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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 23/12/2023 14:36

If you want his behaviour to change you have to change yours first OP.

Otherwise you will still be complaining about the same things this time next year.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 14:37

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

That’s a form of abuse and there is something you can do. Tell him to either start pulling his weight or find somewhere else to live. Give him a short timescale and if things don’t change, tell him to leave. Are you frightened of him in any way OP ? Because if you are, then he needs to go now if you feel threatened and you my need outside authorities to achieve that.

Delpf · 23/12/2023 14:38

Mumofteens4892 · 23/12/2023 14:14

Had similar in our house this week. Took his phone and vape. So he trashed his room. We live in a rented house and I’m terrified of being thrown out so have spent the last two days filling the holes with polyfilla and painting the walls.

He refused to help because he “doesn’t care” about being made homeless.

Happy Christmas 😔.

If he doesn't care then he should leave and be homeless.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. ☹️ I hope you manage to have some peace/rest this Christmas.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 14:43

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:50

I have had the conversation many times about him helping more. Of course I have. Many times. This isn't out of the blue.

So we have the chat. Life goes on. I notice he's still doing nothing.

If I kicked him out, he'd be on the streets. No money. Nothing.

His dad lives abroad. He's a problem person too. Abusive. Deceitful. We are divorced. Kids don't like to see him too often.

You’re enabling his behaviour, and while you’re doing so he thinks he’s safe because you’re his mum. He needs to realise he’s an adult and there are consequences to his actions. Does he work ? Further education ? If not, why not ? Stop funding his lifestyle - he needs a kick up the backside to wake him up and the best way to do this is to stop making him comfortable and give him some ultimatums.

ohsuzannah · 23/12/2023 14:44

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:33

@TwentyThreeFifteen so what would you suggest?

He was throwing a rugby ball around in the house and refused to stop so I took it off him.

Stick a knife in the rugby ball 😂

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 14:46

Mumofteens4892 · 23/12/2023 14:14

Had similar in our house this week. Took his phone and vape. So he trashed his room. We live in a rented house and I’m terrified of being thrown out so have spent the last two days filling the holes with polyfilla and painting the walls.

He refused to help because he “doesn’t care” about being made homeless.

Happy Christmas 😔.

That’s criminal damage so report it. And then make him homeless - he’ll care then.

MadeForThis · 23/12/2023 14:46

Don't make threats. Just tell him that he is now responsible for paying his own way. Stop buying extras just for him.

MrsTopaz · 23/12/2023 14:48

Rules of the house… establish them clearly via conversation where possible and write them down somewhere everyone will see.

EVERYONE has expectations for behaviour, including yourself and any younger children however young. Plus consequences if not adhered to.

My friends mum took my friend bedroom door off when she started making super long telephone calls in there and locked it so her mum couldn’t get in. shocked her for sure!

Time to lay down your rules of your house OP. He needs to want to leave and find his own way but right now why should he? All too easy for him. Time to change that.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 14:50

MadeForThis · 23/12/2023 14:46

Don't make threats. Just tell him that he is now responsible for paying his own way. Stop buying extras just for him.

If he doesn’t work and isn’t in FE I’d be explaining the harsh realities of life. No income = no home and no food so get a job pronto and start pulling his weight. If not, off he pops to sponge off someone else. His choice.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 23/12/2023 14:54

What's his plan after A'Levekd and does he have mocks after Christmas?

hanschristmassolo · 23/12/2023 14:55

EIGHTY eggs per week? Buy him a chicken and put it in his room and give him a deadline for starting to pull his own weight and getting a job

Sweetglossy · 23/12/2023 14:56

the thing is,
@BlastedPimples is at a real risk of harm from this boy - he is already threatening, so will get desperate when faced with real consequences this late in life. i won't go to extremes-too late for that- just start saying things are tight money wise- and mean it- and stop buying all his luxuries. at least that will push him to go get a job/ he will start stealing at home to sell. at that point, call the police to report thefts.

Isheabastard · 23/12/2023 14:57

I’m sending you my sympathy, this must be so so hard for you.

i agree that you might need to give him his stuff back just to get your work computer back. He will think he’s won the battle, but you need to be thinking about how you will win the war. It looks like this has become a wake up call to you about how bad things have got and how bad his attitude is.

I think many mothers have got exasperated and taken things away from their teenagers, I’ve not often heard of the teenagers taking stuff in retaliation.

I think you need to give yourself a rest. Take some down time and when you are feeling calm have a good long think and devise a strategy that suits you going forward.

This may be as serious as chucking him out, or just stop doing things for him. You can ‘punish/discipline’ him just as effectively by acts of omission as well as by actively doing things to him.

Short term you need to think about doing things that make your life easier. Longer term is when you think about the sort of person he may be turning out to be, and whether anything can be done to change that. You imply he may be similar to his father. Maybe you had tactics for dealing with your ex that could be useful now.

Whatever you decide to do, I would suggest you write it all down and keep to it so that you keep up your resolve and that you don’t end up taking one step forward and two steps back.

You have ended up in a power struggle with your son and the only way to win is to be cleverer than him. You may want to even start thinking about locking your bedroom door to keep your stuff secure.

I hope you are able to salvage some Christmas cheer with the rest of your family.

And again I send you my very best wishes and sympathy for this horrible situation you have found yourself in.

fatandhappy47 · 23/12/2023 14:58

LauraNorda · 23/12/2023 13:34

Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Call the police if he doesn't go.

Wow

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 14:59

I would be speaking to his power lifting coach.

He is using his size to intimidate women you may not be the only women he is doing this to. He is more likely to Listen to his coach than you at this point.

Brainworm · 23/12/2023 15:00

OP, your posts read as though you feel powerless and somewhat oppressed. What thoughts do you have as to why this is?

It sounds as if the material facts are that he has physical power over you (whether or not he'd use it is a very important factor) but other than this, you have the most power - the home is yours and you hold all the finances.

I think it's important for you to be aware of this and be aware of the choices and amount of control you have at your disposal.

I would guard against exerting your control as some sort of flex or punishment. An adversarial approach such as this is likely to set up or maintain a repeating cycle of conflict. You are unlikely to develop the loving and respectful relationship that you are seeking by modelling such an approach.

My recommendation would be for you to decide what you think you should provide for your son. This could be a roof over his head, access to healthy meals, toiletries - whatever you think is right. You should also decide on what your minimum expectations (non negotiable) are of him, based on what everyone in the household needs for family life to be healthy and functional. You can then let him know all of this and tell him that whilst you love him unconditionally, there are conditions that come with living together.

You can also explore with him whether he would prefer to live elsewhere if he is unhappy with your conditions. If so, you can look into how much it would cost for him to rent a room in a house share. You could offer to help him initially with costs by giving him the money you would save from him not living at home, and see what paid employment opportunities would fit around his studies to make up the shortfall.

Lampzade · 23/12/2023 15:02

LauraNorda · 23/12/2023 13:34

Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Call the police if he doesn't go.

Exactly
Kick him out. He is an adult

Sweetglossy · 23/12/2023 15:04

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 14:59

I would be speaking to his power lifting coach.

He is using his size to intimidate women you may not be the only women he is doing this to. He is more likely to Listen to his coach than you at this point.

Good suggestion. Op needs help aka intervention- and urgently. I was just at a loss as to who the right person/authority that might be. The coach, gym people who deal with him, should be able to shame him into better behaviour.

HamBone · 23/12/2023 15:05

Wolfcub · 23/12/2023 13:33

Ds took my work laptop once. I explained it belonged to my employer not to me. That taking it was theft and if it wasn't returned I would ring the police and report a crime (as required by my employer). That soon resolved the issue. His reason for taking it was similar to your son's

@Wolfcub is correct, it’s theft and you’ll have to report it to your workplace and the police. I don’t think that your DS will want you to do that.

Otherwise, stop buying all the food, protein powders, etc. Just switch off the money tap and let him realize that he needs to start taking responsibility for himself. I do feel your pain, my teens were lazing around yesterday and I felt resentful after a busy day at work, making dinner, etc. I had suggested that DD (18) cooked but she didn’t feel like it!!

Sweetglossy · 23/12/2023 15:08

Wolfcub · 23/12/2023 13:33

Ds took my work laptop once. I explained it belonged to my employer not to me. That taking it was theft and if it wasn't returned I would ring the police and report a crime (as required by my employer). That soon resolved the issue. His reason for taking it was similar to your son's

Argh, only saw this. @BlastedPimples This is what you should be doing straight away.

But will the OP ring the Police? Will she? If she doesn't, she shouldn't expect the behaviour to change.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 15:08

WiFi off.
No cash.
No food shopping beyond what everyone else eats. Or he can show at the local authority as homeless.. I threw ds out at 21 for hitting his gf.
You ring the police if he threatens you.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/12/2023 15:09

I’d be tempted to phone the police and say that your lap top has been stolen. You can either tell them it’s him or say you must’ve had a break in.

of course I wouldn’t do that but bloody hell id be tempted. I’m outraged in your behalf.

PossumintheHouse · 23/12/2023 15:09

Absolutely no more eggs. No more protein powder. No more paying for his phone or any luxuries. He sounds like some beefed-up, ghastly bully.

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:10

Can't believe all the 'kick him out' replies. He's only 18 and it's not too late to turn this round. But you need to stop giving him stuff while getting nothing in return. Stop giving him lifts. Stop buying him stuff he doesn't need. Be firm, not shouty when you explain why. Write down your terms if that helps. Does he have a grandparent or uncle he respects who you could ask to have a sharp word with him? Or speaking to his coach might be a good plan too.

MinnieCauldwell · 23/12/2023 15:11

Sick and tired of all this bollocks about brains not being fully developed until 26. I left home as a young teen, got by just fine.
He is abusing his mother, he needs to leave. He will either survive, likd i did, or come crawling back.