DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

[LampsAndWatches]

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

I'd say she is definitely taking drugs, probably more than you know.

Report her to the police for driving under the influence.

I grew up with one brother who got involved in heroin. He was a few years older then us but we were still early teens and at school. When my parents were out, he'd come around with his mates and do his drugs in the living room. It was horrible for us.
My parents gave him lots of chances afterwards but eventually wouldn't let him back in. He went on to steal from my parents and even burgle my nan. He'd borrow money from me and not pay it back. Was in prison a few times and police always watching him.

He's sorted his life out now and is doing very well for himself but that's not a very common story for heroin addiction. He was very lucky.

OP has a duty to her other siblings too. She IS now an adult.
If it is drugs, brushing it under the carpet will do nothing and bending the rules will do nothing either. Yes, I love my brother and I knew it wasn't him doing these things, it was the drugs controlling him. The only person who can sort this out is themselves actually admitting they need help. You can support but you can't change them.

In fact I don’t think she’s really mentioned what has driven her DD to drug use and reckless behaviour.

How about sexual assault? Autistic women and girls are horrendously vulnerable to this. And yes, I lashed out physically at my family in my mid-teens because I was sexually assaulted and couldn't face talking about it. I am also autistic.

Where does she get the money for her car and nitrous oxide from? Has she been groomed and pimped? Has she possibly got caught up in county lines drug dealing? Again, autistic women are easily manipulated into drug dealing and prostitution because we don't "read" people well. Disabled people are generally vulnerable to being taken advantage by criminals, look up "cuckooing".

Ask all the above, on neutral ground, and see how she reacts. You can ask these questions and support her if it turns out that she is in trouble whilst still setting boundaries and barring her from your home for the safety of your other children.

Just question whether something traumatic has happened she hasn’t told you about. Why is she in particular getting addicted to balloons?

@Sheepsheepeverywhere
I don't like your extremely judgemental loaded comment about @LampsAndWatches daughter, !

Why on 🌎 earth is your daughter involved in doing drugs currently 🤔?

Is this a quite recent thing or more longer term?

I am thinking 🤔 what has triggered her to start using any type of drugs in first Place,?

Is it because of personal issues struggling with overwhelmed 😕 and also maybe somewhat Peer pressure too?

Or
Is something that happened in the past or more recently and she is numbing the emotional pain, trauma of this , in some way via drug route?

I would definitely let dust settle along, as you know she is relatively safe,
Keep the door open for her,

Is their someone in the family she can turn to or and trustworthy family friend, she can turn to,
In the meantime, just curious,?

I just think teenagers at that age, can be just headstrong and impulse in nature, ect

And have strong overwhelming feelings , that they probably don't allways understand,

Sorry if thus has been allready covered, in your Op allready,@LampsAndWatches

I am just bit tired ,

This. I also had a violent sibling. A PP’s naive belief that her sisters will forgive her. Well maybe, maybe not. I have not forgiven my sibling.

Don’t let her home OP. Give her all the support in the world outside the home but don’t have her back. You, your DH and your other daughters deserve a safe home free of violence.

So sorry, OP. Must be difficult.

Before I got to the bit about you saying she was doing balloons in her car, I was going to ask if drug/alcohol use was a possibility.

I would say if she's desperate enough to do balloons in her car on her own, baring in mind the high lasts for about 15 seconds and is normally done socially, I would say she is probably addicted to something else too.

Maybe she feels she can't ask for help and is lashing out? (Not any of your fault by the way!) just speaking as somebody who has seen family members battle addictions.

X

This is exactly what I was thinking. But regardless, she’s clearly struggling - it’s abnormal behaviour. And yes 100% protect your other kids. But please don’t say to her you’re “choosing peace and comfort” over her etc…

think of her as a tiger with a thorn in her foot. She lashes out when you try to help her but she desperately wants and needs help.

your job is to get that thorn out but it’s really hard as you can’t see the thorn. She might know what the thorn is (sexual assault, abusive bf, drug addiction, failing exams, undiagnosed adhd, childhood resentment, etc) or she might not because her head is a muddle. But she needs help not judgement. If she keeps saying certain things btw (even if they sound crazy or you feel they are untrue, hone in - eg she keeps saying You love my sister more than me…well it might not be true but have a deep search as to why she feels this way. Don’t, whatever you do, roll your eyes and tell her she’s wrong. That just won’t help).

Hope things go better for you all soon.

❤️❤️

Absolutely this.

I'm 29 not exactly "old", up until 4 years ago I was still clubbing some weekends with friends and I've never understood the drug use. Balloons, ecstasy, coke etc. I would be absolutely terrified to try it! How can being high enough to wet yourself be fun 😣 so many young people think balloons are harmless but you've only got to google to see how so many young people have been paralysed or worse by doing this stuff.

Obviously she needs help with whatever issue or issues she is really struggling with,

As until these issues are addressed in a beneficial senistive way,

She will obviously carry on her self destructive path, @LampsAndWatches

She obviously needs urgently help support with this,
I think there there is charties out there to help to come off substance misuse (drugs addiction)

Also needs therapy or various kinds of Therapies, to address these kinds of issues,
not just counselling therapy, ...

I think a hard line is the one to take. Thankfully you seem to be taking that instinctively.

We had a similar situation in our family but it wasn't related to drugs.

My sister had always displayed breathtakingly entitled behaviour, over stepped in a rage of frustration at not being able to find an item of clothing that she , herself had lost. She slapped our mother and was absolutely vile in every respect.

From that point, our DDad, who was weary as hell about her behaviour anyway, took the hard line and stopped giving her lifts or doing anything 'nice' for her to see if she apologised. She never did. She just came up with increasingly bizarre reasons why she was right to do and say the things she did.

Dad never interacted with her in any meaningful way from that point. He paid for her wedding and she took the piss massively by going totally OTT but from that point she was very much 'on her own' as he could not stomach her.

She did OK for herself. I introduced her to a rich bloke that she latched onto and married. She leads him a dogs life but that's his problem.

Dad said if he had backed down, she would have been even more unbearable and he was right. I see her at funerals only now and haven't spoken to her in fifteen years. She treats everyone around her badly, either in overt or subtle ways. She doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong. She has two children and her DD is a clone.

It's OK to distance yourself from toxic people, even if they are someone you are supposed to love. Sometimes you have to for your own sanity.

@Devonshiregal 👍
@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg 👍

Really strongly agree, both with your extremely insightful and emotionally intelligent comments, !👍👍

This is one of the reasons I come back to mumsnet ,💯

I’m choosing peace and comfort over her.

These are such wise words and I hope you can find the strength to stick to them. Wishing you the best of luck, OP.

Balloons absolutely are drugs, and even though they are legal now they are thinking of changing the law on them.
Just a note, me and my mum had an awful relationship as a teenager - physical and verbal fights, I moved out several times. Things instantly improved once we lived separately, and now as an adult we are quite close. There's still hope, however, if serious drugs are involved which it sounds like it might be then that's a different ball game altogether.

@LampsAndWatches I'm so sorry you guys went through that, what a nightmare. I'm sure DD is going through her own nightmare, one likely of her own youthful, naive doing, but all the same. If you hear from her, I'd tell her that I love her very much and always will, but that having her in the house after that not only puts the family in actual, physical danger but is also condoning what she's doing to herself.

OP my DH's younger brother used/maybe still uses drugs. He stole my DH's things and sold them as teenagers. He was always a narcicistic, dirty, vile little prick to be around and has only changed for the worse over the many years. I won't go into the details as it's too outing but he got arrested for commiting some horrible crimes all whilst still dossing under his parent's roof. This almost destroyed mine and DH's life. His parents have always just cast my DH and our child aside for the sake of this waste of space. They are horrible to us. They gaslight us. They can hardly even be bothered to breathe the same air as us and yet they break their own backs for this loser. I tolerate them but have zero respect left for them now and I know deep down that dh feels the same. They will likely die having almost no relationship with a son who's asked for nothing from them and done nothing but love and respect them. More fool them. This it what drugs do to families and clueless parents if you let them. Focus on your other kids who don't deserve this. Let the drug addict sort her own shit out because until she does nothing you do will help. It's not fair to compromise your relationship with your other kids for her

There is one urgent priority here and that is to make sure your DD is not driving. Do whatever it takes to find where she/the car are and then whatever it takes to make sure she can’t drive it. I would also be reporting to the police for DUI. Let’s just hope she hasn’t already killed or maimed anyone tonight. Get her off the road OP, no matter what it takes.

You must be new round here. Absolutely any and every kind of shitty behaviour gets a free pass due to "mental health". anywhere else their mental health would take a sharp turn for the worse due to having their head kicked in.

When I was in 6th form I had a mate who started to go completely off his head after a couple of drinks. He attacked the group in a nightclub and smashed up my Dad's "Shed-pub" where 4 of us were having a drink, there were other instances where I wasn't present. And he also attacked his parents.
It was really quite scary at the time.

I don't know what caused it but he did get better after a year or so and he's just a normal nice guy now, has been for 20 years

It won't be forever but your daughter has drug usage and she will endanger herself and others if not properly treated by professionals.
Can you report her to the Police (to show her a sense of reality) and also ask Police which support programs are available for her to access? Hopefully any charges will give her options and a decent enough fright to help her think clearly.

I would only engage with her if and while she undegoes treatment. The earlier the intervention the most likely the habits won't have grown.

Things to consider for later:
Does your daughter have any positive bunches of friends who don't do drugs?
She will need support to stay away from drugie friends and perhaps a new positive incentive and challenge if she chooses to start afresh.
Does she like her chosen training, or area of study?
Does her work give her confidence and interesting skills?
Is she talented, creatively; does she enjoy any arts or crafts; would she work towards an exhibition etc?
Is she into donating her time to the less fortunate?
Do her medications need adjusting?

I would report her to the police and get her charged for assault. It might seem harsh but she needs to see her actions have consequences. Maybe then, she will realise how out of control her life is and that you won't put up with her behaviour.

This isn't a surprise, out of the blue though. OP said dd2 had been more and more difficult over the last 6 months, so this has actually been building.

In fact, If diagnosed 5 years ago, at 14, presumably she's struggled all the way through schooling?

Btw, If she is 19, what stage is she at please? She's not at Uni? She lives at home with you and Dh, and dd1? She has a job?