needs to learn quickly he’s not in charge.
I have a cousin who was the exact same my auntie tried everything, being firm, supportive, rules but always caved he got worse and worse.

stomachamaleon · 25/12/2023 13:01

@BlastedPimples I think your plan is the way forward.

Lubilu02 · 25/12/2023 15:09

You have to be incredibly fit to be in the armed forces, so yes, it may well suit him.

Get some information packs sent out in his name, and find out about recruitment open days.

Just have these visual little hints around, it may help. You get to travel to some amazing countries too.

Certainly setting some boundaries, ones that for you will be sustainable, however big or small. Just stick to your guns.

Hopefully you will start earning some well deserved respect from him.

Sometimes people can forget themselves, so looking at past photos or old home movies can be quite therapeutic. What did he want to be when he was young? Or excel in at school? These would all be possible directions to pursue. :)

poetryandwine · 25/12/2023 15:39

I also think the Army sound a good plan, OP.

But I don’t understand why you aren’t taking positive steps to get your computer back. I think explaining to your son that you are required by your employer to do this unless he returns the computer immediately will likely prompt its return.

Does he need a clean record for the Army?

InShockHusbandLeaving · 25/12/2023 21:56

Why are you allowing him to bully you but say you won’t do much to stop his easy life? I’m afraid I would tell him he can either start treating you with respect or he can leave and make his own way in the world. You seem determined to let his dreadful behaviour continue and content yourself by moaning at him and about him. Please take action or you’ll end up in a worse situation than you are now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2023 05:25

He does rugby?

Speak to his rugby coach. Hopefully they will be supportive. My dd did rugby for a while as a kid and they were hot on fair play / team sport / anti bullying etc. I imagine his team mates would be horrified. Use what you have.

As for throwing him out and homelessness, it’s unlikely to get that far. He will soon see which side his bread is buttered.

You say he has raged for pretty much all his life. Does he have any sensory issues or additional needs? I’m just wondering if he isn’t coping in general with life and can excel in one area whilst failing in another - ie family relationships.

sanityisamyth · 26/12/2023 05:54

Azandme · 23/12/2023 13:26

Give him whatever it takes to get your laptop back. Lock it away, THEN remove all privileges as a response to his blackmail. How dare he?!

No more extra protein foods.

No more protein powders.

No more lifts.

No more laundry.

Dirty dishes from sink would get dumped in his bed.

If he won't do anything for you or your shared home, reciprocate in kind and stop doing things for him. He's an adult.

He can earn things back by pulling his weight.

I'd also ask him who the fuck he thinks he is.

Edited

Absolutely this. What a shitbag.

JubileeJumps · 26/12/2023 06:08

change the WiFi password asap.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 26/12/2023 06:48

BlastedPimples · 25/12/2023 08:30

And regarding the work laptop, I told him my work is what keeps up fed and his response was I had to do what he wanted and give him back the protein powder which isn't his by the way. I buy it for me and the other dcs if they want it too. He knows this.

Jesus wept.

Phone both coaches and tell them he is using his size and strength to steal from his mother and is a bully. Point out that if he is bullying you, he is likely bullying other women.

and decent coach won’t want to be associated with any potential fall out from it. Even if they don’t give a shit about women. Good coaches (those these may not be) also take the behaviour off pitch of their clients and players.

Speak to the college. There’s usually people available during the holidays. Email in.

Failing that call the police. He has stolen an item that belongs to work. They will be unlikely to charge him at this point. But he needs to grasp the seriousness of what he has done.

DeeLusional · 26/12/2023 09:01

BlastedPimples · 25/12/2023 08:30

And regarding the work laptop, I told him my work is what keeps up fed and his response was I had to do what he wanted and give him back the protein powder which isn't his by the way. I buy it for me and the other dcs if they want it too. He knows this.

It's the holidays now, but what happens when your employer wants to know why you aren't working?

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