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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just had huge row with ds 18

269 replies

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:20

He does nothing around the house to help. Does absolute nothing to help at all.

I ask him, he says, "Yeah sure," but nothing happens.

He leaves dirty dishes in sink, his room and bathroom are disgusting.

He doesn't study. Is retaking A levels and expects a different result from no study.

Does nothing to get a part time job.

I give him lifts everywhere.

He lifts weights and consumes an extraordinary amount of eggs, milk, meat, protein powder. All of which I buy for him.

I have had enough. I said he has to do more and he basically does nothing. I took away the protein powder and a rugby ball he was playing with in the house and said he can have it back when he starts to do some chores.

He has now hidden my work computer. So I can't work and will only give it back if I give him back protein powder.

I lost my temper. I said some awful things like he's bone idle, I'm not proud of him, he's lazy, he needs to do more, get a part time job etc. He just shrugged and said I can have my computer back when he gets his stuff back. Except it's not his stuff because I bought it and he does nothing to contribute to the household in any way.

What to do?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 23/12/2023 15:14

Sorry if he pulled that stunt on me he would be out. How dare he take your computer. I’d give him his stuff back and give him 3wks notice to find himself somewhere else to live. He’s an adult now, he can start acting like one

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:15

Surviving, or crawling back aren't the only things that could happen to homeless 18 year olds. I feel there are other more positive options the OP could explore first.

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:15

Surviving, or crawling back aren't the only things that could happen to homeless 18 year olds. I feel there are other more positive options the OP could explore first.

gamerchick · 23/12/2023 15:16

Look you obviously don't want to change your ways give him his protein powder back and then lock away your laptop for a short term solution.

Then tell him all of the extras stop. No lifts or extra food and if he doesnt like it he can leave.

When he uses his male aggression to try and intimidate you, ring the police and get him lifted and tell them he's not allowed back.

YOU have to make the changes yourself or he'll carry on being a dick.

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2023 15:16

It's time for him to go, I think. Tell him to go live in the local chicken coop.

Floatinginatincan · 23/12/2023 15:17

Sounds like you treat him like a child, and he is acting according. Sit down with him, have a sensible conversation & give each other your stuff back. Then, he works out how he can get a job to contribute to the copious amounts of food & protein supplements.

gamerchick · 23/12/2023 15:17

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:15

Surviving, or crawling back aren't the only things that could happen to homeless 18 year olds. I feel there are other more positive options the OP could explore first.

Cool, this poster seems to be offering to take him in OP. Very kind of you there.

Walkaround · 23/12/2023 15:20

Why are you buying him all that food and protein powder and giving him lifts? Why does it take you so long to notice he is doing nothing around the house? What do your other children do to help round the house? Why are they not annoyed by his failure to help out? Are you in fact teaching them all to take you for granted and treat you with contempt? Do any of them notice what you do?

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:21

@gamerchick what a sensible and helpful post.

MzHz · 23/12/2023 15:24

I’d give him back his protein powder etc right now, no drama, no lecture nothing. I’d get my laptop back

and id never pay for a single other thing for him

he thinks he’s the big man. crack on and get a big man’s part time job.

i pay for too much of my son’s stuff. I know this.

but the day after he finished school/exams, he went down to our closest pub and asked for a job.

he got a moped (we live in the sticks) and the first journey he made was to the local gym to join

i paid for half the bike, all the equipment and the road tax. He paid the insurance

ok I still pay for one of the blocks of specialist fitness sessions, but he’s been asked to double up to prep for a competition and he’s funding the other half

his dad got him a car. He’s paid for all the insurance, maintenance etc

so I’m moving in the right direction. He wont voluntarily take over everything, of course not, but he’s learning

the difference is attitude, I had a bit of shitty behaviour at 16, not any more, since he got into fitness

if my ds started throwing his weight around then things would change.

@BlastedPimples get your stuff back, make sure it’s secure and give him until the end of Jan to get a job or you’ll start cutting off services to him. Tell him clearly that it’s his attitude towards you that’s driving this and he needs to pitch in or accept that he can’t afford a phone/the gym/protein etc

Winterknights · 23/12/2023 15:25

His behaviour is unacceptable.

Explain what you do for him. Lay it all out. Tell him how you feel about him having no appreciation of that.

Tell him all that goodwill for him has been removed due to his behaviour.

Tell him he is on a two month trial to see if he is allowed to keep living in your home. In the meantime I would stop buying him anything at all. He can claim benefits and buy his own food. His own washing powder. He can clean his own clothes. Everything. Get locks on all your cupboards and lock everything away from him.

If he does not buck up, he is out at the end of those two months. So whether he spends that time improving his behaviour in the home or looking for somewhere to stay is up to him.

If he does not improve and does not go, get a locksmith to change the keys whilst he is out.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 23/12/2023 15:26

I'd check out their stance on Andrew Tate, as it sounds to me as if you have 2 emerging misogynists who believe that it's ok to treat you this way.

poetryandwine · 23/12/2023 15:26

OP,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
You have a lot to think through.

I agree with PPs who say the first thing is to tell your son that the computer belongs to your employer, and policy will require you to report it stolen unless he returns it immediately. This may make him realise that his actions do have consequences and his mum has allies in the world.

I also think a PP’s suggestion about engaging his coach was excellent.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 15:27

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:15

Surviving, or crawling back aren't the only things that could happen to homeless 18 year olds. I feel there are other more positive options the OP could explore first.

And the underlying threat to OP from a son who thinks he can do what he likes because he’s bigger than her - including blackmail ? The OP is enabling his behaviour. She needs to stop, and pull him up short with some of the realities of life, not ‘explore positive options’ which is MNspeak for continue enabling.

Mumsanetta · 23/12/2023 15:27

BlastedPimples · 23/12/2023 13:27

He's bigger than me. He is letting me know he can do what he wants because what am I going to do about it?

This behaviour in your house? He’s 18 - what you can do is give him his stuff back so you get your work laptop back and then you kick him out. Tell him he has until the new year to find somewhere else to live. That is honest to God what I would do. The most loving thing you can do in this situation is teach your child that actions have consequences.

poetryandwine · 23/12/2023 15:27

PS Best check out the coach for possible misogyny ahead of time if you can

Lesina · 23/12/2023 15:28

Calll the police and tell them your possessions have been stolen bu someone who resides in your house and that this person has threatensed you. Let the police deal with it and this degree of aggression would suggest steroid abuse.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2023 15:30

poetryandwine · 23/12/2023 15:27

PS Best check out the coach for possible misogyny ahead of time if you can

Yep, and check out if he may be abusing steroids.

Undineimmor · 23/12/2023 15:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

gamerchick · 23/12/2023 15:31

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:21

@gamerchick what a sensible and helpful post.

Seemed to be the right thing to say to 'you can't do that, find a positive way ' without suggesting what they were like.

Est1990 · 23/12/2023 15:33

Someone was suggesting you speak to his coach and that's probably i good idea.

I think I would stop buying the extra food and stop with the lifts.
Tell him you will provide the basics but nothing else until he starts helping out

diddl · 23/12/2023 15:33

Threatened you & stolen your work lap top?

And he thinks that you should buy unnecessary stuff for him & give him lifts?

Why is that?

Would police remove him from the house if you told them you didn't feel safe?

Dottymug · 23/12/2023 15:35

But the OP hasn't explored other options. She has been letting him get away with disrespectful behaviour and laziness for a long time. If she wants change, she has to make the changes -she has to get firm, set her boundaries and stop buying him things he doesn't need. Otherwise nothing will change in her household and she will need to be kicking the 11 year old out when he gets to 18 too.

alwaysbreaks · 23/12/2023 15:38

Then stop buying stuff for him, stop paying for anything or giving him lifts.

Have you always done everything for him?

Copperoliverbear · 23/12/2023 15:38

I would not give him any money, I would not buy him any protein products, clothes or anything and I would only buy him food. If he didn't study, tidy up and be respectful he would get nothing
else and I would get a lock on my door in my room and put all my valuables in there. X

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