Most 12 year olds are fine to be left alone right?

[MaxwellCat]

Dd is 12 and autistic, also adhd and some learning difficulties. I receive hrc for her due to her needs being so high. I was commenting on another group how sometimes I feel sad that I can’t even leave her alone ever like a NT 12 year old (lone parent dd not in school and it’s very difficult taking her everywhere with me her behaviour isn’t great) and someone commented “why would you even want to leave a 12 year old home alone?!” I mean really? Do parents of NT 12 year olds never leave them alone? Surely 12 is fine to leave alone for short periods of time? (Didn’t say overnight..) the comment bugged me like I was being irresponsible or something.. I don’t think most 12 year olds have babysitters or go to child minders during the day surely?

Of course 12 is fine for a child to be left alone! My son will be 13 in Nov and going into S2 (Scotland)
He walks to school and back and is expected to get himself round about school himself, to classes on time and generally be responsible.
He has household chores to do, can cook simple meals and can go out and about with friends. Why on earth would he not be capable of being in the house himself?

He is obviously too young to be left alone overnight, but I would leave him overnight with his big sister (16) and big brother (22) in the house.

The other mum was being an insensitive fool.

I’ve got a child with profound autism and learning difficulties and 2 NT children. The 2 NT children were able to be left for a short while at age 12 - not overnight as you say, but for an hour or two, could go to the shop by themselves or out with friends. The ASD child no. And crucially there is no end in sight for the ASD child’s care needs. So even if you are a helicopter parent and don’t leave your 12 year old for short periods or let them go out with friends yet, you know that within the next 12-18 months you will be able to do so.

Being a sole parent in these circumstances is really tough OP.

My NT 12 year old isn't ready to be left alone yet for any length of time really

@Pearsoap what do you mean by that? Why not? or rather, what do you think would happen? Or does your 12 yr old not like being alone, which is a different thing. I'm curious

What do you think is going on with them to cause this? Might an autism or other assessment be a good idea or do you already know the cause?

And yes I'm in the camp of "if your 12 year old can't be left alone , make some toast or pasta for lunch and call grandad/grandma in an emergency then something is realky wrong with them"

That's uncalled for!

Children develop at different rates, emotionally as well as physically. My 12 year old can easily make toast etc, but would be still be a bit nervous about being left alone in the house. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her!! I'm sure she'll grow up and it'll be fine in a couple of years.

My 15 year old is very happy to be left alone, but I do understand what OP means as I also have an older ND child who I can't ever go out and leave and who needs to be watched like a 2 year old when we're out and about.

Yes OP. I leave my 12 year old alone for periods of time. She's perfectly sensible and knows how to get help if she needs it. I do mainly leave her with her 14 year old autistic sibling who is also safe to be left and perfectly sensible, but he is more like a 12 year old!

Of course they do, popping to shops taking siblings to parties, at 12 I had to leave for work before dd so she left and locked the house. She's also stayed home on user days where I've had to work. Entirely the norm for many of not most especially in single parent families where there is no other option

My 12 year old is fine alone for an hour or two during the day/early evening. It’s important to build up independence.

I don’t know where people are coming from when they say NT 12 year olds can’t be left alone for a bit. Surely they see kids that age cycling and walking to school every day and turning up to sports/ parties etc on foot or via public transport, so I don’t know why people would think that kids that age can’t then stay at home alone which is presumably less risky. Like what do they think would actually happen?

DS is 12 and stays on his own for around 4 hours sometimes. DD is 10 and stays for up to 2 hours. They both go to the shops ( about 1.5km away) or for a run (turn when they get 3km away). Worst that happens is they buy too many sweets.

i have to admit that I don’t let them make pasta but that’s my own anxiety about boiling water/burns and I don’t think other parents who do allow it are wrong IYSWIM.

She'd be a bit nervous on her own in the house still, that's all. She's very capable otherwise.

My 12 year old is left alone for sometimes half a day in the holidays when I'm working and he loves it. Normally just plays on his electronics.

Nothing is going on, which is why I pointed out she is NT.

Of course. Reading all these that say they aren't (except SN) is sad and worrying. Here they recommend walking to school in the summer term of Yr 6 primary, in preparation for secondary. It builds independence slowly. Mine used to play x box and didn't even notice if Dh and I weren't here (in garage sorting stuff)!

Mine could spend the odd day at home alone at 12, if we both needed to be in the office. Would regularly be home alone for a few hours at that age.

She'd be a bit nervous on her own in the house still, that's all. She's very capable otherwise

@Pearsoap

Ah I see, thanks for replying. My eldest was an anxious child, even as a teenager she felt unsafe on her own so she came everywhere I went. But it was about her, not her age, the others were left along for short periods from around 10, and at night from 13.

Nothing is going on, which is why I pointed out she is NT.

There is though- maybe not ND but being to anxious to be left alone for an hour aged 12 also isn't typical

Nobody walks to school round here. 15 mins drive in the car. I think people forget that not all kids live in an urban environment where they're walking and taking buses to school from a young age.

I would expect a NT 12 year old to be quite fine for the duration of a working day, if they have access to food supplies. But I wouldn't routinely leave them for quite that long.

If they're off school sick or I'm working and they're home, I wouldn't expect the world to end.

For a few hours at a time I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Overnight is definitely not OK.

This is not the point of OP's post though. I can very well understand that OP's dd cannot be left whereas mine if the same age can- OP has been scolded for thinking that NT 12 year olds can be left alone and told the cannot, which of course in most cases is wrong!

God people are being so rude.
My child is fine, thank you. She's just turned 12. Lots of friends, loads of activities, very happy in school and home, bright and capable. She doesn't need to be assessed, to the pps who suggested it.
(And I have lots of experience with autism and neurodiversity, I do actually know what I'm talking about here.)

Children develop at different rates, emotionally as well as physically. My 12 year old can easily make toast etc, but would be still be a bit nervous about being left alone in the house. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her!! I'm sure she'll grow up and it'll be fine in a couple of years

My 22byear old is scary as hell. She can cook lunch but the kitchen will be like a scene from a disaster movie afterwards and I have had to learn not to be too attached to seeing my floors. But then I'm.a single parent who works and her dad works too so its a necessity she can be left because otherwise id have to work more smaller shifts and id see her less. Wed much rather condense my working hours and have her left alone some times. Not doing so just isn't an option really. We have no choice but to do our best to make them ready.

12 Yr old is scatty as hell. Stupid auto correct.

One thing I’ve learned is that to encourage independence/ ownership of own admin you have to just deal with the collateral damage as they don’t get it right first time or even tenth time ( thank you ds for scattering Astro rubber through the house for the eightieth time). It’s not always easy though!!

Honestly my other motivation was I wanted to do something for me fir a change. I've spend years. Years doing everything fir everyone else. Changed shifts to fit with everyone else's needs/wants, ferried them about to extra curricular activities and school and parties etc and living on the outside of everyone and everything around me I thought fuck it. Joined a gym, and if tHt means she's alone on school holidays while I'm at a class then fuck it. So be it. We let far to much of ourselves go for our kids. The least they can do is spend an hour watching TV so mum or dad can ne a person again instead of a personal slave even if just for an hour.

Dd2 was home alone quite often all day at 12 and occasionally before that tbh, but I would make more effort to find her childcare for at least part of the day before then. DH and I both work full time. Older dd who would have been 15 at the time was home too, but if she had plans dd2 would be on her own. She was fine. I even didn’t mind her having friends over while we were out and their parents didn’t mind they were alone.

didn’t think it was unusual, but maybe it is. Dd2 was and is very capable of looking after herself for a day. Different for dd1 as she was 13 before I started to work full time.