Page 2 | Just had huge row with ds 18

BlastedPimples · 2023-12-23T13:20:16+00:00

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all. I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens. He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting. He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study. Does nothing to get a part time job. I give him lifts everywhere. He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him. I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores. He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder. I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way. What to do?

2chocolateoranges · 23/12/2023 13:46

you are the parent, tell him the laptop is returned or you are reporting the theft of it to your work who will escalate it to the police.

stop giving money, stop pandering to his ridiculous diet and tell him he lives in your home because you allow it and if he keeps disrespecting you then he will have to find somewhere else to live!

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 13:47

He needs to live independently, OP. He's not going to get through those resits. He could have been working part time for the last couple of years. He's having everything given to him on a plate (literally) and he's doing sod all in return. It's not on.

I'd tell him that I was going to report the laptop as stolen (and I would do that, too, if he didn't return it) and on 1st January he had a month to find himself somewhere to live.

If he doesn't change between now and NYD I'd stick to that.

If you are separated from his dad, I would tell him it's his turn.

JaffaCake24 · 23/12/2023 13:48

Also if he hides your computer how are you meant to make money to pay for his food? The lights etc.

He’s an idiot, an immature idiot that needs to grow up.

He’s been sucked in by TikTok into thinking muscles will buy you a career. What a joke.

How I hate social media but as a parent you’ve got to explain how none of this is real life.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:50

I have had the conversation many times about him helping more. Of course I have. Many times. This isn't out of the blue.

So we have the chat. Life goes on. I notice he's still doing nothing.

If I kicked him out, he'd be on the streets. No money. Nothing.

His dad lives abroad. He's a problem person too. Abusive. Deceitful. We are divorced. Kids don't like to see him too often.

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 23/12/2023 13:51

Has he ever had a part-time job? If he was needing all that extra food etc he would be earning money to help pay for it, even if we could afford it.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 23/12/2023 13:51

I'd stop with the lifts and the protein powder and huge meals. Tell him he eats what the rest of you eat and takes responsibility for getting himself where he needs to be. Oh, and if his attitude does not improve, he can move out and support himself.

WorriedMum231 · 23/12/2023 13:53

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:50

I have had the conversation many times about him helping more. Of course I have. Many times. This isn't out of the blue.

So we have the chat. Life goes on. I notice he's still doing nothing.

If I kicked him out, he'd be on the streets. No money. Nothing.

His dad lives abroad. He's a problem person too. Abusive. Deceitful. We are divorced. Kids don't like to see him too often.

And he’d be back after a day with his tails between his legs.

ActDottie · 23/12/2023 13:54

He sounds awful and has zero respect for you! I’m actually really shocked he’s taken your work computer!!

I wouldn’t be proud of him either so I wouldn’t beat yourself up for saying that.

Id give him his stuff back just to get your computer back and then have a serious conversation with him about what needs to change. But I’d stop buying the protein powder and all the extra good for him.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/12/2023 13:56

Kick.him.out! He needs a big sharp shock and to see you not taking his shit anymore or he will continue to walk all over you and get worse.

ohdamnitjanet · 23/12/2023 13:59

BornIn78 · 23/12/2023 13:28

Why do you keep buying “extraordinary amounts” of eggs, milk, meat and protein powder?

Stop paying his phone contract.

Stop giving him any money. He wants money, he’ll have to get a job.

Stop giving him lifts. He’ll have to get public transport or walk.

Stop giving him access to the WiFi.

Stop over indulging this spoilt brat.

This this this. And much as I love my 6’2” son if I thought for one single second he was bullying me like this he’d be out on his ear.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 14:01

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:31

So every week I buy 80 eggs. He eats 6 eggs per day.

25 litres of milk. We are a family of five so we all have the milk but he uses a lot for his daily protein shakes.

Also lots of frozen chicken and beef for his protein intake.

And he does nothing.

His young brother aged 11 worships him and is starting to behave in the same insolent way.

Why do you do that? Stop

And what is he taking in addition to the protein powder?

Also point out that without the laptop you don't work. You don't work you don't earn. Therefore he gets nothing (which is what should be happening anyway)

MerryCheesemas · 23/12/2023 14:05

Why on earth are you facilitating his lifestyle like this? It’s one thing to make sure he’s fed and watered, it’s another to buy such a specialist diet when he’s not contributing. He’s an adult not 8. If he wants to eat like Mr Strong, he can get a job to pay for it.

It also occurred to me, if he’s this into his weights, is he taking any supplements? Many of them contain testosterone which obviously affect aggression. This could explain a lot of his behaviour

Floopani · 23/12/2023 14:07

Wants to show you he is big enough to do what he wants? Then he is big enough to provide for himself. Stop. Everything. No money, no eggs, no tidying up after him. Nothing.

If my 18yo did this, they would be getting the shock of their life about what being an adult means. And I'm a gentle type of parent.

rileybelle · 23/12/2023 14:08

In the most gentle way OP, was he expected to do chores as he was growing up? Was he expected to tidy up, clean, laundry, dishwasher etc when he was younger? You say there are 5 of you - do you do everything for your other children and everyone else in the house?

If you've always done everything for him, even if he doesn't do it (eg dishes) then why would he change? Dirty dishes in the sink - they go in his room, on his bed if needed until they are done. He can fund his own protein needs, stop buying him all the chicken, eggs, protein powder.

You're trying to parent an adult like a toddler. He needs to respect you.

FizzyStream · 23/12/2023 14:11

Wolfcub · 23/12/2023 13:33

Ds took my work laptop once. I explained it belonged to my employer not to me. That taking it was theft and if it wasn't returned I would ring the police and report a crime (as required by my employer). That soon resolved the issue. His reason for taking it was similar to your son's

This is what I would do.

Dearover · 23/12/2023 14:12

What great role models you both are to your 11 year old. Stop buying all the extras. Buy a normal food shop. Stop giving him lifts. Let your 11 year old see the consequences of your 18 year old acting like a brat.

Mumofteens4892 · 23/12/2023 14:14

Had similar in our house this week. Took his phone and vape. So he trashed his room. We live in a rented house and I’m terrified of being thrown out so have spent the last two days filling the holes with polyfilla and painting the walls.

He refused to help because he “doesn’t care” about being made homeless.

Happy Christmas 😔.

Needhelpsupport · 23/12/2023 14:16

All these comments basically blaming you for facilitating his behaviour are not helpful. Sounds to me as if you are actually quite scared of your son ,which I can understand! Do you have a male friend/ relative who can come round and help you communicate with this shitty excuse of a son !? Are you certain he isn’t taking any steroids etc that is making him so fucking obnoxious?

Needhelpsupport · 23/12/2023 14:18

Dearover · 23/12/2023 14:12

What great role models you both are to your 11 year old. Stop buying all the extras. Buy a normal food shop. Stop giving him lifts. Let your 11 year old see the consequences of your 18 year old acting like a brat.

What a horrible,unhelpful comment you have made towards a Mother who is clearly frightened and at the end of her tether !

ttcat37 · 23/12/2023 14:20

No computer = no Christmas presents

Who pays for gym/ powerlifting fed memberships? If you, cancel.

Anything he likes that you fund, cancel.

No more lifts.

Phone? Cancel it.

Do his washing? Stop.

Buy his protein powder/ eggs/ chicken? Stop!!

He is a brat and you need to stop spoiling him.

JaffaCake24 · 23/12/2023 14:20

Adult brain doesn’t mature until 26. He’s still got a lot of growing up to do OP.

I’d say if you don’t put the dishes in the dishwasher and tidy your room and clean your bathroom once a week, there’ll be no money for eggs etc.

Say fine, if you don’t care. I’ll not care either, I’m quitting my job and going on benefits and will sit around the house all day long. There’ll be no money for anything then.

You can’t make idle threats anymore. He needs to see you follow through. The reason he doesn’t change is because he knows he can keep behaving like this and you’ll just roll over every time.

Balloonhearts · 23/12/2023 14:21

Well it's in the house, right? Next time he goes to the gym lock him out and methodically search the house top to bottom until you find it. If he has a car, simply take the keys and search that too. He lives with you, where else is he going to hide something at short notice.

Once found, text him and tell him to go to a friends as he isn't coming home tonight and won't be until he has found a job and is ready to treat said home and you with some bloody respect.

Stop doing his washing, stop doing his shopping, stop giving him lifts, stop giving him money. Provide basic clothing and 2 meals a day of YOUR choice. No special diets. He wants luxuries like that, he better find a way to pay for them. Lock on the fridge if you have to.

Tell him outright that this is all happening as a direct result of his disrespectful attitude towards you and its time he grew up and stopped behaving like a stroppy 13 year old. He is no longer a boy, he's a man and any self respecting man should want to support himself.

LakeTiticaca · 23/12/2023 14:23

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

What you Will do is call the police and have him removed from your home.

That's what.
I'm staggered at the total absence of respect many youngsters have for their parents now. If I had spoken like that to my parents I would be put out on the street.
So would my kids.
Where did it all go wrong?

Crayfishforyou · 23/12/2023 14:24

Balloonhearts · 23/12/2023 14:21

Well it's in the house, right? Next time he goes to the gym lock him out and methodically search the house top to bottom until you find it. If he has a car, simply take the keys and search that too. He lives with you, where else is he going to hide something at short notice.

Once found, text him and tell him to go to a friends as he isn't coming home tonight and won't be until he has found a job and is ready to treat said home and you with some bloody respect.

Stop doing his washing, stop doing his shopping, stop giving him lifts, stop giving him money. Provide basic clothing and 2 meals a day of YOUR choice. No special diets. He wants luxuries like that, he better find a way to pay for them. Lock on the fridge if you have to.

Tell him outright that this is all happening as a direct result of his disrespectful attitude towards you and its time he grew up and stopped behaving like a stroppy 13 year old. He is no longer a boy, he's a man and any self respecting man should want to support himself.

This. This. This.
You can’t carry on as you are.
He won’t change unless he needs to.

Sweetglossy · 23/12/2023 14:26

tokesqueen · 23/12/2023 13:43

Where's his dad in all this?

HNRWT

Just glanced over your post as I was going to ask the ONLY question I have for the op @BlastedPimples . Where is the Dad? Yes, bringing up boys can be hard, IF, you don't set boundaries whilst they are young. How did he get to 18 without doing ANYTHING? Come on?

Also, stop buying protein shakes etc etc if he is not behaving properly. Just say you cannot afford it- so how did you start buying this for him whilst he does nothing at home?

I see constant baby gloves handling of kids on MN, and parents wonder how when kids are 16/18 and bigger than them, that will be challenging if there are no boundaries from a young age. Who plays any ball INSIDE the house? Who does?