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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
MacLaine · 23/12/2023 17:00

I had the same concern. When (and not if, because this should definitely happen) you ask him to leave, do you have any other males (friends or relatives etc) who could be there to support you in case he does decide to turn physical.

You’re currently living with an abusive man, albeit one who also happens to be your child.

Mumsanetta · 23/12/2023 17:00

I suspect the OP was hoping for a magic solution instead of having to take real action and won’t be back. You do not end up with a grown man child who steals your belongings overnight.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 17:02

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

Oh OP it's so so difficult isn't it when sons are like this.
They are so powerful physically compared to us.

Mine really had his moments- he also was a so and so about helping around the house- but now {he's got his own house} it's so much better...he came over today to help fix my electrics.

He admits he was a so and so as a teenager - BUT he always worked -

Your son clearly has no 'respect' for you in that he has taken your laptop.

How dare he!

It really can't go on in this manner.

Have you tried talking to him when he's not hungry?

It's not easy.

Been there!

littleblackcat27 · 23/12/2023 17:06

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 23/12/2023 13:41

He’s the monster you created OP. Nobody ever decided to get off their arse and do chores when they’ve never needed or been expected to before.

Edited

Such an insightful and helpful post.

Any further words of wisdom?

DoubleTime · 23/12/2023 17:07

Ask him where you are all going to live and who will buy the food, when you lose your job because you dont have your laptop.
Tell him its a police issue now.

Leah5678 · 23/12/2023 17:08

hanschristmassolo · 23/12/2023 14:55

EIGHTY eggs per week? Buy him a chicken and put it in his room and give him a deadline for starting to pull his own weight and getting a job

😂😂 best comment on here.
Op don't buy anything for him tell him now he's 18 he needs to get a job and buy them himself.
It's a shame dad isn't around to put him in his place he probably has "man of the house" syndrome

MeridianB · 23/12/2023 17:10

BornIn78 · 23/12/2023 13:28

Why do you keep buying “extraordinary amounts” of eggs, milk, meat and protein powder?

Stop paying his phone contract.

Stop giving him any money. He wants money, he’ll have to get a job.

Stop giving him lifts. He’ll have to get public transport or walk.

Stop giving him access to the WiFi.

Stop over indulging this spoilt brat.

This. He sounds like a self-absorbed bully. Stand up to him.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 17:11

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:50

I have had the conversation many times about him helping more. Of course I have. Many times. This isn't out of the blue.

So we have the chat. Life goes on. I notice he's still doing nothing.

If I kicked him out, he'd be on the streets. No money. Nothing.

His dad lives abroad. He's a problem person too. Abusive. Deceitful. We are divorced. Kids don't like to see him too often.

When my son was a teen I asked advice from a male counsellor who admitted that he {the counsellor} was very like my son was.

The bottom line is respect.

He said You HAVE to have very firm boundaries and stick to them.
No ifs, no buts, no caving in.

STOP buying all that ludicrous excessive protein shakes. Let him earn them.

It was only when I got a lot stricter {and followed through } that my son got better.

I do believe that young men need positive role models...Male ones.

It's not easy being a single parent to boys - have you read ''Raising boys'' by Steve Biddulph?

Unicorns41 · 23/12/2023 17:13

Tell him your phoning the police for theft of a laptop (when he resorts to saying you’ve stolen his belongings you remind him you’ve paid for his belongings so they are yours to remove).

You then refuse to provide any luxury for the foreseeable future until his behaviour dramatically changes or he gets a part time job to fund his protein diet (including the 80 eggs a week which is mad!!)

Mintygoodness · 23/12/2023 17:13

I sat my 14 yr old down when he reached 6 ft and explained how just his physical size could be intimidating and frightening to women. We had recently had a (minor) argument and he had slammed the door and yelled and it was frightening to me. I explained how I knew he was just feeling angry and it was fine to be angry but he needed to think about how he expressed it. They can grow up so quickly and their bodies are bigger than their emotional development and they need to be aware of how it feels to be on the receiving end. He is now 17 and 6'2" and has a girlfriend who is about a ft smaller. They have been together about 10 months and he is very aware of this and her safety.
I think as others have said that unfortunately you have a grown man on your hands and it is going to be very difficult to change his mindset and habits if he has had never had to take responsibility or get a job. If he can blackmail you you need to examine your own behavior, although he is of course completely out of line.

TheKnittedCharacter · 23/12/2023 17:13

You don’t just suddenly get an adult size lazy arse who doesn’t know how to behave. Kids like this are created, then when it becomes too much of a problem, the advice is to throw them out at 18 years old? Ffs.

letsgojo · 23/12/2023 17:16

Balloonhearts · 23/12/2023 14:21

Well it's in the house, right? Next time he goes to the gym lock him out and methodically search the house top to bottom until you find it. If he has a car, simply take the keys and search that too. He lives with you, where else is he going to hide something at short notice.

Once found, text him and tell him to go to a friends as he isn't coming home tonight and won't be until he has found a job and is ready to treat said home and you with some bloody respect.

Stop doing his washing, stop doing his shopping, stop giving him lifts, stop giving him money. Provide basic clothing and 2 meals a day of YOUR choice. No special diets. He wants luxuries like that, he better find a way to pay for them. Lock on the fridge if you have to.

Tell him outright that this is all happening as a direct result of his disrespectful attitude towards you and its time he grew up and stopped behaving like a stroppy 13 year old. He is no longer a boy, he's a man and any self respecting man should want to support himself.

Term him to go to a friends?! Over Xmas, yeah why not make it someone else's problem....

He's your son OP, at 18 he's got raging testosterone and he's taking life out on you and as shit as it is it won't last. (Yes I have experience!)

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/12/2023 17:16

He sounds awful! Your work computer?? As in the the item you need to provide for him (and finance his powerlifting obsession)?

a few days of “couch surfing” with friends (and going without the comforts you provide) might do him some good..

ChanelNo19EDT · 23/12/2023 17:16

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

yupp, letting you know that he's in charge. little brat. Or as the problem really is. Big strong brat.

My son tried the same. Are you a single parent? If his father is a functional adult would he help stand up to him?##

I've been reading about how children of single fathers do better than the children of single mums and it's not because the fathers are better parents, it's because brat sons (like mine) capitalise on the power that their height and strength gives them. I had to take drastic measures.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 17:17

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

You call the police if he threatens you or steals your stuff, or threatens to kick off.

He is absolutely taking the piss.

Your younger son/s will follow if they see their older brother being so disrespectful.

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:17

@oakleaffy It's not easy being a single parent to boys

Let's give boys some credit. I found it much easier being a single parent to my son than I did to my daughter. Being a single parent is often hard but it's the personality of the child that creates the problem, not the sex.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/12/2023 17:19

I had inklings of the 'big man' thing when my lad was around 14 and got taller/bigger than me. I shut that shit down VERY fast. Now at nearly 17, he has taken on some of the role of 'the male' in the house but in a positive way in terms of helping me out, doing heavy work, looking out for me and his sister etc. There are some quite male traits that are inherent I think and correctly channelled, are a good thing and necessary to young men's self esteem. Sounds like this young man has all the bravado and male strength but none of the chivalry and is directing his manliness in really negative ways. Talking to the coach might be a runner, getting another male who he has some respect for to talk to h, giving him a short, sharp shock of a visit from the police....that's only for starter's. The only thing you simply can't do is let this continue. It could end very badly for you, for him and for younger siblings.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/12/2023 17:21

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:17

@oakleaffy It's not easy being a single parent to boys

Let's give boys some credit. I found it much easier being a single parent to my son than I did to my daughter. Being a single parent is often hard but it's the personality of the child that creates the problem, not the sex.

Sort of. A boy / young man that creates the problem may be very aware that he could easily overpower his mother and therefore consider himself in charge.

the physical power difference simply isn’t the same between mothers and daughters (or daughters and fathers!!)

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 23/12/2023 17:23

Boot camp time.
First you get your computer back then boot camp starts.
Fit a lock on your door or get somewhere secure to lock away your laptop and valuables.
You buy basic food only. 3 meals a day of basic food. Anything extra he buys for himself
He does his own laundry.
He cleans up after himself. If he doesn’t wash up or put in dishwasher his next meal goes in the used bowl/ on the used plate.
When he experiences the consequences of his behaviour he’ll back down. And if he doesn’t he moves out.

DilettanteMum · 23/12/2023 17:23

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:32

He has no money to get steroids. Plus in powerlifting you're not allowed to. They get tested for it.

They all cycle it. ALL OF THEM.

LauraNorda · 23/12/2023 17:25

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

But that IS a threat.

Just not said out loud.

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:25

Girls can be violent too - there's a thread on here now about a girl who wants the money for a holiday in Mexico.

I do agree though that boys can be more frightening due to size and strength, though.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 23/12/2023 17:27

What would you say to a friend who’s husband was treating her the way your son has been treating you?

This is an abusive relationship, just because it is your son doesn’t mean it is ok.

He either gives you the laptop back and starts contributing to the household (financially and physically) and starts studying or he has to move out, otherwise he is going to learn that his behaviour is acceptable.

(I’m guessing he is an Andrew Tate fan?)

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 17:27

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:17

@oakleaffy It's not easy being a single parent to boys

Let's give boys some credit. I found it much easier being a single parent to my son than I did to my daughter. Being a single parent is often hard but it's the personality of the child that creates the problem, not the sex.

Boys NEED good male role models.
So many young men lack decent males in their lives.

Women cannot begin to know what it's like to be a teenaged boy.
Maybe a bookish, quiet boy would be 'easy'- but many of son's single parent friends were just as tricky as teens.

Our GP said young men get testosterone surges, and that doesn't help matters.