Most 12 year olds are fine to be left alone right?

[MaxwellCat]

Dd is 12 and autistic, also adhd and some learning difficulties. I receive hrc for her due to her needs being so high. I was commenting on another group how sometimes I feel sad that I can’t even leave her alone ever like a NT 12 year old (lone parent dd not in school and it’s very difficult taking her everywhere with me her behaviour isn’t great) and someone commented “why would you even want to leave a 12 year old home alone?!” I mean really? Do parents of NT 12 year olds never leave them alone? Surely 12 is fine to leave alone for short periods of time? (Didn’t say overnight..) the comment bugged me like I was being irresponsible or something.. I don’t think most 12 year olds have babysitters or go to child minders during the day surely?

That'd be fine if people made their decisions based on when they thought the child was ready. They mostly do... but some of it is down to outside influences. They start secondary at 11 and it might be some distance so they have to travel ready or not. Kids are sometimes left home primarily because parents need to work etc. It's not all careful judgement about what's best for the child is it, this is the real world and people muddle along and do the best they can mostly.

You've completely missed the point of ops post! She was commenting on how on another thread she'd said about NOT being able to leave her child, whilst NT children of the same age could be left, and been told that NT 12 year olds couldn't be left alone either.

Are you serious right now!? I've already cleared the air with OP.

Many children are alone 2-3 hours after school from 11 as childcare tends to finish with primary school. Many get left in the evening too but I doubt people will admit to it. My eldest is autistic but was pretty trustworthy and her younger sister was sensible beyond years - she still checks in with her despite being working that's she's eaten!

I would for your own sake move towards getting her into some kind of provision or respite, you need a break. My dd attended school, sort of ... I had to pick her up by Kate morning mostly but after loosing multiple jobs I found a good employer where she could be picked up and brought back in with me

Uh yeh! Barring SN. I left my daughter home all day at that age whilst I had to go out to work at weekends as a newly divorced mum (whose ex did fuck all childcare), I had to work had no choice.

she had a phone and was in the safest place possible - home.

We went through a few "emergency " scenarios and what to do.

She spent most of the day sleeping!

Part of being ready is preparation and experience. I think age 12 being recommended is part of the problem as then there are children needing to be home alone or needing to walk to school alone at 11/12 without much preparation or experience building up to this. A child who has walked on quiet streets to their local primary alone at 9/10, and occasionally been home alone for an hour or so is better prepared to travel to secondary and be home alone after school.

I do think the shift to secondary marks a shift in the responsibility given to children. It's interesting that that happens aged 11 in the UK. I'm in Ireland where it's a bit later.
DCs moved to secondary at 13 and it was then the shift in responsibility came for them really wrt walking around town on their own (country markèt type town) or meeting friends for activites on their own.
We live out of town so it's probably different for children who live in town, but I definitely noticed a big difference once they started secondary.

The walking on quiet streets to school aged 9/10 is totally impossible where I live. No footpaths within miles of the school and the roads aren't suitable for walking.

It's not going to be possible for every child but where it is possible it would be better than this huge leap at secondary that seems to happen in the UK. Staying home alone for an hour or so at 9/10 is something that would be possible for most NT children.

I think recommendations need to look at reality and then look at how we balance encouraging gradual independence and keeping children safe within the society we do live in.

I wouldn't be happy leaving a 9 year old on their own for an hour to be honest @EmeraldFox. Too young in my opinion. Not willing to chance it. But then, as I said, the move to secondary and independence comes that bit later where I am anyway.

So that works for you. But in England/Wales where this transition happens at 11, it isn't helpful to recommend age 12. Children need preparation starting a year or two beforehand.

I still think age 9 is too young to be left alone for an hour. There won't be a difference between Irish and English 9 year olds that makes it okay in one place and not the other. They're too young in my opinion. Yes, it'll probably be ok but in an emergency situation they won't know what to do.

I understand what you're saying about preparing children for starting secondary, but I think this comes at a risk if they're not ready.

They won't instinctively know what to do at 9 or 11 or 13, you need to tell them, teach them what to do. You need to run through scenarios and make sure they know what to do. Once they're happily competent with that then they're ok to start making steps towards independence. It won't magically happen at some arbitrary age. If your 9 year old doesn't know how to deal with various situations, tell them.

Exactly. These things need to be taught. An older child may grasp it quicker bit they don't turn 12 and know what to do in an emergency. We lived overseas at the time, but DS was first home alone at 8, he was ready then, and he was no different to a English or Irish child.

I know many 12 year olds and all are left at home on their own at some point. Varying from just for 30mins-hr right up to all all evening. I do know one 13 year old who isn’t left for more than a few minutes but that is because she doesn’t like it rather than her parents thinking she is not trustworthy or it is dangerous. We leave DD for a few hours in the day or an hour or two in the early evening, but we stay local in the evening. I WFH but if I’d not she would be left all day this summer on the days that DH is away.

Yes, I realise that obviously.
However, as a pp said, children need to be developmentally ready as well. A younger child can be coached what to do in certain situations, but their brain isn't at a stage where they can react as an adult would, they're not as good as predicting the outcome of their actions for example and their fine motor skills don't match up either. Part of this is experience, but I agree with pp that part of it is down to brain maturity. A 9 year old simply can't react to an emergency as an adult would, even with training. The training will help a lot but it's not the whole story. Children do need to be ready for the responsibility they're given.
So I of course agree with gradually increasing the responsibilities children get, just not too much too soon.

Yes, I left my 12yo at home alone for a couple of hours. She even had ASD, but every ASD child is different and she was totally fine alone.

we started a bit before 12 with a timed 15 minutes and worked our way up. When we first started leaving it was a big deal and I had my phone clutched on my hand the entire time.

when I was 12 people let me babysit their 6 week old infants for entire days. They let me babysit their children late into the night. The 1980s were absolutely insane, but most 12 year olds can handle and even enjoy a bit of independence and responsibility.

Of course children need to be developmentally ready, no-one would argue that it's fine to leave a 3 year old alone as long as you've explained emergency protocol to them. That's a key factor.

But saying a 9 year old is too young because they won't react as an adult would is problematic because a 13 year old won't behave like an adult, a 16 year old won't, it's highly likely that an 18 year old won't be as collected as perhaps someone in their 30's would be. It's not realistic to never leave anyone under the age of 25 (when the brain has fully matured) alone is it?

If your 9 year old isn't capable yet, that's fine, but arguing that no 9 year old can be because they don't have adult brains is ridiculous. They're going to have all sorts of responsibility and freedoms before they have an adult brain.

But saying a 9 year old is too young because they won't react as an adult would is problematic because a 13 year old won't behave like an adult, a 16 year old won't, it's highly likely that an 18 year old won't be as collected as perhaps someone in their 30's would be. It's not realistic to never leave anyone under the age of 25 (when the brain has fully matured) alone is it?

There also may be a window of opportunity to most effectively teach these things. A 9 year old may be more inclined to follow rules than an older child or teenager. They are more likely to want to prove they are mature and trustworthy.

@NuffSaidSam
Point taken. I said it badly I guess, I don't think we should be wrapping children in cotton wool until they're adults. I'm all for giving them responsibility, but I think where I differ is the age at which various responsibilities are given. A pp said they left DC home alone at 8 and I really think that's far too young. I think navigating busy roads and junctions at 11 will result in some accidents that wouldn't have happened if the child was a bit older when they were given this task. Most children will be okay but a small number just won't.

In my country its normal for 7 year olds to be left home alone for an hour or two. Just like you say, there's not going to be a difference between the children in one country and another that makes it ok in one place and not the other - the difference is in the parents.

Not all children have the opportunity for an afternoon club after school. Can a first grader be left alone at home?
Think about the child's character. Children are individual, so there is no right answer. You can leave the child alone after the school day if the child is ready for it. Many 7-8 year olds are at home alone and doing well. Sometimes first graders even enjoy a new sense of independence.
It is important for parents to think about their own child's character. Has the child told you that he is afraid of being alone? Do new situations scare the child? How will he react if something surprising happens? Some of the first graders are independent, but others still need help with shoelaces or buttering bread.

Words of advice from a child protection charity worker (basically our version of the NSPCC)

A pp said they left DC home alone at 8 and I really think that's far too young.
He was more than ready at 8, he wasn't too young at all. He was perhaps mature for his age, regularly assumed to be a year older at school and scouts despite being on the small side.

Interesting, what country is that @Natsku?
Is it the official advice or the opinion of one charity worker because that's not completely clear?

DS has ADHD and has been home alone for short periods since he was 12. He's 14 now and has had to stay home on school strike days for almost 7 hours. He generally plays music and eats junk food. He knows how to contact me, his Dad, several other family members. OH phones to check on him regularly.