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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2023 17:27

I think I would I have the "I'm very disappointed in your behaviour and choices" chat.

Yeah you stop doing stuff for him and buying the milk, protein shakes and eggs etc.

Leah5678 · 23/12/2023 17:27

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:25

Girls can be violent too - there's a thread on here now about a girl who wants the money for a holiday in Mexico.

I do agree though that boys can be more frightening due to size and strength, though.

That's the same argument as when people say chihuahuas are just as aggressive as pitbulls. The size and strength is the issue

poetryandwine · 23/12/2023 17:30

But OP, you need to stand up for yourself. Otherwise you are teaching him to treat women like dirt.

The computer thing is quite properly a matter for the police, unless he returns it pronto. You haven’t even acknowledged the suggestion of PPs to take this approach. If you think we are wrong, tell us why. Otherwise, it appears - and I know appearances can be deceptive - that you won’t stand up for yourself. Or you are afraid of your son.

ChanelNo19EDT · 23/12/2023 17:31

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:17

@oakleaffy It's not easy being a single parent to boys

Let's give boys some credit. I found it much easier being a single parent to my son than I did to my daughter. Being a single parent is often hard but it's the personality of the child that creates the problem, not the sex.

There are boys who won't respect a woman unless there's an older male there to MAKE them. My son fell in to this category. He was too young for me to get a safety order. He currently hates me but he has at least discovered that I'm not a doormat like he thought I was.

MyFirstLittlePony · 23/12/2023 17:33

You cannot change his behaviour, you cannot make him study

You cannot make him do anything he does not want to

Taking his stuff away does not work either.

Once you have your computer back:

Get a lock for your bedroom and use it (and keep your wallet/pC etc in locked room

STOP buying protein powder, beef, eggs etc. Just buy/cook as normal, any extras he can get himself

Stop taking him places/driving, he can use public transport/walk/cycke/uber whatever, his problem

Do not confront him, threaten him, explain to him, bargain with him... etc, just let him do his own thing and you do yours.

Right now you are making things so cushy for him he has no incentive to work or ever move out!

You cannot control him. But also try and stop him controlling you

slore · 23/12/2023 17:35

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:31

So every week I buy 80 eggs. He eats 6 eggs per day.

25 litres of milk. We are a family of five so we all have the milk but he uses a lot for his daily protein shakes.

Also lots of frozen chicken and beef for his protein intake.

And he does nothing.

His young brother aged 11 worships him and is starting to behave in the same insolent way.

That is a shockingly unethical diet. Climate change is a thing - this diet isn't necessary or justifiable, there are other ways for him to get protein that won't ruin our only habitable planet.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 17:35

theleafandnotthetree · 23/12/2023 17:19

I had inklings of the 'big man' thing when my lad was around 14 and got taller/bigger than me. I shut that shit down VERY fast. Now at nearly 17, he has taken on some of the role of 'the male' in the house but in a positive way in terms of helping me out, doing heavy work, looking out for me and his sister etc. There are some quite male traits that are inherent I think and correctly channelled, are a good thing and necessary to young men's self esteem. Sounds like this young man has all the bravado and male strength but none of the chivalry and is directing his manliness in really negative ways. Talking to the coach might be a runner, getting another male who he has some respect for to talk to h, giving him a short, sharp shock of a visit from the police....that's only for starter's. The only thing you simply can't do is let this continue. It could end very badly for you, for him and for younger siblings.

Very good post.

''There are some quite male traits that are inherent I think and correctly channelled, are a good thing and necessary to young men's self esteem. Sounds like this young man has all the bravado and male strength but none of the chivalry and is directing his manliness in really negative ways''

Male role models can really help.

Mumsanetta · 23/12/2023 17:36

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

What do you mean “you can do nothing?” You can choose to do nothing, yes, but you absolutely can do something. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and helpless because you absolutely are not. You are a single parent who (I assume) escaped an abusive relationship, you have gotten this far and can take the next step. Cover the basics (stop buying the bloody protein and eggs, stop the lifts, stop the mollycoddling) as a start and go from there.

DeeLusional · 23/12/2023 17:37

OP - that IS a threat. Imagine if that was a male partner saying that to a woman.......

HamBone · 23/12/2023 17:37

Off-topic but I would definitely speak to his coach about the food intake and the longterm physical effects of weight lifting in your teens.

This is purely anecdotal, but my DH (51) weight-lifted seriously in his teens, consumed lots of protein, etc.
His doctor later told him that it affected his growth-he “should” be a couple of inches taller than he is. Also, when he stopped lifting regularly in his 20’s, the muscle quickly turned to fat and he’s struggled with his weight ever since. Plus he’s got bad stretch marks.

We’ve spoken to our DS (15) about it and he’s opted to play football and run track instead. He does go to the gym a couple of times a week, but does a balanced workout. He’ll soon overtake DH height-wise and be over 6ft, as DH was supposed to be, according to his doctor.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 17:41

ChanelNo19EDT · 23/12/2023 17:31

There are boys who won't respect a woman unless there's an older male there to MAKE them. My son fell in to this category. He was too young for me to get a safety order. He currently hates me but he has at least discovered that I'm not a doormat like he thought I was.

Show quote history

Well done, Chanel.

I guarantee your son won't 'Hate' you for long.

He will be more respectful of you now that he knows you aren't a pushover.

I don't think boys who 'bully' their mothers like OP's son is doing are 'happy'.
Boys too need self respect.

ChanelNo19EDT · 23/12/2023 17:41

I spoke to women's Aid. They told me I couldn't get a safety order until he was 18. Is it the same in the UK?

K4tM · 23/12/2023 17:41

If he refuses to return your laptop I’d call the police for real. You are experiencing domestic abuse. A chat from a police officer would put him in his place.

Re the protein powder - stop buying it. It’s not necessary. In fact too much protein is toxic as excess nitrogen compounds (from protein) have to be broken down in the liver to urea.

Its difficult to cut down on milk and eggs, if other members of the family but (80?) eggs a week? Just buy a reasonable amount, say a dozen ..? When they’re gone, they’re gone. Might need to resort to daily shopping for milk so that other children get some. Plan for meals and display a menu. The amount of meat he consumes is also over the top. My 17 year old (who rows 6x pw) has about 5000 calories a day. He’d eat protein all day if I let him, but has to eat carbs because that’s affordable and he’s well aware … porridge with peanut butter or banana smoothies (with or without raw egg) work. Also, lentils/beans added to meat dishes like spaghetti bog/chilli etc pad out with cheap protein, and he’s onboard with that. Get him to come shopping with you, and/or cook a meal one night pw.

His lifestyle just isn’t sustainable. I’m a single mum of 2 with a busy job (not terribly well paid but not minimum wage), and I couldn’t afford it! Neither can you, neither can he.

As for lifts - well he can run small distances can’t he? Eg to the gym and back. Just call it cross training.

SoFineOkay · 23/12/2023 17:43

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

Ffs, woman up.

a) STOP BUYING EGGS.
b) Write a letter and tell him he either has to return the computer, do chores and get a job or move out at a certain date.
c) When the date comes, remove everything in his room and put it in storage.
d) Call the police and say you want them to remove him from your house.
e) Let them remove him from your house.

He is a healthy 18 yo boy with no mental issues. Be the Alpha female he so obviously crave. He doesn't need a male rolemodel. He needs to learn respect for and take orders from women.

Mirabai · 23/12/2023 17:44

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

That’s not true though is it. You can do what you want about what he chooses to do. You don’t have to buy him an entire farmyard every week. If you don’t like how he behaves you can tell him it’s time to move in with friends.

Jingleballs2 · 23/12/2023 17:45

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:31

So every week I buy 80 eggs. He eats 6 eggs per day.

25 litres of milk. We are a family of five so we all have the milk but he uses a lot for his daily protein shakes.

Also lots of frozen chicken and beef for his protein intake.

And he does nothing.

His young brother aged 11 worships him and is starting to behave in the same insolent way.

Well don't!!

He doesn't need to get a hob because he has everything he needs without one. Cut off all the luxuries and he will soon learn to pay for them himself

Channellingsophistication · 23/12/2023 17:47

I’d tell him to return your employer’s property to you immediately or you’ll call the police. Its hard I know but you’ll have to be stronger and not buy the stuff he wants. Easy for me to say but you must win this battle of wills and show him who is boss.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 23/12/2023 17:47

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

But you absolutely can. He cannot function without you funding his lifestyle and giving him lifts. He is entitled and ungrateful why are you enabling him. Does he get an allowance? If so stop it immediately and make him earn it by pulling his weight around the house. Stop paying his gym membership and buying him all the food and supplements. If he wants to do these things then he needs to get a job and pay for it.

Hankunamatata · 23/12/2023 17:49

So you choose not to buy all that food he uses. You stop the lifts etc

Tell him he pulls a stunt like hiding your work computer again then he can find somewhere else to live

ChanelNo19EDT · 23/12/2023 17:51

Thank you @oakleaffy

I admit that I could have been firmer when he was growing up, I suppose like Verucca Salt's dad I was afraid of his emotions which seemed so extreme if he was challenged. In the end, I had whittled the battles I chose down to two things. Brush your teeth. Go to school.

I hope he doesn't hate me forever but I don't hate myself for standing up to him. I reached out to him recently (he now lives with a male relative) and I got a string of abuse back, names, cunt, bitch, but still no explanation for why he grew to hate me in the run up to my asking relative to take him.

If he communicates with me I'll listen but I'm my life isn't a sacrifice to his convenience. I don't know if he's been watching Andrew Tate Videos but the level of anger he seemed to feel towards me was bizarre. 5 years ago he was still running in to show me his scores on maths tests or drawing robots and showing them to me with a big smile! It's like that boy has gone and I don't know what he was replaced with.

Mostlyoblivious · 23/12/2023 17:53

Give him notice. It’s as simple as that and stop buying things for him. If he threatens you as you did say he is bigger than you then you call the police. If you don’t sort him out your 11 year old will repeat this behaviour

MsLavender · 23/12/2023 17:57

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

With that attitude I'd kick him out the disrespectful shit. He sounds like a lazy bully and you don't need to put up with it, get him gone.

PieSkyFly · 23/12/2023 18:02

Stop buying eggs, buy less milk, buy less meat. Nothing. Just what you feed everyone else, basic meals.

If he wants to eat loads of costly food he can get a flipping job and pay for it himself!!

I'm curious how long you were with his dad? Because my first thought was he's basically an abusive man in your home, just not your partner. And your younger boy is now copying him too.

Time to make some changes op!!!

I have a 19 year old. He has complex special needs, but he puts his pots in the sink, takes the rubbish out, lugs the laundry up and down for me, can put a wash on etc. and he's done this from a young age. Your son has zero excuse to treat you like this. He needs to shape up or move out/be kicked out.

ireallycantthinkofaname · 23/12/2023 18:06

police for theft

Mintygoodness · 23/12/2023 18:12

@BlastedPimples
I would recommend you sit down and think about what you DO have control over, because you still have a lot as you are funding his lifestyle and behaviors. You may even want to talk to owners of the gym where he works out or his coach and see if they can join you on working on his behavior (obviously not in any kind of parenting role but as responsible/role modeling adults). Most men who are hard working and running a business really don't want to think they are helping create slackers. I think they would be pretty horrified to find your son was being a jerk, not contributing and eating you out of house and home.
Chucking him out of Christmas before trying anything else seems to me to be the Nuclear Option.
He is clearly immature and needs to understand the consequences of his actions. I also think it is very dangerous for you to allow this in your home so he is role modeling disrespect and selfishness to his younger sibling(s).
You seem overwhelmed, is there anyone you know IRL you can talk to and get emotional support/advice/help from?