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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
Appleass · 23/12/2023 15:39

This is a problem you have made, as you have allowed him to treat you like SHiP* He's thinks can and appears to do as he wishes, and get what he wants. Its really quite simple, STOP giving him and show him its your house, your money and he either does as you ask, or he finds another mug.

Mirabai · 23/12/2023 15:49

You’re very much hoist by your own petard here, there is no substitute for standing up for yourself and not letting him treat you like shit.

At the very least you must stop buying all this excessive food at once.

Birdcar · 23/12/2023 15:51

Stop taking his stuff. You're treating him like a child.

Stop buying him things. He needs to earn his own money.

LaylaLayla1 · 23/12/2023 15:53

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

Well what are you going to do about it?

I love my kids with all my heart but there is absolutely no way on earth I would let my 18 year old son treat me this way. It’s YOUR house not his, he gets to stay there because you let him.

Give him back his rugby ball ect so you get your computer back, then tell him to leave. He will find somewhere, be it a friends house or another family member, and he won’t be long in either realising for himself how lucky he was when staying with you, or someone will speak to him and tell him.
When he comes back and there is a very very good chance he will, tell him he is only allowed back if he adheres to your rules of the house.

Borth · 23/12/2023 15:55

I’d be kicking him out with that attitude.

TheHouseElf · 23/12/2023 15:56

Wolfcub · 23/12/2023 13:33

Ds took my work laptop once. I explained it belonged to my employer not to me. That taking it was theft and if it wasn't returned I would ring the police and report a crime (as required by my employer). That soon resolved the issue. His reason for taking it was similar to your son's

This, this, this. Tell him to hand it back or you will phone the police - and you have to mean this. You need to reign your boy in I'm afraid, particularly if younger siblings are looking up to him and copying his behaviour.

No more buying his eggs or protein powder. If he wants them, he needs to get a p/t job and pay for it himself. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the front door is.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/12/2023 15:57

Gives back to get your computer

then dont buy anymore and make sure your laptop is hidden away (and anything else you don’t want him to take)

TheKnittedCharacter · 23/12/2023 15:57

18 year old boys might look grown up, but they’re more often than not, still kids. Posters suggesting you throw him out or call the police are just moronic.

Childish tit for tat and name-calling is not great parenting, although I get you’re frustrated. I see this with some of my friends - they enable lazy, entitled behaviour from their kids for years, and then suddenly get pissed off with what they have created.

You need to sit down when you’re both calm so you can explain what you expect of him and how you can work together to have a better relationship. It’s hard being 18. The last thing he needs is to be at war with his mum.

Baffledandalarmed · 23/12/2023 15:57

I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc.

He's 18, not 8.

None of those things are awful to say if they are true. Which, in this case, they are.

You need to stand up for yourself, OP. Don't let him treat you the same way his d*ckhead father did.

SALWARP2023 · 23/12/2023 16:02

You fail to mention his father. Boys need other men to learn from so try to get a family member or friend to have a chat. He is a young adult. Feed him the same as everyone else and only give essential lifts otherwise he's on his own! Try to be understanding that he's messed up his exams and is flapping in the wind. Try to treat him as an equal although I know it's very difficult.

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 16:04

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

do you think he will hit you if he doesn't get his way?

LauraNorda · 23/12/2023 16:08

fatandhappy47 · 23/12/2023 14:58

Wow

Show quote history

The OP is already a cash-machine, unpaid taxi driver and all-round general skivvy. She is very close to becoming a punchbag too. The man she is living with is dangerous and needs to be removed.

Would you be happy for your daughter to be living in such an environment?

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2023 16:08

Give him back the protein powder then use it yourself. Get your computer back. Tell him he has a month to find alternative accommodation. You can’t keep buying him 6 eggs a day-minimum £1.50 in Asda. His behaviour is disgusting and needs to stop.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/12/2023 16:08

TheKnittedCharacter · 23/12/2023 15:57

18 year old boys might look grown up, but they’re more often than not, still kids. Posters suggesting you throw him out or call the police are just moronic.

Childish tit for tat and name-calling is not great parenting, although I get you’re frustrated. I see this with some of my friends - they enable lazy, entitled behaviour from their kids for years, and then suddenly get pissed off with what they have created.

You need to sit down when you’re both calm so you can explain what you expect of him and how you can work together to have a better relationship. It’s hard being 18. The last thing he needs is to be at war with his mum.

Diddums, I think it's more like he last think the OP needs is this obnoxious beefcake dominating her. The big man can't even get a fucking job to pay for his ridiculous diet.

Hellocatshome · 23/12/2023 16:10

You seem to be treating him like a child and he is acting like a child. I would compromise with a swap of the laptop for the things he took then bite my tongue until after Christmas.

After Christmas I would have a proper calm conversation with him on an adult to adult basis. He can choose to contribute to the household or leave the household.

Winterknights · 23/12/2023 16:11

The big man can't even get a fucking job to pay for his ridiculous diet

I did think this. He thinks he is so big and tough and macho yet he still needs his mum to buy his eggs and milk and give him lifts 😂

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 16:11

TheKnittedCharacter · 23/12/2023 15:57

18 year old boys might look grown up, but they’re more often than not, still kids. Posters suggesting you throw him out or call the police are just moronic.

Childish tit for tat and name-calling is not great parenting, although I get you’re frustrated. I see this with some of my friends - they enable lazy, entitled behaviour from their kids for years, and then suddenly get pissed off with what they have created.

You need to sit down when you’re both calm so you can explain what you expect of him and how you can work together to have a better relationship. It’s hard being 18. The last thing he needs is to be at war with his mum.

Try reading all the OP’s updates. This is abuse, pure and simple. He’s throwing his weight around and refusing to co-operate because he’s bigger than OP and thinks he can do as he likes. OP has tried and failed to ‘sit down and talk to him’. He’s misogynistic, resorting to blackmail and there’s a distinct possibility he using steroids. So when do you suggest she asks him to leave ? After he starts hitting her. When he puts her in hospital ?.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 23/12/2023 16:11

Phone the police?
If its your work laptop it isn't even personally yours and he's taken it.
Give him a notice of eviction notice and make the disrespectful shit pay for his own lifestyle.

cansu · 23/12/2023 16:13

Give him back his things.
Get your laptop back.
Stop buying the extra groceries and protein powders if it can't be afforded.
Have a calm discussion later about what he needs to do to help.
Get a lock for storing your valuables away from him.
If he won't respond in a mature way then you will need to consider asking him to leave.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 16:14

SALWARP2023 · 23/12/2023 16:02

You fail to mention his father. Boys need other men to learn from so try to get a family member or friend to have a chat. He is a young adult. Feed him the same as everyone else and only give essential lifts otherwise he's on his own! Try to be understanding that he's messed up his exams and is flapping in the wind. Try to treat him as an equal although I know it's very difficult.

Yes OP, put an apron on and serve him breakfast in bed while you’re at it. Ridiculous to suggest a woman should try to understand her abuser.

BMW6 · 23/12/2023 16:17

LauraNorda · 23/12/2023 13:34

Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Call the police if he doesn't go.

This. He thinks he can intimidate you.

It's YOUR house. He lives there by YOUR PERMISSION

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/12/2023 16:18

Imagine how he will treat his girlfriend in the future op!

Stop doing anything for him. These are the consequences of abusive and controlling behaviour. Second he leaves, pack his bags and leave them by the door outside with a note explaining why you're doing what you're doing.

He needs to learn he doesn't treat women this way.

HE WILL BEHAVE THE EXACT SAME WAY TO HIS PARTNER. And he will have learned it off you because he will think this is all women are good for.

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/12/2023 16:20

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 14:59

I would be speaking to his power lifting coach.

He is using his size to intimidate women you may not be the only women he is doing this to. He is more likely to Listen to his coach than you at this point.

Good idea

Silverbirchtwo · 23/12/2023 16:22

Tell him housework is really good exercise!

Call the police if he doesn't give the laptop back. Put some ground rules in place as long as you live here you live by my rules, or get your own place and you can do what you like. If he doesn't want to eat what you eat and wants specific food he should pay for it.

Sounds like you've let him get away with a lot and now it's much more difficult to get him to act reasonably.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/12/2023 16:22

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

He's 18.

If it came to it you could put his stuff in a n=bin bag and change the locks.