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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/12/2023 21:05

slore · 23/12/2023 20:31

It's only our one and only planet dying. Not important at all, ever🙄

I figured that on this long thread, everyone else would have already pointed out the obvious, regarding solutions for her problem son.

And no one else would have mentioned that his gluttonous, unnecessary diet is another example of his selfish parasitism, and she really shouldn't feel obligated to facilitate it.

Show quote history

Lol our planet isn't dying yet. When the day comes, our mother earth will give us the flea treatment and get rid of us. Unless we do it ourselves, Don't fret.

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 23/12/2023 21:41

slore · 23/12/2023 20:31

It's only our one and only planet dying. Not important at all, ever🙄

I figured that on this long thread, everyone else would have already pointed out the obvious, regarding solutions for her problem son.

And no one else would have mentioned that his gluttonous, unnecessary diet is another example of his selfish parasitism, and she really shouldn't feel obligated to facilitate it.

Show quote history

It is whataboutery. Do you post about it on all threads? It was not the topic at hand. Do you really expect OP to say to her son that she will no longer buy milk or eggs because it would be better for the world if he went vegan? And him to agree? Objectively an entitled 18 year old is not going to give one shiney shit precisely because he is that self absorbed.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/12/2023 21:42

I actually agree with you. I know of a few families where there are multiple sons eating these ludicrous diets, getting through 100s of eggs and God knows how many chicken breasts per week. It IS sickening, especially from a you man like OPs son who contributes nothing, it's ANOTHER example of his selfishness and 'take' mentality.

Jingleballs2 · 23/12/2023 21:52

slore · 23/12/2023 17:35

That is a shockingly unethical diet. Climate change is a thing - this diet isn't necessary or justifiable, there are other ways for him to get protein that won't ruin our only habitable planet.

Show quote history

God there's always one.. I'm sure op finds that helpful

coodawoodashooda · 23/12/2023 23:03

stomachameleon · 23/12/2023 20:32

@coodawoodashooda I am being honest if it was me I would full on hulk and get my laptop back. I couldn't care less that they are all bigger than me they know I have a temper....

But she is not me.

As it's Christmas I would give his stuff back but stop buying things. I get why people don't. Getting in the ring with teenagers is not fun but he could be at home another ten years. You have to reset the balance. And it's not a good example to lead the other children. Sometimes the uncomfortable things are the right things.

No is a whole sentence and everything.

Exhaustive though.

stomachameleon · 23/12/2023 23:06

@coodawoodashooda definitely.
Parenting isn't easy though is it? And these things are sent to try us. We have to try and shape these young men/ teenagers to be great men.

uclpp · 23/12/2023 23:10

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

That is abusive.

i don’t know the answer though

BritneyBookClubPresident · 23/12/2023 23:59

K4tM · 23/12/2023 17:41

If he refuses to return your laptop I’d call the police for real. You are experiencing domestic abuse. A chat from a police officer would put him in his place.

Re the protein powder - stop buying it. It’s not necessary. In fact too much protein is toxic as excess nitrogen compounds (from protein) have to be broken down in the liver to urea.

Its difficult to cut down on milk and eggs, if other members of the family but (80?) eggs a week? Just buy a reasonable amount, say a dozen ..? When they’re gone, they’re gone. Might need to resort to daily shopping for milk so that other children get some. Plan for meals and display a menu. The amount of meat he consumes is also over the top. My 17 year old (who rows 6x pw) has about 5000 calories a day. He’d eat protein all day if I let him, but has to eat carbs because that’s affordable and he’s well aware … porridge with peanut butter or banana smoothies (with or without raw egg) work. Also, lentils/beans added to meat dishes like spaghetti bog/chilli etc pad out with cheap protein, and he’s onboard with that. Get him to come shopping with you, and/or cook a meal one night pw.

His lifestyle just isn’t sustainable. I’m a single mum of 2 with a busy job (not terribly well paid but not minimum wage), and I couldn’t afford it! Neither can you, neither can he.

As for lifts - well he can run small distances can’t he? Eg to the gym and back. Just call it cross training.

Edited

This

JaffaCake24 · 24/12/2023 00:47

gamerchick · 23/12/2023 21:05

Lol our planet isn't dying yet. When the day comes, our mother earth will give us the flea treatment and get rid of us. Unless we do it ourselves, Don't fret.

Show quote history

It’s pretty hot everywhere right now. Have a gander at this… one country, after another. No continent spared it would seem. We’re fucked. But yes changing the diet of one line teenage boy isn’t going to improve things I agree. If only it was that simple!

https://twitter.com/extremetemps

https://twitter.com/extremetemps

K4tM · 24/12/2023 11:48

JaffaCake24 · 24/12/2023 00:47

It’s pretty hot everywhere right now. Have a gander at this… one country, after another. No continent spared it would seem. We’re fucked. But yes changing the diet of one line teenage boy isn’t going to improve things I agree. If only it was that simple!

https://twitter.com/extremetemps

Show quote history

Whilst it’s true this thread is not about Climate Change, I’m rather shocked there are still people denying it’s a thing.

Justontherightsideofnormal · 24/12/2023 17:54

That sounds like a difficult situation that you’re in. Ideally he needs a job but is there a common ground that he needs to earn the next lot of protein powder, eggs, meat by helping out? Milk is more tricky as the whole household uses this. Hope you come to a solution.

Julimia · 24/12/2023 18:01

18 did you say? Why treat him like a child then? Reason with him, suggest things not threaten him. And whats this my stuff cos I paid for it all about?

AllyArty · 24/12/2023 18:20

That’s awful behaviour on his part. What was/is he like in secondary school? does he ever support you/help you? If you were crying would he be sympathetic towards you? Just trying to understand what he is like behind this behaviour and if he’s depressed or wants his dad in his life more. Good luck. 💐

Wobble01 · 24/12/2023 19:02

Hi. I have similar issues with my son. I feel for you. It is learnt behaviour in mine, copied from the abusive males in my family. You need to take control of this before your younger son falls in to the same pattern. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

It is easier to make changes when you have support. Is his dad around to help? I referred us to Early Help because my son was a lot younger when he started behaving like this and I was on my own. You may still be able to do that as you have a younger child.
I think the earlier posters are right when they suggest to explain to him that you will need to report the laptop incident to the police, and that you need to sit down with him and explain why his behaviour isn't acceptable, and then give him some responsibilities. One of the useful things I learned was agreeing consequences and reminding them they have a choice of being reasonable or accepting sanctions.
I'm still having issues with my son now he is over 18 (fuelled by his dad), but it is a lot better than it was.

I hope you get it sorted soon. Be strong x

Angrywife · 24/12/2023 19:25

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

Speak to his trainer.
You said he does power lifting, and gets tested for steroid use? His trainer will come down heavy on him for this kind of behaviour. They don't tolerate bullies.

Re the laptop, if he doesn't give it back, report it stolen to the police and tell them who stole it

eedie135 · 24/12/2023 19:54

In terms of your relationship with each other he is still the child and he looks to you to service his needs in the same way as when he was young. 18 year olds are not emotionally mature. Create firm boundaries whilst letting him know you still love him. Hide your work stuff, put a lock on your door, don't buy his food. And protect your relationship with your younger one at all costs.

Nicole1111 · 24/12/2023 20:08

Tell him if he doesn’t give you back your work laptop you will report it stolen to the police and let him know who took it.

Lubilu02 · 24/12/2023 20:10

I dont know if this has already been mentioned, but you could always begin by offering him an allowance (i.e to spend on eggs and towards protein powder) in return for housework.

He can't feel good about having to retake his exams. Whilst he may be trying to improve his image on the outside, do you think perhaps he feels less confident academically? That could also have a knock on effect, in terms of confidence to get a job.

Maybe have a casual chat about what he sees as a realistic job he could do.

I know some may not agree, but i do think the allowance plan could help spur him on to eventually get a job, once he gets the idea of being paid in return for doing a job around the house.

Keep it all positive, the realities of adulthood can be a tough adjustment. Keep reminding him of all his good qualities x

CatMummyOf3 · 24/12/2023 20:11

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't threaten me.

It's more that he lets me know I can do nothing about what he chooses to do or not do.

An implied threat is still a threat.

You need to get his behaviour under control urgently, otherwise the younger son will be a replica very soon. If you can't cope with one, you definitely can't manage two like this.

As many PP's have suggested, warn him the computer will be reported as stolen if it isn't returned immediately. And follow through - no more empty threats.

Stop providing the protein heavy extras. If he wants them it's up to him to buy them, so he needs to get a job.

Stop being the free taxi, housekeeper, laundry maid etc., either he contributes to the workload or he does his own washing, tidying and cooking (using food he purchased).

Tough love is the only way. It will be hard but if you don't change his ways now, he will end up like his father.

Sorry to sound so harsh 🤗

OhcantthInkofaname · 24/12/2023 20:16

Remind him the work computer belongs to work and demand it back immediately. If he refuses call your employer and report the theft. They will call the appropriate authorities. It is probably time for him be an adult out of your home.

PotatoLove · 24/12/2023 21:14

He's acting like an abusive partner ffs. Hiding your work computer is him showing an utter lack of disrespect for you and sounds like your younger son is seeing this and thinks this behaviour is acceptable.

Ukrainebaby23 · 24/12/2023 21:39

You say he's lazy and does nothing, but actually he's doing stuff he's interested in, like power lifting etc. He's just not involved in stuff you want him to do.

You need to try to find some common ground and find ways of making him understand you're not the bank of mom or dad.
And you are not his slave.

Point blank removal of privileges will not pave your way to harmonious living.

Nazzywish · 24/12/2023 21:45

He's taking advantage atm because your allowing him to with no consequences in place for when he doesn't. Set some, like serious ones- money towards household, buying own extras, or here's the door. You need to show him your not to be messed with when you say it and follow through. Him hiding your work laptop if power play and you need to win this one.

Nazzywish · 24/12/2023 21:48

He's not silly OP if he seen you following through he'd be back after one night!

NickyT64 · 24/12/2023 22:13

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

Well if you don’t have your laptop you can’t work which means you won’t get paid which means he’ll have to find somebody else to buy him his 80 eggs and gallons of milk. How does he think all this appears in the house- magic?????

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